Gregory is 48 days old and I'm getting more attached to him, probably because I enjoy his presence more these days compared to feeling frustrated most of the time. These days, he cries less, instead he has begun to create conversations in his baby language. It is so much more soothing to the ears compared to his crying. He has also begun to smile now and once again, that makes caring for him much more fun. I can't wait for the moment to come when he begins to laugh. His vision is developing well too. He is now able to observe things and movements. Though this development is good, it also makes it more difficult for us to make him sleep because he is now easily distracted. He now notices our presence and will cry should we walk away. In the past, it was easy to make him sleep. All we had to do was to pacify him and he will doze off. Nowadays, he will keep watch on us while dozing off. Yesterday, he cried when we switched off the lights. he stopped crying after we switched on the lights. Hence we had to sleep with the lights on for about an hour.

I bought him a simple baby gym at almost RM 30 from tesco. He loves it. He touches it and looks at its colors. Each time I pick his hand up to press the music button, he will smile as the ABC song is played. I also bought him a set of baby books from the baby fair. It's still a little too early to see him appreciate the book but I like the book very much.

Tomorrow will be Gregory's first day at the baby sitter's. She will be looking after him 3 times a week. I have adjusted my working hours so that I can spend more time with Greg. The baby sitter is not cheap but at least I get to go to work. Hope all turns out fine tomorrow.

Gregory turned one month old on Saturday. He is now 4.8kg and 63 cm tall. He is getting a little too heavy for me to carry all the time and to make it worse, he is starting to have the habit of crying out loud so that people will carry him. If he is left alone, he will wail until someone comes and lift him. Unfortunately for him and for us, there are not many people in the house who can carry him, hence the three of us (Leslie, myself and my mom) are experiencing aches here and there as a result of carrying this heavy little bundle.

Gregory does not like to be left alone. Each time we have our meals, he will wake up and cry for attention. He seems to like company. Sometimes, he would rather not sleep for a few hours so that he can play with whoever around and of course the whoever will either be his father or myself. The nurses at the clinic say he is growing well. In fact, he can now lift his head and each time we put him face down, he is able to push himself to face the side. Of late, Gregory has been sleeping pretty well at night too. He wakes up for milk after 3 hours and sometimes, he is so deep into sleep that I have to wake him up instead. The only problem now is that his appetite has increased and these days, he sometimes takes four ounces instead of three and sadly, my breast milk flow has suddenly decreased after the confinement, hence I am having a little stress on this matter. I am now doing what I can to increase the milk flow and God willing I will have enough to feed him. It is too soon for me to start feeding him permanently with formula milk.

I never expected motherhood to be this challenging until I became one. Not only it is challenging but it also requires sacrifices. As a mother to an infant, I have to watch over this little one 24 hours a day. Even if I am not watching over him, I have to pay attention to his crying, While attending to other needs, I need to listen and be alert to his calls. Every single thing is about him now.

As I have mentioned in my previous posts, we are one of the many thousands who are having a difficult time recruiting a maid. Our last agent played us out. They took our deposit but made us wait for more than 4 months and still did not find us a maid. We have changed our agent. This new agent seems very promising but has told us that the waiting period is around 3 months. Hence, we are still stranded without a helping hand. As such, there is no one to look after Gregory once I go back to work.

We did consider finding him a babysitter but it is not easy to find a reliable one these days. Besides that, my shift working hours will make it very difficult for Leslie to cope with him alone in the evenings. As a result, Leslie has suggested that I stay at home to look after Greg. Of course this would be the best for the baby but not for me. I actually love my job. Taking further time off from it puts me at the risk of losing my job. Besides that, it also means that I will not have much opportunity to meet people. I'll only be facing Gregory 24 hours a day. I will loose touch with what's happening outside. When i became pregnant, I was prepared for the possible challenging delivery. I was prepared in financial management. I was prepared to have a new addition in the house, an extra mouth to feed. But I did not expect it to be this challenging. To have sleepless nights, to be partially disabled, to be confined to home, to lose my job.

