I'm currently teaching a group of students who did not get credit for their SPM English. I meet them for six hours everyday so sometimes I give them activities such as games to make learning fun.

Last week, I did the 'Answer Hunt' game with them. I gave them a list of questions for them to search for the answer. The questions were related to the facilities and people in the college. One of the question was 'Name five people who are in love'. Of which I expected them to ask among their classmates for the answer for many of them were in a relationship. Much to my surprise, my students did not think of asking their classmates this question. They went around campus asking other students ' Are you in love?'

I was amused when i was told what they did. Having taught in this campus for almost a year, I've never had students who had such guts to actually approach strangers, what more to ask them if they were in love and my students just did it. To add on, the respondents responded positively towards these students, many smiled and laughed when asked if they were in love.

I'm actually very satisfied with the result of the game. I saw them gain confidence in themselves while learning and having fun. The only complain I got was ' Haiyo teacher, so hot and tiring lah'

I am taxable! Another sign of adulthood. and that I have responsibilities.
Some months ago, I announced that I was seriously considering to pursue in my masters. I found myself a supervisor and got all excited about it. It was the first time I gave some serious thought to pursuing my masters and perhaps that thought came too sudden so much so that I jumped on the wagon without analyzing much. It was a mistake. I found myself struggling to come out with a proposal. My supervisor’s interest was slightly different from mine and I could not understand the system and techniques. I struggled for two months. It was not hell but my mind was not at peace. Each time I thought of Dr. G and the proposal, my spirits would go down. Yes, I was not motivated and I dread his calls. I asked myself why the proposal was so difficult to do and I could not really answer the question.
One day, while reading some journals, I accidentally read articles that were related to the language but of a different area of focus. I could easily click and comprehend with the topic. At that point, I realized that I had chosen the wrong topic and perhaps the wrong supervisor and after putting much thought to it, I decided to tell my supervisor the truth. I’m so happy that he received my reasons well.
I feel so relieved at the moment, the burden has been taken off my shoulders, I’m not haunted by the sense of guilt and I do not have to do something that I do not enjoy anymore. I am still working on doing my masters with a different supervisor but I have learnt my lesson. I’m going to think before I jump on any opportunity that comes along the way and make wiser decisions. I have yet to approach anyone but I am not afraid anymore. Somehow, I thank God for letting meet Dr. G.

Lies and the net

BUZZ!!(Friend's name): Tony and Linda just told me to try these red tablets I saw at their place, Acai berry. They get them for $5 and they swear they lost weight, 23 pounds in two weeks. Anyways, I seen them both and wow they lost a lot of weight it really shows. http://darkclap.com

This is a message I received from a friend on my Yahoo Messenger. It is not the first time I got such a message and I know my friend would not send me such a message. When I checked with the supposed sender, she apparently knew nothing about it. I have therefore come to a conclusion that the YM system is not safe (actually all of us are aware that it is not safe) and there is a need to clarify with friends should their messages sound odd and unfamiliar. Someone is using our identity to send messages that may not be pleasant to the people on our lists and yet we are not aware of it. I am posting this note just in case some of you are not aware of such situations whereby people use others to spread lies on the internet.

I took a facebook True age test today. The initial result stated that I am 13 years old. I refused to believe it so I took the test again and the result stated that I am 19 years old. I accepted the second result.

Of late, I've been in deep thoughts again. I am indecisive. I cannot decide how / where do I want to see myself when I am 35 years old. Everything seems possible. I am having second thoughts about my postgraduate studies as I am not sure if that is really the thing I really want to do. I notice that I am not passionate about it. My excitement was short lived and I cannot foresee myself going far in the research. I do not like the idea that I'm not excited about the postgraduate studies as it causes me to have little respect for myself. Thoughts of -why others can do it but you can't? Yes Jennifer, you are lazy. Why can't you be as determined as other people? Jenn, you are just plain lazy, you and your tidak apa attitude - floods my mind. I see people around me getting their masters while I am still a common and ordinary degree holder. I do not like that feeling. I feel useless and hopeless. Yet each time I try to read up something that is related to the research, I tend to loose interest. And this is just the initial stage. I am only working for a proposal, I have not even started with the real research and I'm already having discouraging emotions.

Yes, I am thinking of telling my potential supervisor that I am reconsidering the programme. I do not know how to tell him as it's going to cause a negative mark on my reputation -Oh, Jennifer, I remember her! She gave up without even putting in much effort. Maybe I am thinking too much.

I continue to dream. I am dreaming of what I am going to be in time to come. I know my strengths and I think I am pretty sure of my weakness. How can I maximize my strengths without facing my weakness? I really don't know.........

Maybe the first result is right, probably, I have the mind of a thirteen year old. Immatured....

Recently, something happened. I had a slight misunderstanding with a friend. Actually, I don't even know if there was a misunderstanding at all. It's just that our relationship turned cold after an incident. I asked myself if I did the wrong thing and I asked her too if she was offended by my actions. She did not answer my question and that left the misunderstanding unsolved. It is actually not the first time such silence happened between the both of us. Every time such incidents happen, my heart aches. Why? Firstly it's because I (think) have hurt my friend's feelings (although I don't know what I did wrong) and secondly, the cold shoulder that I get hurts me. It is easier to cope with the first problem and it is more difficult to handle the second problem because the second problem makes me feel as if my friend does not love me anymore and that definitely cuts me deep.

So for now, each time I think of this friend, some sense of joy is taken off me. I do not dislike or hate this friend but I do feel hurt whenever I think of her. I just cannot smile when I see her photos or gifts because it reminds me of the unsolved misunderstanding.

Dogs! It's interesting how they leave impact in your life. Brandy has been with us for half a year now and I believe adopting her was one of the best decisions I ever made. She is cute, naughty and loving and has been a good companion to everyone at home, even Sokha.

Yesterday, in order to allow the grass cutter to do his job, we had to chain Brandy up and Sokha chained her near to the neighbour's fence. Few minutes after that, we were shocked to find Brandy on the other side of the fence. Apparently, she squeezed her way into the neighbors garden and stood there looking confused. She liked where she was but I smelled trouble coming as our neighbor had three dogs of whom Brandy loved barking at. I tried to pull Brandy back to our side of the fence but she wouldn't cooperate. My fears came true when the neighbor's dogs realized that Brandy was in their garden. They seized the opportunity and attacked poor Brandy with no mercy. My felt hopeless, my dog was being bitten by three dogs right in front of me and I could not do anything. My neighbor was not home. Sokha took the stick and hit the neighbor's dogs but it was useless, I ran and searched all over for the right weapon, I wanted to get the aerosol but could not find any, finally, I found enough water to splash at the dogs and they let poor Brandy go.

Brandy is still a pup yet she was brave, she did not whine but we all knew she was in pain. She had facial injury and blood dripped down her face. I was grateful for it could have been worst. Eventually, I had to cut the fence to bring her back. I could not risk leaving her there. Brandy is still in pain. Not a single whine came from her.

(The dogs that bit Brandy)

I get shivers up my spine when men call me ‘Jenny / Jenni ’. I don’t know how to explain it but it just feels weird. It’s like I have a name- Jennifer and in short it’s Jenn. Why do men need to add on the ‘ny’ after the ‘Jenn ’? I don’t mind men who watched me grow up (in other words uncles) call me Jenny but I find it odd having peers or strangers calling me that. Oh well….that’s just some thoughts that came up to my mind after an encounter with a man this morning.
Anyway, yesterday, I went hiking at Bukit Jambul. What made the trip special was to have an old friend joining me. She was the ‘Angel’ on the bike who introduced me to CSS. If it had not been for her, I might not have been active in CSS and might not have even known Leslie. So indirectly, she is someone who made a major change in my life.
It was nice to have met her again after two years, to just chat and share about life. I had fun yesterday even though it was just a simple hike. Penang is special in this sense. I don’t have to meet up with friends in shopping complexes or restaurants. There are so many nice places to go to with nice activities to do with friends and these are the things that help me stay vibrant!
Yes, this is a very messy post I know. My mind is currently disorganized. =)

More than 10 women told me this,

'Jenn, you should start going for facial, you need to look good for your wedding day and also photos'

Yeah I know, I knew this all along. I have had skin issues since I can't remember when. I have imbalance skin tone and color and some parts of my face can be so oily that I look as if I do not clean my face and of course, I'm bothered by it and I envy people with nice skin complexion. Who does not want to look good anyway? I wish I could just use facial cleanser and toner and be done with it but beauticians tell me that 'no, no, that's not enough, you better look after your skin, women must look good one you know, your skin is like this and like that and blah...blah...blah. And after they are done condemning my skin, they will recommend me with bottles of facial products (that's the scariest part) and I would look and them and give them my sweetest smile before they drop the bomb, 'ok, so for your case, this is what I recommend for you lah, you really need these things to repair your skin, all of this cost RM XXX....(which ranges between RM 300 to RM 2000) and after the bomb comes the most difficult part - telling them that I cannot buy their products. Beauticians never understand NO. Sometimes I wonder if they pretend to be naive or they do not understand English. They will push the products down your throat. So, as a result, I fear beauty centres. I have phobia asking for quotations at these centres because I am intimidated by them.

