After spending so much time on the photo session it was natural that we felt anxious over the outcome. We headed to 'Blissful' again the following day to have a look at the outcome as well as to select the 20 photos for the album. It was a difficult task.

The photos turned out to be not too bad but we did not look perfect all the time. I was not fully pleased with the outdoor shots. I firmly believe that the photos could have been better if Chris and Ah Khoon had done more. Perhaps outdoor photo shoot is just not Ah Khoon's cup of tea as the studio shots looked so much better than the outdoor shots. I liked a few shots but sadly we could not have all the shots we really liked as we could only choose 20 pictures and we had to fulfill certain criteria. It was really painful to press the delete button sometimes but I guess we had to do it or else we would have to pay more.

So......our photo shoot is settled. Now we have to wait for the final outcome. Meanwhile, it's time to worry about the other matters, to continue planning for the wedding.

It has been a wet week. I had almost given up hope that there was going to be any sunshine on Saturday. I was however wrong. God was kind enough to actually give us some sunshine, enough for us to have a few outdoor photo shots.

Leslie and I arrived at 'Blissful' at 9am. We were the first to reach. In fact, the bridal house was not yet even open. Mei Ling the make up artist greeted us and briefed us about the whole process of the photo shoot. We had a little discussion prior to that so that she would understand our style and liking. After the discussion, we were brought to the make up room where we were transformed. I actually did not really like what I saw but I believed Mei Ling knew best on what was suitable for me and at 10.30 a.m, the first setback took place when Mei Ling brought in a gown for me to change into. My gown which was the first out of five was not altered as promised and it did not fit me perfectly. The tailor had to make last minute modification on my dress and obviously, the last minute work on the gown was not perfect.

Nevertheless, we left for Botanical Gardens at 11 a.m for the first photo shoot. We had requested to have our photos taken by the beach but Ah Khoon our photographer said that the beach was not the best place due to the weather, the sky was not blue enough for a nice scenery. It was probably a blessing in disguise as Ah Khoon brought us to the seaside after that. Therefore we had more variety for our outdoor background instead of only one as stated in our package.

We knew that photo sessions would be taxing but we never expected it to be so time consuming. At 1pm, we were only done with our first gown and we had four more to go. I got my second shock at 1 p.m too. The second gown that Mei Ling brought in was not what I chose! I began to feel slightly irritated. How could they make such a big mistake? It was ridiculous for a professional bridal shop to make such a blunder. Fortunately, Mei Ling was quick in finding a solution. Damage was already done yet the make up artist and the photographer did their best to make the best out of what was lacking.

The photo session finally ended at 7p.m. We were exhausted but happy despite the setbacks. Thanks to Ah Khoon the photographer, Chris and Mei Ling the make up artists, I would say we did enjoy ourselves. There were lots of laughter together with a lot of first time experiences. During the photo shoot, I was bitten by ants and Leslie stepped on my fingers, I screamed in pain and and had tears rolling down my cheeks thanks to those fake eyelashes yet I would say it was an enjoyable experience and I have to admit that the session brought both Leslie and myself even closer. I had never looked into his eyes so many times in my whole entire life!

If one can afford it, I think the bridal photo shoot is definitely worth the experience. We actually opted for the cheaper package with only one album and I think that is good enough. Bridal photo shoots should be fun and exciting. I feel it should not be overly done to the extend of tiring oneself.

I have lost a piece of document which is very important. I cannot imagine if it fell into the wrong hands. The damage will not be 'that' bad but it would not be nice for others to see as the content is confidential. I'm disturbed that I can't find it and my emotion is printed on my face. I don't look happy but what can I do? I do not know where to search anymore. I've gone through all the possible places.....sigh...is all I can say.

I felt exhausted today. It was a feeling of being 'fed up'. I felt angry yet I knew that I should not be. Those who attended the classes were good students and I should not reveal my unhappiness to them after all they did nothing to make me unhappy. It would unfair for me to be emotional just because I was upset with those who were often absent and failed to submit their assignments.

I am trying to control my temper. It is indeed a challenge. Sometimes I ask myself why should I allow those students to affect me when there are so many students out there whom I should pay attention to. Perhaps I'm doing it wrong.

