What is fascinating about weddings is that it only happens once in your life and there is no practice or second chance in making it great. Despite all the preparation that is done, the outcome sometimes can be most unexpected.



I have to admit that I screwed up a little here and there prior and during the wedding and thus the wedding became less perfect and there are some things that I wished I had done during the wedding in order to make it perfect. Yet, despite the little faults that happened during the wedding, I have to admit and say that I was a happy bride and I could not ask others for more in order to make our wedding day special.



I am truly touched by the efforts made by many people. I thank my sisters for giving all they can give, I thank my friends for travelling the distance and providing all sorts of assistance, I thank all friends and also friends of my family, not forgetting relatives for contributing their time, generous 'Ang Pows' and for coming. I understood well that I was loved by many on my wedding day and I really do not know how to show my sincere appreciation to each and everyone of them. My maid of honor was the best MC I could ever ask for at my wedding dinner and so were the friends who sang at the dinner. Indeed we are a blessed couple and I pray that we can be life giving to others like how many of you were to us at our wedding.

Love
Leslie and Jenn

It's been 24 days since I became Mrs. Than and it feels good to be married. Things between the two of us have been smooth so far and to be honest, I did not expect it to be this great. Somehow, life after marriage seems to be even better than how it used to be before the wedding. What lies ahead is surely going to be interesting and I pray that we will always find joy in this marriage.

Am I trying to make a comeback? I'm not too sure. I find the comment by anonymous interesting. I wonder what he / she meant about the newer post being better because I hardly spent time on the things I wrote lately due to many reasons.

It's 6 days before my wedding and I'm not in my highest spirit. Too many things are happening. The wedding is not perfect and I do not expect it to be. I just hope things will run smoothly as planned and nobody does anything silly to ruin the celebration. Honestly, my major concern now is not on the wedding but more on what is happening at home. Dad's condition worsened lately and he is now bed bound. He cannot chew his food anymore and yesterday, my sister who is a nurse inserted the tube through his nose so that we could feed him using the tube.

A few month's ago, a nurse gave me a nose swap to check for H1N1 and it was a very painful experience for me. It was so painful that I got angry at the nurse for inflicting so much pain. Dad's tube insertion yesterday was worse than what I experienced. His tube was 10 times longer than the long cotton bud that the nurse put into my nose and my sister had to make sure that it reached dad's stomach and not the lungs so she actually had to take it in and out of him a few times. The tube remains in dad and I can imagine the discomfort that he is experiencing.

Dad now lies in the living room as it is more conducive for his condition while mum is not caring for her own well-being. I cannot understand her actions of late and this whole situation is giving me and my sisters stress.

It is 6 days to our wedding. The common question that people greet me with is 'Your wedding is drawing near, how do you feel'? Honestly, I am anxious yet am not at peace. Pray for us.

My student: Teacher, I had stomach edge (ache) yesterday, I went to the doctor but I did not know how to explain the pain. So I told her that my shit cannot come out. Can or not teacher? Right or not ah?

Myself: You mean constipation? You feel like you need to pass motion but it won't come out?

My student: Teacher, what is pass motion? I want to pangsai then my shit cannot come out, like that lo....

Myself: It is called constipation.



Next Class
Student: Teacher, I saw your body errr.....wah very sexy lo....
Myself: ??????I don't get what you mean.
Student: Yesterday I went to watch Jennifer's body. I like it so much teacher....
Myself: Owh, ok but that is not MY body, so how can you say you saw MY body?
Student: TEACHER WHY YOU WEAR SLIPPER TO CLASS!????
Myself: Speechless...
(Due to the leg pain I've been wearing socks and slippers in the staff room and I forgot to change) I got to go up and take my things.
Student: Take your time ah....we will wait for you ohhhh......


Sometimes, a little humor is needed to make life interesting. Have a nice day!

Since the wedding is drawing near, I decided to inform some friends ahead of time so that they would be able to block the dates and make it for the wedding. My heart broke when I read this reply from a friend.

"Hi, congratulations to you! I'm not sure if I can make it because I'm now looking after my mom. She met with an accident last December"

That message surprised me. I did not know that her mom had an accident and was actually bedridden. She can't talk or eat. Suddenly I felt grateful that despite the aches and pains that I have on my body, at least I am still able to do many things and still enjoy life despite the pain.

My concern is now real. I received my blood test result today and it is RHEUMATOID FACTOR POSITIVE. I have been referred to see a specialist. I'm upset. I remember Auntie Samson and I have always felt sad for her. For so many years, her husband and children had to lift her from the car and sit her near the church entrance because of Arthritis.
I'm not even married yet and I already have it. Why? I just cannot comprehend. Is this a wake up call for me to do the things I have failed to do all these years? That I should not take my life for granted anymore?

It's not gout! My blood tests results are out and my health condition is clean. So what's the problem? I really have no clue. 'Yau Kwai' told me that it could be because I lack certain nutrients in my body. I still have the joint pains. The medical officer gave me some vitamins and told me to see him again in 1 week if the pain is still there.....anyway, I'm glad it is not gout yet at the same time I hope it's not something worst.

Our newspaper man lost his home early this week when bulldozers came to clear Kampung Buah Pala. It is actually hard to believe that Kampung Buah Pala will never be what it used to be again. In fact, I wonder if Jalan Kaki Bukit too will still be there in years to come. Bukit Glugor will be different with that village gone.

Jalan Kaki Bukit is the steepest road in Bukit Glugor, it is almost impossible to cycle up the road as it is too steep. I always had a sense of achievement each time I successfully cycled up to the top of the road without having to push my bicycle. Going up and down that hill was like an adventure itself. It was dangerous yet thrilling. I will never ever be able to do that again because Jalan Kaki Bukit has been sealed by the developer who will soon build Oasis- Condominiums on that piece of land. I'm going to miss the cows and goats that moo as they pass by my house and the smell of their dungs too. Dogs in our area will not have dungs to roll onto and cows to bark at anymore.

It is so sad to see the change take place in our housing area IN THE NAME OF DEVELOPMENT. For who is the development for? I really wonder. How could that piece of land be sold when there were so many families dwelling in it? Machines are going to come in. Our roads are going to be damaged, there's going to be pollution in the air in our once peaceful little housing area of Bukit Glugor.......

Being the youngest in the family, I never had anyone younger in my family to care for. Therefore I sometimes treated my younger friends like brothers / sisters. Understanding a student's way of life, prompted me to spend on these friends whenever I felt I should. Some learnt to give in return in their very own way. "Yau Kwai" was one of those who often gave in return.

I call her "Yau Kwai" because that was what she used to address herself when talking to me. She was different from the rest. She had a lot to give and was often generous at least to me. I liked her, I was fond of her. To me, she was like a little sister. Automatically, I played the protective role in our friendship even though I did not have to and sometimes I go overboard, advising her when she did not need to be advised.

This weekend, she came over to spend a day with me. We had meals together and she paid for my meal for the very first time. Her reason was that she had received her paycheck and she wanted to give a treat. Today, 'Yau Kwai' is no more a student. She has graduated and is a government officer. In fact, she is earning more than I am. After she left, I realized that I should stop treating like a student. I should stop my protective behavior and respect her as an adult. It's going to take me a while to make that change but I should.

I'm done marking! I am so glad that I'm through with it.The past 8 days were terrible. I was tempted to fail many of them but at the same time I knew that making them repeat the paper would not help them to improve their English either. The results proved that we the educators were not miracle workers and that the fourteen weeks we had with them was not enough.

