Saturday, September 15, 2012

Silence does not mean I support, neither does it mean I disagree. It sometimes actually mean I am considering the consequences should I express my thoughts. It's been a hectic week for me. I worked for the whole of last week and had some commitments over the weekend. This week, though I worked 3 days only, I felt exhausted. I've been attending baking classes and tried some baking at home too. Besides baking, I've also committed myself to the gym. I have spend some money on the membership and I am determined not to waste my hard earned money by missing gym. Hence the reason why I've been exhausted.

I'm in my 30's. It is supposed to be the prime time of my life. It is the time where most people would move to an upper level at work. To be stable in their life. To be settled down with their family. To own their dream car and own a property...etc...etc.  But for me, I have only achieved I think less than 50 per cent of what I mentioned. At 30, I am still searching. But the journey is not as easy as those in their 20's because I have many commitments in mind. I have to think of my family in every thing that I consider and that includes my actions.

For example, even if I hate my job (I have to say that's not really true), I cannot just quit because I need to think of the well being of my family. My family's well being covers the finances as well as my emotions when I come home from work. If I'm pressured at work, I will certainly bring it home to my family. But things are different if I am not married. I don't think I will prioritise this factor if I want to switch my job. At 30, I am also a mother and a wife. I need to carry myself well so that I do not embarrass my family and be a good example to my son. (This is really not easy). As a mother and wife, I also need to ensure that my family is well taken care of. I must ensure that my son is in good hands when I go to work. I must ensure that his care giver's well being is taken care of so that she can look after my son well. I need to ensure that my family's meals and needs are looked into. If I serve them with hawker's food every day, they will loose their fitness and easily fall ill. My current job is not a regular nine to five job. The odd working hours has its pros and cons. With my family in mind. I am constantly adjusting my working hours so that I can give more to my family. To find time to spend with them and to maximize of free time doing things that would benefit my family. I am still new at all this and I am struggling to cope with managing my 30's lifestyle.

It is indeed not easy to be an adult.It comes with responsibilities and for every single thing that I do, I must think of the consequences. People are not that forgiving to a 30 year old who utters the wrong word because maturity is expected to come from you.While I am writing this, it suddenly came to my senses to wonder, at 30, am I living a life for myself or am I living a life for others? It sounds like I am whining, but I am honestly sharing what I am feeling right now. And I am sharing this, to create the awareness that the life of those whom we see on the streets are not necessarily as rosy as what we think it is.
It is almost 12 midnight and Gregory is asleep. Oh what a bliss. Each time I look at him sleep, the feelings in my heart are priceless. I cannot describe how it feels but I know it is worth more than a million. My little boy is 8 months now and he is becoming more and more like a human. His emotions are becoming more and more visible these days and he is getting pretty good at expressing it. Every morning, he wakes up with a cry but the very moment you switch on the lights, he will blink his eyes, rub them and then greet you with the cutest smile, exposing his two front teeth. As you walk towards him, he will giggle and shriek with joy.

He is a pretty strong boy now and he can stand (being supported) for a long time and can crawl pretty fast too. He is friends with Brandy our dog and sometimes they sit side by side. If Brandy suddenly barks, you can see Gregory shake in shock and suddenly cry in fear. Though I know Gregory does not like it, but this scenario (which rarely happens can be really funny to watch). Gregory has his breakfasts in the garden every morning with grandma and he enjoys looking at all the activities outside. Among the people he meets in the morning is the Kakak next door. She will call out 'boy, boy" and he will pretend to peek at her and smile in delight and Kakak will respond with "boy,boy pandai gurau ya".

At 8 months, he knows how to show his likes and dislikes. Of course, he dislikes being left alone and he would whine each time we put him in the play pen and walk away. He loves to crawl around the house (who would not love the freedom?) and loves music and loves to touch and fiddle with whatever he can reach. But his first and ultimate love is his pacifier which we are trying to stop him from using. He is observant and knows where we hide it and he will crawl towards the pacifier. He will push himself up, stretch to reach the top of the TV cabinet and pick the pacifier before pushing it into his mouth. It is annoying but cute to watch.

At 8 months, Gregory is really fun to play with. Now, this is something positive about being in my 30's. I have a son whom I love so much.