Today was my medical check up at the Klinik Kesihatan. I was initially worried as I thought I had gained more than 3 kg (as reported by the unreliable weighing scale at home). I was scolded by the nurse last month for the sudden weight gain and I was not looking forward to be scolded again this time. Thankfully, the scale at the clinic revealed that i had only gained 1 kg (pretty little for someone who is in her 3rd trimester).

The nurse told me that everything seemed normal and that my hemoglobin readings had improved. Hence, she encouraged me to stop the iron supplement (which i would gladly do due to 2 reasons. 1st. It did not taste nice and 2ndly i read that too much of Iron will lead to some side effects in health). As I'm now in my 3rd trimester, my check up at the clinic will be more regular. i will need to go for check up every once in two weeks and I now need to keep track of my baby's movement. So I need to carry my pink book with me all the time and make a tick whenever I feel the baby move. It's going to be a little troublesome but I believe I will soon get use to it. The nurse also told me that i need to increase my milk intake so that I will not get cramps on my leg in the night. She said those cramps are cause by the lack of calcium.

I am a fat expecting mother and I am overweight for sure. I am trying to push myself to do some exercise so that I will have the stamina to PUSH when it's time to deliver. Besides, I know what it feels like to grow up being fat, hence I don't want my child to go through what I went through during my teenage years. Now, I must control my weight and God willing, everything will be alright.

Serving others seems to be ideal. But then again, I think I have my limitations. To me, I think I can only serve others when I can cope with things. I can't serve others when I don't even have time for myself to do the necessary important matters. For me important matters include getting my own life in order, making sure that I don't have a pile of things waiting for me to clear. I don't want to be stressed out because I am constantly getting errants done leaving no time to relax and breathe. I enjoy certain moments when I can just lie on my bed and relax, not having to think of a single task.

Of late, relaxing has not been an option. I wake up in the morning with errants running in my head. I don't sleep well because I am constantly reminded that I have things to settle before I go to work. So I drag myself out from bed even though I still could do with some extra sleep and walk down the stairs to get what I have to do done. I try to enjoy whatever i am doing but then again, time does not wait. I realise that I'll be late for work if I do not hurry and suddenly, I feel pressured. And so, I rush to prepare for work and drive to work in a stress mode for fear that I won't be able to clock in on time. When I reach my work place, I breathe with a sigh of relieve, knowing that I made it on time. When I reach home after work, I can't afford to sit on the sofa because there's errants awaiting me. I have stopped enjoying the tv programmes because there's no time for it. When I get the errants done, it's already time to sleep. I feel as though I'm like a robot. A very task oriented one. And so I lack of emotions these days. I seldom sit down and look at the greens in the garden anymore.

So I often get irritated when people promise on my behalf that I can get certain things done. Because I don't think I am currently in a condition whereby i can be generous enough to run favours for others because I myself do not even have the time to get my own agendas done. TO add on, I am expecting a child and I want to prepare for the arrival of the child. I don't want to have a child in a messy environment whereby things are not in order and I end up feeling stressed, worst still, to have pre-natal depression. I plan to enjoy motherhood in a normal way and not have people sympathizing over my condition. The problem is, some people just are not sensitive enough to understand these concerns. Some people tend to see things in a very simple manner. Perhaps they lack exposure to realize that.

I lost my tooth today! I am saddened by the fact that I lost it. I was having massive pain on my upper right molar for 4 days and finally I had the time to see the dentist (Lee Fah) today. She took a look at my tooth and gave me a sympathetic look.
Lee Fah: "Jenn ah, your tooth has cracked. It's a very long crack. I think it's gone."
Me: "You mean I can't do anything about it anymore?"
Lee Fah:"I'm afraid so"
Me: "Are you saying I need to extract it?"

So, I got the very unexpected done today. I got my tooth extracted. Honestly, I thought the whole process was worse than what I went through when I extracted my wisdom tooth. i think she took almost 15 minutes to get it done. Reason being, my tooth broke into 3! That shows how bad the crack was. I don't like the fact that I don't have a perfect set of teeth anymore. I don't like the fact that I am going to get an artificial tooth. I also don't like the fact that I'll be spending a bomb on my tooth next year. My other concern was that this whole dental adventure may have a effect on my pregnancy. I hope my child will not be effected. My upper right gum really hurts right now and I cannot take any pain killer other than panadol.