So yesterday, I dropped by at a skincare centre to check out their service. A beautician was trying to convince a customer to use their product. The customer told her 'you know, every part of the body seems to need care, I don't think I have the ability to worry about every part of my body and I think I will just stick to my current package'. Like other beauticians, that girl did not say get it and continued telling the customer to buy the product. The lady got fed up and said 'that's the problem with you people, you just force people to buy and buy, you know very well that the economy is bad enough and not everyone can afford things, why must you force me? Don't you understand NO? I don't print money at home ok! Wow, that left everyone in shock, I wish I had the guts of that lady.

Oh by the way, the beautician who attended to me told me that I needed a RM 3500 package for my facial care. Gosh! There are cheap beauty centres around but sometimes I'm skeptical. I am not sure of the products they use. I don't want to pay RM 60 per session and have banned China products being used on my skin......and this is why Jenn until today has yet to go for any facial treatments.

Who drives a big car?
I have many things in my head these days. There's work, masters (which I have not really done much work on), marriage....and the list goes on. Almost all the things I mentioned above are the things I did not really pay much attention to in the past but are now of importance to me. As a result, I tend to show more interest in these matters.

And so, one of the thoughts that happen to linger in my head is the 'Wedding Car'. Yes, I know, of all the things.....so of late, I've been asking myself what kind of bridal car would I want to travel in. Of course, the ideal is that my own car be the bridal car, but then again, WCN has lost its shine and is not a suitable car to use. As a result, I tend to look at the cars that travel on the road. I tend to look at friends' cars and wonder if they could be used as a bridal car. After a while, I realized that - most of my friends do not spend on cars! (which is not a bad thing actually). I could not really think of a friend that drives a luxurious car. Everyone seems to be loyal to the local industry that produces smaller vehicles. I actually do not know of anyone who has a car which is big enough to be the bridal car. Well, it is not an issue actually. If there's no big cars, small cars can be used too, no big deal.

I still practice the habit of observing luxurious cars and it's drivers and I discovered an interesting fact. The expensive imported vehicles that are parked in the college actually belongs to the STUDENTS while the kancils, kelisas, myvis, kenari, savy and old toyotas belong to the lecturers and other staffs.....hmmmm.....interesting.....there are many things in life that I cannot comprehend......but honestly speaking, it's not a big deal to me.

Why the sudden silence?

I am preparing for marriage, yes I have gone for the weekend for the engaged and we are working towards marriage. Why the sudden silence in my blog? It is not because life is dull and uninteresting. it is just that my present thoughts are not appropriate to be made public. I still continue to think alot, I often do reflections but they are so personal that I don't think it's fair for me to write it down for others to read. I would not be doing justice to my other half. Therefore, my apologies for the long silence

Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate. This post was taken from an email and I thought I'd share it with you....

A Message by George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete... Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.Live a pleasing life to God. - George Carlin

Honestly, I never knew who George Carlin was. The message just so happen to express what I felt after reading an sms that dissapointed me so much.

It was a fruitful trip. I am surprised myself by how much I gained from the trip. I achieved almost everything I wanted from the trip and even got myself a bonus or two from it.
Firstly, I managed to meet up with many people within the five days starting from people in the chapel, my ex-boss, XH friends, XH housemates, ex-colleagues, ex-roommate, boyfriend, sister and family etc. I even got to stay over at Dora’s and my sister’s house. Minus the people at the chapel, I met up with at least 20 people and I do consider that as an achievement. Of course, there were many other people whom I wanted to meet but did not have the opportunity to do so due to many reasons.
Besides meeting people, I also got some chores done, I had everything I planned to do done except for closing a bank account which I later opted to keep. Firstly, I was lucky enough to celebrate Iris’s birthday with her. Then I managed to finally open a bank account which took me five years to open (the administration staff tried again to delay the process but since I did my homework, I managed to persuade them to finally open the account for me). I also managed to get my teeth scaled on the final day of my trip. Besides that, I also got to get rid of the cracks on my heels. My feet now looks so different from how it has been for the past many years, it looks lovely in my eyes.
Nothing that I gained from the trip can be shown to people in Penang for all that was gained were matters that are only meaningful to me. Friends in Penang may not be able to understand the goodness of this trip and I have nothing to show off to them, yet I am so happy that I took my leave and made the trip possible. Thank you everyone who contributed in making this trip meaningful.

This is where I work

How I spent February week 1

I’ve been missing in action for some time. What have I been up to? Well…..I think I’ve done lots.
1. Friends from KL visited me. It was delightful to have Lee Fah and Siew Leng visiting me. I must admit that I was not the perfect host this time around but I’m glad that they came and I’m glad that I managed to make the best out of the things and spend some precious moments catching up with them. It is nice to know that despite not meeting them for almost a year, there is still much to talk about.
2. I went to Thaipusam 3 times! I bumped into the celebration while the chariot was making it’s way to the temple. The 2nd time, I purposely took Siew Leng and Lee Fah there at midnight just to watch the Kavadis and the piercing ceremony. The 3rd time, I followed Karamjit and that was the most memorable experience as I helped out at the drinks stall. I helped to serve drinks and food to the devotees, I helped to arrange and decorate their stall, I mingled with the aunties and their children and I enjoyed myself. Of course curiosity came crawling in to my mind from time to time. Sometimes I found the answer, sometimes I did not. Nevertheless, I admire the Hindus for their devotion towards God. Religion indeed is such a beautiful thing.
3. Someone in campus organized a hiking trip to Pantai Kerachut and I joined 20 of my colleagues for the trip. We walked through the National Park and it was like a dream come through experience for I had always wanted to do the walk and I finally did it. It was a very fruitful trip as I got to mingle and know some of my colleagues better for we are usually so busy with our work that we hardly have time to talk and chat.
4. I have a colleague who likes photography, a fellow colleague loaned her an SLR camera and she asked if I could do some shots for her. I did it and the photos turned out surprisingly well. The camera owner encouraged me to pursue on photography and yesterday, we did some photo shooting at three different places. It was interesting to follow a professional photographer around as he did his job. I admit that I have fallen in love with the SLR camera but of course, there’s still much for me to learn. Not everyone of my shots were good.
5. Ok, I might be pursuing my studies. I’ve been meeting a potential supervisor and we have somehow narrowed down to a topic. I have not been working much on my proposal, somehow I neglected it during the holiday season and yes, I am trying to get back to work and get myself registered as a masters student. Why do I want to do my masters? Well, I see it as a necessity, I’m not moving forward at work, I lack in some skills as well as knowledge. I hope that the research will help me to be more focused on what I’m doing.
So…..all the above have made me not spend much time online, thus the reason why this blog has not been updated.

(Some of my shots- click on the pictures to see in detail)

I'm waiting for someone, so I decided to kill time by going to the cyber cafe. It is a big cafe, with more than 100 computers. Business is good. The place is filled with teenagers who are engrossed with their game of Dota. It cost RM 2 for an hour to use the computers and I believe these people have been here long before I came in. The boy next to me can't keep his mouth shut. It is as if he is speaking to the computer. I hear foul languages everywhere.....gosh, I wanna get out of here.

