I'm moving towards the 8Th month of my pregnancy now. I'm growing in size the my wardrobe is getting limited. I'm not able to wear most of my clothes now. I went shopping a few weeks ago to increase my selection of clothes but unfortunately it was not fruitful due to two reasons. One being my unique body size (as always) and secondly the price. I don't know if the price of clothes is getting more expensive these days or maternity clothes are naturally more expensive than ordinary ones but i honestly feel that they are over priced. For example, I bought a pair of slacks for RM 90 after getting a 70% discount. Most maternity clothes are priced RM 80 and above. I wished I had a body frame which was ordinary like most people. I wish I could fit into all types of clothes so that I would not need to worry so much about not having suitable clothes to wear. I feel frustrated when I have to think of clothes. If one were to ask me about what I disliked about being pregnant, my appearance would definitely top the list. I dislike to look at myself in the mirror these days. I dislike my size and the way I dress. I look forward to delivery so that I can wear back my old clothes again and lose the extra pounds and feel good about myself again.

Other than my appearance, I think i ought to be grateful that my pregnancy has not given me much problem. I have been pretty healthy, did not need to see any doctors other than for my usual monthly check-up and on a whole, i think i have been eating pretty well (without indulging too much due to cravings). Of course I do experience the effects of pregnancy like tiredness and aches and pains but which expecting mother would not need to go through that? It is just part and parcel of being pregnant and i accept it.

Though we are eight months pregnant, I have to say both Leslie and myself are not fully ready for the child yet. Firstly, we have not found a confinement lady. Secondly, there's no permanent helper to help us yet. We are waiting for Sokha's replacement to come but I am not sure if she will arrive before the baby. Neighbors have been helpful but more in the aspect of offering advice. One neighbor gave me a few recipe's (really good ones) to be used during confinement. (She did not have any confinement lady when she delivered her children and actually looked after herself, hence she is pretty confident that I can do the same), another neighbor offered me phone numbers of confinement ladies but we opted not to consider them due to extravagant charges. So far, we have only bought 1 item for the baby which is a stroller and we hope to shop for more items during the upcoming baby fair in two weeks time. Having a baby is surely not cheap. We need to put aside a few thousands to prepare for its arrival.

Well I hope all will turn out fine and i pray that our little junior will be a healthy child and that we can like other families, grow in love, peace and harmony.

Today was my medical check up at the Klinik Kesihatan. I was initially worried as I thought I had gained more than 3 kg (as reported by the unreliable weighing scale at home). I was scolded by the nurse last month for the sudden weight gain and I was not looking forward to be scolded again this time. Thankfully, the scale at the clinic revealed that i had only gained 1 kg (pretty little for someone who is in her 3rd trimester).

The nurse told me that everything seemed normal and that my hemoglobin readings had improved. Hence, she encouraged me to stop the iron supplement (which i would gladly do due to 2 reasons. 1st. It did not taste nice and 2ndly i read that too much of Iron will lead to some side effects in health). As I'm now in my 3rd trimester, my check up at the clinic will be more regular. i will need to go for check up every once in two weeks and I now need to keep track of my baby's movement. So I need to carry my pink book with me all the time and make a tick whenever I feel the baby move. It's going to be a little troublesome but I believe I will soon get use to it. The nurse also told me that i need to increase my milk intake so that I will not get cramps on my leg in the night. She said those cramps are cause by the lack of calcium.

I am a fat expecting mother and I am overweight for sure. I am trying to push myself to do some exercise so that I will have the stamina to PUSH when it's time to deliver. Besides, I know what it feels like to grow up being fat, hence I don't want my child to go through what I went through during my teenage years. Now, I must control my weight and God willing, everything will be alright.

Serving others seems to be ideal. But then again, I think I have my limitations. To me, I think I can only serve others when I can cope with things. I can't serve others when I don't even have time for myself to do the necessary important matters. For me important matters include getting my own life in order, making sure that I don't have a pile of things waiting for me to clear. I don't want to be stressed out because I am constantly getting errants done leaving no time to relax and breathe. I enjoy certain moments when I can just lie on my bed and relax, not having to think of a single task.

Of late, relaxing has not been an option. I wake up in the morning with errants running in my head. I don't sleep well because I am constantly reminded that I have things to settle before I go to work. So I drag myself out from bed even though I still could do with some extra sleep and walk down the stairs to get what I have to do done. I try to enjoy whatever i am doing but then again, time does not wait. I realise that I'll be late for work if I do not hurry and suddenly, I feel pressured. And so, I rush to prepare for work and drive to work in a stress mode for fear that I won't be able to clock in on time. When I reach my work place, I breathe with a sigh of relieve, knowing that I made it on time. When I reach home after work, I can't afford to sit on the sofa because there's errants awaiting me. I have stopped enjoying the tv programmes because there's no time for it. When I get the errants done, it's already time to sleep. I feel as though I'm like a robot. A very task oriented one. And so I lack of emotions these days. I seldom sit down and look at the greens in the garden anymore.

So I often get irritated when people promise on my behalf that I can get certain things done. Because I don't think I am currently in a condition whereby i can be generous enough to run favours for others because I myself do not even have the time to get my own agendas done. TO add on, I am expecting a child and I want to prepare for the arrival of the child. I don't want to have a child in a messy environment whereby things are not in order and I end up feeling stressed, worst still, to have pre-natal depression. I plan to enjoy motherhood in a normal way and not have people sympathizing over my condition. The problem is, some people just are not sensitive enough to understand these concerns. Some people tend to see things in a very simple manner. Perhaps they lack exposure to realize that.

I lost my tooth today! I am saddened by the fact that I lost it. I was having massive pain on my upper right molar for 4 days and finally I had the time to see the dentist (Lee Fah) today. She took a look at my tooth and gave me a sympathetic look.
Lee Fah: "Jenn ah, your tooth has cracked. It's a very long crack. I think it's gone."
Me: "You mean I can't do anything about it anymore?"
Lee Fah:"I'm afraid so"
Me: "Are you saying I need to extract it?"

So, I got the very unexpected done today. I got my tooth extracted. Honestly, I thought the whole process was worse than what I went through when I extracted my wisdom tooth. i think she took almost 15 minutes to get it done. Reason being, my tooth broke into 3! That shows how bad the crack was. I don't like the fact that I don't have a perfect set of teeth anymore. I don't like the fact that I am going to get an artificial tooth. I also don't like the fact that I'll be spending a bomb on my tooth next year. My other concern was that this whole dental adventure may have a effect on my pregnancy. I hope my child will not be effected. My upper right gum really hurts right now and I cannot take any pain killer other than panadol.

After leaving the clinic, I went to Tesco to do buy some grocery. The experience was HORRIBLE. It was a MISTAKE to go there. While I was getting some things, my gum started to hurt. I thought I could bear the pain so I just made it a point to get all that I wanted to buy as fast as I could. The pain got worse and I headed to the counter to pay (since I did not want my efforts to be wasted). Most of the counters were closed. I was unfortunate enough to Que behind this REALLY SLOW guy. He was REALLY SLOW and had so much to buy. He took his own sweet time to take the things out one by one from the very full cart and took his own sweet time to pack the goods and put them back in the cart. My gosh my patience was tested to the brim. Then suddenly, while I waited, I started to feel uncomfortable inside. I felt like vomiting and dizzy and I started to sweat. I really felt like sitting down on the floor but I told myself that I had gone this far hence I should finish my task. The feeling was horrible. I called Lee Fah to ask why I was feeling this way and she told me that I should have gone home straight to rest as I was expecting and it was natural that I would feel a little sick. Goodness me. It was Horrible......so today was a really bad day for me. I know everyone is sad about Steve Jobs' death for me but for now, I don't care because my gums hurt so badly.

