I am taxable! Another sign of adulthood. and that I have responsibilities.
Some months ago, I announced that I was seriously considering to pursue in my masters. I found myself a supervisor and got all excited about it. It was the first time I gave some serious thought to pursuing my masters and perhaps that thought came too sudden so much so that I jumped on the wagon without analyzing much. It was a mistake. I found myself struggling to come out with a proposal. My supervisor’s interest was slightly different from mine and I could not understand the system and techniques. I struggled for two months. It was not hell but my mind was not at peace. Each time I thought of Dr. G and the proposal, my spirits would go down. Yes, I was not motivated and I dread his calls. I asked myself why the proposal was so difficult to do and I could not really answer the question.
One day, while reading some journals, I accidentally read articles that were related to the language but of a different area of focus. I could easily click and comprehend with the topic. At that point, I realized that I had chosen the wrong topic and perhaps the wrong supervisor and after putting much thought to it, I decided to tell my supervisor the truth. I’m so happy that he received my reasons well.
I feel so relieved at the moment, the burden has been taken off my shoulders, I’m not haunted by the sense of guilt and I do not have to do something that I do not enjoy anymore. I am still working on doing my masters with a different supervisor but I have learnt my lesson. I’m going to think before I jump on any opportunity that comes along the way and make wiser decisions. I have yet to approach anyone but I am not afraid anymore. Somehow, I thank God for letting meet Dr. G.

Lies and the net

BUZZ!!(Friend's name): Tony and Linda just told me to try these red tablets I saw at their place, Acai berry. They get them for $5 and they swear they lost weight, 23 pounds in two weeks. Anyways, I seen them both and wow they lost a lot of weight it really shows. http://darkclap.com

This is a message I received from a friend on my Yahoo Messenger. It is not the first time I got such a message and I know my friend would not send me such a message. When I checked with the supposed sender, she apparently knew nothing about it. I have therefore come to a conclusion that the YM system is not safe (actually all of us are aware that it is not safe) and there is a need to clarify with friends should their messages sound odd and unfamiliar. Someone is using our identity to send messages that may not be pleasant to the people on our lists and yet we are not aware of it. I am posting this note just in case some of you are not aware of such situations whereby people use others to spread lies on the internet.

I took a facebook True age test today. The initial result stated that I am 13 years old. I refused to believe it so I took the test again and the result stated that I am 19 years old. I accepted the second result.

Of late, I've been in deep thoughts again. I am indecisive. I cannot decide how / where do I want to see myself when I am 35 years old. Everything seems possible. I am having second thoughts about my postgraduate studies as I am not sure if that is really the thing I really want to do. I notice that I am not passionate about it. My excitement was short lived and I cannot foresee myself going far in the research. I do not like the idea that I'm not excited about the postgraduate studies as it causes me to have little respect for myself. Thoughts of -why others can do it but you can't? Yes Jennifer, you are lazy. Why can't you be as determined as other people? Jenn, you are just plain lazy, you and your tidak apa attitude - floods my mind. I see people around me getting their masters while I am still a common and ordinary degree holder. I do not like that feeling. I feel useless and hopeless. Yet each time I try to read up something that is related to the research, I tend to loose interest. And this is just the initial stage. I am only working for a proposal, I have not even started with the real research and I'm already having discouraging emotions.

Yes, I am thinking of telling my potential supervisor that I am reconsidering the programme. I do not know how to tell him as it's going to cause a negative mark on my reputation -Oh, Jennifer, I remember her! She gave up without even putting in much effort. Maybe I am thinking too much.

I continue to dream. I am dreaming of what I am going to be in time to come. I know my strengths and I think I am pretty sure of my weakness. How can I maximize my strengths without facing my weakness? I really don't know.........

Maybe the first result is right, probably, I have the mind of a thirteen year old. Immatured....

Recently, something happened. I had a slight misunderstanding with a friend. Actually, I don't even know if there was a misunderstanding at all. It's just that our relationship turned cold after an incident. I asked myself if I did the wrong thing and I asked her too if she was offended by my actions. She did not answer my question and that left the misunderstanding unsolved. It is actually not the first time such silence happened between the both of us. Every time such incidents happen, my heart aches. Why? Firstly it's because I (think) have hurt my friend's feelings (although I don't know what I did wrong) and secondly, the cold shoulder that I get hurts me. It is easier to cope with the first problem and it is more difficult to handle the second problem because the second problem makes me feel as if my friend does not love me anymore and that definitely cuts me deep.

