Since coming home to Penang in May, mum has had good days and bad days. Each time she falls ill, it gets really bad. She becomes partially conscious and is almost unable to help herself at all. She will not be able to get out of bed and also bring herself to the toilet. It is really tough. For herself and also us. I know she is suffering each time this happens. Due to her body structure and weight, moving her is such a difficult task and she knows it. As a result, she avoids asking for help and that worsens the situation.

Indeed I am frustrated. I am not frustrated with my mother, I am frustrated with the situation that I’m in. How is it that she is sick when we did everything right? We gave her meals at proper times, we gave her the right dosage of medication and yet she still gets semi-conscious. What is wrong? I just cannot understand. Honestly I am tired, I am tired of not seeing fruits from my efforts.

Mum’s present condition is like a nightmare to me. I’m so scared to be in a situation I cannot handle. I don’t have any nursing background and I am bad when it comes to nursing old people. I can be present when it comes to tasks but lifting them is always a challenge for me. I don’t know how to carry another human being, what more to carry the aged whose bones are more fragile.

I guess I am feeling all these pressure because I am living alone with them and there is no one to help me. Morale support is important but I think physical presence is even more important . Perhaps that is why older people in the past age more gracefully and are better cared for. When there are more family members around in the house, the burden is shared and not one gets pressured. One will not get stressed easily caring for the aged in the family. For now, I am stressed because I cannot go anywhere for long hours because there is no one else in the house. I need to make sure my parent’s meals are prepared and they take their medication at the right hour. I need to adjust my time to fit to their routine. It is not a major sacrifice but it does effect me.

Sometimes I wished my family was like other’s family. I wished there were more people living under the same roof. To not have relatives coming in only during special occasions.