Aunty Julie is in the house. So I am on half day leave today, yippie! This is so rewarding. As much as I love Gregory, I appreciate this few hours away from him to at least get some things done.

Having Julie in the house is such a relief for the both of us. First, she helped to clean the house, then she took over the caring of the baby, then she cooked lunch for my mom while we had the opportunity to send Leslie's parents to the airport, then she helped to cook dinner.

Thank you so much Julie for making our day great and for all the consultation on how to care for baby Greg.

Having Greg has taught us many things and we are still learning. One of the things we are learning now is how to buy gifts in future for our friends who have just delivered. Today I will share on some practical gifts that will be much appreciated by new parents.

1. Practicality comes before beauty - We have received a few hampers. Many of them are beautifully packed but sometimes the contents are not necessarily practical thus it leaves a lot of wastage. In fact, the packaging itself is a wastage. It uses a lot of plastic and many of the plastic are of low quality and cannot be recycled.


2. We got a hamper which looked really good but half of its contents are not suitable for usage. In fact, sorry to say, some of its contents are of not very practical (i.e the material used for the t-shirt is very warm) and hence we may not use it for the baby. We have also received a gift from Leslie's supervisor. It was not wrapped and was given in the parkson plastic just as how she bought it. The contents however were very useful. Even the parkson plastic can be reused again, this is what I would call practicality. Though the hamper looked beautiful, we appreciated the parkson packed gifts more because we could use them.


3. Buying clothes - In the market, there are not many new born clothes. Most of those sold are for infants age 6 months and above, hence, we actually don't have much new born clothes. Often the clothes we get are slightly bigger for the baby. Mittens and booties are very important for the baby as it keeps them warm and also prevents them from scratching themselves since their nails are difficult to cut at this fragile stage. Unfortunately, some manufacturers only focus on the cuteness of the attire, some mitten holes are so small that even the baby's hands can't fit into it, causing a possible injury when we try to force his hands in. The other problem we often face is the material of the clothes. Some clothes are so thick that is it not appropriate to dress the baby in it. In our weather condition, the best attire for infants at home is actually short sleeve shirts and shorts. Unfortunately, people rarely give short sleeve shirts and shorts. Most of the time, what we get are long sleeves and long pants. Hence we have not used any of those gifts for Gregory yet because we have not gone to any air-conditioned places with him yet.


4. Buying diapers - One of the most practical and appreciated gifts. We have received 3 big packs of diapers so far and thank goodness, they are all of good quality brands. I guess for now, we will not need to buy the diapers for at least 2 months. It is important to take note of the size of the diapers before buying. Imagine buying a big pack of diaper which is too small for the growing baby. What a waste it would be and probably the recipients will have to give it to others. It is also important to give diapers that are good quality because we should not compromise the comfort of the child's buttocks. If we buy diapers that are prone to cause diaper rash, then the recipients may not want to use it on their child and it would really be not nice to give something that is not good for your child for other people's child.


5. Other practical and much appreciated gifts include - toys (non hazard ones), baby wipes (lots of it), baby shampoo and powder (1 bottle of each is enough because it takes more than 1 month to finish 1 bottle) and ang pow.


6. Pati Ikan Haruan - Some people buy this for C-section mothers but for your information, many of these pati ikan haruans have been banned as they contain steroids. in fact, the hospital discourages mothers from consuming it too. It is said that ikan haruan should not be taken too much as the wound must heal slowly and naturally. The hospital has also encouraged mothers to consume to real fish, ideally from the padi field and not the mass produced ones instead of the processed ones.


7. Of course there are many other things which one can buy for a new born. However, it is always best to check with the parents on what they need to prevent wastage as well as the baby from getting more than 1 similar gift.

I am writing this blog with bitterness. Yes, women under confinement are not supposed to get upset because it will cause her to bring in all the negative toxins into her body but I have had enough of it and I personally feel that letting out my frustration will do me more good.