I knew the waterfall road would be congested but I purposely drove into it. My reason? I wanted to see. I like festivals, I am fascinated by cultures. I'm always curious to know why humans believe in certain things. I walked into the Thaipusam celebration yesterday and I was glad to be able to watch how the Penang Indians practiced their faith. I saw how families did their holy walk up to the temple. I was touched by the family unity in those families. It was nice to see siblings holding each other's hands while fathers carried their child in their hands. Barefooted Indians were everywhere. Everyone had their own personal reasons why they were there. I saw the kavadi bearers, I saw those pierced skin and I still continue to wonder how these people are able to put those metal pieces through their skin without getting injured. I'm glad to be in Penang, to be exposed to this unique culture.

The pest

I've found a nice place near my college to have my breakfast. It's a makeshift coffee shop with a lady selling homemade Indian food. I enjoy her roti's with nescafe. Every morning, some men will occupy a table in that shop to have their coffee. They gossip alot and talk about everything that is under the sun. Little did I know that they actually observe me.
One day, after I left, one of them asked the Indian lady what she knew about me. One of his question was if I whether I was married. He asked her if she could dig some of my information for him and she responded by asking him to look at the mirror.
I was not aware about all these things until one day, I went to the shop again with an Indian friend and the lady told my friend what happened and they had a good laugh out of it. I on the other hand did not feel very comfortable with the idea that I was being observed.
This morning, I went to the coffee shop again for my breakfast and upon my arrival, that man found his guts and tried to capture my attention by announcing my arrival to the Indian lady ' nah, you punya customer sudah datang oh, dia selalu datang you kasi dia lebih sikit lah, jangan kedukut lo.'
Girls like compliments but it has to come from the right persons. Or else, it becomes a ................I'll end it here.

Another student was caught cheating again, this time not by me. It was Ms. W, who caught the girl. Ms W is well known for her ability to catch Miss and Mister Sneaky Eyes and Sneaky Hands during exams. What will happen to this girl? She will be expelled from college if the disciplinary board finds her guilty.

I caught a student cheating once. I felt bad when I caught him for I knew he might be expelled from the school. Although I felt bad, I had to be fair. What he did was not right and I could not close my eyes and pretended that it never happened. I'm just grateful that I never taught him or else I would have really felt terrible for sending my own student for expulsion. To be more precise, heartbroken.

There was an empty table in the examination hall this morning, a table that was suppose to belong to a boy who was killed in a car accident a few days ago. He was not a high profile student. He was inactive in class but was not a problematic student. He was killed while travelling back to Penang from his hometown, his friend was driving and he was the passenger. His friend survived but the student's head was nearly severed off and he died instantly. No witness could really describe the whole accident as his friend is still in a state of shock.

Everyday at school is a new day, sometimes the happenings can be shocking. Welcome to reality Jennifer!

There are some things in life that we need to let go of if we want to move on with life. But then again, what are the things we should let go of and what are the things we should never let go of? I’m often confused when I need to decide on this matter. Sometimes I wonder if letting go of things that are of value to us for the sake of another person is an act of love or pure stupidity.
I wonder what religious people went through when they decided to serve God and His people. How did they feel about leaving their career and families when they chose to live a consecrated life? Did they not care for their parents? Did they not worry about their aging parents? If I ever decide to put my priorities over other people’s needs, am I being selfish?
Another disturbing thought in Jenn’s head.

I’ll be 30 soon. Not this year but soon enough. Yet, I am not able to see a stable future coming my way yet. I have a vision of what it may be like but I’m not sure if it is the ideal choice. It is easy to dream and to have ideals but it is definitely tough when it’s time to make decisions that will create impacts in our lives. There are many decisions for me to make this year and I am so afraid that I’ll make the wrong moves. I’m afraid of making decisions that I might regret.
Perhaps I am so afraid because I have little faith in myself. I fear that I am not going to be able to stand on my own if promises and assurances that have been made to me fail to be like how it is suppose to be. Someone asked me why did I have so little faith in my own capability and that question struck me to realize that I was not confident of myself. Maybe I have not tried hard and worked hard enough so much so that I see myself lacking in the many things that others have. At the moment, I feel stranded. I have so much to work on and I do not know where to start.
Maybe my problem is that I focus too much of the ’I’ and have forgotten to put ’Him’ into the picture from time to time. It is definitely way easier to be a motivator to others.

It is a culture among the Chinese to burn fire crackers as they usher in the Lunar New Year. They burn the fire crackers to remind them of their ancestor’s victory over the ‘nian’, a creature that brought much fear and disrupted the peace of the Chinese once upon a time. Another reason why the Chinese burned the fire crackers is to cast away evil spirits and bad luck from entering their lives for the coming year.
Despite the fact that the burning of the fire crackers is illegal in our country, many still practice this culture. Some practice it for cultural and superstitious reasons while others practice it just for fun. As in merely to join in the crowd and to make the festival merrier.
I’ve grown up listening to the sound of the fire crackers and to be honest, the atmosphere of Chinese New Year would definitely be different without the fire crackers. I have gotten used to it so much so that I’m immune to the sound. Tonight the sound of fire crackers filled the air again as the Hokkeins ushered in their version of the new year. The dogs in every house are nowhere to be seen. Most of them like Brandy are hiding somewhere in the house, under some furniture or vehicle, seeking refuge from the frightening sound let off by the fire works. As I continued to watch the TV, Sokha wakes up from her sleep. She looked worried, confused and scared. Initially I was amused and thought she was being silly. Then, I remembered where Sokha came from - a country where solders and firearms were aplenty.
Some thoughts related to culture came into my head after that but I shall reserve my thoughts for now.

This is what I do to pass my time whenever I'm free. Every morning, I will walk into my garden to appreciate what has been grown. It's really nice to see these plants grow. I'm currently very excited about the bitter gourd. It's really fascinating to see it grow each day. Next to the gourd is the vegetable the chinese call 'wang ti chai' I don't know what you call it in English. It is delicious when cooked with sambal but I prefer to just stir fry it with garlic. Below the 'wang ti chai' is the lady's finger plant. I have more than 10 lady's finger trees in the garden. The lady's finger (okra) is tasty when eaten fresh. Usually in the mornings, I'll pluck 1 from the tree, rinse it with water and eat it straight away. It is crunchy and sweet when eaten raw. Good for the bowels but of course, I would not encourage one to eat raw ladies fingers that are bought from the market as it is not crunchy and fresh anymore, besides, it may have pesticides. The other plant which I love to eat it raw is the 'Oriental Basil'. It's easy to grow and a beautiful plant to have in the garden. It's commonly used in Vietnamese and Thai food. I love to eat it with sambal, like how ulam is eaten. So here's basically a mini introduction to my little vegetable garden. I have other plants too which I might just introduce to you in future. As much as I like vegetables, I have divided my garden to two parts which is the vegetable garden and the garden for flowers. I like to have colors in the garden. At the moment, my garden lacks of flowers, one of the reasons why the flowers are not growing too well is because of Brandy. She has done much damage to my plants. Here's one of the survivors of 'Brandy attack'- the Bunga Raya plant. I actually planted two other types of 'Bunga Raya' but Brandy ate them. I'm determined to grow the Bunga Raya again, for now, I'm working on the Alamanda first.

Teacher, were you once fat? Ms. Loke took me by surprised when she asked that question. I was not offended for I knew she just wanted to solve her curiosity. I answered her by saying yes. She had the guts to ask so I gave her the answer. Ms. Loke is on my ‘interesting students list’. Reason is because she is different from the rest. She is just special and I like her. She makes me smile.
Today, as I was window shopping after a squash game, in my worst attire with my colleagues, I heard ‘TEACHER!’ and then Ms. Loke appeared from nowhere asking me ‘teacher, are you engaged?’ I was surprised by her once again. How on earth did she find out? I doubt any of my colleagues would have been nosy enough to announce it. And then she said, ‘from your blog lah teacher, I read your blog’. I felt like putting a bag over my head when I heard that. She had been reading my blog! Goodness gracious me. But then again, I should expect that to happen shouldn’t I? After all I did not make my blog private and I placed it on the internet. So, will I be making any changes? I guess not for now. I have nothing much to hide although it does not excite me to discover that my blog is being read by my own students.