As I marked the written work, I noticed that students were very much alike in their thoughts. The storyline of their essays were very predictable. Where did they get their ideas from? The sample essays sold in the market? I understand that many have poor command in their language but I am disturbed that many of them lacked in ideas. They did not have logical reasoning in their points for essay.

I remembered myself sharing with my students on our Deputy Prime Minister- Tan Sri Dato' Haji Muhyiddin bin Mohd. Yassin once and my students asked me who was that. Surprised by that question I asked my students from other classes if they knew who this man was and only a handful of them told me that he is the Deputy Prime Minister. How could tertiary students not know who their Deputy Prime Minister was? In fact, what do they actually know?

I'm disturbed by it and at the same time keen to create some awareness within them....where do I begin?.....how to make them think and at the same time enjoy it?

I've been having massive pain on both my feet and sometimes my fingers. I believe the injury on both my hands and feet are similar yet I feel the pain more on my feet because I stand on my feet and my whole body weight is on it.

The pain irritates me as I have difficulty wearing shoes.I can hardly try on a new pair of shoes due to the pain. I can't walk fast and even struggle as I walk down the staircase. My movements are restricted and I am frustrated.

Today, I finally found time to go to the government hospital for a check up. The medical officer suspected that I have Gout and has requested that I go for a blood test.

How can I not be worried? I'm not yet even thirty, not yet even married, I don't even have any children yet and I have a great life ahead of me to enjoy and cherish. I can't afford to be mentally unfit. I still want my legs to carry me wherever i go. To be able to run, jump, walk and dance whenever I feel like it. I still want to cook and not feel any pain as I do the things I enjoy.

After spending so much time on the photo session it was natural that we felt anxious over the outcome. We headed to 'Blissful' again the following day to have a look at the outcome as well as to select the 20 photos for the album. It was a difficult task.

The photos turned out to be not too bad but we did not look perfect all the time. I was not fully pleased with the outdoor shots. I firmly believe that the photos could have been better if Chris and Ah Khoon had done more. Perhaps outdoor photo shoot is just not Ah Khoon's cup of tea as the studio shots looked so much better than the outdoor shots. I liked a few shots but sadly we could not have all the shots we really liked as we could only choose 20 pictures and we had to fulfill certain criteria. It was really painful to press the delete button sometimes but I guess we had to do it or else we would have to pay more.

So......our photo shoot is settled. Now we have to wait for the final outcome. Meanwhile, it's time to worry about the other matters, to continue planning for the wedding.

It has been a wet week. I had almost given up hope that there was going to be any sunshine on Saturday. I was however wrong. God was kind enough to actually give us some sunshine, enough for us to have a few outdoor photo shots.

Leslie and I arrived at 'Blissful' at 9am. We were the first to reach. In fact, the bridal house was not yet even open. Mei Ling the make up artist greeted us and briefed us about the whole process of the photo shoot. We had a little discussion prior to that so that she would understand our style and liking. After the discussion, we were brought to the make up room where we were transformed. I actually did not really like what I saw but I believed Mei Ling knew best on what was suitable for me and at 10.30 a.m, the first setback took place when Mei Ling brought in a gown for me to change into. My gown which was the first out of five was not altered as promised and it did not fit me perfectly. The tailor had to make last minute modification on my dress and obviously, the last minute work on the gown was not perfect.

Nevertheless, we left for Botanical Gardens at 11 a.m for the first photo shoot. We had requested to have our photos taken by the beach but Ah Khoon our photographer said that the beach was not the best place due to the weather, the sky was not blue enough for a nice scenery. It was probably a blessing in disguise as Ah Khoon brought us to the seaside after that. Therefore we had more variety for our outdoor background instead of only one as stated in our package.

We knew that photo sessions would be taxing but we never expected it to be so time consuming. At 1pm, we were only done with our first gown and we had four more to go. I got my second shock at 1 p.m too. The second gown that Mei Ling brought in was not what I chose! I began to feel slightly irritated. How could they make such a big mistake? It was ridiculous for a professional bridal shop to make such a blunder. Fortunately, Mei Ling was quick in finding a solution. Damage was already done yet the make up artist and the photographer did their best to make the best out of what was lacking.

The photo session finally ended at 7p.m. We were exhausted but happy despite the setbacks. Thanks to Ah Khoon the photographer, Chris and Mei Ling the make up artists, I would say we did enjoy ourselves. There were lots of laughter together with a lot of first time experiences. During the photo shoot, I was bitten by ants and Leslie stepped on my fingers, I screamed in pain and and had tears rolling down my cheeks thanks to those fake eyelashes yet I would say it was an enjoyable experience and I have to admit that the session brought both Leslie and myself even closer. I had never looked into his eyes so many times in my whole entire life!

If one can afford it, I think the bridal photo shoot is definitely worth the experience. We actually opted for the cheaper package with only one album and I think that is good enough. Bridal photo shoots should be fun and exciting. I feel it should not be overly done to the extend of tiring oneself.

I have lost a piece of document which is very important. I cannot imagine if it fell into the wrong hands. The damage will not be 'that' bad but it would not be nice for others to see as the content is confidential. I'm disturbed that I can't find it and my emotion is printed on my face. I don't look happy but what can I do? I do not know where to search anymore. I've gone through all the possible places.....sigh...is all I can say.

I felt exhausted today. It was a feeling of being 'fed up'. I felt angry yet I knew that I should not be. Those who attended the classes were good students and I should not reveal my unhappiness to them after all they did nothing to make me unhappy. It would unfair for me to be emotional just because I was upset with those who were often absent and failed to submit their assignments.

I am trying to control my temper. It is indeed a challenge. Sometimes I ask myself why should I allow those students to affect me when there are so many students out there whom I should pay attention to. Perhaps I'm doing it wrong.

I spent today with mum. I picked her up from the nursing home early in the morning and we left for mass. It was just the two of us because dad vomitted and it was better for him to remain home. It was actually my first time attending mass with mommy alone. It actually felt nice though it was a little bit troublesome as mum was a little slow in her movements as she is learning to walk again after being sick for so long.

We went home and I prepared lunch while both mum and dad waited to be served. Mum was glad to be home. She had looked forward to this day ever since I suggested to her that we should go to mass together last Wednesday. She disliked the nursing home but we had no choice as I had to work while dad had already gotten Sokha's hands full and she was not capable of caring for two old folks alone at home. Mum has been counting the days for her two months stay at the nursing home to end. She craves for home and I try my best to bring her home whenever I'm not working. So I guess today was indeed a rewarding day for mum and I'm glad to have made her happy.

Ever since I moved home, I feel as though my bonding with my mother has strengthened. I tend to think of her more often and as well as wonder about her feelings and thoughts. I cannot detect what changed my feelings towards my mom but I'm glad it is happening.

I used to envy friends who did not have to care for their parents and were able live their dreams and do whatever they wanted because they did not have such responsibilities. However, i feel differently now. I do still feel frustrated at times that I have to consider about my parent's needs each time I plan to make a major decision but at the same time, I am also grateful that I still have them in my life, to be able to be still experience their presence and company. To watch them grow old and care for them. It is not easy but I thank God for the opportunity.

I had been having pain on my fingers and feet for a few months already. Last month, I told the doctor at GH about it and she said if I continued to have fever with the pain, I should go to the hospital and get a check up because it could be a sign of arthritis. That got me worried because I know how is it like for one to have arthritis and I really do not want to have it before I even turn 30. Thank goodness, the fever left, however the pain of both my fingers and feet remained. Today, I went to the Chinese Physician, curious to know what he had to say. He read my pulse and told me that I am rather weak.