After sending her to the airport about a month ago, we went to LCCT last night to pick Sokha. We waited for more than an hour only to discover that she did not board the plane. I was upset alright, but at the same time not surprised. After all that has happened for the past few months, we expected her to disappoint us in this manner. What made me angry was that she did not bother to even tell us that she did not want to return. We would have accepted it if she had just at least informed us. In fact, it was she who asked to come back and work. We were prepared to let her go and find another domestic helper. But she begged and said that she needed the money and asked us to keep her. So much for the crocodile tears and tales, she finally proved to me that I had not misjudged her.

The consequence of the event is that my mom is now partially neglected. She is left alone at home when we go to work. The good thing about my current job is that I work on shifts. Hence, I still can prepare her meals (most of the time) and leave it on the table for her so that she can help herself. This new arrangement is working but it is not a very good plan. Reason being I'll be delivering in 3 months time and I won't be able to be her caregiver during confinement as I myself will need assistance. The other problem is that we will have a baby in the house in three months time and the baby would need to be cared for. Hence, we would still need to find a caregiver that is able to do both. My mom for now actually still can clean and bathe on her own. Hence the helper's role is mainly to prepare her meals and make sure that she does not fall. Why are we adamant about getting a helper to be in the house? Because I think it saves cost and at the same time everyone can remain happy. I've observed nursing homes function and I've seen how overworked workers dump their stress on the occupants. I've heard of scary babysitters who neglect the child they have been paid to care for. Hence if we employ a caregiver to come and work at our home, we believe the person will do a better job and be happier. Besides, my mom will be able to also look out for her grandchild and make sure that its not being ill treated by the caregiver. The question now is, how do we find a solution within such a short period of time? As for Sokha, i think I would prefer to let her be history and not talk about her anymore because speaking of her will only upset us all.....

I'm in my sixth month of pregnancy and I experienced a sudden weight gain. It is actually pretty disturbing. What did I do wrong? I can't figure out an accurate answer. Is it the cakes that I've been eating? The extra slices of bread I had for breakfast? The brown rice that we are now eating? Sigh......it's disturbing. I seldom take supper unless when I'm working. That too, i only take snacks and not heavy meals. The nurse has instructed that I take another glucose test which I took this morning. The experience was horrible. I had to fast and drink a glass full of very thick syrup (so thick that it was a little bitter) and wait for two hours without consuming any water or food before I had my blood drawn to test if I was diabetic. I will not know the results until my next medical appointment which is 3 weeks from now. I am worried that I will have diabetes because that will lead to many other risk for myself as well as the baby. The constant heartburn continues from time to time. I've searched for remedies but there seem to be none as the solutions that are available are not appropriate for pregnant women.
Today, while waiting in clinic, the nurse shared with us about birth control. The government is advocating healthy pregnancies and is highly recommending that women space out their pregnancies by at least two years. The nurse shared with us on family planning methods and to be honest, none of the suggested methods were useful for me as it is wrong for Catholics to use them. Among the suggestions were the use of condoms, birth control pills, vasectomy, birth control implant.....just to name a few. Two things ran in my head as I listened. Firstly, i felt disgusted when some shared on the different options. Some shared about what they do to prevent pregnancies. They were honest and open but I felt it was inappropriate to share such a personal encounter with strangers. Secondly, how about Catholics who are not aware of the Church's teachings? I'm sure they would listen and accept all the method's that is being suggested and practice them. Would that not be a sin then? Before we dismissed, the nurse reminded us to discuss with our husbands on which birth control method to opt for. I was truly uncomfortable. Don't i want to have a healthy pregnancy and remain free from all the unwanted aches and pains at the later years of my life? of course I do. But then again, I've been taught that it is wrong to do what I was taught to do at the clinic this morning. Why didn't the nurse teach us about the family planning method that's being promoted by the Church? Getting pregnant to be honest has made me see life very differently. I believe once the child comes, Leslie will also see a lot of changes take place in his life too. Lets pray and hope that the changes will lead us to grow in a positive manner.

I read a note on a friend's facebook yesterday stating that she has been diagnosed with cancer. I am still in a state of shock over what i read. I laid in bed last night thinking over her situation. She is married with two very young kids. I wondered how did her husband accept the news. As far as I'm concern, he loves her deeply and i'm very positive that this news really breaks his heart. How is he going to cope looking after the two kids while my friend undergoes her treatment? They just recently bought a landed property and are still paying for the loan. It must be a very difficult period for this family. I tried to figure out the cause of the cancer but it just did not make sense. My friend leads a very healthy lifestyle. They don't smoke and don't drink. In fact, my friend is a health freak. She exercises A LOT and is always careful with her diet. Yet she has cancer. How could this be? I'm shocked by what is happening to my friend, it also serves as a reminder to us that cancer can just hit anybody, without any signs and symptoms, even when we try our best to be healthy. Scary isn't it?

Recently, someone seems to be giving me cold shoulders. This person is a new friend. I had not met her for a few days and suddenly after she returns, she begins to give me cold shoulders and I don't even know why. Did I do anything wrong? I hardly speak to that person and only say hi and bye and yet I'm receiving cold treatment from this person. What did I do wrong I wonder. Gheez..... people are really weird. As I grow older, I tend to meet really weird people around.........don't they feel miserable this way?

According to the pink book, I am 24 weeks pregnant. Why am I not confident to declare the age of my pregnancy? It is because I lost count of my last menstrual cycle and thus the doctors are unable to accurately confirm the age of my fetus. The pink book is a record of my pregnancy. It carries the details throughout my pregnancy. Every expecting mother who seeks treatment at the government's health clinic will be very familiar with this pink book which looks like an exercise book. It is an essential item to carry with us whenever we see our doctors.

Unlike most of my peers, I think I've been pretty lucky. I do not suffer from much complications throughout this pregnancy. So far, I've not vomited. I have other symptoms and discomforts but I think compared to other expecting mothers, mine is rather minor. Recently, I've been experiencing heart burns. I feel discomfort below my chest, the websites on the Internet tells that this is a normal experience for mothers who are moving towards the end of their second trimester. I do not have cravings but I'm gaining weight pretty rapidly, around 2 Kg per month. It is actually pretty disturbing as I do not want to be obese again.

Am I ready for motherhood? Not really. In fact, I cannot imagine what lies ahead. I don't know if Leslie is ready as well. It sounds simple enough and most of my friends have gone through it but then again, are we ready to sacrifice the freedom that we currently have for the little one that is expected to arrive in January? I don't know. I also am not sure if our finances are sufficient to lead a comfortable life after the little one comes. But then again, I'm sure we are financially better off then many other poor people out there and they seem to be coping well with parenthood, so I guess we should be able to pull through, unless....we start comparing ourselves with other people who seem to be able to afford everything under the sun.

At 24 weeks, how is my baby? Well according to books and websites, it already has all the vital organs and has a 40% survival chance if it is born. It can hear and function like a human and even pee but its skin is still delicate. It's starting to require more calcium and I must make sure that I have enough so that it won't need to share the calcium needed for my body. Am I excited? Well...OF COURSE!!!

After papa passed on, my communication with our domestic helper started to deteriorate. She started to show signs of dishonesty. I discovered this because my working hours were inconsistent and she was not aware of it. Sometimes when I returned home, she was not in the house. I also learnt that she bought herself a cellular phone from another domestic helper living in the same neighbourhood. When I confronted her over the matter, she lied to cover her act. I was shocked and disappointed because all these while, we had praised her for her honesty. I don't know what happened. I don't know if someone had approached her while we were at work and influenced her or she was finally being herself, to be brave enough to reveal her true colours. We began to notice that she lied a lot and often denied her actions.