I spent today with mum. I picked her up from the nursing home early in the morning and we left for mass. It was just the two of us because dad vomitted and it was better for him to remain home. It was actually my first time attending mass with mommy alone. It actually felt nice though it was a little bit troublesome as mum was a little slow in her movements as she is learning to walk again after being sick for so long.

We went home and I prepared lunch while both mum and dad waited to be served. Mum was glad to be home. She had looked forward to this day ever since I suggested to her that we should go to mass together last Wednesday. She disliked the nursing home but we had no choice as I had to work while dad had already gotten Sokha's hands full and she was not capable of caring for two old folks alone at home. Mum has been counting the days for her two months stay at the nursing home to end. She craves for home and I try my best to bring her home whenever I'm not working. So I guess today was indeed a rewarding day for mum and I'm glad to have made her happy.

Ever since I moved home, I feel as though my bonding with my mother has strengthened. I tend to think of her more often and as well as wonder about her feelings and thoughts. I cannot detect what changed my feelings towards my mom but I'm glad it is happening.

I used to envy friends who did not have to care for their parents and were able live their dreams and do whatever they wanted because they did not have such responsibilities. However, i feel differently now. I do still feel frustrated at times that I have to consider about my parent's needs each time I plan to make a major decision but at the same time, I am also grateful that I still have them in my life, to be able to be still experience their presence and company. To watch them grow old and care for them. It is not easy but I thank God for the opportunity.

I had been having pain on my fingers and feet for a few months already. Last month, I told the doctor at GH about it and she said if I continued to have fever with the pain, I should go to the hospital and get a check up because it could be a sign of arthritis. That got me worried because I know how is it like for one to have arthritis and I really do not want to have it before I even turn 30. Thank goodness, the fever left, however the pain of both my fingers and feet remained. Today, I went to the Chinese Physician, curious to know what he had to say. He read my pulse and told me that I am rather weak.

You have not been sleeping enough -I guess so
You are always sleepy during the day - very true
You eyes are dull - true, I've always wondered if it was because I did not use any eye care product
Have you been walking too much? -Yes I do walk, in fact I stand a lot because I teach but then again, why is it that my fingers ache too?
Ah so, your occupation contributes to the aches, you write and stand, that is why.

Honestly, I was satisfied with his reasoning. It was very logical.

I am going to give you some herbs, can you boil them using the clay pot? I prefer you to use that method. I will also add in some herbs to help you sleep better. Don't worry, it's not like those 'sleeping pills' you don't have insomnia, you just need more rest and there's too much 'wind' (toxic I assume) in your body.

So what's your name? (He wanted to fill in my details on the computer) -Jennifer Vaz
How is that written in Mandarin? -So I wrote it for him
Ah? I did not know there's such a surname, which part of China are your ancestors from? - Oh, I'm not Chinese.
So sorry, you are easily one, you seem so Chinese. -thank you, I'll take that as a compliment.

So that was my visit to the 'Sin Seh' It was pleasant and I hope he was right in all that he said. It's been ages since I felt revitalized. I really miss that feeling.

I gave up an opportunity to earn extra yesterday. I thought for a while before telling my supervisor that I was willing to give up three hours of my overtime to a new lecturer. It was a painful decision as I really could do with some extra money and I was so tempted to push myself to work extra hours despite the awareness that I would not perform well in class anymore due to the workload.

I wondered if I was a fool to let go of the money. I wondered if my reason of letting go was because I was just too lazy to work a little harder. But then again, what kind of life would I be living if I pursued on my desires? I won't even have time to spend with anyone, there will be no more social life at all. All my weekends will be used to mark assignments and exercises and I might just end up being a moody lecturer. I would not have anytime to bake cakes and cook, neither will I have anytime to prepare for the wedding.

Today, I got my new timetable. I was glad, I now have some space to breathe, I now have time for students who come in for consultation. I now have time to have short conversations with my colleagues, I now have time to prepare for lessons in campus. Oh! How I wish I lived in a world where money is not a necessity!