You have not been sleeping enough -I guess so
You are always sleepy during the day - very true
You eyes are dull - true, I've always wondered if it was because I did not use any eye care product
Have you been walking too much? -Yes I do walk, in fact I stand a lot because I teach but then again, why is it that my fingers ache too?
Ah so, your occupation contributes to the aches, you write and stand, that is why.

Honestly, I was satisfied with his reasoning. It was very logical.

I am going to give you some herbs, can you boil them using the clay pot? I prefer you to use that method. I will also add in some herbs to help you sleep better. Don't worry, it's not like those 'sleeping pills' you don't have insomnia, you just need more rest and there's too much 'wind' (toxic I assume) in your body.

So what's your name? (He wanted to fill in my details on the computer) -Jennifer Vaz
How is that written in Mandarin? -So I wrote it for him
Ah? I did not know there's such a surname, which part of China are your ancestors from? - Oh, I'm not Chinese.
So sorry, you are easily one, you seem so Chinese. -thank you, I'll take that as a compliment.

So that was my visit to the 'Sin Seh' It was pleasant and I hope he was right in all that he said. It's been ages since I felt revitalized. I really miss that feeling.

I gave up an opportunity to earn extra yesterday. I thought for a while before telling my supervisor that I was willing to give up three hours of my overtime to a new lecturer. It was a painful decision as I really could do with some extra money and I was so tempted to push myself to work extra hours despite the awareness that I would not perform well in class anymore due to the workload.

I wondered if I was a fool to let go of the money. I wondered if my reason of letting go was because I was just too lazy to work a little harder. But then again, what kind of life would I be living if I pursued on my desires? I won't even have time to spend with anyone, there will be no more social life at all. All my weekends will be used to mark assignments and exercises and I might just end up being a moody lecturer. I would not have anytime to bake cakes and cook, neither will I have anytime to prepare for the wedding.

Today, I got my new timetable. I was glad, I now have some space to breathe, I now have time for students who come in for consultation. I now have time to have short conversations with my colleagues, I now have time to prepare for lessons in campus. Oh! How I wish I lived in a world where money is not a necessity!

My little niece had an operation today. Initially when my sister told me that she was going for the surgery, I was cool about it. To me, it was just another surgery, there was nothing extraordinary about it and perhaps I was very much convinced that the surgery would be successful and that everything will be all right.

As the day of the operation drew closer, I started to feel slightly uneasy that my little niece would be operated upon. I felt uneasy with the idea that this little girl will have her body cut. All my life, I had never been operated upon, neither have I ever been stitched before and I would surely be disturbed if I needed to go for any form of surgery, even if it was as minor as having my gum cut to extract my wisdom tooth.

I wonder how is my niece right now. I wonder how did she react when she went into the operation theatre. Was she scared? Did she cry? She is 7 and I am 28. She is brave.

I am feeling LONELY

Sigh.......

I manipulated the situation and got things done my way. I wonder if it happened because I talked too much so much so that the other party became submissive or was it because I was convincing and my idea was good. After the meeting ended, I felt as if I was a bully because there was no opposition at all towards everything I had said. Somebody told me that I made my point very clear and that it was needed because we were almost heading nowhere before the meeting.

Despite being uncomfortable about the whole situation, I'm somehow glad that what I proposed is going to be carried out. Now we need to focus on getting the project done, living up to it's objectives.

Do we know what we are doing?

Why are we such critical people?

Perhaps criticising others boosts our own esteem.

Sometimes I think we are 'syiok sendiri'

Believing that we are doing good when

We are just selfish people who only care about ourselves.

Question my intentions and I discover that

I am noble because it makes me feel good being the noble one

Do I really care about what others feel?

Perhaps not. I just want to look good in their eyes.

It just feels good to show people that

I AM NOBLE, I AM HOLY, I AM A GOOD CATHOLIC

It just excites me to see myself inspiring people

Are my intentions sincere?

-confession of a butt kisser-

I don't know why and how I wrote this.

I was just thinking of

something and of someone when

I suddenly clicked on to type this on my post.

It was done within 5 minutes.

I am leaving it as it is.

Perhaps I will edit it in future, perhaps I will leave it as it is.

For now, I'm just letting it be.

It is purely unedited, not even grammatically corrected.

Hello People!

How's life been? I believe it's been ages since I wrote any post in the blog. There are a few reasons like, I was busy at work (really busy uh), I was not inspired, too lazy and sometimes....THE INTERNET (which is most of the time the main culprit. I get so fed up trying to get online that I end up not posting anything on the blog.

Time flies when there's much to do in life. I'm surprised myself but I do really love working in this college. I can actually imagine myself retiring in this place but of course it won't happen because of marriage. I'm currently on a semester break which does not really seem to be like one at all. There's lots of paper work and lesson plan to work on. I'm also involved in the college orientation therefore I have some extra work to attend to as well to add on, I have a course to attend this coming weekend (which is so not the right time as Leslie's parents will be down to meet my own parents =( )

I had Fiona and Myd visiting me last week on separate days and it was a delight to revisit Penang with them again. As always, I learnt more about my hometown while bringing them around. I discovered a great place to eat nasi briani and fried oysters and some Chinese food. I also discovered some less pleasant things like 'the Air Itam laksa is not living up to it's reputation' and the ' illegal jaga kereta's are increasing despite reports that the state is clearing them off the streets'.

What a week it has been. More exciting things are expected to come.......I hope to watch 'Sell Out' while it is still in the cinemas though.....

I gave my students a two hour test on Friday. It was to prepare them for their finals tomorrow. As I had a bad toothache, I left them to do the test while I took a rest. When I returned to class, I saw a boy doing his test facing the wall. I found it very odd therefore I asked him why he was facing the wall. He did not answer. He just smiled.

Being a naughty lecturer, I grinned and pointed at his friends and I said aloud 'Hah, you guys must have been disturbing him so much so that he had to move away. You have been bullying him haven't you?' The boys who were already smiling all the way laughed loudly and said 'Teacher! He is the noisy one, that's why we asked him to sit there'

I could not help but smile. These fellas are so childlike, at the same time, I still find it hard to believe that the boy obediently moved his seat just because his classmates told him to.

I'm currently teaching a group of students who did not get credit for their SPM English. I meet them for six hours everyday so sometimes I give them activities such as games to make learning fun.

Last week, I did the 'Answer Hunt' game with them. I gave them a list of questions for them to search for the answer. The questions were related to the facilities and people in the college. One of the question was 'Name five people who are in love'. Of which I expected them to ask among their classmates for the answer for many of them were in a relationship. Much to my surprise, my students did not think of asking their classmates this question. They went around campus asking other students ' Are you in love?'

I was amused when i was told what they did. Having taught in this campus for almost a year, I've never had students who had such guts to actually approach strangers, what more to ask them if they were in love and my students just did it. To add on, the respondents responded positively towards these students, many smiled and laughed when asked if they were in love.

I'm actually very satisfied with the result of the game. I saw them gain confidence in themselves while learning and having fun. The only complain I got was ' Haiyo teacher, so hot and tiring lah'

I am taxable! Another sign of adulthood. and that I have responsibilities.
Some months ago, I announced that I was seriously considering to pursue in my masters. I found myself a supervisor and got all excited about it. It was the first time I gave some serious thought to pursuing my masters and perhaps that thought came too sudden so much so that I jumped on the wagon without analyzing much. It was a mistake. I found myself struggling to come out with a proposal. My supervisor’s interest was slightly different from mine and I could not understand the system and techniques. I struggled for two months. It was not hell but my mind was not at peace. Each time I thought of Dr. G and the proposal, my spirits would go down. Yes, I was not motivated and I dread his calls. I asked myself why the proposal was so difficult to do and I could not really answer the question.
One day, while reading some journals, I accidentally read articles that were related to the language but of a different area of focus. I could easily click and comprehend with the topic. At that point, I realized that I had chosen the wrong topic and perhaps the wrong supervisor and after putting much thought to it, I decided to tell my supervisor the truth. I’m so happy that he received my reasons well.
I feel so relieved at the moment, the burden has been taken off my shoulders, I’m not haunted by the sense of guilt and I do not have to do something that I do not enjoy anymore. I am still working on doing my masters with a different supervisor but I have learnt my lesson. I’m going to think before I jump on any opportunity that comes along the way and make wiser decisions. I have yet to approach anyone but I am not afraid anymore. Somehow, I thank God for letting meet Dr. G.