I’ve been wanting to send Brandy to the vet. She has grown much since I adopted her and it was time to spay her. I was however slow in my actions. Brandy got her heat while I was busy marking the exam papers. I’ve had dogs since young but I’ve not had much knowledge on how to care for dogs. Common sense told me that the heat meant Brandy was no more little and that she could have puppies. The heat now makes her attractive to male dogs. However, common sense did not tell me that male dogs mate bitches while they are on heat and the heat is the mating period for dogs. In other words, if Brandy is to be near to any male dog during this period of time, the possibility of her getting puppies is high.
I consulted the vet and discovered that the heat would last for maybe two weeks and I should make sure that male dogs do not go anywhere near Brandy during this period of time. It is not easy to keep these guys away because pretty Brandy is just too attractive for them to resist and they keep begging for her outside our fence. Gosh, I can’t wait for the heat to be over.
Somehow, it feels different to have a dog in the house and watch it grow. My opinion towards the dog is so different compared to my thoughts when I was a kid. Even my concerns are different. Some people describe Brandy as my daughter but to me, she is a little puppy who makes my days brighter. She is cute, adorable, funny but naughty. She amuses me everyday. A good therapy indeed for a moody person like me. I love my naughty Brandy.

Yesterday, while finalizing the marks, I lost control of my stress. Suddenly, I felt like going crazy. I almost went nuts without knowing the exact reason. I stopped my work and went to take a bath. I took the body scrub which Sheau Yuen gave me and gave myself a good scrub. Bet when Sheau Yuen gave me the body scrub, she never imagined it to provide me with such a great feeling. It felt heavenly. I felt as if I did not want to leave the bathroom. Never in my life had I felt so good while taking a bath.
I love my job. It is not too bad but marking makes me sick. It makes us want to quit our job. It’s such a stressful task to mark within such a short period of time with responsibility. I’m glad everything is over. My mind is finally at peace once again. I can now dance to the rhythm that nature makes. I hear birds singing once again.

I’ve been marking exam questions for 8 days. It was indeed a horrible experience. The paper was easy. It was a bonus paper for those who were competent in the language, yet, many students failed to answer it well. Marking the papers gave me much stress and really tested on my emotions. Firstly, I had a deadline to meet. I had to mark approximately 170 over scripts within 7 days. Every script consist of 9 comprehension questions, a formal letter, a cloze passage and an essay.
Secondly, I was disappointed to see the kind of mistakes the students still made despite being thought over and over again in class by their teachers over certain matters. The teachers who thought those students were more experienced than I was and yet, some failed to do well. I wondered how did my own students fared. I wondered if they failed to satisfy their examiners too. If they had, then perhaps I as their teacher had failed. I was anxious about their performance and at the same time wished I had done much more as their teacher during the semester. Nevertheless, I learnt a thing or two from the marking. I gained some new ideas on how to improve my teaching next semester.

It's the exam season and I am just as anxious as the students. I want to know how did they fare in my paper. If they did well, then i have done my job. If they fail, then I have failed as their teacher. I am anxious to know how MH will do in her resit paper on Monday. I can't wait to see what have we accomplished in these two weeks.

Hell is going to break loose tomorrow. The final exam begins and I have 200 papers to mark. Every set of paper will have a comprehension, an essay, a cloze passage and a formal letter. I don’t like exams because marking exam papers is a very troublesome matter. Seriousness and concentration is required as those papers are being marked and we are only given around 9 days to complete the task.
This semester was not a very good semester for me. Often, I was discouraged by students who were not keen on their studies. Some skipped classes while some withdrew from their studies. Perhaps my expectation on them were too high, I had this ideal vision of how I would want them to be and they did not turn out to be what I wanted them to be. The disappointments discouraged me. I was so tired of chasing after problematic students that I just did not want to care anymore. I did not bother to check on those who did not turn up for appointments. I decided that it takes two hands to clap and if they wanted to do well in their studies, they had to take some initiative and act on things.
Two weeks before the semester ended, MH came to me and told me that she was going to reseat for one of my papers and asked me if I could give her tuition. I agreed but I was skeptical. Last semester, I offered her tuition throughout the semester but she never turned up even once so this time, I did not take her request seriously. During out first meeting, I gave her some Antonyms to memorize. It was quite a lot to remember. When she came to see me again during our next meeting, I gave her dictation on the antonyms and she got 80% of it correct. I was pleased because she did study. I continued to give her work to do and she always got her work done. Sometimes it was not well done but I could see that she was serious about passing the paper this time.
I’m happy to have given her a second chance. She is one of the weakest in her batch, I remembered her friends calling her stupid but she inspires me. My encounter with her gives me hope to help weak students. She will not get A for this paper but I know if she maintains this consistency that she has, she is going to do better than most of her peers at the next level. Today, am a happy teacher.

Ok, I’m engaged. I got engaged during Christmas. He told my family that he wanted to get engaged with me and they approved. I’m happy to be engaged but then again, what is engagement all about? All I know is that it means I am no more available to other guys and I’m going to be the wife of the guy I’m engaged to I’ve been asking people about the meaning behind engagement yet no one has been able to give me a satisfying answer.

I’m happy to be engaged for I’m 99% sure that he is the one. I know he will be a good husband and we are going to be happy together. As much as I’m happy, I’m also worried. I’m worried about many things. First of all, I feel worried about my parents. I have no problems following my future husband to wherever he chooses to settle down yet I’m worried because I’ve made my parents to be dependent on me and I cannot just pack my bags and leave the way I did when I was 20. My parents are not young anymore, they need people to care for them and my presence has brought much security to them. People have been telling me that my parents look healthier ever since I came back and my presence has made a difference to them…..so I’m worried about them. What happens when I get married?

I have other worries too including finances but I know those problems can be solved as long as I make those little sacrifices i.e work extra for an extra income, live less lavishly so on and so forth. If the poor can find true happiness with the very little that they have, I don’t see myself not being able to do it too.

So…I guess these are my concerns for now. I’m excited and it’s about time I settle down with him….but at the same time, I’m mot too much at peace. Please keep me in prayer, that I find my solutions.

We have more than 10 graves to care for at the western road cemetery. Ideally, we want all the graves of our ancestors to be clean and pleasant looking. However, circumstances makes it difficult for it to be well maintained. Last week, Mary paid a man to clean my great grandfather’s grave. Our initial agreement was that he does the cleaning for RM 100 ringgit. When I went to settle the payment, the guy asked for more as the grave needed to be filled with extra soil and some cement work as the tomb was falling apart. I agreed with his reasoning. When I went to the grave the next day, the guy asked for the payment in advance as he needed cash to buy the materials. I thought it was a reasonable request so I gave him the money. That was the last time I saw him.
There are many odd job workers trying to earn a living around the cemetery, some of them do their job well while others have tarnished these people’s reputation by not keeping promises. I am aware of such possible problems arising but then again, I also believe in giving people a chance to prove their worth as well as not judging people at first sight. He did a magnificent job towards the marble on the tomb, never had I seen it so clean, that’s why I trusted his word and gave him the extra money. Unfortunately, he took advantage of my trust.
I was very dissatisfied by what had happened. I asked the other odd job workers and they admitted that that particular guy could not be trusted. They said it was difficult for them to warn me as my sister had given him the job before they could warn us plus they did not want to create an unpleasant feeling among them. I drove along the cemetery and asked people if they saw him until a man told me to wait. He walked down to a corner and shouted in tamil. He was shouting at someone angrily for 3 minutes and dragged the guy out, as if to tell him to give me a good explanation and that guy told me he will get it done before Sunday. I am skeptical, the other men told me it will never happen but I’m going to wait and see what happens.
It is so annoying when people take advantage of other people’s trust, tarnishing other people’s reputation as well as the saying ’ once bitten twice shy’ once an odd job worker cheats you, you become weary of them.

Punctuality is important. It is a student's responsibility to be punctual.

'Teacher, I woke up late, I am sorry, can I come and see you at 10.30 am instead of 10am?'

This is not a valid reason for lateness. It is not suppose to be ok but then again, there are many other students who are worst than this girl. They do not even turn up for appointments. So, this girl, although is late for her appointment without a reasonable reason is considered to be better than those who do not even bother to notify.

Sigh......what's wrong with us? She is suppose to learn how to wake up on time and be punctual for her appointments, but then again, the environment has not taught her that and she thinks it is ok to be late as long as she notifies.

There are many habitual latecomers who have the cheek to their their lecturers that:

'Teacher I know I'm late, but at least I come. I could have chosen to be absent you know' as if the teachers need them to be present in their class. For a teacher, it is always better to have fewer students in the class for we teach better when the group is small.