After leaving the clinic, I went to Tesco to do buy some grocery. The experience was HORRIBLE. It was a MISTAKE to go there. While I was getting some things, my gum started to hurt. I thought I could bear the pain so I just made it a point to get all that I wanted to buy as fast as I could. The pain got worse and I headed to the counter to pay (since I did not want my efforts to be wasted). Most of the counters were closed. I was unfortunate enough to Que behind this REALLY SLOW guy. He was REALLY SLOW and had so much to buy. He took his own sweet time to take the things out one by one from the very full cart and took his own sweet time to pack the goods and put them back in the cart. My gosh my patience was tested to the brim. Then suddenly, while I waited, I started to feel uncomfortable inside. I felt like vomiting and dizzy and I started to sweat. I really felt like sitting down on the floor but I told myself that I had gone this far hence I should finish my task. The feeling was horrible. I called Lee Fah to ask why I was feeling this way and she told me that I should have gone home straight to rest as I was expecting and it was natural that I would feel a little sick. Goodness me. It was Horrible......so today was a really bad day for me. I know everyone is sad about Steve Jobs' death for me but for now, I don't care because my gums hurt so badly.

After sending her to the airport about a month ago, we went to LCCT last night to pick Sokha. We waited for more than an hour only to discover that she did not board the plane. I was upset alright, but at the same time not surprised. After all that has happened for the past few months, we expected her to disappoint us in this manner. What made me angry was that she did not bother to even tell us that she did not want to return. We would have accepted it if she had just at least informed us. In fact, it was she who asked to come back and work. We were prepared to let her go and find another domestic helper. But she begged and said that she needed the money and asked us to keep her. So much for the crocodile tears and tales, she finally proved to me that I had not misjudged her.

The consequence of the event is that my mom is now partially neglected. She is left alone at home when we go to work. The good thing about my current job is that I work on shifts. Hence, I still can prepare her meals (most of the time) and leave it on the table for her so that she can help herself. This new arrangement is working but it is not a very good plan. Reason being I'll be delivering in 3 months time and I won't be able to be her caregiver during confinement as I myself will need assistance. The other problem is that we will have a baby in the house in three months time and the baby would need to be cared for. Hence, we would still need to find a caregiver that is able to do both. My mom for now actually still can clean and bathe on her own. Hence the helper's role is mainly to prepare her meals and make sure that she does not fall. Why are we adamant about getting a helper to be in the house? Because I think it saves cost and at the same time everyone can remain happy. I've observed nursing homes function and I've seen how overworked workers dump their stress on the occupants. I've heard of scary babysitters who neglect the child they have been paid to care for. Hence if we employ a caregiver to come and work at our home, we believe the person will do a better job and be happier. Besides, my mom will be able to also look out for her grandchild and make sure that its not being ill treated by the caregiver. The question now is, how do we find a solution within such a short period of time? As for Sokha, i think I would prefer to let her be history and not talk about her anymore because speaking of her will only upset us all.....

I'm in my sixth month of pregnancy and I experienced a sudden weight gain. It is actually pretty disturbing. What did I do wrong? I can't figure out an accurate answer. Is it the cakes that I've been eating? The extra slices of bread I had for breakfast? The brown rice that we are now eating? Sigh......it's disturbing. I seldom take supper unless when I'm working. That too, i only take snacks and not heavy meals. The nurse has instructed that I take another glucose test which I took this morning. The experience was horrible. I had to fast and drink a glass full of very thick syrup (so thick that it was a little bitter) and wait for two hours without consuming any water or food before I had my blood drawn to test if I was diabetic. I will not know the results until my next medical appointment which is 3 weeks from now. I am worried that I will have diabetes because that will lead to many other risk for myself as well as the baby. The constant heartburn continues from time to time. I've searched for remedies but there seem to be none as the solutions that are available are not appropriate for pregnant women.
Today, while waiting in clinic, the nurse shared with us about birth control. The government is advocating healthy pregnancies and is highly recommending that women space out their pregnancies by at least two years. The nurse shared with us on family planning methods and to be honest, none of the suggested methods were useful for me as it is wrong for Catholics to use them. Among the suggestions were the use of condoms, birth control pills, vasectomy, birth control implant.....just to name a few. Two things ran in my head as I listened. Firstly, i felt disgusted when some shared on the different options. Some shared about what they do to prevent pregnancies. They were honest and open but I felt it was inappropriate to share such a personal encounter with strangers. Secondly, how about Catholics who are not aware of the Church's teachings? I'm sure they would listen and accept all the method's that is being suggested and practice them. Would that not be a sin then? Before we dismissed, the nurse reminded us to discuss with our husbands on which birth control method to opt for. I was truly uncomfortable. Don't i want to have a healthy pregnancy and remain free from all the unwanted aches and pains at the later years of my life? of course I do. But then again, I've been taught that it is wrong to do what I was taught to do at the clinic this morning. Why didn't the nurse teach us about the family planning method that's being promoted by the Church? Getting pregnant to be honest has made me see life very differently. I believe once the child comes, Leslie will also see a lot of changes take place in his life too. Lets pray and hope that the changes will lead us to grow in a positive manner.

