It is new year, the fireworks have just stopped and Brandy is lazier than she ever was. She is lying stiff under the chair, refusing or cannot be bothered to move a single inch from her position. I think my poor puppy is disturbed by the fireworks and feels most secure under the chair inside the house.
It has been one of the most depressing evenings. So lonely and boring, with nothing interesting at all on air. Perhaps the problem is myself, I am overly negative in my thoughts so much so that I failed to see anything positive today that would cheer me up. Yes I sound pathetic.
I was invited to participate in a few gatherings but eventually I opted not to go for any of it. My reason was simple, I could not see myself finding contentment in any of it. I am grateful to be invited, no offence to any of them, I just did not feel like going for it that’s all. Orange said I sounded as if I am disturbed, I denied but I think she is right.
I had a mission today, my mission was to fulfill a wish list before the year 2009 and I put in a little effort on it after work. I had very limited details of the girl I was going to help. I only knew her name, her needs and her father’s mobile number with a house address. Prior to visiting her, I tried to call her father over the mobile as I was filled with uncertainty. I had tried calling for a week to an inactive number so finally, I braved myself today, found courage to go and look for her house. The name of the street was familiar, it was a main road that was more than 1 km long. I had no problems finding the street but not the house. Thank God for the gift of six sense, I parked my car somewhere and headed towards the direction I thought would be right.
I found the house with no problem, I guess God guided me. The house was not where I imagined it to be, it was a little wooden hut located in the squatter area. Thankfully, the house was the first house I checked out, I did not have to search further. I stood outside the door and took a little peep. I saw a young man and a teenage girl getting intimate on the couch. I asked them if it was M’s house and the girl told me it was she and that was my first surprise.
I told M how I got to know about her and asked her if there was anything I could do to help especially in education. Her mother came out to see me (second surprise, I was told she had a retarded mother, so I was surprised to discover that the mother seemed perfectly normal and healthy). M said, she stopped going to school (that was surprise number three because I was told that she needed help in education), when I asked her when did she stop schooling, she told me since two years ago. I asked her why did she stop schooling and her mother said it was not necessary because she did not show interest in school, besides, she had younger siblings who were still in school receiving education. I asked her if she was working and she told me she was too young to work (she is fourteen). So basically, I was given the impression that the girl I was suppose to help is actually not going to school because it is not important for her to get education and she is not working because she is underage. I asked her if she needed any help ie wanted to go back to school and all she answered was she has to ask her father first. Every single question was replied with ‘ kena tanya bapa saya’
To be honest, I really felt discouraged after the visit. There were many things I could not comprehend. Firstly, they lived in the city and was well exposed to development, yet their hut was worst than any of the orang asli houses that I’ve been to. It was dirty and rats were seen as if they belonged to the family, walking out of the rooms into the kitchen. Secondly, how could the adults allow the family to live in such conditions. The hut to me is not a problem but it is pretty much ridiculous to say that poverty is the reason why cleanliness and hygiene of the home is neglected. I’ve been to the outskirts and I’ve seen how bad living conditions can be but I honestly cannot understand how is it that people living in the city can be worst off than those in the outskirts. They have furniture, electric, electrical appliances…etc but the living conditions seemed worst than the poorest of the poor in the villages.
I found what I saw today to be terribly disturbing. I try to imagine M’s father. Part of me feels as if ‘oh well, since they themselves are not interested, I should might as well be committed to those who would appreciate it’ but then again, another part of me is also disturbed by M’s facial expression when I asked her if she wanted to study. She looked as if she was about to cry……
The year 2008 left without leaving me at peace. I want an answer from the person who provided M’s information on why the information provided was misleading and I also want to meet M’s father to know why she stopped schooling. If M goes back to school, she has three more years to prepare for SPM and I’m sure if she makes the best out of her second chance, she might just have a different kind of future.
Happy New Year! I hope you are not as discouraged as I am.

Oh by the way, taboo phrases in my life for the new year are ‘have to play by ear’. ?“For goodness sake, why can’t people decide? I have a life to live and my time is precious. I cannot be flexible on things that involve others and requires commitment. My time is not to be spent with you only for I do have other people in my life too. I think flexibility is sometimes being misused as an option for non-commitment.