Gosh, what's becoming of this society?

It was definitely not easy at the beginning but I manage to pull through. I would say that I’m more fortunate than many other people because I have friends who supported me in times of difficulty. I graduated in the year 2004 and I’ve been working for almost four years already. Although, I’ve been working for four years already, I’m just starting to see myself the way I sort of visualized myself to be when I was younger. I’m only starting to see myself as a person with a career and a stable income; I can see myself progressing in time to come if I continue to work from where I am at the moment. I know, if I persevere, I should be able to achieve something in time to come. There are ups and down in life but I have nothing serious to complain about. I am generally satisfied with what I have.
I know I have dreams of owning my own restaurant and chalet; it has always been my ideal dream. But then again, I’m in no way frustrated that I’m no where near it. Maybe one may think that I’m not ambitious enough but I don’t see that as a problem. I have learnt to prioritized things, I know what’s important to me most and I to work on achieving it, the only challenge that I foresee myself having is when I cannot have both and need to choose between the two things that are most important.

Last night was a lonely night for me. I did not receive a single sms. Yet, I was not disturbed, I just wondered why did some people not respond to my smses. Also, I found it interesting that no one bothered to even send me a new year sms. I had these curious thoughts lingering in my head from time to time throughout the whole day. Little did I realize that I was actually having a network problem that prevented me from receiving any smses. So after I got my problem solved, I had my handphone flooded with smses. Some were still valid while others were already outdated.
I did not make any new year resolutions but there is a thought that has been distracting me. There is a little urge within me that desires to help kids from poor families enjoy and appreciate education. I don’t know how can this desire be a reality after my first encounter with M but I believe things are still possible with Him as my guide. Some of you may ask what happened to my dream of owning a f & b business, and if I was ever serious with any of my dreams especially since I have not been doing anything about it to become a reality. Well, I have not cut off the F& B dream.
The dream of giving education to kids is actually not a new dream. I’ve had this desire ever since I went to Tapah to teach the orang asli kids for 10 days 6 years ago, perhaps the only difference between this dream and the F & B dream is that I rarely spoke about this dream to anybody. I was saddened by what I saw in Tapah and I promised myself that I would do something to give needy children a second chance and maybe that is why I never hesitated to teach the weakest students in the college English. I had hope in them.
I spent my new year morning day dreaming on how to make this dream a reality, it felt good but when I think back about M, the castles that I built in the air suddenly collapsed.

It is new year, the fireworks have just stopped and Brandy is lazier than she ever was. She is lying stiff under the chair, refusing or cannot be bothered to move a single inch from her position. I think my poor puppy is disturbed by the fireworks and feels most secure under the chair inside the house.
It has been one of the most depressing evenings. So lonely and boring, with nothing interesting at all on air. Perhaps the problem is myself, I am overly negative in my thoughts so much so that I failed to see anything positive today that would cheer me up. Yes I sound pathetic.
I was invited to participate in a few gatherings but eventually I opted not to go for any of it. My reason was simple, I could not see myself finding contentment in any of it. I am grateful to be invited, no offence to any of them, I just did not feel like going for it that’s all. Orange said I sounded as if I am disturbed, I denied but I think she is right.
I had a mission today, my mission was to fulfill a wish list before the year 2009 and I put in a little effort on it after work. I had very limited details of the girl I was going to help. I only knew her name, her needs and her father’s mobile number with a house address. Prior to visiting her, I tried to call her father over the mobile as I was filled with uncertainty. I had tried calling for a week to an inactive number so finally, I braved myself today, found courage to go and look for her house. The name of the street was familiar, it was a main road that was more than 1 km long. I had no problems finding the street but not the house. Thank God for the gift of six sense, I parked my car somewhere and headed towards the direction I thought would be right.
I found the house with no problem, I guess God guided me. The house was not where I imagined it to be, it was a little wooden hut located in the squatter area. Thankfully, the house was the first house I checked out, I did not have to search further. I stood outside the door and took a little peep. I saw a young man and a teenage girl getting intimate on the couch. I asked them if it was M’s house and the girl told me it was she and that was my first surprise.
I told M how I got to know about her and asked her if there was anything I could do to help especially in education. Her mother came out to see me (second surprise, I was told she had a retarded mother, so I was surprised to discover that the mother seemed perfectly normal and healthy). M said, she stopped going to school (that was surprise number three because I was told that she needed help in education), when I asked her when did she stop schooling, she told me since two years ago. I asked her why did she stop schooling and her mother said it was not necessary because she did not show interest in school, besides, she had younger siblings who were still in school receiving education. I asked her if she was working and she told me she was too young to work (she is fourteen). So basically, I was given the impression that the girl I was suppose to help is actually not going to school because it is not important for her to get education and she is not working because she is underage. I asked her if she needed any help ie wanted to go back to school and all she answered was she has to ask her father first. Every single question was replied with ‘ kena tanya bapa saya’
To be honest, I really felt discouraged after the visit. There were many things I could not comprehend. Firstly, they lived in the city and was well exposed to development, yet their hut was worst than any of the orang asli houses that I’ve been to. It was dirty and rats were seen as if they belonged to the family, walking out of the rooms into the kitchen. Secondly, how could the adults allow the family to live in such conditions. The hut to me is not a problem but it is pretty much ridiculous to say that poverty is the reason why cleanliness and hygiene of the home is neglected. I’ve been to the outskirts and I’ve seen how bad living conditions can be but I honestly cannot understand how is it that people living in the city can be worst off than those in the outskirts. They have furniture, electric, electrical appliances…etc but the living conditions seemed worst than the poorest of the poor in the villages.
I found what I saw today to be terribly disturbing. I try to imagine M’s father. Part of me feels as if ‘oh well, since they themselves are not interested, I should might as well be committed to those who would appreciate it’ but then again, another part of me is also disturbed by M’s facial expression when I asked her if she wanted to study. She looked as if she was about to cry……
The year 2008 left without leaving me at peace. I want an answer from the person who provided M’s information on why the information provided was misleading and I also want to meet M’s father to know why she stopped schooling. If M goes back to school, she has three more years to prepare for SPM and I’m sure if she makes the best out of her second chance, she might just have a different kind of future.
Happy New Year! I hope you are not as discouraged as I am.

Oh by the way, taboo phrases in my life for the new year are ‘have to play by ear’. ?“For goodness sake, why can’t people decide? I have a life to live and my time is precious. I cannot be flexible on things that involve others and requires commitment. My time is not to be spent with you only for I do have other people in my life too. I think flexibility is sometimes being misused as an option for non-commitment.

I was listening to the radio last night when suddenly a thought came into my head.......it's related to people who KILL and punish others in the name of GOD.
I was just thinking, God is great and powerful and has the ability to do whatever He wants. He does not need us to KILL people on his behalf right? If God needs us to kill those who has sinned against Him, then He would not be God right?

Just a thought on judging, happy new year

'See you next year' I tell my students but I myself am not ready for a new year. Everyone is excited about their new year plans tonight but why not me? I don't seem to be excited at all with any of the New Year parties that I'm invited to. I do not want to stay home but I do not see myself wanting to go for any of these parties at all. Sigh.......perhaps it's because I'm being greedy and I expect too much. I am indeed an anti-social who just don't feel like entertaining people whom I'm not comfortable with. Gosh, I suddenly feel like the Grinch

Hello All,

I'm back to reality and everything really ...sigh.......deadlines........arghhhh...leave me alone.....yes I am being childish but at times I really do wish I can be like my students who allow their emotions to rule over them and just do things without putting much thought to the consequences.

I guess I am saying all these because I had a great break and I just don't want to get back to work. I am dragging my feet into school today, missing all that has happened over the long weekend.

Happy new year Jenn and may you not allow all the negative thought over rule you. Think positive and of good things.

Dear Friends,

I will be only back after 29th December. I'm taking time off from work as well as the Internet during this period to spend more time with my loved ones. I hope you get to experience little happy moments with those whom you are spending your Christmas with. God bless and a blessed Christmas to all.