I read a note on a friend's facebook yesterday stating that she has been diagnosed with cancer. I am still in a state of shock over what i read. I laid in bed last night thinking over her situation. She is married with two very young kids. I wondered how did her husband accept the news. As far as I'm concern, he loves her deeply and i'm very positive that this news really breaks his heart. How is he going to cope looking after the two kids while my friend undergoes her treatment? They just recently bought a landed property and are still paying for the loan. It must be a very difficult period for this family. I tried to figure out the cause of the cancer but it just did not make sense. My friend leads a very healthy lifestyle. They don't smoke and don't drink. In fact, my friend is a health freak. She exercises A LOT and is always careful with her diet. Yet she has cancer. How could this be? I'm shocked by what is happening to my friend, it also serves as a reminder to us that cancer can just hit anybody, without any signs and symptoms, even when we try our best to be healthy. Scary isn't it?

Recently, someone seems to be giving me cold shoulders. This person is a new friend. I had not met her for a few days and suddenly after she returns, she begins to give me cold shoulders and I don't even know why. Did I do anything wrong? I hardly speak to that person and only say hi and bye and yet I'm receiving cold treatment from this person. What did I do wrong I wonder. Gheez..... people are really weird. As I grow older, I tend to meet really weird people around.........don't they feel miserable this way?

According to the pink book, I am 24 weeks pregnant. Why am I not confident to declare the age of my pregnancy? It is because I lost count of my last menstrual cycle and thus the doctors are unable to accurately confirm the age of my fetus. The pink book is a record of my pregnancy. It carries the details throughout my pregnancy. Every expecting mother who seeks treatment at the government's health clinic will be very familiar with this pink book which looks like an exercise book. It is an essential item to carry with us whenever we see our doctors.

Unlike most of my peers, I think I've been pretty lucky. I do not suffer from much complications throughout this pregnancy. So far, I've not vomited. I have other symptoms and discomforts but I think compared to other expecting mothers, mine is rather minor. Recently, I've been experiencing heart burns. I feel discomfort below my chest, the websites on the Internet tells that this is a normal experience for mothers who are moving towards the end of their second trimester. I do not have cravings but I'm gaining weight pretty rapidly, around 2 Kg per month. It is actually pretty disturbing as I do not want to be obese again.

Am I ready for motherhood? Not really. In fact, I cannot imagine what lies ahead. I don't know if Leslie is ready as well. It sounds simple enough and most of my friends have gone through it but then again, are we ready to sacrifice the freedom that we currently have for the little one that is expected to arrive in January? I don't know. I also am not sure if our finances are sufficient to lead a comfortable life after the little one comes. But then again, I'm sure we are financially better off then many other poor people out there and they seem to be coping well with parenthood, so I guess we should be able to pull through, unless....we start comparing ourselves with other people who seem to be able to afford everything under the sun.

At 24 weeks, how is my baby? Well according to books and websites, it already has all the vital organs and has a 40% survival chance if it is born. It can hear and function like a human and even pee but its skin is still delicate. It's starting to require more calcium and I must make sure that I have enough so that it won't need to share the calcium needed for my body. Am I excited? Well...OF COURSE!!!

