I am taxable! Another sign of adulthood. and that I have responsibilities.
Some months ago, I announced that I was seriously considering to pursue in my masters. I found myself a supervisor and got all excited about it. It was the first time I gave some serious thought to pursuing my masters and perhaps that thought came too sudden so much so that I jumped on the wagon without analyzing much. It was a mistake. I found myself struggling to come out with a proposal. My supervisor’s interest was slightly different from mine and I could not understand the system and techniques. I struggled for two months. It was not hell but my mind was not at peace. Each time I thought of Dr. G and the proposal, my spirits would go down. Yes, I was not motivated and I dread his calls. I asked myself why the proposal was so difficult to do and I could not really answer the question.
One day, while reading some journals, I accidentally read articles that were related to the language but of a different area of focus. I could easily click and comprehend with the topic. At that point, I realized that I had chosen the wrong topic and perhaps the wrong supervisor and after putting much thought to it, I decided to tell my supervisor the truth. I’m so happy that he received my reasons well.
I feel so relieved at the moment, the burden has been taken off my shoulders, I’m not haunted by the sense of guilt and I do not have to do something that I do not enjoy anymore. I am still working on doing my masters with a different supervisor but I have learnt my lesson. I’m going to think before I jump on any opportunity that comes along the way and make wiser decisions. I have yet to approach anyone but I am not afraid anymore. Somehow, I thank God for letting meet Dr. G.

Lies and the net

BUZZ!!(Friend's name): Tony and Linda just told me to try these red tablets I saw at their place, Acai berry. They get them for $5 and they swear they lost weight, 23 pounds in two weeks. Anyways, I seen them both and wow they lost a lot of weight it really shows. http://darkclap.com

This is a message I received from a friend on my Yahoo Messenger. It is not the first time I got such a message and I know my friend would not send me such a message. When I checked with the supposed sender, she apparently knew nothing about it. I have therefore come to a conclusion that the YM system is not safe (actually all of us are aware that it is not safe) and there is a need to clarify with friends should their messages sound odd and unfamiliar. Someone is using our identity to send messages that may not be pleasant to the people on our lists and yet we are not aware of it. I am posting this note just in case some of you are not aware of such situations whereby people use others to spread lies on the internet.

I took a facebook True age test today. The initial result stated that I am 13 years old. I refused to believe it so I took the test again and the result stated that I am 19 years old. I accepted the second result.

Of late, I've been in deep thoughts again. I am indecisive. I cannot decide how / where do I want to see myself when I am 35 years old. Everything seems possible. I am having second thoughts about my postgraduate studies as I am not sure if that is really the thing I really want to do. I notice that I am not passionate about it. My excitement was short lived and I cannot foresee myself going far in the research. I do not like the idea that I'm not excited about the postgraduate studies as it causes me to have little respect for myself. Thoughts of -why others can do it but you can't? Yes Jennifer, you are lazy. Why can't you be as determined as other people? Jenn, you are just plain lazy, you and your tidak apa attitude - floods my mind. I see people around me getting their masters while I am still a common and ordinary degree holder. I do not like that feeling. I feel useless and hopeless. Yet each time I try to read up something that is related to the research, I tend to loose interest. And this is just the initial stage. I am only working for a proposal, I have not even started with the real research and I'm already having discouraging emotions.

Yes, I am thinking of telling my potential supervisor that I am reconsidering the programme. I do not know how to tell him as it's going to cause a negative mark on my reputation -Oh, Jennifer, I remember her! She gave up without even putting in much effort. Maybe I am thinking too much.

I continue to dream. I am dreaming of what I am going to be in time to come. I know my strengths and I think I am pretty sure of my weakness. How can I maximize my strengths without facing my weakness? I really don't know.........

Maybe the first result is right, probably, I have the mind of a thirteen year old. Immatured....

Recently, something happened. I had a slight misunderstanding with a friend. Actually, I don't even know if there was a misunderstanding at all. It's just that our relationship turned cold after an incident. I asked myself if I did the wrong thing and I asked her too if she was offended by my actions. She did not answer my question and that left the misunderstanding unsolved. It is actually not the first time such silence happened between the both of us. Every time such incidents happen, my heart aches. Why? Firstly it's because I (think) have hurt my friend's feelings (although I don't know what I did wrong) and secondly, the cold shoulder that I get hurts me. It is easier to cope with the first problem and it is more difficult to handle the second problem because the second problem makes me feel as if my friend does not love me anymore and that definitely cuts me deep.

So for now, each time I think of this friend, some sense of joy is taken off me. I do not dislike or hate this friend but I do feel hurt whenever I think of her. I just cannot smile when I see her photos or gifts because it reminds me of the unsolved misunderstanding.

Dogs! It's interesting how they leave impact in your life. Brandy has been with us for half a year now and I believe adopting her was one of the best decisions I ever made. She is cute, naughty and loving and has been a good companion to everyone at home, even Sokha.

Yesterday, in order to allow the grass cutter to do his job, we had to chain Brandy up and Sokha chained her near to the neighbour's fence. Few minutes after that, we were shocked to find Brandy on the other side of the fence. Apparently, she squeezed her way into the neighbors garden and stood there looking confused. She liked where she was but I smelled trouble coming as our neighbor had three dogs of whom Brandy loved barking at. I tried to pull Brandy back to our side of the fence but she wouldn't cooperate. My fears came true when the neighbor's dogs realized that Brandy was in their garden. They seized the opportunity and attacked poor Brandy with no mercy. My felt hopeless, my dog was being bitten by three dogs right in front of me and I could not do anything. My neighbor was not home. Sokha took the stick and hit the neighbor's dogs but it was useless, I ran and searched all over for the right weapon, I wanted to get the aerosol but could not find any, finally, I found enough water to splash at the dogs and they let poor Brandy go.