Lies and the net

BUZZ!!(Friend's name): Tony and Linda just told me to try these red tablets I saw at their place, Acai berry. They get them for $5 and they swear they lost weight, 23 pounds in two weeks. Anyways, I seen them both and wow they lost a lot of weight it really shows. http://darkclap.com

This is a message I received from a friend on my Yahoo Messenger. It is not the first time I got such a message and I know my friend would not send me such a message. When I checked with the supposed sender, she apparently knew nothing about it. I have therefore come to a conclusion that the YM system is not safe (actually all of us are aware that it is not safe) and there is a need to clarify with friends should their messages sound odd and unfamiliar. Someone is using our identity to send messages that may not be pleasant to the people on our lists and yet we are not aware of it. I am posting this note just in case some of you are not aware of such situations whereby people use others to spread lies on the internet.

I took a facebook True age test today. The initial result stated that I am 13 years old. I refused to believe it so I took the test again and the result stated that I am 19 years old. I accepted the second result.

Of late, I've been in deep thoughts again. I am indecisive. I cannot decide how / where do I want to see myself when I am 35 years old. Everything seems possible. I am having second thoughts about my postgraduate studies as I am not sure if that is really the thing I really want to do. I notice that I am not passionate about it. My excitement was short lived and I cannot foresee myself going far in the research. I do not like the idea that I'm not excited about the postgraduate studies as it causes me to have little respect for myself. Thoughts of -why others can do it but you can't? Yes Jennifer, you are lazy. Why can't you be as determined as other people? Jenn, you are just plain lazy, you and your tidak apa attitude - floods my mind. I see people around me getting their masters while I am still a common and ordinary degree holder. I do not like that feeling. I feel useless and hopeless. Yet each time I try to read up something that is related to the research, I tend to loose interest. And this is just the initial stage. I am only working for a proposal, I have not even started with the real research and I'm already having discouraging emotions.

Yes, I am thinking of telling my potential supervisor that I am reconsidering the programme. I do not know how to tell him as it's going to cause a negative mark on my reputation -Oh, Jennifer, I remember her! She gave up without even putting in much effort. Maybe I am thinking too much.

I continue to dream. I am dreaming of what I am going to be in time to come. I know my strengths and I think I am pretty sure of my weakness. How can I maximize my strengths without facing my weakness? I really don't know.........

Maybe the first result is right, probably, I have the mind of a thirteen year old. Immatured....

Recently, something happened. I had a slight misunderstanding with a friend. Actually, I don't even know if there was a misunderstanding at all. It's just that our relationship turned cold after an incident. I asked myself if I did the wrong thing and I asked her too if she was offended by my actions. She did not answer my question and that left the misunderstanding unsolved. It is actually not the first time such silence happened between the both of us. Every time such incidents happen, my heart aches. Why? Firstly it's because I (think) have hurt my friend's feelings (although I don't know what I did wrong) and secondly, the cold shoulder that I get hurts me. It is easier to cope with the first problem and it is more difficult to handle the second problem because the second problem makes me feel as if my friend does not love me anymore and that definitely cuts me deep.

So for now, each time I think of this friend, some sense of joy is taken off me. I do not dislike or hate this friend but I do feel hurt whenever I think of her. I just cannot smile when I see her photos or gifts because it reminds me of the unsolved misunderstanding.

Dogs! It's interesting how they leave impact in your life. Brandy has been with us for half a year now and I believe adopting her was one of the best decisions I ever made. She is cute, naughty and loving and has been a good companion to everyone at home, even Sokha.

Yesterday, in order to allow the grass cutter to do his job, we had to chain Brandy up and Sokha chained her near to the neighbour's fence. Few minutes after that, we were shocked to find Brandy on the other side of the fence. Apparently, she squeezed her way into the neighbors garden and stood there looking confused. She liked where she was but I smelled trouble coming as our neighbor had three dogs of whom Brandy loved barking at. I tried to pull Brandy back to our side of the fence but she wouldn't cooperate. My fears came true when the neighbor's dogs realized that Brandy was in their garden. They seized the opportunity and attacked poor Brandy with no mercy. My felt hopeless, my dog was being bitten by three dogs right in front of me and I could not do anything. My neighbor was not home. Sokha took the stick and hit the neighbor's dogs but it was useless, I ran and searched all over for the right weapon, I wanted to get the aerosol but could not find any, finally, I found enough water to splash at the dogs and they let poor Brandy go.

Brandy is still a pup yet she was brave, she did not whine but we all knew she was in pain. She had facial injury and blood dripped down her face. I was grateful for it could have been worst. Eventually, I had to cut the fence to bring her back. I could not risk leaving her there. Brandy is still in pain. Not a single whine came from her.

(The dogs that bit Brandy)

I get shivers up my spine when men call me ‘Jenny / Jenni ’. I don’t know how to explain it but it just feels weird. It’s like I have a name- Jennifer and in short it’s Jenn. Why do men need to add on the ‘ny’ after the ‘Jenn ’? I don’t mind men who watched me grow up (in other words uncles) call me Jenny but I find it odd having peers or strangers calling me that. Oh well….that’s just some thoughts that came up to my mind after an encounter with a man this morning.
Anyway, yesterday, I went hiking at Bukit Jambul. What made the trip special was to have an old friend joining me. She was the ‘Angel’ on the bike who introduced me to CSS. If it had not been for her, I might not have been active in CSS and might not have even known Leslie. So indirectly, she is someone who made a major change in my life.
It was nice to have met her again after two years, to just chat and share about life. I had fun yesterday even though it was just a simple hike. Penang is special in this sense. I don’t have to meet up with friends in shopping complexes or restaurants. There are so many nice places to go to with nice activities to do with friends and these are the things that help me stay vibrant!
Yes, this is a very messy post I know. My mind is currently disorganized. =)

More than 10 women told me this,

'Jenn, you should start going for facial, you need to look good for your wedding day and also photos'

Yeah I know, I knew this all along. I have had skin issues since I can't remember when. I have imbalance skin tone and color and some parts of my face can be so oily that I look as if I do not clean my face and of course, I'm bothered by it and I envy people with nice skin complexion. Who does not want to look good anyway? I wish I could just use facial cleanser and toner and be done with it but beauticians tell me that 'no, no, that's not enough, you better look after your skin, women must look good one you know, your skin is like this and like that and blah...blah...blah. And after they are done condemning my skin, they will recommend me with bottles of facial products (that's the scariest part) and I would look and them and give them my sweetest smile before they drop the bomb, 'ok, so for your case, this is what I recommend for you lah, you really need these things to repair your skin, all of this cost RM XXX....(which ranges between RM 300 to RM 2000) and after the bomb comes the most difficult part - telling them that I cannot buy their products. Beauticians never understand NO. Sometimes I wonder if they pretend to be naive or they do not understand English. They will push the products down your throat. So, as a result, I fear beauty centres. I have phobia asking for quotations at these centres because I am intimidated by them.