After papa passed on, my communication with our domestic helper started to deteriorate. She started to show signs of dishonesty. I discovered this because my working hours were inconsistent and she was not aware of it. Sometimes when I returned home, she was not in the house. I also learnt that she bought herself a cellular phone from another domestic helper living in the same neighbourhood. When I confronted her over the matter, she lied to cover her act. I was shocked and disappointed because all these while, we had praised her for her honesty. I don't know what happened. I don't know if someone had approached her while we were at work and influenced her or she was finally being herself, to be brave enough to reveal her true colours. We began to notice that she lied a lot and often denied her actions.

Today, my neighbour's domestic helper came over to talk to me. I do not know her intentions. I don't know if she came over to speak to me in order to protect herself or because she was sincere and wanted to help. She told me that our domestic helper has been communicating with another person living in the neighbourhood. She told me that our girl had been using her trips to buy bread as an excuse because she always went another direction instead of walking towards the shop. She said the girl has been buying phone cards from the other person and has been making friends with other domestic helpers in the area. (I am not surprise because I notice that she often gets food from others whom she claims to be neighbors)

I am actually not surprise with all that I heard but I felt really disappointed. I felt disappointed because she had promised us that she would not do things that would jeopardize our trust towards her again.

Earlier this month, after making a phone call back to her hometown, she told us that she had family problems and wanted to return to Cambodia. We decided to let her go on the condition that we find a replacement before she leaves. I am currently searching for a replacement and it has been a very challenging task for me. Firstly, it is very costly to bring in a maid these days regardless of their nationality. It costs between 11 - 13 thousand just to bring them in. The salary of the domestic helpers now range between 650 - 1200 ringgit. Having lived with one for 3 years now, I realized that there are many factors which I need to consider when choosing a maid as well. Since I am currently expecting, I need to consider the safety of my infant under the care of the maid while I am away. I need to make sure that she is hygienic and is not reckless. I also need to make sure that the maid is patient with my mother and knows how to cope with my mom. It sounds as though as I am looking for a perfect maid but then again, I think these factors are really important factors, I am going to put the lives of two very important people in the hands of this person whom I am going to employ and I must make sure that they will be cared for.

Do we judge our parents too much? Some of us now live with aging parents who need extra care. No doubt, some parents can be naughty and do things that cause them to deteorate but then again, are we depriving them of their own personal freedom when we supervise them too much? Why do we bother so much. Is it because we really love them or is it because we do not want them to cause further inconvenience in our lives? I think some of us complain do much. We say that they are not helping themselves, they spend too much time watching tv, they are wasting their life away...so on and so forth but then again, how much effort are we putting in to make their life better? Do we even spend at least an hour a day with them? Do we talk to them? I think some of us are getting a little too big headed because we seem to be more educated then our parents. We think we are cleaverer than them. So we become bossy when caring for them. Perhaps it is time for us to reflect on our sincerity.

I've heard of her name a few times in the past. She made some statements on the judicial system and the human rights issues. She spoke up for those who could not defend themselves. I always saw her as someone who was just doing her job right and nothing more. She was one of those who often made statements which I would agree upon. Yet, despite all, I only saw her as another ordinary woman who was doing things right. Uncorrupted but nothing spectacular. Recently, this lady made headlines. She became a household name all of a sudden. She became someone whom many Malaysians knew. Some people see her as a heroine while others see her as a threat, a villain. To me, Dato' Ambiga Sreenevasan is someone who is just doing her job right, fighting for a cause which she believes it. The recent bersih 2.0 incident however made a little switch in my perception towards her, from nothing spectacular to someone impressive. I am impressed by her courage to be adamant in pursuing something which she truly believes in. I do not know if her determination was politically motivated or not but I am amazed by the energy this woman has. She was threatened, called names and yet she stood firm in her mission. Did she not fear death? Did she not worry about her own safety and also the safety of her loved ones? I hope I have the courage that she has someday, to be brave enough to stand up for something that I believe in.

I am expecting my first child. It is a wonderful experience. Of course everyone is excited and I'm glad that they are happy for me. Concerns are being shown upon me, especially on my diet and my health. Every mother would want their child to be born healthy, and of course she would do her utmost best to do things right so that the little one arrives healthily into this world. What frustrates me is that I have certain individuals who try contribute too much in this pregnancy. They tell me to eat things which they think is good for me. I have only ONE stomach and I can only eat this much. Besides, the tongue is mine and there are things which I get tired of eating. The doctor has warned me against taking too much herbs and so has other people, but some people still won't listen and overdo things. Why is it that they don't trust me to look after myself? Why do they want to be stubborn and force me to follow their way when the pregnancy is mine? I am grateful for their concerns but I want to have my say too. I want to have a choice in what I eat. I know how much my body can take, why can't they just leave me alone? I am frustrated because it involves money too and I don't like wastage.