Today, my neighbour's domestic helper came over to talk to me. I do not know her intentions. I don't know if she came over to speak to me in order to protect herself or because she was sincere and wanted to help. She told me that our domestic helper has been communicating with another person living in the neighbourhood. She told me that our girl had been using her trips to buy bread as an excuse because she always went another direction instead of walking towards the shop. She said the girl has been buying phone cards from the other person and has been making friends with other domestic helpers in the area. (I am not surprise because I notice that she often gets food from others whom she claims to be neighbors)

I am actually not surprise with all that I heard but I felt really disappointed. I felt disappointed because she had promised us that she would not do things that would jeopardize our trust towards her again.

Earlier this month, after making a phone call back to her hometown, she told us that she had family problems and wanted to return to Cambodia. We decided to let her go on the condition that we find a replacement before she leaves. I am currently searching for a replacement and it has been a very challenging task for me. Firstly, it is very costly to bring in a maid these days regardless of their nationality. It costs between 11 - 13 thousand just to bring them in. The salary of the domestic helpers now range between 650 - 1200 ringgit. Having lived with one for 3 years now, I realized that there are many factors which I need to consider when choosing a maid as well. Since I am currently expecting, I need to consider the safety of my infant under the care of the maid while I am away. I need to make sure that she is hygienic and is not reckless. I also need to make sure that the maid is patient with my mother and knows how to cope with my mom. It sounds as though as I am looking for a perfect maid but then again, I think these factors are really important factors, I am going to put the lives of two very important people in the hands of this person whom I am going to employ and I must make sure that they will be cared for.

Do we judge our parents too much? Some of us now live with aging parents who need extra care. No doubt, some parents can be naughty and do things that cause them to deteorate but then again, are we depriving them of their own personal freedom when we supervise them too much? Why do we bother so much. Is it because we really love them or is it because we do not want them to cause further inconvenience in our lives? I think some of us complain do much. We say that they are not helping themselves, they spend too much time watching tv, they are wasting their life away...so on and so forth but then again, how much effort are we putting in to make their life better? Do we even spend at least an hour a day with them? Do we talk to them? I think some of us are getting a little too big headed because we seem to be more educated then our parents. We think we are cleaverer than them. So we become bossy when caring for them. Perhaps it is time for us to reflect on our sincerity.

I've heard of her name a few times in the past. She made some statements on the judicial system and the human rights issues. She spoke up for those who could not defend themselves. I always saw her as someone who was just doing her job right and nothing more. She was one of those who often made statements which I would agree upon. Yet, despite all, I only saw her as another ordinary woman who was doing things right. Uncorrupted but nothing spectacular. Recently, this lady made headlines. She became a household name all of a sudden. She became someone whom many Malaysians knew. Some people see her as a heroine while others see her as a threat, a villain. To me, Dato' Ambiga Sreenevasan is someone who is just doing her job right, fighting for a cause which she believes it. The recent bersih 2.0 incident however made a little switch in my perception towards her, from nothing spectacular to someone impressive. I am impressed by her courage to be adamant in pursuing something which she truly believes in. I do not know if her determination was politically motivated or not but I am amazed by the energy this woman has. She was threatened, called names and yet she stood firm in her mission. Did she not fear death? Did she not worry about her own safety and also the safety of her loved ones? I hope I have the courage that she has someday, to be brave enough to stand up for something that I believe in.

I am expecting my first child. It is a wonderful experience. Of course everyone is excited and I'm glad that they are happy for me. Concerns are being shown upon me, especially on my diet and my health. Every mother would want their child to be born healthy, and of course she would do her utmost best to do things right so that the little one arrives healthily into this world. What frustrates me is that I have certain individuals who try contribute too much in this pregnancy. They tell me to eat things which they think is good for me. I have only ONE stomach and I can only eat this much. Besides, the tongue is mine and there are things which I get tired of eating. The doctor has warned me against taking too much herbs and so has other people, but some people still won't listen and overdo things. Why is it that they don't trust me to look after myself? Why do they want to be stubborn and force me to follow their way when the pregnancy is mine? I am grateful for their concerns but I want to have my say too. I want to have a choice in what I eat. I know how much my body can take, why can't they just leave me alone? I am frustrated because it involves money too and I don't like wastage.

Looking at the traffic and chaos happening out there, I am grateful that I was given three days off from work. I did not request for the off day but somehow, my boss arranged for me to be off. Whatever it is, I am grateful. Honestly, I do not see the need for such road blocks to take place in the city. How can one identify a potential demonstrator on the eve of a demonstration? Do they paint their face yellow or shout slogans on the street to identify themselves? Why must the rakyat have to go through the roadblocks and be stranded in the jams? What is the purpose of such enforcement? There is only 1 reason why I do not want to go near the city tomorrow and that is because I fear the enforcement. I am worried that I may be injured in the situation should things get rough. I fear the water cannons and tear gas, I fear a possible stamped, I fear the safety of the child I am carrying in my womb. I feel all these enforcement is only increasing the rakyat's frustration. Some people may blame the organizers of the rally for initiating the event and cause their routine to be disrupted but I think what the administration is doing is a presentation of its fear. I feel the administration is being defensive and not open to listen to the voice of the rakyat. To listen to their frustration and disappointment, to accept that there is a weakness in the current administration and further improve for the people's sake. The leader of the rally is a learned lady. She shows no signs of violence. Her fellow organizers are respectful people in society, they I believe do not carry weapons. Why then should the administration fear them? Perhaps listening to their words of wisdom may bring the nation to a greater level of success?

The most interesting thing happened to me at work today. A colleague who is not well liked by others actually saved my day at the very last minute. Ever since I came to the editor's desk, everyone has been nice to me except for her. For the last 3 weeks, I found her to be anti-social and mysterious. She hardly spoke to anyone and she always kept to herself, keeping her work very much to herself and never really shared anything with anyone even when she was supposed to. Fellow colleagues often complained that it was difficult to work with her due to this attitude. However, what happened today seems to tell me that I should give her a second chance and try to understand her. There was an error in our duty roster and I had to take up the duty of the editor who was absent. All this while, I had worked under a senior editor. However, today's situation required me to work alone and take charge of two news sessions. As I had never done that duty at all before, I struggled and almost could not finish on time, all of a sudden she approached me and offered to help out. She corrected my errors and even contributed some stories. She was so helpful and it actually took me some time to recover and accept her assistance. I am shocked by what she did and I think her actions actually changed our relationship. She smiled for the first time and she bade us goodbye before she left. I am still puzzled by wha happen and I do not know if she will smile at me when I see her again the next day, but what i know is that today's experience tells me that she can be nice, if I play the cards right with her and maybe I can help to make her more approachable at work in the future.

It's been 4 days since I moved to the editor's desk. The experience has been facinating. I am amazed by how fellow editors manage to produce news for airing every hour. I must admit that I have much to learn. The only downside which I don't really like about my work is that I have to come in at very odd hours. Sometimes I have to work overnight, sometimes I have to start work at 4am in the morning. The working hours are odd and I wonder if I am able to cope with it. I look forward to gaining experience and producing news which I can be proud of.