My little niece had an operation today. Initially when my sister told me that she was going for the surgery, I was cool about it. To me, it was just another surgery, there was nothing extraordinary about it and perhaps I was very much convinced that the surgery would be successful and that everything will be all right.

As the day of the operation drew closer, I started to feel slightly uneasy that my little niece would be operated upon. I felt uneasy with the idea that this little girl will have her body cut. All my life, I had never been operated upon, neither have I ever been stitched before and I would surely be disturbed if I needed to go for any form of surgery, even if it was as minor as having my gum cut to extract my wisdom tooth.

I wonder how is my niece right now. I wonder how did she react when she went into the operation theatre. Was she scared? Did she cry? She is 7 and I am 28. She is brave.

I am feeling LONELY

Sigh.......

I manipulated the situation and got things done my way. I wonder if it happened because I talked too much so much so that the other party became submissive or was it because I was convincing and my idea was good. After the meeting ended, I felt as if I was a bully because there was no opposition at all towards everything I had said. Somebody told me that I made my point very clear and that it was needed because we were almost heading nowhere before the meeting.

Despite being uncomfortable about the whole situation, I'm somehow glad that what I proposed is going to be carried out. Now we need to focus on getting the project done, living up to it's objectives.

Do we know what we are doing?

Why are we such critical people?

Perhaps criticising others boosts our own esteem.

Sometimes I think we are 'syiok sendiri'

Believing that we are doing good when

We are just selfish people who only care about ourselves.

Question my intentions and I discover that

I am noble because it makes me feel good being the noble one

Do I really care about what others feel?

Perhaps not. I just want to look good in their eyes.

It just feels good to show people that

I AM NOBLE, I AM HOLY, I AM A GOOD CATHOLIC

It just excites me to see myself inspiring people

Are my intentions sincere?

-confession of a butt kisser-

I don't know why and how I wrote this.

I was just thinking of

something and of someone when

I suddenly clicked on to type this on my post.

It was done within 5 minutes.

I am leaving it as it is.

Perhaps I will edit it in future, perhaps I will leave it as it is.

For now, I'm just letting it be.

It is purely unedited, not even grammatically corrected.

Hello People!

How's life been? I believe it's been ages since I wrote any post in the blog. There are a few reasons like, I was busy at work (really busy uh), I was not inspired, too lazy and sometimes....THE INTERNET (which is most of the time the main culprit. I get so fed up trying to get online that I end up not posting anything on the blog.

Time flies when there's much to do in life. I'm surprised myself but I do really love working in this college. I can actually imagine myself retiring in this place but of course it won't happen because of marriage. I'm currently on a semester break which does not really seem to be like one at all. There's lots of paper work and lesson plan to work on. I'm also involved in the college orientation therefore I have some extra work to attend to as well to add on, I have a course to attend this coming weekend (which is so not the right time as Leslie's parents will be down to meet my own parents =( )

I had Fiona and Myd visiting me last week on separate days and it was a delight to revisit Penang with them again. As always, I learnt more about my hometown while bringing them around. I discovered a great place to eat nasi briani and fried oysters and some Chinese food. I also discovered some less pleasant things like 'the Air Itam laksa is not living up to it's reputation' and the ' illegal jaga kereta's are increasing despite reports that the state is clearing them off the streets'.

What a week it has been. More exciting things are expected to come.......I hope to watch 'Sell Out' while it is still in the cinemas though.....

I gave my students a two hour test on Friday. It was to prepare them for their finals tomorrow. As I had a bad toothache, I left them to do the test while I took a rest. When I returned to class, I saw a boy doing his test facing the wall. I found it very odd therefore I asked him why he was facing the wall. He did not answer. He just smiled.

Being a naughty lecturer, I grinned and pointed at his friends and I said aloud 'Hah, you guys must have been disturbing him so much so that he had to move away. You have been bullying him haven't you?' The boys who were already smiling all the way laughed loudly and said 'Teacher! He is the noisy one, that's why we asked him to sit there'

I could not help but smile. These fellas are so childlike, at the same time, I still find it hard to believe that the boy obediently moved his seat just because his classmates told him to.