Looking at the traffic and chaos happening out there, I am grateful that I was given three days off from work. I did not request for the off day but somehow, my boss arranged for me to be off. Whatever it is, I am grateful. Honestly, I do not see the need for such road blocks to take place in the city. How can one identify a potential demonstrator on the eve of a demonstration? Do they paint their face yellow or shout slogans on the street to identify themselves? Why must the rakyat have to go through the roadblocks and be stranded in the jams? What is the purpose of such enforcement? There is only 1 reason why I do not want to go near the city tomorrow and that is because I fear the enforcement. I am worried that I may be injured in the situation should things get rough. I fear the water cannons and tear gas, I fear a possible stamped, I fear the safety of the child I am carrying in my womb. I feel all these enforcement is only increasing the rakyat's frustration. Some people may blame the organizers of the rally for initiating the event and cause their routine to be disrupted but I think what the administration is doing is a presentation of its fear. I feel the administration is being defensive and not open to listen to the voice of the rakyat. To listen to their frustration and disappointment, to accept that there is a weakness in the current administration and further improve for the people's sake. The leader of the rally is a learned lady. She shows no signs of violence. Her fellow organizers are respectful people in society, they I believe do not carry weapons. Why then should the administration fear them? Perhaps listening to their words of wisdom may bring the nation to a greater level of success?

The most interesting thing happened to me at work today. A colleague who is not well liked by others actually saved my day at the very last minute. Ever since I came to the editor's desk, everyone has been nice to me except for her. For the last 3 weeks, I found her to be anti-social and mysterious. She hardly spoke to anyone and she always kept to herself, keeping her work very much to herself and never really shared anything with anyone even when she was supposed to. Fellow colleagues often complained that it was difficult to work with her due to this attitude. However, what happened today seems to tell me that I should give her a second chance and try to understand her. There was an error in our duty roster and I had to take up the duty of the editor who was absent. All this while, I had worked under a senior editor. However, today's situation required me to work alone and take charge of two news sessions. As I had never done that duty at all before, I struggled and almost could not finish on time, all of a sudden she approached me and offered to help out. She corrected my errors and even contributed some stories. She was so helpful and it actually took me some time to recover and accept her assistance. I am shocked by what she did and I think her actions actually changed our relationship. She smiled for the first time and she bade us goodbye before she left. I am still puzzled by wha happen and I do not know if she will smile at me when I see her again the next day, but what i know is that today's experience tells me that she can be nice, if I play the cards right with her and maybe I can help to make her more approachable at work in the future.

It's been 4 days since I moved to the editor's desk. The experience has been facinating. I am amazed by how fellow editors manage to produce news for airing every hour. I must admit that I have much to learn. The only downside which I don't really like about my work is that I have to come in at very odd hours. Sometimes I have to work overnight, sometimes I have to start work at 4am in the morning. The working hours are odd and I wonder if I am able to cope with it. I look forward to gaining experience and producing news which I can be proud of.

A few days ago, I lost my patience towards some people because of time. The people who were supposed to replace my night duty came in half an hour late. I was frustrated. I was exhausted and had a whole list of things waiting to be done yet, I had to delay my plans because they were late. To add salt to the wound, they were my friends, so I lost my temper and I did not react positively when they walked into the room. I was upset and I wanted to send the message across and I burst. Obviously, my friends were shocked. I guess they did not expect that to come from me.
Although I knew they were wrong to be late, I was disturbed by the way I had reacted. I somehow had a sense of guilt. I felt guilty of showing my frustration. Till now, I still feel guilty for bursting. I have not met those friends yet and I don't know if they are upset with me or not but I feel uncomfortable that I let it happen.
It is a culture at my workplace for people at my work place to walk into the office late. The culture started because people were assigned to duties that were out of their shift hours. Hence, the department heads allowed the flexibility to happen. However, some people have taken this flexibility for granted, they come in late because they had personal matters to settle. As the number of staffs in our office is big, their lateness do not affect their fellow colleagues during the normal shifts, sadly, some of them carry this lateness with them when they are on night and morning shifts whereby there is only 1 person on duty and the person needs to wait for them to come before they leave the office so that the office is not left unattended. I was told this morning by a fellow colleague that there are some people who came in 2 hours late for their duty and caused other people to wait for them without having any sense of guilt. How could people do such things? I just cannot understand. Even if our colleagues are not punctual, does it mean we have to be like them?