A few days ago, I lost my patience towards some people because of time. The people who were supposed to replace my night duty came in half an hour late. I was frustrated. I was exhausted and had a whole list of things waiting to be done yet, I had to delay my plans because they were late. To add salt to the wound, they were my friends, so I lost my temper and I did not react positively when they walked into the room. I was upset and I wanted to send the message across and I burst. Obviously, my friends were shocked. I guess they did not expect that to come from me.
Although I knew they were wrong to be late, I was disturbed by the way I had reacted. I somehow had a sense of guilt. I felt guilty of showing my frustration. Till now, I still feel guilty for bursting. I have not met those friends yet and I don't know if they are upset with me or not but I feel uncomfortable that I let it happen.
It is a culture at my workplace for people at my work place to walk into the office late. The culture started because people were assigned to duties that were out of their shift hours. Hence, the department heads allowed the flexibility to happen. However, some people have taken this flexibility for granted, they come in late because they had personal matters to settle. As the number of staffs in our office is big, their lateness do not affect their fellow colleagues during the normal shifts, sadly, some of them carry this lateness with them when they are on night and morning shifts whereby there is only 1 person on duty and the person needs to wait for them to come before they leave the office so that the office is not left unattended. I was told this morning by a fellow colleague that there are some people who came in 2 hours late for their duty and caused other people to wait for them without having any sense of guilt. How could people do such things? I just cannot understand. Even if our colleagues are not punctual, does it mean we have to be like them?

My phone rang twice this morning. It was rare for this friend to call at such an odd hour. Besides, she was not one of those who would call as she preferred to SMS. I tried to call back but no one answered the call. I felt a little uncomfortable. Two hours later, my phone rang again. My heart beat faster when i discovered that the person over the phone was not my friend. I embraced myself for the bad news. My friend Wei Ming had passed on. She died yesterday after a fall in the bathroom. She was recovering from a surgery. My heart sank.

Many questions rushed into my head. WHY? HOW? HOW COME? How did she feel during the last moments of her life? How about her aging parents? She was their only child, who would take care of them? I felt emptiness all of a sudden. I felt like crying but no tears flowed......... Wei Ming was my friend since 14. She was a simple girl and was carefree. I never felt stress whenever I was with her. I could talk about anything under the sun and she would listen. I remember her especially for her laughter. It was so easy to make her laugh. She laughed at almost everything even when we talked about serious matters. Being simple minded, Wei Ming never furthered her studies after form 5. She was not a slow learner. She just did not see the need to further her studies to obtain better qualifications. She was contented with her surroundings so much so that she did not switch jobs at all. She worked as a cashier at the bowling alley for almost thirteen years from the day she left school until the day she died. Despite not earning much, Wei Ming was always generous. She always paid for my food whenever we ate at her workplace. She was the cashier, thus she always paid before I could even ask the waitress for the bill. Sometimes she even paid for one or two of my bowling games, telling me to just keep quiet and enjoy the game because I do not have the priviledge of getting a discount.

Wei Ming's passing is a loss for me. I have loss a dear friend whom I was always comfortable with. I am going to miss her. It hurts to be unable to see her for the last time, to bid her farewell. It hurts to know that I was never by her side when she was sick, it hurts to know that I was not a good friend. I felt the pain when the caller told me that Wei Ming's mother insisted that I was informed of her death as I was her good friend. Rest in Peace Wei Ming. Until we meet again.......

History repeated again today and I just could not believe that what happened did happen. This time however, things are slightly different. Somebody actually said that I made a statement which I did not make at all.

I remembered sharing with a colleague on how I would approach unfriendly colleagues if I ever encountered with one. I did not specifically mention any names neither did I say that I disliked anybody in the office. To me, it was merely a general sharing on how to deal with office politics.

Today, a junior colleague approached me and asked me if I told that particular colleague that I disliked some people in the office. I was surprised. This junior colleague told me that that person told her that I disliked some senior staff in the office. I was disappointed and stunned at the same time. I had trusted that colleague so much and felt so comfortable speaking to her. Now, I realize that she cannot be trusted. Besides, I never told her neither did I tell anyone that I disliked anybody in the office. I sincerely hope that this is happening due to miscommunication as both of us are more comfortable using different languages. Maybe she misunderstood me. Nevertheless, once bitten twice shy, perhaps I really need to just shut up and focus on getting my work done.

I got a chance to speak to Dato' Dr. Jimmy Choo today. It was an interesting experience. My colleague was so excited when she got a glimpse of him, I however was less enthusiastic. Yet, I think I should thank my colleague for her enthusiasm otherwise, I would not have gotten the opportunity to speak to him and shake his hand. Despite his fame, I have to say that I am inspired by his humility. He was so approachable and willing to help. Speaking to him today tells me that success is not that difficult to achieve, all we need is the right attitude.

I walked into the office yesterday and was rudely shocked by what was being reported in a reknown daily. My colleages were discussing about it and I felt totally uncomfortable with what I heard. I being a minority opted to keep my opinions to myself but deep within me, I was upset by what was written in the paper. I was dissapointed that the daily could make such a bold statement and yet get away with it. How can we allow such reporting to be done in our country? How could a reporter write an article based on an assumption and not the truth? Will action be taken against the reporter and the newspaper for propagating false belief and hatred? I pray for justice to be done.

I followed the Sarawak Elections with great interest and I secretly supported a particular party. My observation also made me see how some people cheated in gaining the people's support. Although I am married to a Sarawakian, I do not think I am in the right position to announce my opinion towards the outcome of the elections. I have not stayed in the state long enough to really judge its leadership. All I can say is that the lives of the Sarawakians could be better.

I read today's paper with great interest and one victory which captured my attention was Baru Bian's victory. I only knew who Baru Bian was after reading the articles today. Prior to this, all I knew about Baru Bian was that he was the opposition coalition's choice of Chief Minister should they topple the state government. Today, I discovered about his deeds, I learnt how he helped to natives to fight for their land. To me, his victory is most deserving.

Although the Opposition Coalition failed to deny the Barisan Coalition of the 2/3 majority, I think DAP did really well in this election. Yet, one question that I ask is if the candidates representing DAP really had the credibility to win. Did they win because they were really capable or did they win because the citizens in their constituency was so fed-up with the present government that they just wanted someone else to win. THe candidates who represented DAP were those who were only in their 20's with not much experience, yet they won their seats with big majorities. Did the elders vote for them because they have seen them in action and really trusted their capability? I wonder.

If the opposition wants to win the trust of the people, they must start working hard now. The opposition needs more Baru Bians who would serve the people CONSISTENTLY with great sincerity. There's a lot to be done in Sarawak, hence there should be no excuse for future want to be leaders to say that they were not given enough opportunities to help to build the state.

Sarawak is a beautiful state, rich in nature and culture yet there are many who live in poverty. Some are contented with life while many are struggling to survive. Some have left the state for greener pastures elsewhere. I hope the elected leaders will sustain and preserve the natural beauty of the state and work on improving the economy of the state.

It's been a long time since I wrote in this blog. Many things have happened yet I hardly shared anything here. I sometimes ask myself where has my enthusiasm gone to? Is facebook ruining my life? I think it is, yet, I cannot resist it and I succumb to the temptations found in facebook.

I'm currently adjusting to a new environment. I started my second part-time job a week ago and am still adjusting to it. I find myself exhausted at the end of the day and I wish I did not have to mark anymore essays. What to do? I live in KL, things are expensive here and we are just starting to build a family and there's extra expenditure involved, thus, I need to force myself to do a little more to contribute my part and lighten my husband's financial burden.