So yesterday, I dropped by at a skincare centre to check out their service. A beautician was trying to convince a customer to use their product. The customer told her 'you know, every part of the body seems to need care, I don't think I have the ability to worry about every part of my body and I think I will just stick to my current package'. Like other beauticians, that girl did not say get it and continued telling the customer to buy the product. The lady got fed up and said 'that's the problem with you people, you just force people to buy and buy, you know very well that the economy is bad enough and not everyone can afford things, why must you force me? Don't you understand NO? I don't print money at home ok! Wow, that left everyone in shock, I wish I had the guts of that lady.

Oh by the way, the beautician who attended to me told me that I needed a RM 3500 package for my facial care. Gosh! There are cheap beauty centres around but sometimes I'm skeptical. I am not sure of the products they use. I don't want to pay RM 60 per session and have banned China products being used on my skin......and this is why Jenn until today has yet to go for any facial treatments.

Who drives a big car?
I have many things in my head these days. There's work, masters (which I have not really done much work on), marriage....and the list goes on. Almost all the things I mentioned above are the things I did not really pay much attention to in the past but are now of importance to me. As a result, I tend to show more interest in these matters.

And so, one of the thoughts that happen to linger in my head is the 'Wedding Car'. Yes, I know, of all the things.....so of late, I've been asking myself what kind of bridal car would I want to travel in. Of course, the ideal is that my own car be the bridal car, but then again, WCN has lost its shine and is not a suitable car to use. As a result, I tend to look at the cars that travel on the road. I tend to look at friends' cars and wonder if they could be used as a bridal car. After a while, I realized that - most of my friends do not spend on cars! (which is not a bad thing actually). I could not really think of a friend that drives a luxurious car. Everyone seems to be loyal to the local industry that produces smaller vehicles. I actually do not know of anyone who has a car which is big enough to be the bridal car. Well, it is not an issue actually. If there's no big cars, small cars can be used too, no big deal.

I still practice the habit of observing luxurious cars and it's drivers and I discovered an interesting fact. The expensive imported vehicles that are parked in the college actually belongs to the STUDENTS while the kancils, kelisas, myvis, kenari, savy and old toyotas belong to the lecturers and other staffs.....hmmmm.....interesting.....there are many things in life that I cannot comprehend......but honestly speaking, it's not a big deal to me.

Why the sudden silence?

I am preparing for marriage, yes I have gone for the weekend for the engaged and we are working towards marriage. Why the sudden silence in my blog? It is not because life is dull and uninteresting. it is just that my present thoughts are not appropriate to be made public. I still continue to think alot, I often do reflections but they are so personal that I don't think it's fair for me to write it down for others to read. I would not be doing justice to my other half. Therefore, my apologies for the long silence

Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate. This post was taken from an email and I thought I'd share it with you....

A Message by George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete... Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.Live a pleasing life to God. - George Carlin

Honestly, I never knew who George Carlin was. The message just so happen to express what I felt after reading an sms that dissapointed me so much.

It was a fruitful trip. I am surprised myself by how much I gained from the trip. I achieved almost everything I wanted from the trip and even got myself a bonus or two from it.
Firstly, I managed to meet up with many people within the five days starting from people in the chapel, my ex-boss, XH friends, XH housemates, ex-colleagues, ex-roommate, boyfriend, sister and family etc. I even got to stay over at Dora’s and my sister’s house. Minus the people at the chapel, I met up with at least 20 people and I do consider that as an achievement. Of course, there were many other people whom I wanted to meet but did not have the opportunity to do so due to many reasons.
Besides meeting people, I also got some chores done, I had everything I planned to do done except for closing a bank account which I later opted to keep. Firstly, I was lucky enough to celebrate Iris’s birthday with her. Then I managed to finally open a bank account which took me five years to open (the administration staff tried again to delay the process but since I did my homework, I managed to persuade them to finally open the account for me). I also managed to get my teeth scaled on the final day of my trip. Besides that, I also got to get rid of the cracks on my heels. My feet now looks so different from how it has been for the past many years, it looks lovely in my eyes.
Nothing that I gained from the trip can be shown to people in Penang for all that was gained were matters that are only meaningful to me. Friends in Penang may not be able to understand the goodness of this trip and I have nothing to show off to them, yet I am so happy that I took my leave and made the trip possible. Thank you everyone who contributed in making this trip meaningful.

This is where I work

How I spent February week 1

I’ve been missing in action for some time. What have I been up to? Well…..I think I’ve done lots.
1. Friends from KL visited me. It was delightful to have Lee Fah and Siew Leng visiting me. I must admit that I was not the perfect host this time around but I’m glad that they came and I’m glad that I managed to make the best out of the things and spend some precious moments catching up with them. It is nice to know that despite not meeting them for almost a year, there is still much to talk about.
2. I went to Thaipusam 3 times! I bumped into the celebration while the chariot was making it’s way to the temple. The 2nd time, I purposely took Siew Leng and Lee Fah there at midnight just to watch the Kavadis and the piercing ceremony. The 3rd time, I followed Karamjit and that was the most memorable experience as I helped out at the drinks stall. I helped to serve drinks and food to the devotees, I helped to arrange and decorate their stall, I mingled with the aunties and their children and I enjoyed myself. Of course curiosity came crawling in to my mind from time to time. Sometimes I found the answer, sometimes I did not. Nevertheless, I admire the Hindus for their devotion towards God. Religion indeed is such a beautiful thing.
3. Someone in campus organized a hiking trip to Pantai Kerachut and I joined 20 of my colleagues for the trip. We walked through the National Park and it was like a dream come through experience for I had always wanted to do the walk and I finally did it. It was a very fruitful trip as I got to mingle and know some of my colleagues better for we are usually so busy with our work that we hardly have time to talk and chat.
4. I have a colleague who likes photography, a fellow colleague loaned her an SLR camera and she asked if I could do some shots for her. I did it and the photos turned out surprisingly well. The camera owner encouraged me to pursue on photography and yesterday, we did some photo shooting at three different places. It was interesting to follow a professional photographer around as he did his job. I admit that I have fallen in love with the SLR camera but of course, there’s still much for me to learn. Not everyone of my shots were good.
5. Ok, I might be pursuing my studies. I’ve been meeting a potential supervisor and we have somehow narrowed down to a topic. I have not been working much on my proposal, somehow I neglected it during the holiday season and yes, I am trying to get back to work and get myself registered as a masters student. Why do I want to do my masters? Well, I see it as a necessity, I’m not moving forward at work, I lack in some skills as well as knowledge. I hope that the research will help me to be more focused on what I’m doing.
So…..all the above have made me not spend much time online, thus the reason why this blog has not been updated.

(Some of my shots- click on the pictures to see in detail)

I'm waiting for someone, so I decided to kill time by going to the cyber cafe. It is a big cafe, with more than 100 computers. Business is good. The place is filled with teenagers who are engrossed with their game of Dota. It cost RM 2 for an hour to use the computers and I believe these people have been here long before I came in. The boy next to me can't keep his mouth shut. It is as if he is speaking to the computer. I hear foul languages everywhere.....gosh, I wanna get out of here.

I knew the waterfall road would be congested but I purposely drove into it. My reason? I wanted to see. I like festivals, I am fascinated by cultures. I'm always curious to know why humans believe in certain things. I walked into the Thaipusam celebration yesterday and I was glad to be able to watch how the Penang Indians practiced their faith. I saw how families did their holy walk up to the temple. I was touched by the family unity in those families. It was nice to see siblings holding each other's hands while fathers carried their child in their hands. Barefooted Indians were everywhere. Everyone had their own personal reasons why they were there. I saw the kavadi bearers, I saw those pierced skin and I still continue to wonder how these people are able to put those metal pieces through their skin without getting injured. I'm glad to be in Penang, to be exposed to this unique culture.