Jenn

1 CORINTHIANS 13 AT CHRISTMAS

If I decorate my house perfectly with plaid
bows, strands of twinkling lights and shiny
balls, but do not show love to my family, I’m
just another decorator.
If I slave away in the kitchen, baking dozens
of Christmas cookies, preparing gourmet
meals and arranging a beautifully adorned
table at mealtime, but do not show love to
my family, I’m just another cook.
If I work at the soup kitchen, carol in the
nursing home and give all that I have to
charity, but do not show love to my family, it
profits me nothing.
If I trim the tree with shimmering angels and
crocheted snowflakes, attend a myriad of
holiday parties and sing in the choir’s cantata
but do not focus on Christ, I have missed the
point.
Love stops the cooking to hug the child.
Love sets aside the decorating to kiss the
husband.
Love is kind, though harried and tired.
Love doesn’t envy another’s home that has
coordinated Christmas china and table linens.
Love doesn’t yell at the kids to get out of the
way.
Love doesn’t give only to those who are able
to give in return but rejoices in giving to
those who can’t.
Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails. Video games will break,
pearl necklaces will be lost, golf clubs will
rust.
But giving the gift of love will endure.

Wishing all a happy and Blessed Christmas!

In two days time, it’ll be Christmas yet I have two to do things on my list which I really want to settle before Christmas comes, the other matters on the list can wait. Firstly, I want to get both my parents a rattan chair each. The old ones are not stable anymore and it’ll really be wonderful for them to have new rattan chairs to sit on as they sit and watch people and animals pass by our house everyday in the evenings. My second to do thing is to fulfill a wish list of a 14year old girl whom I have never met. I should meet this girl and check on what she needs, get to know her so that I know how I can contribute in her life. Hmm…….1 and a half days left…time is running out.

As you know, it's assessment time again and William (the boy I mentioned in the previous post) is done with his presentation but not his sister. He comes to me and asks, 'Teacher, can I attend M22's (the sister's class) presentation? His sister who overhears his request turned and gives him a bitter stare.
'Don't you dare' She said.
I asked him why and he gives me a cheeky look. 'I just want to see'
The sister begins to feel insecure and said 'teacher please don't let it happen'
'Well, if you think you could learn something from the presentation.....'
'William I tell you ah, don't you do this to me, I hate you' William's sister did not let me finish what I wanted to say.
William grins. I knew he just wanted to disturb his sister so I told him he could go to my other classes if he really wanted to learn from the rest.

I love these siblings as my students

It was about lunch time when I received a call from Shawn.
"Auntie Jennifer, are you getting married?"
"Not for now Shawn, why are you asking this question?"
He got his answer and passed the phone to my sister. Apparently, while having lunch, he suddenly asked his parents what should he wear from my wedding. His parents got so amused that they decided he should talk to me about it.
Kids are so cute and they always say the darnest things.

When the students have their presentations, I bring a little bell with me to remind them of the time. To me, the bell is just a bell yet students get excited over it.
Incident 1:
Student: Teacher, can I play with the bell?
Me: No, why would you want to play with the bell?
Student: I think it’s fun, can I? Please? Just once
Me: Ok, just once
Student: Thing, ting, ting….(presses the bell with much satisfaction and giggles)
Incident 2:
I walk into the class and immediately a boy walks up to me and says
Boy: Teacher, can I help you today?
Me: Oh? To do what?
Boy: I want to be the person who presses the bell.
Me: (amused) Ok, you can be the time keeper.
Two to three other students: Ei, wo ye yao! (I want too, I want too)
Me: Ok, you can all take turns.
Incident 3:
I was speaking to some students after class when a few students gathered round my table. I caught them staring at the bell when suddenly, one of them bravely reaches out his hands and presses the bell and quickly walks away and pretended as if he did nothing.

IT IS JUST A BELL and yet, it amuses so many people. They reminded me of those days when some of us used to run to our friend's bicycles to ring the bell and run off. Anyway, I thought these boys were cute and I love them. Good day to all.

US President George. W. Bush was humiliated yesterday when an Iraqi man threw a pair of shoes at him during a press conference. If the world had respected that man, then the world would not have embarrassed him by making it known worldwide. I take my hats off to Muntazer for his guts. I’m sure George Bush was very much aware that the world condemned his contributions towards the Iraqi war yet he seemed to not show any sign of regret over what has happened and on Monday, Muntazer sent a very clear message on behalf of his people that he was angry at what Bush had done to his people. He stood up, faced the man and threw the shoes at him.
People of higher position have condemned Muntazer’s act saying that it was very unprofessional for him to do so and that he was embarrassing his nation but I guess sometimes drastic measures have to be taken to send the message across and this time, I support Muntazer for what he did. He did not hurt anyone, he did not kill anyone, he just slapped him in the face and I think that’s what some people need as a wake up call.

Tuesday is supposed to be my favorite day of the week because I have only two classes to teach in and lessons only start at 11am. Unfortunately, the first class that I teach on Tuesdays often tries to tests on my patience.
This week is the assessment week for my certificate students. This week, they have two tests to sit for and they have been reminded over and over again about it. I told them not to be late for the test for the assessment will be disrupted if they come in late.
I walked into the class today and found it to be half full. I was not too happy with what I saw but I kept my patience. I started the assessment anyway because I did not want to delay. The late comers started walking in while the other groups were presenting and I still continued to keep my cool. At 11.30 am, half an hour after the assessment had started, a boy walks in. He puts his bag on the table and walks towards me.
Boy: Teacher, that day ah, I did not sign my attendance, I want to sign my attendance.
Myself: Do you know that you are late?
Boy: Yes, I know.
Myself: Why are you late?
Boy: Sesat. (He has been coming to the same school for 28 weeks and he can tell me that he lost his way!)
That really got on my nerves. He walks in late into my assessment, disrupts the assessment to ask me for the attendance list so that he could sign on it. I lost my temper and stared at him in the eye and asked him if the attendance is what matters most. Today was the 1st time I locked my student out of the class. I nearly shouted bloody hell into his face but I kept my cool on that. I am the teacher with a soft spot but sometimes, they just need to learn a lesson.
Sometimes I wish I knew my grandfather so that he could teach me a thing or two on disciplining naughty students.

I was listening to mix FM yesterday when the topic of discussion was 'what makes you want to go home to your spouse'. Apparently, many people lie to their spouses and not go home straight after work due to many reasons.

I asked myself if I would go home straight after work if I had a spouse and my answer was definitely yes, provided that he was at home.If he was not at home, then perhaps there would be no good reason to why I ought to make my way home right after work. What would make me go home to my spouse? Well, I guess it's the idea of spending time relaxing with the one you love after a busy day. There's no need for any specific or romantic programmes. I think the whole idea of just 'lepaking' in the house with someone else around can be fun even though it also means doing more household chores, as long as I don't do it alone.

I liked what a guy said. He said what makes him want to go home right after work is to have dinner waiting for him at the table and to be able to enjoy a good meal with his family.

Papa earned himself an ‘ang moh lao’ yesterday. He fell down and knocked his head. Interestingly, mum was not sympathetic at all. All she said was ‘very good, served you right, you asked for it’ and she sat in the garden, waiting for me to return home from work, ignoring him throughout the whole evening.
Mum has been pretty much fed up with papa’s stubbornness so much so that she calls him a nuisance. She is fed up because she has been deprived of her own privacy and lack of freedom in spending time the way she desires.She greeted me yesterday by saying ‘papa fell down’ and nothing more. She was so cool about it as if nothing serious had happened. I walked into the room and was shocked when I saw papa. His head was swollen and for a while I thought his faced was damaged. I had to take a second good look at his face to calm myself. It was obvious that he had a bad fall and Sokha looked as if she was about to cry. She kept on apologizing in Cambodian, trying to explain how he fell. I was no way angry at her. I knew very well that Sokha would have never let it happened if she had a choice.
This morning, when papa woke up. Mum took him to the mirror, gave him his glasses and asked him to take a good look at himself. He thought it was funny and laughed at his face. Mum said she wanted to show him how terrible he looked but i guess mum failed to scare him for after we gave him breakfast, he started to move himself from his seat to kick poor Brandy for barking.
Aish....a new chapter of unpredictable happenings....