I find my new job interesting and I can sense that I will eventually find fulfilment in it. I was recruited to be a radio news editor but since I lack in experience, they have assigned me to be a news reporter for the time being. I follow senior reporters to functions and events and learn how to write a news report for the event. It looks easy but for a beginner like me, the task is not that easy as I'm not familiar with the reporting language. However, the enthusiasm which I see in my colleagues motivates me. I see fulfilment in their faces whenever they hear their reports being read in the news. I seek to achieve that kind of fulfilment someday although I do not plan to retire as a reporter. I still want to be a news editor. I'm glad that I'm taking this new challenge =)

It's been 24 days since papa left us and life is back to how it was before papa's passing. The only difference is that there are now four people in the house instead of five and that papa's bed is no longer in the common area of the house. Despite his absence, papa is constantly in my head. I think for as long as I continue to live in this house, I will continue to think of him every day. I don't know why but sometimes I still shed tears whenever I think of him. For example, I went to TM today to end papa's telephone subscription and much to my own surprise, I had difficulty telling the girl over the counter that papa had died. I managed to hold back my tears but I was taken aback by my own emotions. I felt my nose wet as I wrote a letter to papa's 96 year old friend, informing him about papa's passing. It was just out of my control and I cannot explain why.

TO be honest, I was not emotionally close to papa when he was sick. I did not now how to communicate with him. In fact, our relationship had already become distanced ever since I left home to further my studies. By the time I moved home to stay with my parents, papa was already diagnosed with Dementia. Thus I never really had any heart to heart talk with him, our communication was not enough to create any form of emotional attachment. Yet, I'm experiencing this and I cannot explain why.

On the other hand, mom seems to handle his passing very well. She seemed so relaxed these days. She sleeps well and laughs more. I know what I'm about to say is merely an assumption and may not be true but I believe that God brought papa to Shah Alam so that mom would get adjusted to her new living environment first. I doubt mom would have been this calm if papa had left her while we were still in Penang. Well, God always works in mysterious ways and many things that happen in our life often has its reasons and only God knows why they happen.

A tribute to Papa from a Neighbor

I will always remember Uncle Peter a kind man - calm, soft spoken and warm-hearted. His kindness and your mom's hospitality always made your home a place where your friends feel welcomed.

His kindness (of giving me many song tapes) allowed me to enjoy numerous beautiful hymns and songs of praise, ...not to mention the many times when he and your mum allowed me to play the piano forte in your home when I still could not afford a piano.Thinking back, I greatly appreciate all your tolerance of me for 'polluting' your sense of hearing. :P

I could still remembered him riding his 'lau yar' motorbike with either your mum, or one of you sitting on the pillion behind passing by my house...

And how I enjoyed his hospitality during Christmas, the BEC gatherings and many other occassions.

Oh yes, I will not forget the good old Uncle Peter.

Both he and your mum have brought you up well and turned you guys into fine persons.

I've heard in the past that the soul of the deceased would return home on the 7th day after his death and that the chinese would place white powder on the floor so that they would know if their dearly departed did return. I thought about this belief when papa passed on and wondered if it was true. I also wondered if papa would go home to Penang or here in Shah Alam and my mom said 'of course here lah, there's no one at home in Penang, there's no point for him to go there.
So I got a little anxious after papa's seventh day prayers. I wondered if papa would appear in my dreams and he did not. Instead, I slept more soundly than I usually did and did not even know that Leslie had left for work. Mom told me the following day that papa did come home and she said that there was a lot of people gathering around his bed. I asked her if she saw papa and she said she did not and that the people were blocking her view. I got a little skeptical towards mom's statement. Besides, she also said that she saw one of my brother-in-law among the crowd. My brother-in-law is still alive and thus I concluded that mom was just dreaming.

Yesterday was the 9th day after papa's death. while we were preparing dinner, Sokha confessed that she saw papa early in the morning at 1 am and she ran back to the room. According to her, she was awaken by mom's snoring. It sounded like how papa used to snore and she walked out to check on him, forgetting that he had already passed on. As she walked towards papa's bed, she came to her senses that papa had passed on. Much to her surprise, she saw papa washing his hands and wiping them like how he used to while he was still physically able and he had that cheeky smile on his face. She turned and walked quickly back to her room. She said papa looked happy but it terrified her to see what she saw. Was she dreaming? Only Sokha knows.

While we listened to her, a little florescent green praying mantis rested on the table. It hopped all over me. We tried to take a picture of it but it was blurry. This little praying mantis hopped around on Mary and Leslie too for more than three hours. It was still in the house, resting on the sofa when I went to sleep at around 12. I joked and said maybe it was a symbol of papa and I was scolded for being rude. Nevertheless, that insect amused me because I've never seen an insect behave the way that praying mantis did. It was just too active. I am not saying that the praying mantis was papa, it's such a coincidence to have this insect come during this period of time.

I do miss papa. From time to time, I will shed tears when I think of him. I understand now what is it like to mourn. I'm not sad that he has died. I just miss him.

At 12 noon, 1 Feb 2011, papa breathed his last. He could not say goodbye, he went silently like how he always comes and goes. Papa was never a loud man, he disliked loudness and valued peace very much.

I was only three when papa retired from the police force. I guess I was the privileged one to have him present in my growing years. He bathed me, fed me and taught me what he could. I remembered how upset I was when he told me that God was my Father while he was just a temporary replacement of Him on earth. I remember asking him why then is my mom my one and only mother and not just a temporary one like him. He had no explanation and I got angry. Papa only hit me once throughout this 30 years of my life and my sisters told me that I refused to speak to him for a week after that hit. For years, I was papa's little hairdresser. I combed his hair twice a day once in the morning after his bath and the second one after his afternoon nap in the afternoon. I would sprinkle Vitalis on his head and comb his hair over and over again until I was satisfied with what I saw in the mirror. Sometimes he accepted my masterpiece while on other times, he combed his hair again after I left the room.

Papa had a few expensive hobbies. One of it was collecting popular songs. He loved music and spent his pocket money making hundreds and hundreds of copies of popular songs, hymns, instrumental music, workshops, prayers.....whatever he could get hold of and interest him. He did not allow us to touch or use his cassette player without his supervision because it was his 'little baby' and was expensive. He spent hours every day maintaining his player. Thanks to this hobby, we grew up listening to all types of songs. I enjoy listening to "Keroncong", oldies, 'Theresa Teng', Jim Reeves, Slim Whitman, Nana Mouskouri because of papa's influence.

Although I became less attached to papa as I grew older, papa still had influence in my school life. He used to carry me on his bike to school, tuition, church and so on. Although I often took the public bus, papa was my most reliable transporter. Rain or shine, he was there. He was rarely late neither did he ever say no to my requests for a lift. To many of my school friends, papa was a handsome dad. He often took off his helmet (showing off his partially bald head) and sat relaxingly on the bike as he waited for me. Our teachers respected papa too. He was once the chairman of the PIBG and he was committed to his position.

Peter Vaz was a man whom everyone respected. He was a man who did not interest gossip makers. People respected him for his simplicity and kindness. Financially, he was not rich. He never even owned a car or traveled out of Peninsular Malaysia. He never even owned a passport but people remember him fondly. Even though he was bed-ridden, he still had people traveling the distance to visit him, to call and ask about him, who sent greeting cards. With his pension of RM 700, he raised four daughters, sent three to University, one to the nursing school. With that little salary, he also gave us shelter and never deprived us of the necessities in life.

Papa is not a millionaire but he will be remembered dearly by everyone. I should not be sad. He has lived a good life. He is in a better place right now.

Rest in Peace Papa. Thank you for raising me,and for sharing what you could share.


You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

We celebrated our first anniversary two days ago. There was no candlelight dinner but I was glad with how we started our day. We attended mass in St. Peter's church in Padungan, Kuching early in the morning.It was the 7.30am mass but the church was full (an athmosphere one would never see in the Semenanjung churches on an early Sunday morning). Many people even had to sit outside the church. The church was so alive on that early morning. The choir sang so beautifully, I felt as if I was attending mass on a Christmas morning. After mass, we went for breakfast and then to the market. To some, it sounds so unromantic but I was contented.

