24 April 08

I leave for Penang today after spending three days in KL. For the past three days, I had mixed feelings. Part of me was glad to be home whilst another part of me felt hopeless and useless. While others were busy with life, I seemed to be too free. I was restless to be honest, I wanted to have something to do. I wanted to be employed and to be useful.

Yet I am scared. I know what lies ahead and I don’t want to face it. I loved the freedom I had in KL. I loved living alone, away from certain attachments and responsibilities. I treasured the personal space and time that I had to do the many things I desired. I enjoyed being rebellious, to not have someone to report to at the end of the day.

All these has ended, I am going home. Perhaps it’s time for me to grow up and to take responsibility of certain things that I have always avoided. I don’t like what lies ahead but I know I won’t be at peace if I continue to run. I must face it but I’m not ready yet to be responsible. I don’t look forward to meeting the over caring people who tells me that “I should” and “I must” do this and that, I want to avoid people who ask “how come”, “why” I don’t do this and that.

I fear my emotions too, I fear my temper, I fear depression and I fear guilt. Yes, my future seems scary.

Meanwhile, my heart aches for two people who has a special place in my heart. One of them has lost her father Mr. Anthony Toh while the other one lost her most beloved grandpa Mr. John Tan. I don’t know how to console in moments like this but I do pray that their father, grandpa will rest in peace. For the many good deeds that had done while they were alive, I’m sure they will never be forgotten.