I'm currently teaching a group of students who did not get credit for their SPM English. I meet them for six hours everyday so sometimes I give them activities such as games to make learning fun.

Last week, I did the 'Answer Hunt' game with them. I gave them a list of questions for them to search for the answer. The questions were related to the facilities and people in the college. One of the question was 'Name five people who are in love'. Of which I expected them to ask among their classmates for the answer for many of them were in a relationship. Much to my surprise, my students did not think of asking their classmates this question. They went around campus asking other students ' Are you in love?'

I was amused when i was told what they did. Having taught in this campus for almost a year, I've never had students who had such guts to actually approach strangers, what more to ask them if they were in love and my students just did it. To add on, the respondents responded positively towards these students, many smiled and laughed when asked if they were in love.

I'm actually very satisfied with the result of the game. I saw them gain confidence in themselves while learning and having fun. The only complain I got was ' Haiyo teacher, so hot and tiring lah'

I am taxable! Another sign of adulthood. and that I have responsibilities.
Some months ago, I announced that I was seriously considering to pursue in my masters. I found myself a supervisor and got all excited about it. It was the first time I gave some serious thought to pursuing my masters and perhaps that thought came too sudden so much so that I jumped on the wagon without analyzing much. It was a mistake. I found myself struggling to come out with a proposal. My supervisor’s interest was slightly different from mine and I could not understand the system and techniques. I struggled for two months. It was not hell but my mind was not at peace. Each time I thought of Dr. G and the proposal, my spirits would go down. Yes, I was not motivated and I dread his calls. I asked myself why the proposal was so difficult to do and I could not really answer the question.
One day, while reading some journals, I accidentally read articles that were related to the language but of a different area of focus. I could easily click and comprehend with the topic. At that point, I realized that I had chosen the wrong topic and perhaps the wrong supervisor and after putting much thought to it, I decided to tell my supervisor the truth. I’m so happy that he received my reasons well.
I feel so relieved at the moment, the burden has been taken off my shoulders, I’m not haunted by the sense of guilt and I do not have to do something that I do not enjoy anymore. I am still working on doing my masters with a different supervisor but I have learnt my lesson. I’m going to think before I jump on any opportunity that comes along the way and make wiser decisions. I have yet to approach anyone but I am not afraid anymore. Somehow, I thank God for letting meet Dr. G.

Lies and the net

BUZZ!!(Friend's name): Tony and Linda just told me to try these red tablets I saw at their place, Acai berry. They get them for $5 and they swear they lost weight, 23 pounds in two weeks. Anyways, I seen them both and wow they lost a lot of weight it really shows. http://darkclap.com

This is a message I received from a friend on my Yahoo Messenger. It is not the first time I got such a message and I know my friend would not send me such a message. When I checked with the supposed sender, she apparently knew nothing about it. I have therefore come to a conclusion that the YM system is not safe (actually all of us are aware that it is not safe) and there is a need to clarify with friends should their messages sound odd and unfamiliar. Someone is using our identity to send messages that may not be pleasant to the people on our lists and yet we are not aware of it. I am posting this note just in case some of you are not aware of such situations whereby people use others to spread lies on the internet.

I took a facebook True age test today. The initial result stated that I am 13 years old. I refused to believe it so I took the test again and the result stated that I am 19 years old. I accepted the second result.

Of late, I've been in deep thoughts again. I am indecisive. I cannot decide how / where do I want to see myself when I am 35 years old. Everything seems possible. I am having second thoughts about my postgraduate studies as I am not sure if that is really the thing I really want to do. I notice that I am not passionate about it. My excitement was short lived and I cannot foresee myself going far in the research. I do not like the idea that I'm not excited about the postgraduate studies as it causes me to have little respect for myself. Thoughts of -why others can do it but you can't? Yes Jennifer, you are lazy. Why can't you be as determined as other people? Jenn, you are just plain lazy, you and your tidak apa attitude - floods my mind. I see people around me getting their masters while I am still a common and ordinary degree holder. I do not like that feeling. I feel useless and hopeless. Yet each time I try to read up something that is related to the research, I tend to loose interest. And this is just the initial stage. I am only working for a proposal, I have not even started with the real research and I'm already having discouraging emotions.