Two months ago, we admitted papa to the Penang GH because we wanted to have his PEG tiub changed. His PEG tube was dirty and we felt it needed to be changed. As it costs RM 5000 plus to get it changed at a private hospital, we decided to save cost by going to GH, after all papa was a civil servant and he is entitled to medical benefits. Sadly to say, I was totally dissatisfied with how they handled papa's case.

1. Upon admission, a lady doctor checked on papa and exclaimed in front of everyone that his PEG tiub was dirty. She said it was disgusting and went around the ward, sharing with her fellow medical officers on how dirty papa's PEG tube was. I honestly felt like telling her off. How could a doctor humiliated a patient in such a manner? She did that not only once but for a few days. She questioned us for not keeping the tube clean and confidently declared that she would have the tube changed.

2. 4 days passed and nothing was mentioned by any doctor about Papa's PEG tube. Over that four days, papa was only treated for his chesty condition (ever since papa was confined to be, papa's been having pneumonia and that was what the doctors treated) We asked the doctor in charge about the PEG tube and the doctor told us that they could not do it. We continued to request and on the fifth day, a medical officer told my sister that the surgeon would change the tube but we had to go and buy the tube. We bought the tube and it was RM 650.

3. On the 6th day, we brought the tube to the doctor and the doctor asked us how to use it. (that was the first joke). My sister explained to the doctor how it was done at the private hospital and the doctor made a remark which shocked us. 'Oh, so complicated one ah, I thought we could just pull it out' Two things ran in my head. Firstly, had it been so easy, we could have easily done it at home and not admit him to a hospital right? Secondly, the PEG tube was attached to my father's stomach, how could we pull a tube out from my dad's stomach? If we did that then we could look into the stomach already right? How could a doctor make such a stupid assumption?

4. On the seventh day, a Gastroenterologist spoke to my sister and told us that it was normal for the PEG Tube to be dirty and that it was unavoidable. He added that the PEG tube can last for two years and we should not change the tube that often as it was not good for the patient. TO me, it was a fair explanation but why did we have to wait for seven days to get such an explanation. To add on, we paid RM 650 for the PEG tube and now, it was not going to be used. I should have filed a complain but I did not. I am sharing this in the blog because I regretted not filing a complain. The medical officers were all very irresponsible in the way they treated my dad. They failed to investigate and made their own assumptions. To add on, one of them passed remarks that humiliated us and also papa. How could a doctor do things like that? How can we trust such doctors to cure us? I have decided that I will file complains in future should I meet such circumstances again. There are too many irresponsible doctors around.

We live in a terrace house and there is a neighbor who constantly parks their car outside our house everyday, leaving no space for us and also our immediate neighbor to park our own cars. Even when we have outstation visitors, they will still park their car outside ours despite being aware that we need the parking space for ourselves. And because their car is parked outside ours, we and our guests have to leave our cars at a nearby park and walk the distance. Once, this neighbor even blocked our gate with their car and my husband had to leave them a note. THey did apologized but they continued to park outside our house.

It irritates us to see their car outside our house so much so that these days, we would purposely park our car at that spot each time their car is not around. It is a very unhealthy practice but I noticed that some neighbors have resorted to other selfish methods too in order to protect their own parking space. What irritates us the most is that this neighbor would rather take up other people's parking space and leave their own gate clear. One neighbor blatantly described this particular neighbor as selfish. I can't understand how some people can be so thick-skinned. Don't they feel ashamed taking up other people's parking space? If they can afford to buy that many cars, then perhaps they should buy a bigger house for their cars instead denying others from parking in front of their own house.

We enjoyed all the fuss over us at this time last year. We received tons and tons of smses, greetings, wishes, gifts, praises...etc...etc....etc..... it's almost a year now and we are still standing strong (so far so good).

In this one year of marriage, I've learnt many things about my own husband. I learnt to trust him deeper. I admit that I did feel a little insecure prior to our marriage because he reserved many things from me and that frustrated me a lot. However things have changed for the better. I've learnt to be patient towards his actions (though at times he still irritates me) I respect my husband for the person that he is. Gentle he may be yet he has proven to me that he is worthy to be a family man, a provider. He is not good when it comes to saying the right things but he makes wise decisions that benefits the family. Our first year of marriage was better than I expected. I am grateful to God for all the blessings showered unto us. I pray that the second year of our marriage will be as blissful as the first and I pray that I'll be a better wife and be more life-giving in our marriage. I thank God for the people who walked into our lives and have touched us as we strenghten our marriage.

Today, we received another mail from this 95 year old uncle. THis was the content.

MY LEGACY TO YOU WHEN I'M GONE

THE ART OF LIVING
Do not always take, you must sometimes give. There is joy in giving, even to those you do not like. Seems paradoxical but it's true. Giving in expectation of reciprocation is not giving. Hatred breeds hatred. You hate yourself in the end.

FREE THINKING
You cannot be a good Christian, a good Muslim, a good Buddhist unless you are a good human being. No religion can help you. You have to help yourself.

HEAVEN AND HELL

Is there heaven or hell? Why worry? You can create a heaven or hell - even in your lifetime. Your future is in your hands. You are your architect. Your future depends on your present deeds. That's KARMA. KARMA is life itself. Be a good human being and don't worry whether there is a heaven or hell.
Remember what you have sown you will certainly reap. You cannot escape. You cannot find a way out.

DREAMS
An elephant never forgets. So does the writer. But to err is human, to forgive devine. My memory of those who have helped me is indelible. May they rest in peace.

CONCLUSION
Got the message above? If not, let it be your mantra. GOOD LUCK, SEE YOU AGAIN- IN HEAVEN, OF COURSE, WHERE ELSE?

My mother felt so sad when she read the letter. She held the letter, waiting for us to come home.

Today, I have decided to share a letter written by an old friend to my father. Recently, he has been writing letters to my dad. He is aware that my dad is ill but he still writes. This letter was dated 23/12/10 (the day we left Penang). I'm sure reading what he wrote to dad leaves us with different thoughts. I have omitted the names for privacy reasons

Dear Peter,

I understand you have removed to stay in Shah Alam. Although it is not too far away from Penang, I feel I have lost you forever and cannot say when I can see you again. My youngest son is working in Maybank KL. If you happen to drop in at the bank, please make it a point to look him up and say hello to him for me. He is an officer there and is due to retire in a couple of years upon reaching the age of 55, probably end of 2012.

I am so sorry to hear you are not in good shape physically. Don't give up hope, there's always a silver lining and light at the other end of the tunnel. God bless you as you have always devoutly gone to church. You will be richly rewarded in your afterlife. You can be sure of that!!

Although I find some difficulty in walking ( I cannot walk without a walking stick) I make it a point to go to KOMTAR to strengthen my leg muscles and knees. If I don't do so, I will soon be confined to the bed and that will be the end of me.

I spend much of my morning listening to classical music of the great composers like Beethovan, Chopin, Schbert, Mozart..etc..etc. My brother helped me to listen and appreciate classical music. Among our clerical staff at the police dept in Penang, he had the best educational qualifications. He even passed Latin in the senior Cambridge Exam in Dec 1931. He could have gone to college had my father had the means to let him further his education. My father was the chief clerk in Gopeng, Perak, in the Mines office. My brother was a genius in his own right although he was said to be 'eccentric'. Some officers in the Penang Police praised him for his good command of English. I miss him very much. He was not only a brother to me, he was my tutor in English too!