For two semesters I’ve been trying to have personal talks with some of my students. I’ve been trying to understand them as well as their problems as they have not been able to perform well in my class. Today, after some of them did their presentation, I voiced out my disappointment in class. I told them how I felt. After I dismissed the students a student walked up to me and asked me if I think he should continue his studies. I asked him why and he told me his doubts. As I was speaking to him, his classmates started to gather to listen to what I had to say. Eventually, I ended up having the whole class sitting around me telling me their challenges.
I was not prepared for such a serious conversation with such a big group of students. All of a sudden, I was overwhelmed with problems faced by the students. Each of them wanted to be heard, expecting a solution to their problem. It was indeed a challenging day for me in school. It was a day I failed to get a single minute of privacy at school.
I know that talking to them on those problem is not in my job description but I just felt I had to do it for they chose to open up to me and they might not do the same if I had referred them to a counselor. I have always desired to know my students better so that I can not only their teacher but also their friend. I got what I wanted today but am I able to carry on this responsibility? My feelings are mixed at the moment.
Part two:
When I was in school, I always told myself that I wanted to be either like my teachers in school or be an even better teacher. Today, I learnt that it was not easy to actually provide extra attention to all the students who needed it. My diploma students are preparing for their group presentation and I have forced them to show me their outline prior to the presentation. Out of all the outlines that were submitted, only a handful did not need corrections to be made. I am not impressed and am determined to help them work on a better outline. However, I have one major problem which is time. I can hardly find time to sit down and conduct personal consultation with the students. As a result, I need to be very brief when I explain to them. Sometimes, I do not even have the time to make sure that they comprehend what I tell them.
I look back and thought of my teachers back then at school and I can’t help it but to solute them for their patience and sacrifices when they taught us. They too I’m sure found time to be precious yet they gave us all the time that they could give to help us learn.


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The desire for some privacy sometimes seem to be very selfish. But without it, I’m sure I’d be a very stressed up person because I won’t be able to find the freedom to do the things that my heart desires. I find calmness when I have my privacy and when I am calm, I am in control of my own emotions. But then again, sometimes earning my own privacy also means rejecting someone who requests for some of my time and when I do that, the sense of guilt naturally sips into me because I have rejected someone.
It is definitely not easy for one to find privacy in the midst of all the hue hah’s in life and it is definitely even more difficult for one to have some private moments with another because both individuals tend to have different people walking into their lives, seeking for their attention. To make things worst, we live in a era whereby gadgets are so advanced so much so that we are so easily traced or contacted. Walk into the street and you will find people talking to another person over the phone while they are in the company of another person. Talk to someone over the phone and you will realize that he is surrounded people who may be ears dropping the conversation. It is almost impossible for one to be in a place alone with just that someone minus the distractions unless we lock ourselves in a room or bring the person to deep in the jungle where no one else can reach us.
Privacy is something which I long in a relationship. I long for personal moments with that special someone and perhaps that is why I am not a fan of big parties and gatherings because it does not help me have personal moments with another individual. I am myself when I’m alone with another. I am comfortable being natural and honest when I’m not in a crowd. Some people find me romantic because of that but I think I’m just plain selfish or more like anti-social.
I think I ought to be grateful to have friends who are willing to spend these personal moments with me. I may have forced them into it at times but I am still grateful because they have not really rejected me when I asked for their time.

I retract the things I said yesterday. I think I have been an angry person of late. Ever since Dr. Goh insisted that I was stressed, I’ve been stressed. I’ve become easily irritated by petty little matters and have barked at people at times. Sometimes, they deserve it while sometimes they happened to be at the wrong place, the wrong time. Interestingly, my victims thus far have not been any of my students although some of them really do deserve a good lashing.
Why am I so angry? I don’t really know. Sabrina says it has got to be PMS, I’m not sure about that. I do not enjoy being an angry person. The fact that I’m angry actually upsets me and adds on to the stress that I’m experiencing. I am not enjoying a single moment of it, and to make things worst, I seem to be moving away from the kind of emotions I ought to have during this season of Advent. It is not funny at all and it hurts. Perhaps God is teaching me to be wiser, to make me feel the pain? I don’t really know.

I was about to leave for home when I recieved an sms asking me about papa's condition. My mother had complained that he was annoying and irritating and the person asked me why this and why that. It really got me irritated. Ever since papa's been in and out of hospital, people have been extra caring towards his condition so much so that sometimes people over react.

Papa's condition has improved alot ever since he got discharged. In fact he is even fitter than he used to be and can be a handful. He is cranky and demanding and expects things to be done his way. ie. wanting to bathe 2 to 3 times a day even at odd hours, demanding for dinner when it is tea time so on and so forth.He questions my mother and calls her names just because she ignores him.

What annoys me is when people who do not live with us walks into the house and make their own conclusions right after they visit him. They think they know the best solutions for him. The other day, one person actually took a persimmon from the fridge and fed him. I was dismayed when i saw him stuffing it into his mouth because the fruit was hard and cold. I was right, he choked on the fruit right after the person left and the person left feeling contented because she had fed my father with some refreshing fruit. It is interesting how some parents ban their children from ice-creams just because it's cold and yet demand that my dad who is sick should have ice-cream just because it is his favourite food.

I did not intend to complain about all these little petty things because I don't find it worth talking about. The sms just came at the right time while I'm online and got me boiling mad.

On a happier note, I was pleasantly surprised when i got home from the market yesterday morning. A few ladies from the Penang Eurasian Association had brought some Christmas goodies for my parents. They brought two little boxes with various homemade cakes in it. I thought it was really sweet of them to do so, to bring cheer to the elderly. My dad did not really take note of their presence but I could see the radiance on my mother's face when I got home.

After a good rest yesterday, I woke up feeling rejuvenated and was eager to enjoy something light yet warm for breakfast, so I dropped by at Island Glades for breakfast before leaving for work. On my way back to my car, I saw a familiar face walking down the street. I overtook the woman to confirm my suspicion. Indeed it was my secondary school teacher Pn Yong.
I: Lao Shi. (not expecting her to remember me due to past encounters with her)
PY: Ei. Where are you going to?
I: I am going to work, I dropped by for breakfast.
PY: I see, where are you working?
I: Oh, I work in college.
PY: So what do you do there?
I: I teach.
PY: Wah, all my ex-students have become professionals, more successful than myself.
I: Not really teacher, I’m teaching in a college because I’m not qualified to teach in a school. I’m not a trained teacher.
PY: So why don’t you go and get your qualifications?
I: I can’t afford to get posted elsewhere because my purpose of staying in Penang is to be near to home.
PY: My gosh, don’t tell me you are one of those who plan to look after parents until you neglect your own future.
I: Of course not.
PY: Please don’t be like those who look after their parents until they deny themselves of family life. It is not wrong to send your parents to old folks home you know. We all love our parents but sometimes we just have to move on with life. I had to do the same to my mother and I sent her to the old folks home because we were all working and there was no one to look after her. My mom was in coma and the doctor said that her heart was strong and had a long time to live. So we sent her to the home for the aged. She died after being there for three days, if I knew that would happen, I would have taken time off from work to spend those days with her. But we can never predict the future and we never know when will one’s life end, so it’s best to plan for long term. I can accept it if my children ever decide to send me to an old folks home as long as it’s a good one and does not abuse me. I just can’t expect them to care for me the way our mothers used to care for their elders anymore.
I: Yes you are right but I think for now, my parents are fine at home for there’s someone at home to look after them while I’m at work.
PY: Oh ic, but please do get married.
I: Well, I do have social life, I work, I go out with friends and I do have a boyfriend.
PY: Oh, that’s good, go on and get married, you are not that young anymore. I’m sure you are due for that.
I: We shall see. Ok, lao shi, this is my car, I talk to you another time?
PY: Sure, you take care ya.
I: Bye.
(Pn Yong I’m sure cannot recall who I am. She has retired for more than 15years and has been unable to remember any of us. I’ve met her a few times and I noticed that she was unable to recall many things. Well, I can’t blame her for that. I was glad to have met her this morning. It was pleasant talking to her. I would never expect her to say the things that she told me but I know she was sincere in her opinion. I felt as if I was speaking to my Aunty Thai Moi who was always frank yet concern about my future)

Papa has been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease stage one. It is a disease that I know very little about. As far as I’m concern, it is also not a disease somebody would want to have as patients loose control of their body movements as a result of the disease. I am not sure if Parkinson’s is linked to dementia but to be honest, I am not totally overwhelmed by the fact that papa has this illness. I’m learning to get accustomed to his dwindling condition. After the pneumonia attack I have prepared myself for the worst. I have Sokha’s presence to thank for taking away half of my worries. I don’t think I would have been able to cope if she was not around. Her presence has made things so much more easier at home. She is illiterate yet she has been pretty much reliable in helping me to care for my parents while I’m not at home. She is compassionate and caring and is attentive towards my parents’ needs.
I have no medical background and I am not aware of the signs and symptoms of Parkinson’s. I guess I ought to read up more to understand this condition of health and how it can effect a patient with dementia, for now, I think papa‘s future is pretty much uncertain for we are always surprised with something new. Each time he visit’s the doctor, he brings with him a new diagnostic of illness.
I have stopped bringing papa to church as I’ve been advised to not do so since his immune system is not strong and exposing him too much to the public air might actually risk him to have a relapsed of pneumonia. Even so, I know he would love to attend mass during the weekends and it is also my wish to be able to bring him to church again on a regular basis but with his current condition, I really do not know when this desire of ours can be achieved.