The pest

I've found a nice place near my college to have my breakfast. It's a makeshift coffee shop with a lady selling homemade Indian food. I enjoy her roti's with nescafe. Every morning, some men will occupy a table in that shop to have their coffee. They gossip alot and talk about everything that is under the sun. Little did I know that they actually observe me.
One day, after I left, one of them asked the Indian lady what she knew about me. One of his question was if I whether I was married. He asked her if she could dig some of my information for him and she responded by asking him to look at the mirror.
I was not aware about all these things until one day, I went to the shop again with an Indian friend and the lady told my friend what happened and they had a good laugh out of it. I on the other hand did not feel very comfortable with the idea that I was being observed.
This morning, I went to the coffee shop again for my breakfast and upon my arrival, that man found his guts and tried to capture my attention by announcing my arrival to the Indian lady ' nah, you punya customer sudah datang oh, dia selalu datang you kasi dia lebih sikit lah, jangan kedukut lo.'
Girls like compliments but it has to come from the right persons. Or else, it becomes a ................I'll end it here.

Another student was caught cheating again, this time not by me. It was Ms. W, who caught the girl. Ms W is well known for her ability to catch Miss and Mister Sneaky Eyes and Sneaky Hands during exams. What will happen to this girl? She will be expelled from college if the disciplinary board finds her guilty.

I caught a student cheating once. I felt bad when I caught him for I knew he might be expelled from the school. Although I felt bad, I had to be fair. What he did was not right and I could not close my eyes and pretended that it never happened. I'm just grateful that I never taught him or else I would have really felt terrible for sending my own student for expulsion. To be more precise, heartbroken.

There was an empty table in the examination hall this morning, a table that was suppose to belong to a boy who was killed in a car accident a few days ago. He was not a high profile student. He was inactive in class but was not a problematic student. He was killed while travelling back to Penang from his hometown, his friend was driving and he was the passenger. His friend survived but the student's head was nearly severed off and he died instantly. No witness could really describe the whole accident as his friend is still in a state of shock.

Everyday at school is a new day, sometimes the happenings can be shocking. Welcome to reality Jennifer!

There are some things in life that we need to let go of if we want to move on with life. But then again, what are the things we should let go of and what are the things we should never let go of? I’m often confused when I need to decide on this matter. Sometimes I wonder if letting go of things that are of value to us for the sake of another person is an act of love or pure stupidity.
I wonder what religious people went through when they decided to serve God and His people. How did they feel about leaving their career and families when they chose to live a consecrated life? Did they not care for their parents? Did they not worry about their aging parents? If I ever decide to put my priorities over other people’s needs, am I being selfish?
Another disturbing thought in Jenn’s head.

I’ll be 30 soon. Not this year but soon enough. Yet, I am not able to see a stable future coming my way yet. I have a vision of what it may be like but I’m not sure if it is the ideal choice. It is easy to dream and to have ideals but it is definitely tough when it’s time to make decisions that will create impacts in our lives. There are many decisions for me to make this year and I am so afraid that I’ll make the wrong moves. I’m afraid of making decisions that I might regret.
Perhaps I am so afraid because I have little faith in myself. I fear that I am not going to be able to stand on my own if promises and assurances that have been made to me fail to be like how it is suppose to be. Someone asked me why did I have so little faith in my own capability and that question struck me to realize that I was not confident of myself. Maybe I have not tried hard and worked hard enough so much so that I see myself lacking in the many things that others have. At the moment, I feel stranded. I have so much to work on and I do not know where to start.
Maybe my problem is that I focus too much of the ’I’ and have forgotten to put ’Him’ into the picture from time to time. It is definitely way easier to be a motivator to others.

It is a culture among the Chinese to burn fire crackers as they usher in the Lunar New Year. They burn the fire crackers to remind them of their ancestor’s victory over the ‘nian’, a creature that brought much fear and disrupted the peace of the Chinese once upon a time. Another reason why the Chinese burned the fire crackers is to cast away evil spirits and bad luck from entering their lives for the coming year.
Despite the fact that the burning of the fire crackers is illegal in our country, many still practice this culture. Some practice it for cultural and superstitious reasons while others practice it just for fun. As in merely to join in the crowd and to make the festival merrier.
I’ve grown up listening to the sound of the fire crackers and to be honest, the atmosphere of Chinese New Year would definitely be different without the fire crackers. I have gotten used to it so much so that I’m immune to the sound. Tonight the sound of fire crackers filled the air again as the Hokkeins ushered in their version of the new year. The dogs in every house are nowhere to be seen. Most of them like Brandy are hiding somewhere in the house, under some furniture or vehicle, seeking refuge from the frightening sound let off by the fire works. As I continued to watch the TV, Sokha wakes up from her sleep. She looked worried, confused and scared. Initially I was amused and thought she was being silly. Then, I remembered where Sokha came from - a country where solders and firearms were aplenty.
Some thoughts related to culture came into my head after that but I shall reserve my thoughts for now.

This is what I do to pass my time whenever I'm free. Every morning, I will walk into my garden to appreciate what has been grown. It's really nice to see these plants grow. I'm currently very excited about the bitter gourd. It's really fascinating to see it grow each day. Next to the gourd is the vegetable the chinese call 'wang ti chai' I don't know what you call it in English. It is delicious when cooked with sambal but I prefer to just stir fry it with garlic. Below the 'wang ti chai' is the lady's finger plant. I have more than 10 lady's finger trees in the garden. The lady's finger (okra) is tasty when eaten fresh. Usually in the mornings, I'll pluck 1 from the tree, rinse it with water and eat it straight away. It is crunchy and sweet when eaten raw. Good for the bowels but of course, I would not encourage one to eat raw ladies fingers that are bought from the market as it is not crunchy and fresh anymore, besides, it may have pesticides. The other plant which I love to eat it raw is the 'Oriental Basil'. It's easy to grow and a beautiful plant to have in the garden. It's commonly used in Vietnamese and Thai food. I love to eat it with sambal, like how ulam is eaten. So here's basically a mini introduction to my little vegetable garden. I have other plants too which I might just introduce to you in future. As much as I like vegetables, I have divided my garden to two parts which is the vegetable garden and the garden for flowers. I like to have colors in the garden. At the moment, my garden lacks of flowers, one of the reasons why the flowers are not growing too well is because of Brandy. She has done much damage to my plants. Here's one of the survivors of 'Brandy attack'- the Bunga Raya plant. I actually planted two other types of 'Bunga Raya' but Brandy ate them. I'm determined to grow the Bunga Raya again, for now, I'm working on the Alamanda first.

Teacher, were you once fat? Ms. Loke took me by surprised when she asked that question. I was not offended for I knew she just wanted to solve her curiosity. I answered her by saying yes. She had the guts to ask so I gave her the answer. Ms. Loke is on my ‘interesting students list’. Reason is because she is different from the rest. She is just special and I like her. She makes me smile.
Today, as I was window shopping after a squash game, in my worst attire with my colleagues, I heard ‘TEACHER!’ and then Ms. Loke appeared from nowhere asking me ‘teacher, are you engaged?’ I was surprised by her once again. How on earth did she find out? I doubt any of my colleagues would have been nosy enough to announce it. And then she said, ‘from your blog lah teacher, I read your blog’. I felt like putting a bag over my head when I heard that. She had been reading my blog! Goodness gracious me. But then again, I should expect that to happen shouldn’t I? After all I did not make my blog private and I placed it on the internet. So, will I be making any changes? I guess not for now. I have nothing much to hide although it does not excite me to discover that my blog is being read by my own students.

