23Dec 2010 is going to be a historical day. It is the day the movers will come to move my parents to KL. It is going to be a sad day for many of us, including our neighbors. My family has lived in our humble little bungalow that overlooks the main road for 32 years. Almost everyone in Bukit Glugor knows our house, many children have played in our garden, many adults have in one way or another walked into our compound, many people have passed our house and have waved at it's occupants each time they see us. Everyone in Bukit Glugor notices us, even Brandy our dog and everyone will notice the lifeless state of the house after the 23rd.

We are moving out because we, all the children are now married and have our own family commitments and we are not able to offer our parents sufficient care in that home due to different priorities and commitments. My parents will move to Shah Alam with us where we will live under the same roof and be present to attend to each other's needs. Changes have to be made as time goes by and we have been taught to move on. Yet, I cannot erase the fact that who I am today is a result of the past which forever remains in my memory.

I am sad that I don't have a home to go back to after the 23rd. Going to Penang is never going to be the same again. What is going to become of our Penang home? I really don't know. I still want to have a piece of that humble looking yet priceless house in my life, but then again, who is going to look after it? Every time I think of this, my heart aches, I feel helpless.

I'm now clearing my leave. I am pretty free. I now have time to do things that I want yet sometimes, I drag my feet to do the things that I have procrastinated for so long. I guess I have not done those things not because I was too busy but more because I did not want to do it. I feel lazy.

I am starting to be aware that I am wasting my youth away again. I don't like the idea that I have nothing to do. I hope to be occupied again, doing something that I enjoy. I look forward to the day I move to Shah Alam and be united with Leslie. I dislike waiting.

I have a weakness of not knowing how to express my disappointment towards people who have caused me unhappiness. I can’t seem to find the right way to convey my message across to the other party that I am hurt and disappointed. Keeping quiet and not mentioning about it seems to be the safest for me for each time I express my feelings, the outcome is usually negative and eventually, I will feel bad about expressing myself, the thought of “I wish I had not said it” would usually overwhelm me.
I dislike this weakness of mine. I dislike it because I fail to do justice to my own emotional needs. I am unhappy tonight. Perhaps I expect too much of others. Perhaps the 100% that I expect is actually 150% in the other party’s eyes and that 150% is too much to ask for. I am dissatisfied, I want more and I expect more “TLC” if only you could be more sensitive. Material things are not all that I need. I need the personal touch. Maybe I’m depressed……but then again……I don’t think I’m being too demanding.

I am feeling a little miserable. My students are having a 15mark test this week and I am trying my best to cover all the grammars that will be tested. It is a lot to cover actually. I find it redundant if I were to rush through the syllabus, achieving my personal responsibility of having covered what is to be tested while many of them fail to understand fully and apply the correct use of grammar in the language.
As I sit in front of my computer, I am trying to work out notes on prepositions and pronouns. I’m trying to make it as straightforward and simple as possible but it does not seem to be that easy. I have checked out some reference books and found out that the explanations are complicated at times and sometimes I wonder if my students were to depend on those books for referencing, will they actually learn anything? I’m not trying to belittle my students but I find notes with too many words difficult to digest at times. They are not straight to the point. The more the explanation is, the more confusing it becomes.
Many students study English like how they study other subjects. They memorize the grammar rules but fail to apply them in their daily use of the language. Sometimes I feel like banging my head against the wall when I see them repeat the same mistake over and over again even though I constantly remind them of the tenses. Many of them tend to be much more concern about the formulas and stick rigidly to it. They are not stupid, many are just too scared to be adventurous in using the language. The rule has become their sense of security. Often they tell me that English is so difficult and complicating. When asked if they actually read anything in English, they nod their head to say of course, they read their text books. I may be sarcastic but I always tell my students that, even if they were to record my lessons and view them over and over again, their English may not improve much for the only way for them to improve in English is through reading and speaking it constantly.
I’m feeling anxious at the moment. I can actually use old notes to teach them like how some teachers do but I know if I do that, my own personal sense of satisfaction is not going to be there and I will always feel that the note is incomplete. My notes have to synchronize with my style of teaching but argh! I’m brain dead at the moment. Frustrated!
Each time I view through the syllabus, I wished that I was teaching in a school for it gives me ample time to teach and spend time with my students where else at tertiary level, I only have fourteen weeks with them and fourteen weeks are a very short time to actually improve one’s language skills. I know I am being emotional at the moment. These problems which seem to be big for now is not that big after all. All I need is a good sleep and hopefully when I wake up, I'll be inspired to finish up what I ought to complete.

I am grateful for the many people who has shown love and has cared for me in this journey of life. I'm grateful for friends who call to check if I'm ok, to offer assistance when I'm in need. Life at the moment is not a leisure for me but yet I am grateful because I have lovely people around me, to help me through the difficult moments, to lighten my burden. I am struggling with work at the moment but I know that I'll be even more worst off if I did not know all these kind people.

I guess God has His own way of caring for me. He puts me through the difficult moments, yet He sends His angels to journey with me so that I may understand and appreciate life better. My one week of work has thought me about humility. I learned to acknowledge the goodness in people, to respect them for the being that they are. My journey is still long, but I see a purpose in my life.

Why

I am hurt and sad

You are afraid,
You are avoiding me.

Why are you doing this?
To me
To yourself
I cannot understand.

You are running away
You think you are happier that way
I see your mask
I see your fear

I can’t do much but only pray
I pray you’d stop running
I hope to see your true happy face again

Will you be my friend?
Will you just let me be your friend?

I miss you dear friend.

I'll be home for Christmas

22nd Dec 07

Today, I’m leaving for Penang. I’m shifting the majority of my things today. Though I’ll be back soon, many have started to give me farewell gifts. Some big, some small but all are precious to me.