My phone rang twice this morning. It was rare for this friend to call at such an odd hour. Besides, she was not one of those who would call as she preferred to SMS. I tried to call back but no one answered the call. I felt a little uncomfortable. Two hours later, my phone rang again. My heart beat faster when i discovered that the person over the phone was not my friend. I embraced myself for the bad news. My friend Wei Ming had passed on. She died yesterday after a fall in the bathroom. She was recovering from a surgery. My heart sank.

Many questions rushed into my head. WHY? HOW? HOW COME? How did she feel during the last moments of her life? How about her aging parents? She was their only child, who would take care of them? I felt emptiness all of a sudden. I felt like crying but no tears flowed......... Wei Ming was my friend since 14. She was a simple girl and was carefree. I never felt stress whenever I was with her. I could talk about anything under the sun and she would listen. I remember her especially for her laughter. It was so easy to make her laugh. She laughed at almost everything even when we talked about serious matters. Being simple minded, Wei Ming never furthered her studies after form 5. She was not a slow learner. She just did not see the need to further her studies to obtain better qualifications. She was contented with her surroundings so much so that she did not switch jobs at all. She worked as a cashier at the bowling alley for almost thirteen years from the day she left school until the day she died. Despite not earning much, Wei Ming was always generous. She always paid for my food whenever we ate at her workplace. She was the cashier, thus she always paid before I could even ask the waitress for the bill. Sometimes she even paid for one or two of my bowling games, telling me to just keep quiet and enjoy the game because I do not have the priviledge of getting a discount.

Wei Ming's passing is a loss for me. I have loss a dear friend whom I was always comfortable with. I am going to miss her. It hurts to be unable to see her for the last time, to bid her farewell. It hurts to know that I was never by her side when she was sick, it hurts to know that I was not a good friend. I felt the pain when the caller told me that Wei Ming's mother insisted that I was informed of her death as I was her good friend. Rest in Peace Wei Ming. Until we meet again.......

History repeated again today and I just could not believe that what happened did happen. This time however, things are slightly different. Somebody actually said that I made a statement which I did not make at all.

I remembered sharing with a colleague on how I would approach unfriendly colleagues if I ever encountered with one. I did not specifically mention any names neither did I say that I disliked anybody in the office. To me, it was merely a general sharing on how to deal with office politics.

Today, a junior colleague approached me and asked me if I told that particular colleague that I disliked some people in the office. I was surprised. This junior colleague told me that that person told her that I disliked some senior staff in the office. I was disappointed and stunned at the same time. I had trusted that colleague so much and felt so comfortable speaking to her. Now, I realize that she cannot be trusted. Besides, I never told her neither did I tell anyone that I disliked anybody in the office. I sincerely hope that this is happening due to miscommunication as both of us are more comfortable using different languages. Maybe she misunderstood me. Nevertheless, once bitten twice shy, perhaps I really need to just shut up and focus on getting my work done.

I got a chance to speak to Dato' Dr. Jimmy Choo today. It was an interesting experience. My colleague was so excited when she got a glimpse of him, I however was less enthusiastic. Yet, I think I should thank my colleague for her enthusiasm otherwise, I would not have gotten the opportunity to speak to him and shake his hand. Despite his fame, I have to say that I am inspired by his humility. He was so approachable and willing to help. Speaking to him today tells me that success is not that difficult to achieve, all we need is the right attitude.

I walked into the office yesterday and was rudely shocked by what was being reported in a reknown daily. My colleages were discussing about it and I felt totally uncomfortable with what I heard. I being a minority opted to keep my opinions to myself but deep within me, I was upset by what was written in the paper. I was dissapointed that the daily could make such a bold statement and yet get away with it. How can we allow such reporting to be done in our country? How could a reporter write an article based on an assumption and not the truth? Will action be taken against the reporter and the newspaper for propagating false belief and hatred? I pray for justice to be done.