I am still corresponding with Mr. R.G. He was the OCPD G/Town in the 1960's. He was a very strict OCPD. All officers under him and the clerical staff (especially in the traffic branch) feared him. Can you still remember the names like Anthony XXX ( who I hear was in very bad shape, almost blind. Remember XXX? He passed away many years ago. He was a jovial type and a chinese scholar. Also remember XXX and brother XX? I wrote to him too. He is lame and have to go about in crutches. He likes to talk-non-stop.

Well, so long, Peter. I have always kept you in my mind. I never forget old friends. They are worth more than gold to me!


Yours very sincerely,
XXX
(age 95 +. my target is 100!)

Ever since I brought my parents to stay in KL, I've been overwhelmed with praises. My parents' friends constantly tell me that I'm a filial daughter and that my parents are blessed to have a daughter like me. It feels good to be praised but at the same time I feel that I'm being 'over praised'. It looks as though I'm being noble but is that not something every child should be doing? To be caring for their parents when they are not capable of looking after themselves anymore? Times have changed and we now live in a society where many of the elderly are left all alone by themselves and perhaps that is why the peers of my parents are happy for them when they know that their own child will care for them. Perhaps that is why they are being so generous in praising me.

Sometimes people ask me questions like 'don't you have other siblings? Why are you taking up the responsibility?' They try to convince me that I am the better daughter among my sisters. On surface it does seem so but I'm very sure that my parents are aware that their other daughters care for them as well, it is just that situation does not permit them. For example, one of my sister is already caring for her father-in-law and she also has a child. It is not easy to cope with such responsibilities, how can one expect her to invite my parents to live with her? It would be ridiculous for me to let that happen. Despite her heavy responsibilities, this sister of mine still makes sure that my parents feel loved. She picks my mum up at least once a week and bring her back to have dinner with her family. Is that not love? All of us including myself have our limitations and we do what we can. The strength of another sister compliments my weakness and that is how we give love to our parents. Of course, those who are not close to the family will not see the contributions of my other sisters but that does not mean that they are not doing anything

I feel blessed to have the privilege of having my parents living with me even though I'm already 30. I feel blessed to be able to listen to mum talk about 'those days'. I feel doubly blessed that I married a man who is willing to accept my parents and live with them. I feel blessed that my husband calls my mother Mak and is willing to lend her his ears and listen to her talk, and talk even though the topic may not be interesting, I feel blessed that my husband is not being calculative in the efforts and care that he provides to my parents. Honestly, I will not be able to live the life I am living now if not for my husband. I am confident that I did not marry the wrong guy. He is not perfect but he makes me feel blessed.

YEsterday was a public holiday. Leslie asked if there were any housework to be done. There were many things to be done but I told him that I would prefer to just forget about everything and just enjoy the day and that is how we ended up making PAO. I do not have a name for the pao but it was made of Pork, Shitake Mushroom and Yam.

We googled for the recipe, there were many versions so I studied and few and proceeded. The pao turned out to be ok, edible, better than those you buy in Malay shops (no offense to the Malays but I would never buy pao from Malay stalls because they are not nice at all). If I'm to make pao again in the future, I'd put Sengkuang instead of Yam.

I conducted a lecture today. It was a three hour lecture. Although there's room for improvement, I'm glad with the outcome. I like my students. I was actually amazed by how they responded to the lesson. They were vocal and expressive so much so that it made teaching them so much more easier. I am encouraged by what happened in lecture today. I hope this situation will remain.

I'm starting work today. I'll be teaching in a reputable private university for a semester as a part-time lecturer. I believe that I am very fortunate to get this job. I learned that my degree is not sufficient anymore if I decide to pursue in the education field. I have to do my masters and also obtain a teaching diploma from somewhere. I am sometimes frustrated because I never knew the difference between my degree and a TESL graduate's until I started teaching. I wish I knew so that I do not have to go through the hassle of obtaining a certificate to teach (Which costs RM 6000 for a few months of weekend classes) and even with that, I can't teach in government schools because it's not recognized. Government institutes only provide teaching diplomas for those who will teach in government schools and those who go through such programmes will be bonded for 5 years (including the years of study) Sometimes I feel that it is unfair, just so unfair. I actually have the desire to even teach in a public school despite knowing how terrible it may be if I'm unlucky enough to be posted to a notorious school but the system is not making things any easier. Firstly, I may be sent to study in a teacher's training college that is very far away from home and upon graduation, I will be posted to an interior part of Malaysia for three years. By then, I'd be already say thirty five? How can I provide care to my parents? How can I be a responsible wife? How can we start our family?

I was told by a lecturer at a teachers' training college that many of her students who are training to be English teachers are not competent at all. I get frustrated each time I hear statements like this. This system needs to be improved. I've been teaching at tertiary level because I'm not qualified to teach in schools. Isn't it a joke?

My sister is coming home tomorrow, it is just for a day but I look forward to having her around. Although we sometimes quarrel, I love having my sisters around and I think I'm lucky that my sisters actually make a point to put family in their priority list.

Early this year, I received a call from an ex-schoolmate informing me about the passing of another schoolmate. I was lost for words when I received the news. The deceased had posted in her facebook last year that she was glad to be finally loosing weight, little did she realize that she was actually sick. Her stomach rejected food and caused her to loose weight. When she passed on, she was only 30 + kg.

I do not know much about this schoolmate, I did not speak to her a lot but her death hit me. She was just another young lady who was living her life to the fullest. She traveled, cooked, tried and experienced all that life could offer and silently an illness came and took her life away, just like that.

Her passing reminded me of how fragile our life was. If it could happen to her, it could happen to me and also those whom I love. I feel sorry for her loved ones, for her husband especially. I have no idea on what lead to the illness and how she fought the illness but I hope she was at peace when she passed on. Rest In Peace Mi Ee.

This will be my first blog entry for the year 2011. Today is the 3rd week of January and if I should ask myself if I'm happy this year, my answer would be yes. I do not think that I have experienced sadness yet this year. I guess the main contributing factor is that I do not have much to worry about for now. For starters, I am not working and do not have work stress and I have my husband by my side and that contributes a lot to the happiness that I am experiencing. I cannot imagine how life would be if we are separated again. It is such a joy to be able to see him everyday, to share and to listen about each other's everyday experience. My parents live with us and dad's condition is not improving at all but I do not feel the burden and I believe this is because I have my husband by my side and I have confidence in him that any form of challenges can be resolved because I am not alone and I have him.

I will begin my part-time job next week. I will begin to teach again after a 3month break. It's going to be a new environment and a new experience, I have mixed feelings about it. I fear that I'm not able to live up to the expectations yet at the same time I'm glad that I'm being given a chance to prove that I'm capable.

I look forward in 2011, I look forward to making Bukit Jelutong our home, I look forward to making significant events happen this year.

23Dec 2010 is going to be a historical day. It is the day the movers will come to move my parents to KL. It is going to be a sad day for many of us, including our neighbors. My family has lived in our humble little bungalow that overlooks the main road for 32 years. Almost everyone in Bukit Glugor knows our house, many children have played in our garden, many adults have in one way or another walked into our compound, many people have passed our house and have waved at it's occupants each time they see us. Everyone in Bukit Glugor notices us, even Brandy our dog and everyone will notice the lifeless state of the house after the 23rd.

We are moving out because we, all the children are now married and have our own family commitments and we are not able to offer our parents sufficient care in that home due to different priorities and commitments. My parents will move to Shah Alam with us where we will live under the same roof and be present to attend to each other's needs. Changes have to be made as time goes by and we have been taught to move on. Yet, I cannot erase the fact that who I am today is a result of the past which forever remains in my memory.

I am sad that I don't have a home to go back to after the 23rd. Going to Penang is never going to be the same again. What is going to become of our Penang home? I really don't know. I still want to have a piece of that humble looking yet priceless house in my life, but then again, who is going to look after it? Every time I think of this, my heart aches, I feel helpless.