Maybe it is my mother’s nature to be friendly and sometimes a busybody, I grew up knowing my neighbors. I knew how many people lived in one house, whose husband had died, who was divorced and who did not get along with their in-laws. My immediate neighbor is a hawker and few individuals live in that house. There’s the pancake man and his wife, a relative and a mentally retarded girl. They have been my neighbors ever since my family moved in. Ah Yim, who is the mentally retarded girl is in her 50’s but she behaves like a child. She plays in the garden very often and sometimes messes the house. They love her but she can be very annoying and it gets on to their nerves so sometimes, they beat her and she will cry and scream as if she was abused. I grew up getting used Ah Yim’s annoying ways. Sometimes I get very upset at her too because she makes so much noise that it disrupts my sleep. Although Ah Yim is annoying, she is significant in the neighborhood because she is always in her garden and whoever passes by the house would know that she exists.
Yesterday, I came home and found their gate open with some tables and chairs in the garden. I thought they were having some birthday party when I noticed their alter covered with a red paper. Ah Yim had died. She was sick of late but nobody realized that she was terminally ill. They found her motionless in the kitchen after lunch and nothing could be done to save her. Mom always said that Ah Yim’s sister was heartless because she beat her but I think it was her way of teaching her a lesson after all, she was never trained to handle a special person like Ah Yim.
Ah Yim never really stepped out to see the world all her life. Her condition confined her to home and obviously she did not have many friends, Yet, relatives did come to see her last night to pay their last respects. Some even shed tears especially the sister who usually beats and disciplines Ah Yim. She said, Ah Yim bo liao (means Ah Yim is not around anymore) and tears flowed out of her eyes. I guess she must have loved Ah Yim despite beating her. She could have easily left Ah Yim somewhere else instead of looking after her for so many years. It was tough to have a sister like Ah Yim yet they tried their best. I am not sad about Ah Yim’s passing. I think she is in a better place right now. She has gone through a lot as a person with special needs for 59 years of her life and I think she is happily taking her rest right now.
May Ah Yim’s soul rest in peace.

I took leave after accessing my certificate class this morning. I could not take it anymore, the pain in my stomach was really bad and I felt really miserable. My students teased me and asked if I was pregnant despite knowing the fact that I was not married yet, they told me to take care and rest well before bidding me goodbye.
I packed my things and took off to the panel clinic. I was skeptical about my visit to the panel doctor. My past experience with them was not a pleasant one and I wondered if I’d feel the same too this time. During my last visit to one of their branch clinic, I saw how they left an accident victim bleeding and unattended for more than 15minute. The girl’s friend took her to another clinic after that. I wondered what kind of negative feeling would I have this time.
Interestingly, there was no patient before me so I got to see the doctor immediately. He was an old doctor and he gave me a cynical smile and asked me what was my problem. I told him I vomited twice last night and had a stomach ache right now.
Dr: Are you stressed?
I: No.
Dr: You mean your job is too easy issit?
I: Not really but it does not stress me out.
Dr: What do you mean, it’s either yes or no.
I: Ok, I do get stress at times but it’s not that bad, I’ve experienced more stressful moments before.
Dr: So you are stress, that’s why you have this problem.
I: You mean the cause of all this is stress?
Dr: SMILES.
I: OK FINE, WHATEVER.
Dr: LOOKS AT MY DETAILS
Dr: You live in Birmingham Avenue?
I: No
Dr: Oh Lebuhraya Bingham, where is that?
I: Glugor.
Dr: IC, so what religion does your parents practice? Buddhist? Hindu? Or….
I: They are Christians.
Dr: Which Church do they go to?
I: Cathedral of the Holy Spirit.
Dr. Oh, Catholic, do you go to church?
I: Yes I do.
Dr: What bible do you read?
I: The Christian Community Bible.
Dr. What kind of bible is that? I never heard of it.
I: Well, it’s a bible, printed by a different publisher, just like your good news bible.
Dr: I know, I think you are stressed because you are not turning to God to solve your problems. You pray through Mary and that’s the problem. You are not turning directly to Him as your source of strength, unlike us.
I: LOOK AT HIM WITH MY EYES OPENED WIDER and SMILED.
I: Really? That’s interesting. I KNEW THERE WAS NO WAY TO ARGUE WITH A MAN LIKE HIM.
Dr: Ok, God bless
I: Same to you, happy day. Hope you find joy treating your patients.
Dr: CYNICAL SMILE.
I: Bye.
I walked out of his room wondering what was his intention. Hmmm….that was one of my weirdest encounter with a doctor. I drove home and slept through the afternoon and felt way much better after that. I think I needed the rest.

Last night was a disaster for me and so is today. I vomited all that I had eaten yesterday in two parts last night and had to go through a sleepless night feeling miserable, wondering what was wrong with me. I only ate home cook food and yet I felt so sick. I don't know what went wrong. I suspect it's the kiam chye soup my neighbor gave because I did not heat it up before I ate it. For now, I am partially regretful that I ate that thing and at the same time worried that the kiam chye is not the cause of it.
I feel really down right now and I wish I could just go home now and rest in bed.

My students are planning to go for an outing, they have decided to watch ‘Bolt’ the cartoon together as a class. They are excited over it and everyone has made their payment to the class representative who will take the bus to Gurney Plaza this evening to buy the tickets. Sitting on their own seats, the boys invited me to join them. It sounded so fun that I was tempted to accept their invitation but I had to decline their invitation as it is a weekday and I knew I would be exhausted after the movie and I had a lot of unattended things waiting for me to settle. ‘Teacher, are you sure you don’t want to come? Come larr teacher.’ I smiled and thanked them for being thoughtful.
‘Teacher, how about I pay for your ticket, will you join us?’ Piaw asked.
I thought it was really sweet of them to extend the invitation especially Piaw’s. Piaw is not my best student in that class but I love teasing him. He is chubby and would always try to find a way to escape doing my homework. I always say ‘ Piaw, can you answer this question or have you piaw piaw (floated in mandarin) to somewhere else?’ during class and everyone would laugh. If he is cheeky, he would respond in a cheeky manner and play along with the joke.
The college is very particular with the student’s attendance and warning letters are sent home if the students are absent too often. One day Piaw checked on his attendance and realized that he was absent once for my class. The next day, he came to see me with an MC. Sensing that he bought the MC from the clinic, I told him no problem without even looking at him and did not do anything about it.
YP: Teacher, I showed you the MC already ah, why you still give me an egg? (the egg is actually a red little circle we mark on the names of those who are absent.
I: It’s ok, show me that MC only when you really need it. For now, your MC is not needed.
YP: Ah? You mean my MC no use? Please lah teacher, I had to pay so much money to buy this MC you know.
I: I know, that’s why I said you can keep it. Your MC is fake and I won’t accept it.
YP: Aiyah.
I: By the way, how much did you give the doctor?
YP: Not a lot and not very cheap also lah.
I: Next time, use that money to buy your friend lunch, don’t waste your money on those doctors.
YP: Ya hor, teacher, why you never said so earlier?
I: Well, I did not expect you to go and buy that MC.

Anyway, I love Piaw’s class. It may be the weakest diploma group I have ever taught in but they have very pleasant personalities. They are honest and sincere when in class. In fact, they were the only group of students who did not plagiarize their presentation like the rest.