I’ve been wanting to send Brandy to the vet. She has grown much since I adopted her and it was time to spay her. I was however slow in my actions. Brandy got her heat while I was busy marking the exam papers. I’ve had dogs since young but I’ve not had much knowledge on how to care for dogs. Common sense told me that the heat meant Brandy was no more little and that she could have puppies. The heat now makes her attractive to male dogs. However, common sense did not tell me that male dogs mate bitches while they are on heat and the heat is the mating period for dogs. In other words, if Brandy is to be near to any male dog during this period of time, the possibility of her getting puppies is high.
I consulted the vet and discovered that the heat would last for maybe two weeks and I should make sure that male dogs do not go anywhere near Brandy during this period of time. It is not easy to keep these guys away because pretty Brandy is just too attractive for them to resist and they keep begging for her outside our fence. Gosh, I can’t wait for the heat to be over.
Somehow, it feels different to have a dog in the house and watch it grow. My opinion towards the dog is so different compared to my thoughts when I was a kid. Even my concerns are different. Some people describe Brandy as my daughter but to me, she is a little puppy who makes my days brighter. She is cute, adorable, funny but naughty. She amuses me everyday. A good therapy indeed for a moody person like me. I love my naughty Brandy.

Yesterday, while finalizing the marks, I lost control of my stress. Suddenly, I felt like going crazy. I almost went nuts without knowing the exact reason. I stopped my work and went to take a bath. I took the body scrub which Sheau Yuen gave me and gave myself a good scrub. Bet when Sheau Yuen gave me the body scrub, she never imagined it to provide me with such a great feeling. It felt heavenly. I felt as if I did not want to leave the bathroom. Never in my life had I felt so good while taking a bath.
I love my job. It is not too bad but marking makes me sick. It makes us want to quit our job. It’s such a stressful task to mark within such a short period of time with responsibility. I’m glad everything is over. My mind is finally at peace once again. I can now dance to the rhythm that nature makes. I hear birds singing once again.

I’ve been marking exam questions for 8 days. It was indeed a horrible experience. The paper was easy. It was a bonus paper for those who were competent in the language, yet, many students failed to answer it well. Marking the papers gave me much stress and really tested on my emotions. Firstly, I had a deadline to meet. I had to mark approximately 170 over scripts within 7 days. Every script consist of 9 comprehension questions, a formal letter, a cloze passage and an essay.
Secondly, I was disappointed to see the kind of mistakes the students still made despite being thought over and over again in class by their teachers over certain matters. The teachers who thought those students were more experienced than I was and yet, some failed to do well. I wondered how did my own students fared. I wondered if they failed to satisfy their examiners too. If they had, then perhaps I as their teacher had failed. I was anxious about their performance and at the same time wished I had done much more as their teacher during the semester. Nevertheless, I learnt a thing or two from the marking. I gained some new ideas on how to improve my teaching next semester.

It's the exam season and I am just as anxious as the students. I want to know how did they fare in my paper. If they did well, then i have done my job. If they fail, then I have failed as their teacher. I am anxious to know how MH will do in her resit paper on Monday. I can't wait to see what have we accomplished in these two weeks.

Hell is going to break loose tomorrow. The final exam begins and I have 200 papers to mark. Every set of paper will have a comprehension, an essay, a cloze passage and a formal letter. I don’t like exams because marking exam papers is a very troublesome matter. Seriousness and concentration is required as those papers are being marked and we are only given around 9 days to complete the task.
This semester was not a very good semester for me. Often, I was discouraged by students who were not keen on their studies. Some skipped classes while some withdrew from their studies. Perhaps my expectation on them were too high, I had this ideal vision of how I would want them to be and they did not turn out to be what I wanted them to be. The disappointments discouraged me. I was so tired of chasing after problematic students that I just did not want to care anymore. I did not bother to check on those who did not turn up for appointments. I decided that it takes two hands to clap and if they wanted to do well in their studies, they had to take some initiative and act on things.
Two weeks before the semester ended, MH came to me and told me that she was going to reseat for one of my papers and asked me if I could give her tuition. I agreed but I was skeptical. Last semester, I offered her tuition throughout the semester but she never turned up even once so this time, I did not take her request seriously. During out first meeting, I gave her some Antonyms to memorize. It was quite a lot to remember. When she came to see me again during our next meeting, I gave her dictation on the antonyms and she got 80% of it correct. I was pleased because she did study. I continued to give her work to do and she always got her work done. Sometimes it was not well done but I could see that she was serious about passing the paper this time.
I’m happy to have given her a second chance. She is one of the weakest in her batch, I remembered her friends calling her stupid but she inspires me. My encounter with her gives me hope to help weak students. She will not get A for this paper but I know if she maintains this consistency that she has, she is going to do better than most of her peers at the next level. Today, am a happy teacher.

Ok, I’m engaged. I got engaged during Christmas. He told my family that he wanted to get engaged with me and they approved. I’m happy to be engaged but then again, what is engagement all about? All I know is that it means I am no more available to other guys and I’m going to be the wife of the guy I’m engaged to I’ve been asking people about the meaning behind engagement yet no one has been able to give me a satisfying answer.

I’m happy to be engaged for I’m 99% sure that he is the one. I know he will be a good husband and we are going to be happy together. As much as I’m happy, I’m also worried. I’m worried about many things. First of all, I feel worried about my parents. I have no problems following my future husband to wherever he chooses to settle down yet I’m worried because I’ve made my parents to be dependent on me and I cannot just pack my bags and leave the way I did when I was 20. My parents are not young anymore, they need people to care for them and my presence has brought much security to them. People have been telling me that my parents look healthier ever since I came back and my presence has made a difference to them…..so I’m worried about them. What happens when I get married?

I have other worries too including finances but I know those problems can be solved as long as I make those little sacrifices i.e work extra for an extra income, live less lavishly so on and so forth. If the poor can find true happiness with the very little that they have, I don’t see myself not being able to do it too.

So…I guess these are my concerns for now. I’m excited and it’s about time I settle down with him….but at the same time, I’m mot too much at peace. Please keep me in prayer, that I find my solutions.

We have more than 10 graves to care for at the western road cemetery. Ideally, we want all the graves of our ancestors to be clean and pleasant looking. However, circumstances makes it difficult for it to be well maintained. Last week, Mary paid a man to clean my great grandfather’s grave. Our initial agreement was that he does the cleaning for RM 100 ringgit. When I went to settle the payment, the guy asked for more as the grave needed to be filled with extra soil and some cement work as the tomb was falling apart. I agreed with his reasoning. When I went to the grave the next day, the guy asked for the payment in advance as he needed cash to buy the materials. I thought it was a reasonable request so I gave him the money. That was the last time I saw him.
There are many odd job workers trying to earn a living around the cemetery, some of them do their job well while others have tarnished these people’s reputation by not keeping promises. I am aware of such possible problems arising but then again, I also believe in giving people a chance to prove their worth as well as not judging people at first sight. He did a magnificent job towards the marble on the tomb, never had I seen it so clean, that’s why I trusted his word and gave him the extra money. Unfortunately, he took advantage of my trust.
I was very dissatisfied by what had happened. I asked the other odd job workers and they admitted that that particular guy could not be trusted. They said it was difficult for them to warn me as my sister had given him the job before they could warn us plus they did not want to create an unpleasant feeling among them. I drove along the cemetery and asked people if they saw him until a man told me to wait. He walked down to a corner and shouted in tamil. He was shouting at someone angrily for 3 minutes and dragged the guy out, as if to tell him to give me a good explanation and that guy told me he will get it done before Sunday. I am skeptical, the other men told me it will never happen but I’m going to wait and see what happens.
It is so annoying when people take advantage of other people’s trust, tarnishing other people’s reputation as well as the saying ’ once bitten twice shy’ once an odd job worker cheats you, you become weary of them.