So for now, each time I think of this friend, some sense of joy is taken off me. I do not dislike or hate this friend but I do feel hurt whenever I think of her. I just cannot smile when I see her photos or gifts because it reminds me of the unsolved misunderstanding.

Dogs! It's interesting how they leave impact in your life. Brandy has been with us for half a year now and I believe adopting her was one of the best decisions I ever made. She is cute, naughty and loving and has been a good companion to everyone at home, even Sokha.

Yesterday, in order to allow the grass cutter to do his job, we had to chain Brandy up and Sokha chained her near to the neighbour's fence. Few minutes after that, we were shocked to find Brandy on the other side of the fence. Apparently, she squeezed her way into the neighbors garden and stood there looking confused. She liked where she was but I smelled trouble coming as our neighbor had three dogs of whom Brandy loved barking at. I tried to pull Brandy back to our side of the fence but she wouldn't cooperate. My fears came true when the neighbor's dogs realized that Brandy was in their garden. They seized the opportunity and attacked poor Brandy with no mercy. My felt hopeless, my dog was being bitten by three dogs right in front of me and I could not do anything. My neighbor was not home. Sokha took the stick and hit the neighbor's dogs but it was useless, I ran and searched all over for the right weapon, I wanted to get the aerosol but could not find any, finally, I found enough water to splash at the dogs and they let poor Brandy go.

Brandy is still a pup yet she was brave, she did not whine but we all knew she was in pain. She had facial injury and blood dripped down her face. I was grateful for it could have been worst. Eventually, I had to cut the fence to bring her back. I could not risk leaving her there. Brandy is still in pain. Not a single whine came from her.

(The dogs that bit Brandy)

I get shivers up my spine when men call me ‘Jenny / Jenni ’. I don’t know how to explain it but it just feels weird. It’s like I have a name- Jennifer and in short it’s Jenn. Why do men need to add on the ‘ny’ after the ‘Jenn ’? I don’t mind men who watched me grow up (in other words uncles) call me Jenny but I find it odd having peers or strangers calling me that. Oh well….that’s just some thoughts that came up to my mind after an encounter with a man this morning.
Anyway, yesterday, I went hiking at Bukit Jambul. What made the trip special was to have an old friend joining me. She was the ‘Angel’ on the bike who introduced me to CSS. If it had not been for her, I might not have been active in CSS and might not have even known Leslie. So indirectly, she is someone who made a major change in my life.
It was nice to have met her again after two years, to just chat and share about life. I had fun yesterday even though it was just a simple hike. Penang is special in this sense. I don’t have to meet up with friends in shopping complexes or restaurants. There are so many nice places to go to with nice activities to do with friends and these are the things that help me stay vibrant!
Yes, this is a very messy post I know. My mind is currently disorganized. =)

More than 10 women told me this,

'Jenn, you should start going for facial, you need to look good for your wedding day and also photos'

Yeah I know, I knew this all along. I have had skin issues since I can't remember when. I have imbalance skin tone and color and some parts of my face can be so oily that I look as if I do not clean my face and of course, I'm bothered by it and I envy people with nice skin complexion. Who does not want to look good anyway? I wish I could just use facial cleanser and toner and be done with it but beauticians tell me that 'no, no, that's not enough, you better look after your skin, women must look good one you know, your skin is like this and like that and blah...blah...blah. And after they are done condemning my skin, they will recommend me with bottles of facial products (that's the scariest part) and I would look and them and give them my sweetest smile before they drop the bomb, 'ok, so for your case, this is what I recommend for you lah, you really need these things to repair your skin, all of this cost RM XXX....(which ranges between RM 300 to RM 2000) and after the bomb comes the most difficult part - telling them that I cannot buy their products. Beauticians never understand NO. Sometimes I wonder if they pretend to be naive or they do not understand English. They will push the products down your throat. So, as a result, I fear beauty centres. I have phobia asking for quotations at these centres because I am intimidated by them.