I’ve been working for three years with the students. They come, they go. Some bid farewell before they leave while others don’t. For those three years, I was the one who bade farewell to them. This time, it was different. It was them who bade farewell to me and indeed I’m touched by their gestures. Some have given me really lovely cards while others have sent me very touching smses. Reading those lovely messages, I strongly believe that my three years with the ministry was worth it.

Today, I received four very touching gifts. The first gift was a little goodie bag filled with a Christmas tree, a little keychain and finally toothpaste and toothbrush. Yes it was a gift from one of the dental students. The second gift was handed by the dental students of XHRC and Pris. It was a Jamie Oliver recipe book. Tears almost flowed out when I opened the gift. It was the prefect gift. I had always wanted to buy it but could not afford it. Little did I expect it to be eventually a gift from these students. My third gift of the day was also a recipe book on Indian Cuisine from my boss. I also loved that book and my final gift came from my lil monster. She gave me a little note book with bible quotations, for me to write my recipes in. Though my stay in XHRC was only half a year, I guess memories of this place will be carried along with me for many more years to come.

I leave this place with fond memories yet there is one regret. My departure has actually damaged my relationship with someone who is very dear to me. As the day of my departure drew nearer, this person avoids me more and the cut in my heart becomes deeper. What has happened between this person and myself hurts me a lot. I wished to spend more time with her before I leave but it has instead turned otherwise. I wish my journey over here did not have to end this way. I wish I knew too why she behaved this way. If it was a mode of self protection then I wonder why she had to do that. Would it not be better to cherish the present, to live the very best out of it?

Nevertheless, I’m grateful to all those who have made a difference in my life, for those beautiful and kind words written and said to me……I appreciate them all.

Angry me

If you like to menumpang only,
You are not invited into my life
I don’t mind doing you favors
But it has to be because I want to.

If you are my friend
Only because you see me useful,
Don’t come near me.
I am not user friendly

I am your friend because I really want to
I help you because I love you
I stand by you because I am willing to
And I’d go out of the way because you are my friend.

But if you think I’m instant,
Convenient, easy to use and economical,
Bug off then you parasite.
I’m not strong enough to be gracious……

I needed space, I had to let it out or it would be eating into me. So, I wrote this. I felt used. I thought it was friendship but suddenly I realized that I was a friend because I could provide all the benefits that that person needed. I’m exhausted from being a superwoman. The simple and easygoing Jenn who would tolerate with any kind of nonsense.

Anger Management Needed....

Somebody was angry at me, and she refused to talk to me. I was unaware that she was angry at me, I only felt that she was behaving weirdly, never had I suspected that the culprit was me.

Her friend told me why she was angry at me; I was shock to know the reason. I thought only primary school girls had such tempers. I could not believe my ears. I had no reason to feel sorry or guilty for making her angry as I did not see myself doing anything wrong. Even her clique of friends laugh at her reason yet she stays firm with her decision to be angry.

Her anger towards me has grown to be stronger. She rebels against me and it hurts. I don’t know how to respond. I love her, but I’m hurt. Her rebellious ways is like a disease, it is eating into others and I have to put a stop to it. How am I going to do it? I really don’t know…..pride and stubbornness, one of the most challenging characteristics to deal with.

Tip..tap..tay

It’s been raining all day
I sit and listen to the raindrops fall
Tip…tap…tay…tip…tap…tay
I wondered if you’d call.

I miss you
I miss your presence
I miss your voice
I miss you being here

It’s still raining
Raindrops still falling
Tip…tap…tay…tip…tap…tay
Will you call?
I hope you will

Pain

A very dear friend of mine was in town tonight. It has been sometime since I last saw this friend whom I miss very much. I had looked forward to meeting this friend, but timing was just not right. I was occupied with something else, helping another friend out.

I don’t know if my friend was expecting to see me, neither would I know if this friend was disappointed as much as I was for not meeting up. I’m just feeling sad tonight because I missed meeting this friend. I could have met this friend if I had put in a little extra effort to manage my time but I did not. I assumed that time would wait and that I could steal an opportunity or two to catch up with this dear friend. My assumption failed me and I did not manage to meet my friend and I am disappointed. I am frustrated with myself that I did not appreciate the opportunities that I had. I never learn from my past mistakes and I always take things for granted. I procrastinate, confident that time and opportunities will always wait for me. I do care very much for my friend, but my bad habits overwhelm me. I succumb to procrastination just because I don’t feel like doing it at this moment and at this hour because I am not in the mood, sometimes because the task is challenging and I want to avoid it, sometimes its because I need to protect my pride therefore I choose to procrastinate.

Today, I missed the boat and I’m sad. My time is limited, every hour is precious and yet I wasted an opportunity tonight. My heart aches.

I am angry......

I just had the worst lunch in my whole entire life. And it cost me RM 6. I can’t believe I was such a fool to have bought food from that shop. I took rice, a chicken curry and vegetable salad. The salad tasted weird and the curry was horrible. I felt so bad over what I ate that I nearly threw up. I will never ever go back to that shop again. I think it’s going to be pretty challenging for me to think of what I’m going to eat for dinner.

I wonder if they even wash their food before cooking it. Am feeling very sick now.

I am actually very angry, i feel cheated and i can't believe people can actually sell such uneatable food to others. How could the city council even give them the license to sell such unhygienic food? I found a cockroach egg and hair in my curry! It was a restaurant and not some stall by the street. Such a shame.....I'm very upset.....too bad I forgot the name of the shop or else I would name it here. It's located near my office at Lebuh Ampang. One of the many Indian Restaurant's located on that street.