I've never met a person who has been so selfish throughout my life and of all times, I have to deal with this person during this time of my life, when I am physically at my weakest point. I cannot understand why a physically able person wants to behave as though he or she is disabled. A person who is not even entitled to be a senior citizen wants to behave and be treated like an 80 year old person. Why is it that this person has to deprive others of happiness just because he or she does not know how to seek joy in every little thing in life? Just because others find joy in very simple things in laughs out of happiness this person has to be jealous. I don't mind if this person chooses to remain depressed and feel sorry for himself or herself but who gives this person the right to ruin other people's life? It is so unfair. It is so unfair that every body has to be sad and feel blue just because of this person. Every body has to be exhausted just to serve this person, to please this person. Every body is always giving in to this person, depriving themselves of what makes them happy and yet this person is not grateful, does not even show any signs of appreciation but instead like my sister always says 'climbs on your head and shits on it'.

In today's paper, a grandmother killed her own 9 year old grandchild before attempting to take her own life. Reading the news saddened me deeply. Apparently, the grandmother was mentally not stable and was alone with the child when the incident happened. I asked myself, if even a grandmother could take her own grandchild's life, who else then can we trust? I am actually not surprised that cases like this exists. I know of some people who may be capable of doing such a thing.

Reading such news makes me feel very insecure as a mother. It makes me feel scared to leave my son in the hands of other people. Even though the baby sitter we will send Gregory to is a reliable person, I will continue to wonder if she will care for him and love him the way she did to her own children. It also worries me that we may pick a maid who may hurt Greg in the future. It worries me that we may pick a maid who is mentally not sound and may create problem for us in the future. Motherhood has made me to be an insecure person. I am constantly worried that something may happen to Greg. I know i should place my trust in God that he will protect Greg but there are just too many shocking news these days.

Yesterday was almost a repeat of the day before yesterday. Gregory slept well in the afternoon and when it came to night, he started to become restless and would not sleep. At 12 midnight, I tried all the methods fellow mothers suggested. We applied Yu Yee oil on him, did some tummy exercise for him, burbed him over and over again, gave him Po Ying compound and directly breast fed him. He enjoyed every method but none of it stopped him from crying. At 3 am, my breast were already sore, my arms were tired and I was mentally exhausted. I woke Leslie up to look after him for a while while I prepared some formula milk to feed him. Guess what, that little monkey fell asleep immediately in Leslie's arms. I just could not believe it. I was so frustrated. Leslie put him back on the bed and went back to sleep but that little monkey woke up right after he left the room. So I fed him with the formula milk. He drank half ounce of it and dozed off straight away. My gosh I was so amazed at how effective the milk was and at the same time very grateful that I finally could sleep. So the formula milk did work for him and he slept until 4.30 am. We fed him two ounce of milk again and he slept till 7am. It was a bliss for the both of us. Our friend is now back to drinking breast milk and he is happily snoozing away in the living room. I hope he will sleep this well tonight.

This morning I shared my encounter with the mothers again and I was told that infants less than a month old should not be fed with any forms of medication and herbs. Hence Poh Ying is not appropriate. We did so many things on him last night that I don't know if the Poh Ying compound actually did work on him. Actually between 12- 3am Greg did actually burb very easily and farted a lot of times too, so I am not very sure what exactly did the trick but I believe all three did help just that Greg's other problem last night I believe was also hunger as he slept right after consuming the formula milk which was much more filling.

Well whatever it is, I home all will be well tonight.

Today is papa's death anniversary. As I write this post, tears suddenly start rolling down my cheeks. I don't know why is it that I am suddenly so emotional when I have not been really affected by his passing over the past one year. Yesterday, I reflected on how little children would love papa. He was not a man who would play with toddlers and run with them. All he ever did was to just carry them in his arms and take them for a walk. I remembered how well he loved Gillian his eldest grandchild and suddenly I felt sad that Gregory never had the chance to experience the love my father could have given him. I wish my father was still alive and able like how it was when I entered university. Suddenly, I miss him.