So yesterday, I dropped by at a skincare centre to check out their service. A beautician was trying to convince a customer to use their product. The customer told her 'you know, every part of the body seems to need care, I don't think I have the ability to worry about every part of my body and I think I will just stick to my current package'. Like other beauticians, that girl did not say get it and continued telling the customer to buy the product. The lady got fed up and said 'that's the problem with you people, you just force people to buy and buy, you know very well that the economy is bad enough and not everyone can afford things, why must you force me? Don't you understand NO? I don't print money at home ok! Wow, that left everyone in shock, I wish I had the guts of that lady.

Oh by the way, the beautician who attended to me told me that I needed a RM 3500 package for my facial care. Gosh! There are cheap beauty centres around but sometimes I'm skeptical. I am not sure of the products they use. I don't want to pay RM 60 per session and have banned China products being used on my skin......and this is why Jenn until today has yet to go for any facial treatments.

Who drives a big car?
I have many things in my head these days. There's work, masters (which I have not really done much work on), marriage....and the list goes on. Almost all the things I mentioned above are the things I did not really pay much attention to in the past but are now of importance to me. As a result, I tend to show more interest in these matters.

And so, one of the thoughts that happen to linger in my head is the 'Wedding Car'. Yes, I know, of all the things.....so of late, I've been asking myself what kind of bridal car would I want to travel in. Of course, the ideal is that my own car be the bridal car, but then again, WCN has lost its shine and is not a suitable car to use. As a result, I tend to look at the cars that travel on the road. I tend to look at friends' cars and wonder if they could be used as a bridal car. After a while, I realized that - most of my friends do not spend on cars! (which is not a bad thing actually). I could not really think of a friend that drives a luxurious car. Everyone seems to be loyal to the local industry that produces smaller vehicles. I actually do not know of anyone who has a car which is big enough to be the bridal car. Well, it is not an issue actually. If there's no big cars, small cars can be used too, no big deal.

I still practice the habit of observing luxurious cars and it's drivers and I discovered an interesting fact. The expensive imported vehicles that are parked in the college actually belongs to the STUDENTS while the kancils, kelisas, myvis, kenari, savy and old toyotas belong to the lecturers and other staffs.....hmmmm.....interesting.....there are many things in life that I cannot comprehend......but honestly speaking, it's not a big deal to me.

Why the sudden silence?

I am preparing for marriage, yes I have gone for the weekend for the engaged and we are working towards marriage. Why the sudden silence in my blog? It is not because life is dull and uninteresting. it is just that my present thoughts are not appropriate to be made public. I still continue to think alot, I often do reflections but they are so personal that I don't think it's fair for me to write it down for others to read. I would not be doing justice to my other half. Therefore, my apologies for the long silence

Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate. This post was taken from an email and I thought I'd share it with you....

A Message by George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete... Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.Live a pleasing life to God. - George Carlin

Honestly, I never knew who George Carlin was. The message just so happen to express what I felt after reading an sms that dissapointed me so much.

It was a fruitful trip. I am surprised myself by how much I gained from the trip. I achieved almost everything I wanted from the trip and even got myself a bonus or two from it.
Firstly, I managed to meet up with many people within the five days starting from people in the chapel, my ex-boss, XH friends, XH housemates, ex-colleagues, ex-roommate, boyfriend, sister and family etc. I even got to stay over at Dora’s and my sister’s house. Minus the people at the chapel, I met up with at least 20 people and I do consider that as an achievement. Of course, there were many other people whom I wanted to meet but did not have the opportunity to do so due to many reasons.
Besides meeting people, I also got some chores done, I had everything I planned to do done except for closing a bank account which I later opted to keep. Firstly, I was lucky enough to celebrate Iris’s birthday with her. Then I managed to finally open a bank account which took me five years to open (the administration staff tried again to delay the process but since I did my homework, I managed to persuade them to finally open the account for me). I also managed to get my teeth scaled on the final day of my trip. Besides that, I also got to get rid of the cracks on my heels. My feet now looks so different from how it has been for the past many years, it looks lovely in my eyes.
Nothing that I gained from the trip can be shown to people in Penang for all that was gained were matters that are only meaningful to me. Friends in Penang may not be able to understand the goodness of this trip and I have nothing to show off to them, yet I am so happy that I took my leave and made the trip possible. Thank you everyone who contributed in making this trip meaningful.