Brandy is still a pup yet she was brave, she did not whine but we all knew she was in pain. She had facial injury and blood dripped down her face. I was grateful for it could have been worst. Eventually, I had to cut the fence to bring her back. I could not risk leaving her there. Brandy is still in pain. Not a single whine came from her.

(The dogs that bit Brandy)

I get shivers up my spine when men call me ‘Jenny / Jenni ’. I don’t know how to explain it but it just feels weird. It’s like I have a name- Jennifer and in short it’s Jenn. Why do men need to add on the ‘ny’ after the ‘Jenn ’? I don’t mind men who watched me grow up (in other words uncles) call me Jenny but I find it odd having peers or strangers calling me that. Oh well….that’s just some thoughts that came up to my mind after an encounter with a man this morning.
Anyway, yesterday, I went hiking at Bukit Jambul. What made the trip special was to have an old friend joining me. She was the ‘Angel’ on the bike who introduced me to CSS. If it had not been for her, I might not have been active in CSS and might not have even known Leslie. So indirectly, she is someone who made a major change in my life.
It was nice to have met her again after two years, to just chat and share about life. I had fun yesterday even though it was just a simple hike. Penang is special in this sense. I don’t have to meet up with friends in shopping complexes or restaurants. There are so many nice places to go to with nice activities to do with friends and these are the things that help me stay vibrant!
Yes, this is a very messy post I know. My mind is currently disorganized. =)

More than 10 women told me this,

'Jenn, you should start going for facial, you need to look good for your wedding day and also photos'

Yeah I know, I knew this all along. I have had skin issues since I can't remember when. I have imbalance skin tone and color and some parts of my face can be so oily that I look as if I do not clean my face and of course, I'm bothered by it and I envy people with nice skin complexion. Who does not want to look good anyway? I wish I could just use facial cleanser and toner and be done with it but beauticians tell me that 'no, no, that's not enough, you better look after your skin, women must look good one you know, your skin is like this and like that and blah...blah...blah. And after they are done condemning my skin, they will recommend me with bottles of facial products (that's the scariest part) and I would look and them and give them my sweetest smile before they drop the bomb, 'ok, so for your case, this is what I recommend for you lah, you really need these things to repair your skin, all of this cost RM XXX....(which ranges between RM 300 to RM 2000) and after the bomb comes the most difficult part - telling them that I cannot buy their products. Beauticians never understand NO. Sometimes I wonder if they pretend to be naive or they do not understand English. They will push the products down your throat. So, as a result, I fear beauty centres. I have phobia asking for quotations at these centres because I am intimidated by them.

So yesterday, I dropped by at a skincare centre to check out their service. A beautician was trying to convince a customer to use their product. The customer told her 'you know, every part of the body seems to need care, I don't think I have the ability to worry about every part of my body and I think I will just stick to my current package'. Like other beauticians, that girl did not say get it and continued telling the customer to buy the product. The lady got fed up and said 'that's the problem with you people, you just force people to buy and buy, you know very well that the economy is bad enough and not everyone can afford things, why must you force me? Don't you understand NO? I don't print money at home ok! Wow, that left everyone in shock, I wish I had the guts of that lady.

Oh by the way, the beautician who attended to me told me that I needed a RM 3500 package for my facial care. Gosh! There are cheap beauty centres around but sometimes I'm skeptical. I am not sure of the products they use. I don't want to pay RM 60 per session and have banned China products being used on my skin......and this is why Jenn until today has yet to go for any facial treatments.

Who drives a big car?
I have many things in my head these days. There's work, masters (which I have not really done much work on), marriage....and the list goes on. Almost all the things I mentioned above are the things I did not really pay much attention to in the past but are now of importance to me. As a result, I tend to show more interest in these matters.

And so, one of the thoughts that happen to linger in my head is the 'Wedding Car'. Yes, I know, of all the things.....so of late, I've been asking myself what kind of bridal car would I want to travel in. Of course, the ideal is that my own car be the bridal car, but then again, WCN has lost its shine and is not a suitable car to use. As a result, I tend to look at the cars that travel on the road. I tend to look at friends' cars and wonder if they could be used as a bridal car. After a while, I realized that - most of my friends do not spend on cars! (which is not a bad thing actually). I could not really think of a friend that drives a luxurious car. Everyone seems to be loyal to the local industry that produces smaller vehicles. I actually do not know of anyone who has a car which is big enough to be the bridal car. Well, it is not an issue actually. If there's no big cars, small cars can be used too, no big deal.

I still practice the habit of observing luxurious cars and it's drivers and I discovered an interesting fact. The expensive imported vehicles that are parked in the college actually belongs to the STUDENTS while the kancils, kelisas, myvis, kenari, savy and old toyotas belong to the lecturers and other staffs.....hmmmm.....interesting.....there are many things in life that I cannot comprehend......but honestly speaking, it's not a big deal to me.

Why the sudden silence?

I am preparing for marriage, yes I have gone for the weekend for the engaged and we are working towards marriage. Why the sudden silence in my blog? It is not because life is dull and uninteresting. it is just that my present thoughts are not appropriate to be made public. I still continue to think alot, I often do reflections but they are so personal that I don't think it's fair for me to write it down for others to read. I would not be doing justice to my other half. Therefore, my apologies for the long silence

Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate. This post was taken from an email and I thought I'd share it with you....

A Message by George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete... Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.Live a pleasing life to God. - George Carlin

Honestly, I never knew who George Carlin was. The message just so happen to express what I felt after reading an sms that dissapointed me so much.