10 years ago, a man, whom I saw as an elder, locked me in my own room and kissed me on my lips. I was very young and naive then. I only pushed him and moved away from him. He asked me why? I said, I didn’t like it and he questioned me for not allowing him to show love and affection towards me. It was a common thing for us to greet each other by kissing on the cheeks but I was sure that his kissing of my lips was definitely of a different intention. I managed to free myself and walked out of my own room. Since that very moment, my disappointment towards him never seized. I even told my mom that I wanted to stay in my friend’s house because I could not face him. I never told my dad about it because I did not want hurt my dad’s feelings due to his relationship with that man. For 10 years, I successfully avoided him. I managed to pretend that he never existed in my life.
A few days ago, this man appeared with his bags in my house. He had come to Malaysia for a holiday and had asked to spend ten days in my house. I was freaking mad for two main reasons. Firstly, he came unannounced, expecting us to provide him with some Malaysian hospitality when we ourselves were struggling with our challenges at home. Secondly, I did not want to have him coming into my life after what had happened 10 years ago; yes, I was scared that history would repeat and of course I did not want to feel insecure in my own house.
And so, I vented my anger by sharing with those whom I thought would understand. I gave him names. I called him a “Nightmare” and “headache” and I cursed him behind his back. I felt good because all who lent me their ears agreed that he was indeed a nightmare. Today is his second day in my house. Though I’m still weary of his reputation, my anger towards him has been diluted. In fact, I do sense some guilt within me. I feel bad for calling him names. I feel bad for backstabbing him. I felt that I was being unfair towards him. Though he forced a kiss on me before, it doesn’t mean that I had the right to destroy him the way I did. Yesterday, I bought him satay and nyonya kuihs on my way back from work, today I planned to bring him out for dinner and tomorrow, I might actually bring him to town just for an outing. I have no motives in doing so but it does not mean that I’m totally fine with the person that he is. I keep my distance from him, no body contact at all, not even a handshake. Each time I walk into my own room, I lock the door immediately. Yes the fear is still there and it always will be