This is where I work

How I spent February week 1

I’ve been missing in action for some time. What have I been up to? Well…..I think I’ve done lots.
1. Friends from KL visited me. It was delightful to have Lee Fah and Siew Leng visiting me. I must admit that I was not the perfect host this time around but I’m glad that they came and I’m glad that I managed to make the best out of the things and spend some precious moments catching up with them. It is nice to know that despite not meeting them for almost a year, there is still much to talk about.
2. I went to Thaipusam 3 times! I bumped into the celebration while the chariot was making it’s way to the temple. The 2nd time, I purposely took Siew Leng and Lee Fah there at midnight just to watch the Kavadis and the piercing ceremony. The 3rd time, I followed Karamjit and that was the most memorable experience as I helped out at the drinks stall. I helped to serve drinks and food to the devotees, I helped to arrange and decorate their stall, I mingled with the aunties and their children and I enjoyed myself. Of course curiosity came crawling in to my mind from time to time. Sometimes I found the answer, sometimes I did not. Nevertheless, I admire the Hindus for their devotion towards God. Religion indeed is such a beautiful thing.
3. Someone in campus organized a hiking trip to Pantai Kerachut and I joined 20 of my colleagues for the trip. We walked through the National Park and it was like a dream come through experience for I had always wanted to do the walk and I finally did it. It was a very fruitful trip as I got to mingle and know some of my colleagues better for we are usually so busy with our work that we hardly have time to talk and chat.
4. I have a colleague who likes photography, a fellow colleague loaned her an SLR camera and she asked if I could do some shots for her. I did it and the photos turned out surprisingly well. The camera owner encouraged me to pursue on photography and yesterday, we did some photo shooting at three different places. It was interesting to follow a professional photographer around as he did his job. I admit that I have fallen in love with the SLR camera but of course, there’s still much for me to learn. Not everyone of my shots were good.
5. Ok, I might be pursuing my studies. I’ve been meeting a potential supervisor and we have somehow narrowed down to a topic. I have not been working much on my proposal, somehow I neglected it during the holiday season and yes, I am trying to get back to work and get myself registered as a masters student. Why do I want to do my masters? Well, I see it as a necessity, I’m not moving forward at work, I lack in some skills as well as knowledge. I hope that the research will help me to be more focused on what I’m doing.
So…..all the above have made me not spend much time online, thus the reason why this blog has not been updated.

(Some of my shots- click on the pictures to see in detail)

I'm waiting for someone, so I decided to kill time by going to the cyber cafe. It is a big cafe, with more than 100 computers. Business is good. The place is filled with teenagers who are engrossed with their game of Dota. It cost RM 2 for an hour to use the computers and I believe these people have been here long before I came in. The boy next to me can't keep his mouth shut. It is as if he is speaking to the computer. I hear foul languages everywhere.....gosh, I wanna get out of here.

I knew the waterfall road would be congested but I purposely drove into it. My reason? I wanted to see. I like festivals, I am fascinated by cultures. I'm always curious to know why humans believe in certain things. I walked into the Thaipusam celebration yesterday and I was glad to be able to watch how the Penang Indians practiced their faith. I saw how families did their holy walk up to the temple. I was touched by the family unity in those families. It was nice to see siblings holding each other's hands while fathers carried their child in their hands. Barefooted Indians were everywhere. Everyone had their own personal reasons why they were there. I saw the kavadi bearers, I saw those pierced skin and I still continue to wonder how these people are able to put those metal pieces through their skin without getting injured. I'm glad to be in Penang, to be exposed to this unique culture.

The pest

I've found a nice place near my college to have my breakfast. It's a makeshift coffee shop with a lady selling homemade Indian food. I enjoy her roti's with nescafe. Every morning, some men will occupy a table in that shop to have their coffee. They gossip alot and talk about everything that is under the sun. Little did I know that they actually observe me.
One day, after I left, one of them asked the Indian lady what she knew about me. One of his question was if I whether I was married. He asked her if she could dig some of my information for him and she responded by asking him to look at the mirror.
I was not aware about all these things until one day, I went to the shop again with an Indian friend and the lady told my friend what happened and they had a good laugh out of it. I on the other hand did not feel very comfortable with the idea that I was being observed.
This morning, I went to the coffee shop again for my breakfast and upon my arrival, that man found his guts and tried to capture my attention by announcing my arrival to the Indian lady ' nah, you punya customer sudah datang oh, dia selalu datang you kasi dia lebih sikit lah, jangan kedukut lo.'
Girls like compliments but it has to come from the right persons. Or else, it becomes a ................I'll end it here.