Punctuality is important. It is a student's responsibility to be punctual.

'Teacher, I woke up late, I am sorry, can I come and see you at 10.30 am instead of 10am?'

This is not a valid reason for lateness. It is not suppose to be ok but then again, there are many other students who are worst than this girl. They do not even turn up for appointments. So, this girl, although is late for her appointment without a reasonable reason is considered to be better than those who do not even bother to notify.

Sigh......what's wrong with us? She is suppose to learn how to wake up on time and be punctual for her appointments, but then again, the environment has not taught her that and she thinks it is ok to be late as long as she notifies.

There are many habitual latecomers who have the cheek to their their lecturers that:

'Teacher I know I'm late, but at least I come. I could have chosen to be absent you know' as if the teachers need them to be present in their class. For a teacher, it is always better to have fewer students in the class for we teach better when the group is small.

Gosh, what's becoming of this society?

It was definitely not easy at the beginning but I manage to pull through. I would say that I’m more fortunate than many other people because I have friends who supported me in times of difficulty. I graduated in the year 2004 and I’ve been working for almost four years already. Although, I’ve been working for four years already, I’m just starting to see myself the way I sort of visualized myself to be when I was younger. I’m only starting to see myself as a person with a career and a stable income; I can see myself progressing in time to come if I continue to work from where I am at the moment. I know, if I persevere, I should be able to achieve something in time to come. There are ups and down in life but I have nothing serious to complain about. I am generally satisfied with what I have.
I know I have dreams of owning my own restaurant and chalet; it has always been my ideal dream. But then again, I’m in no way frustrated that I’m no where near it. Maybe one may think that I’m not ambitious enough but I don’t see that as a problem. I have learnt to prioritized things, I know what’s important to me most and I to work on achieving it, the only challenge that I foresee myself having is when I cannot have both and need to choose between the two things that are most important.

Last night was a lonely night for me. I did not receive a single sms. Yet, I was not disturbed, I just wondered why did some people not respond to my smses. Also, I found it interesting that no one bothered to even send me a new year sms. I had these curious thoughts lingering in my head from time to time throughout the whole day. Little did I realize that I was actually having a network problem that prevented me from receiving any smses. So after I got my problem solved, I had my handphone flooded with smses. Some were still valid while others were already outdated.
I did not make any new year resolutions but there is a thought that has been distracting me. There is a little urge within me that desires to help kids from poor families enjoy and appreciate education. I don’t know how can this desire be a reality after my first encounter with M but I believe things are still possible with Him as my guide. Some of you may ask what happened to my dream of owning a f & b business, and if I was ever serious with any of my dreams especially since I have not been doing anything about it to become a reality. Well, I have not cut off the F& B dream.
The dream of giving education to kids is actually not a new dream. I’ve had this desire ever since I went to Tapah to teach the orang asli kids for 10 days 6 years ago, perhaps the only difference between this dream and the F & B dream is that I rarely spoke about this dream to anybody. I was saddened by what I saw in Tapah and I promised myself that I would do something to give needy children a second chance and maybe that is why I never hesitated to teach the weakest students in the college English. I had hope in them.
I spent my new year morning day dreaming on how to make this dream a reality, it felt good but when I think back about M, the castles that I built in the air suddenly collapsed.

It is new year, the fireworks have just stopped and Brandy is lazier than she ever was. She is lying stiff under the chair, refusing or cannot be bothered to move a single inch from her position. I think my poor puppy is disturbed by the fireworks and feels most secure under the chair inside the house.
It has been one of the most depressing evenings. So lonely and boring, with nothing interesting at all on air. Perhaps the problem is myself, I am overly negative in my thoughts so much so that I failed to see anything positive today that would cheer me up. Yes I sound pathetic.
I was invited to participate in a few gatherings but eventually I opted not to go for any of it. My reason was simple, I could not see myself finding contentment in any of it. I am grateful to be invited, no offence to any of them, I just did not feel like going for it that’s all. Orange said I sounded as if I am disturbed, I denied but I think she is right.
I had a mission today, my mission was to fulfill a wish list before the year 2009 and I put in a little effort on it after work. I had very limited details of the girl I was going to help. I only knew her name, her needs and her father’s mobile number with a house address. Prior to visiting her, I tried to call her father over the mobile as I was filled with uncertainty. I had tried calling for a week to an inactive number so finally, I braved myself today, found courage to go and look for her house. The name of the street was familiar, it was a main road that was more than 1 km long. I had no problems finding the street but not the house. Thank God for the gift of six sense, I parked my car somewhere and headed towards the direction I thought would be right.
I found the house with no problem, I guess God guided me. The house was not where I imagined it to be, it was a little wooden hut located in the squatter area. Thankfully, the house was the first house I checked out, I did not have to search further. I stood outside the door and took a little peep. I saw a young man and a teenage girl getting intimate on the couch. I asked them if it was M’s house and the girl told me it was she and that was my first surprise.
I told M how I got to know about her and asked her if there was anything I could do to help especially in education. Her mother came out to see me (second surprise, I was told she had a retarded mother, so I was surprised to discover that the mother seemed perfectly normal and healthy). M said, she stopped going to school (that was surprise number three because I was told that she needed help in education), when I asked her when did she stop schooling, she told me since two years ago. I asked her why did she stop schooling and her mother said it was not necessary because she did not show interest in school, besides, she had younger siblings who were still in school receiving education. I asked her if she was working and she told me she was too young to work (she is fourteen). So basically, I was given the impression that the girl I was suppose to help is actually not going to school because it is not important for her to get education and she is not working because she is underage. I asked her if she needed any help ie wanted to go back to school and all she answered was she has to ask her father first. Every single question was replied with ‘ kena tanya bapa saya’
To be honest, I really felt discouraged after the visit. There were many things I could not comprehend. Firstly, they lived in the city and was well exposed to development, yet their hut was worst than any of the orang asli houses that I’ve been to. It was dirty and rats were seen as if they belonged to the family, walking out of the rooms into the kitchen. Secondly, how could the adults allow the family to live in such conditions. The hut to me is not a problem but it is pretty much ridiculous to say that poverty is the reason why cleanliness and hygiene of the home is neglected. I’ve been to the outskirts and I’ve seen how bad living conditions can be but I honestly cannot understand how is it that people living in the city can be worst off than those in the outskirts. They have furniture, electric, electrical appliances…etc but the living conditions seemed worst than the poorest of the poor in the villages.
I found what I saw today to be terribly disturbing. I try to imagine M’s father. Part of me feels as if ‘oh well, since they themselves are not interested, I should might as well be committed to those who would appreciate it’ but then again, another part of me is also disturbed by M’s facial expression when I asked her if she wanted to study. She looked as if she was about to cry……
The year 2008 left without leaving me at peace. I want an answer from the person who provided M’s information on why the information provided was misleading and I also want to meet M’s father to know why she stopped schooling. If M goes back to school, she has three more years to prepare for SPM and I’m sure if she makes the best out of her second chance, she might just have a different kind of future.
Happy New Year! I hope you are not as discouraged as I am.

Oh by the way, taboo phrases in my life for the new year are ‘have to play by ear’. ?“For goodness sake, why can’t people decide? I have a life to live and my time is precious. I cannot be flexible on things that involve others and requires commitment. My time is not to be spent with you only for I do have other people in my life too. I think flexibility is sometimes being misused as an option for non-commitment.