Yes, I am thinking of telling my potential supervisor that I am reconsidering the programme. I do not know how to tell him as it's going to cause a negative mark on my reputation -Oh, Jennifer, I remember her! She gave up without even putting in much effort. Maybe I am thinking too much.

I continue to dream. I am dreaming of what I am going to be in time to come. I know my strengths and I think I am pretty sure of my weakness. How can I maximize my strengths without facing my weakness? I really don't know.........

Maybe the first result is right, probably, I have the mind of a thirteen year old. Immatured....

Recently, something happened. I had a slight misunderstanding with a friend. Actually, I don't even know if there was a misunderstanding at all. It's just that our relationship turned cold after an incident. I asked myself if I did the wrong thing and I asked her too if she was offended by my actions. She did not answer my question and that left the misunderstanding unsolved. It is actually not the first time such silence happened between the both of us. Every time such incidents happen, my heart aches. Why? Firstly it's because I (think) have hurt my friend's feelings (although I don't know what I did wrong) and secondly, the cold shoulder that I get hurts me. It is easier to cope with the first problem and it is more difficult to handle the second problem because the second problem makes me feel as if my friend does not love me anymore and that definitely cuts me deep.

So for now, each time I think of this friend, some sense of joy is taken off me. I do not dislike or hate this friend but I do feel hurt whenever I think of her. I just cannot smile when I see her photos or gifts because it reminds me of the unsolved misunderstanding.

Dogs! It's interesting how they leave impact in your life. Brandy has been with us for half a year now and I believe adopting her was one of the best decisions I ever made. She is cute, naughty and loving and has been a good companion to everyone at home, even Sokha.

Yesterday, in order to allow the grass cutter to do his job, we had to chain Brandy up and Sokha chained her near to the neighbour's fence. Few minutes after that, we were shocked to find Brandy on the other side of the fence. Apparently, she squeezed her way into the neighbors garden and stood there looking confused. She liked where she was but I smelled trouble coming as our neighbor had three dogs of whom Brandy loved barking at. I tried to pull Brandy back to our side of the fence but she wouldn't cooperate. My fears came true when the neighbor's dogs realized that Brandy was in their garden. They seized the opportunity and attacked poor Brandy with no mercy. My felt hopeless, my dog was being bitten by three dogs right in front of me and I could not do anything. My neighbor was not home. Sokha took the stick and hit the neighbor's dogs but it was useless, I ran and searched all over for the right weapon, I wanted to get the aerosol but could not find any, finally, I found enough water to splash at the dogs and they let poor Brandy go.

Brandy is still a pup yet she was brave, she did not whine but we all knew she was in pain. She had facial injury and blood dripped down her face. I was grateful for it could have been worst. Eventually, I had to cut the fence to bring her back. I could not risk leaving her there. Brandy is still in pain. Not a single whine came from her.

(The dogs that bit Brandy)

I get shivers up my spine when men call me ‘Jenny / Jenni ’. I don’t know how to explain it but it just feels weird. It’s like I have a name- Jennifer and in short it’s Jenn. Why do men need to add on the ‘ny’ after the ‘Jenn ’? I don’t mind men who watched me grow up (in other words uncles) call me Jenny but I find it odd having peers or strangers calling me that. Oh well….that’s just some thoughts that came up to my mind after an encounter with a man this morning.
Anyway, yesterday, I went hiking at Bukit Jambul. What made the trip special was to have an old friend joining me. She was the ‘Angel’ on the bike who introduced me to CSS. If it had not been for her, I might not have been active in CSS and might not have even known Leslie. So indirectly, she is someone who made a major change in my life.
It was nice to have met her again after two years, to just chat and share about life. I had fun yesterday even though it was just a simple hike. Penang is special in this sense. I don’t have to meet up with friends in shopping complexes or restaurants. There are so many nice places to go to with nice activities to do with friends and these are the things that help me stay vibrant!
Yes, this is a very messy post I know. My mind is currently disorganized. =)