Another student was caught cheating again, this time not by me. It was Ms. W, who caught the girl. Ms W is well known for her ability to catch Miss and Mister Sneaky Eyes and Sneaky Hands during exams. What will happen to this girl? She will be expelled from college if the disciplinary board finds her guilty.

I caught a student cheating once. I felt bad when I caught him for I knew he might be expelled from the school. Although I felt bad, I had to be fair. What he did was not right and I could not close my eyes and pretended that it never happened. I'm just grateful that I never taught him or else I would have really felt terrible for sending my own student for expulsion. To be more precise, heartbroken.

There was an empty table in the examination hall this morning, a table that was suppose to belong to a boy who was killed in a car accident a few days ago. He was not a high profile student. He was inactive in class but was not a problematic student. He was killed while travelling back to Penang from his hometown, his friend was driving and he was the passenger. His friend survived but the student's head was nearly severed off and he died instantly. No witness could really describe the whole accident as his friend is still in a state of shock.

Everyday at school is a new day, sometimes the happenings can be shocking. Welcome to reality Jennifer!

There are some things in life that we need to let go of if we want to move on with life. But then again, what are the things we should let go of and what are the things we should never let go of? I’m often confused when I need to decide on this matter. Sometimes I wonder if letting go of things that are of value to us for the sake of another person is an act of love or pure stupidity.
I wonder what religious people went through when they decided to serve God and His people. How did they feel about leaving their career and families when they chose to live a consecrated life? Did they not care for their parents? Did they not worry about their aging parents? If I ever decide to put my priorities over other people’s needs, am I being selfish?
Another disturbing thought in Jenn’s head.

I’ll be 30 soon. Not this year but soon enough. Yet, I am not able to see a stable future coming my way yet. I have a vision of what it may be like but I’m not sure if it is the ideal choice. It is easy to dream and to have ideals but it is definitely tough when it’s time to make decisions that will create impacts in our lives. There are many decisions for me to make this year and I am so afraid that I’ll make the wrong moves. I’m afraid of making decisions that I might regret.
Perhaps I am so afraid because I have little faith in myself. I fear that I am not going to be able to stand on my own if promises and assurances that have been made to me fail to be like how it is suppose to be. Someone asked me why did I have so little faith in my own capability and that question struck me to realize that I was not confident of myself. Maybe I have not tried hard and worked hard enough so much so that I see myself lacking in the many things that others have. At the moment, I feel stranded. I have so much to work on and I do not know where to start.
Maybe my problem is that I focus too much of the ’I’ and have forgotten to put ’Him’ into the picture from time to time. It is definitely way easier to be a motivator to others.

It is a culture among the Chinese to burn fire crackers as they usher in the Lunar New Year. They burn the fire crackers to remind them of their ancestor’s victory over the ‘nian’, a creature that brought much fear and disrupted the peace of the Chinese once upon a time. Another reason why the Chinese burned the fire crackers is to cast away evil spirits and bad luck from entering their lives for the coming year.
Despite the fact that the burning of the fire crackers is illegal in our country, many still practice this culture. Some practice it for cultural and superstitious reasons while others practice it just for fun. As in merely to join in the crowd and to make the festival merrier.
I’ve grown up listening to the sound of the fire crackers and to be honest, the atmosphere of Chinese New Year would definitely be different without the fire crackers. I have gotten used to it so much so that I’m immune to the sound. Tonight the sound of fire crackers filled the air again as the Hokkeins ushered in their version of the new year. The dogs in every house are nowhere to be seen. Most of them like Brandy are hiding somewhere in the house, under some furniture or vehicle, seeking refuge from the frightening sound let off by the fire works. As I continued to watch the TV, Sokha wakes up from her sleep. She looked worried, confused and scared. Initially I was amused and thought she was being silly. Then, I remembered where Sokha came from - a country where solders and firearms were aplenty.
Some thoughts related to culture came into my head after that but I shall reserve my thoughts for now.