I'm now clearing my leave. I am pretty free. I now have time to do things that I want yet sometimes, I drag my feet to do the things that I have procrastinated for so long. I guess I have not done those things not because I was too busy but more because I did not want to do it. I feel lazy.

I am starting to be aware that I am wasting my youth away again. I don't like the idea that I have nothing to do. I hope to be occupied again, doing something that I enjoy. I look forward to the day I move to Shah Alam and be united with Leslie. I dislike waiting.

I don't know them but I'm sad that the murder took place. How could they be heartless and take away the lives of people? I watched the wife of one of the victims cry on TV, holding back her tears and breaking down as she cried 'What am I going to do? How am I going to raise our children without their father?' They slit his throat and also the three others' and burnt their bodies into ashes to destroy the evidence. The murderers were prominent lawyers who were respected by many for their community work. It is shocking that such a crime should take place in this country which we claim to be peaceful. The newspaper reported that the four whose ashes were found were not their first victims. Apparently, anyone who got into their way somehow just disappeared and never returned to their loved ones including an Indian national. I wonder how did they get away with the other murders? Did the police take the previous reports seriously prior to this case? It took a prominent public figure, a millionaire's disappearance to discover the evil acts of these murderers.
If this could happen to Kamarudin Shansudin, it could happen to anyone of us. His only fault was that he was at the wrong place, at the wrong time and that he worked for a millionaire who made a bad business deal. His wife will never know exactly what happened to him neither will she be able to see or even touch his face for one last time. All she can do is touch the dust of his remains.

Here are some safety tips for one's awareness
( from my email)
In daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation...

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do :
The elbow is the strongest point on your body.
If you are close enough to use it, do!

2.. Learned this from a tourist guide.
If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse,
DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM.
Toss it away from you.... Chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse.
RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car,
kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy..
The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit
doing their chequebook, or making a list, etc.
(DON'T DO THIS!)
The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go.
AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR , LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE..

5. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head
DO NOT DRIVE OFF!
Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car.
Your Air Bag will save you.
If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it .
As soon as the car crashes bail out and run.
It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

6. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor , and in the back eat
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side... If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.
IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

7. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs.
Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot.
(This is especially true at NIGHT!)

8. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN!
The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern!

9. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic:
STOP
It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted
his next victim.

10. Water scam!
If you wake up in the middle of the night to hear all your taps outside running or what you think is a burst pipe, DO NOT GO OUT TO INVESTIGATE! These people turn on all your
outside taps full ball so that you will go out to investigate and then attack.

Stay alert, keep safe, and look out for your neighbours!

Yesterday, again I caught a student cheating in the exam. Just for your information, I've never considered myself as a policewoman who goes around during examinations trying to catch and get hold of students who cheat. Whenever I invigilate, my priority is to make sure that students are not sitting for the wrong paper, they fill in the right details according to the instructions given and submit their answers before the exam is over and assist them should they need any help especially those first year students who are prone to experience exam jitters due to lack of experience. Some of you may think that it is unnecessary but trust me students always spring surprises. Some can sit in the exam hall and answer exam questions that are not meant for them and only realize it when the invigilators approach them. Some students fill in their friend's ID numbers and details instead of their own. Students are interestingly capable of making the most unimaginable mistakes so much so that as invigilators, we do our very best that such problems do not occur during examinations.

Yesterday, I saw a student referring to pocket size notes which she smuggled in for the examination. When I attempted to take the notes, she held my hand and begged me to give her a second chance. I could not look into her eyes as I reprimanded her. I felt bad. She gripped my hand tightly and told me to give her a chance. Her eyes turned red and I could see the tears coming as I pulled the notes out from her answer booklet. I was sorry that I had to do it. Before I pulled the notes out, I asked myself if I was doing the right thing. I felt so bad as I saw the tears coming. I was aware of the consequence that she may be expelled from the college if she is found to be guilty. I did not want to be the person who made it happen. I do not want her to remember for the rest of her life that I was the lecturer who caught her yet I had to do it. The students who sat near her knew what was happening, it was not just between the two of us anymore plus my own conscience will not free me. I called for another lecturer to help me pull the evidence out and she knew it was all over.

I felt bad over the whole incident. It was the same feeling I experienced when I caught a boy last year for cheating as well. I asked myself if I should have given her a second chance and after putting some thoughts I knew that I did nothing wrong. Firstly, I would never know if those tears that were shed by her were crocodile tears. I wouldn't know if she was sorry or not for what she had done. She could have been just trying her luck on my compassion plus if I did not take action she might just repeat this mistake again and think that she will always be able to get out of trouble again just by crying. She will never learn and may take rules for granted and might even commit offence that are worse in the future.

I was invigilating a group of students the other day. Since I was free and had nothing much to do, I observed the students I invigilated. It was their first paper, it was an English paper. They were weak at it and had trouble answering easy questions. I don't blame their lecturer for their weakness in the language. What could she do in 14 weeks? I looked at them and wondered if they had good or lousy English teachers back in school. The way some students answered the questions was as if English was a foreign language to them.
I remember asking my students once if they had taken English tuition during their school days and most of them said no. When asked why, most of them answered that they did not see it as a need because it did not really matter if they passed their English for SPM. Maths and BM were the more important subjects and thus the reason why they neglected their English.
I am determined to help students improve their English. I know I am not the best person around but I can see myself making a difference there. Shall I take the challenge when I move to KL? Shall I start giving secondary school kids English tuition instead of working full-time in a particular company? I am honestly all geared up to give it a try. I just don't know how to start.

I am offended, I was having my lunch and somebody named A approached me and thanked me for spreading rumours. It was an ugly suprise for I do not know that person well enough to be really bothered about her life at all. Before I left, she walked to my table again and thanked me again for spreading the rumours. It was obvious that she intended to send me a clear message.

I was shocked yet and annoyed at the same time. I looked at the person who was having lunch with me named B and I immediately knew how A thought that I was spreading the rumours because I remembered myself asking B a few months ago if A was dating a guy and I stopped there because B did not know the answer and it was not really important for me to know. Little did I know that B went to tell A that she heard from me that A was dating someone.

What annoys me further is to know that B whom I trust does not see that she instigated the misunderstanding that A has towards me because she did not phrase the words properly and made A believe that I had passed a rumour.I only asked a very simple question out of curiosity and now I'm being accused of spreading rumours of which I did not. B does not see it as a problem but to me it is a problem. To add on, it was 3 months ago when I asked that question and I have totally forgotten about this matter. If A had been upset, why did she not just approach me instead of remaining bitter for 3 months, thinking that I am spreading rumours about her?

I am unhappy, I just hope that there's no rumours saying that Jennifer says that so and so is dating........because I did not start it, I just asked if it was true and that has gotten me into trouble. Next time, I'll just mind my own business. Thank goodness I'm leaving!

I fell down while walking down the steps today. Sabrina described it as a graceful fall. I'm glad I did not land with a painful bump. It's really surprising how I fell. I was carrying a few envelopes of exam answer booklets. It was heavy and it blocked my view. I stepped on my pants and I fell from the top to the bottom amazingly without really injuring myself. It was unbelievable. I just sat on the floor and smiled. Everyone was shocked. A male colleague immediately came and wanted to help me up but since I could help myself, he helped to pick up all the envelopes that I dropped. Deep inside, I felt grateful that most of my students had already left for it would be really embarrassing to have a few hundred students looking at me in such a humiliating condition.

I am actually amused by the whole incident. I guess it has been a very long time since I fell and my leg hurts because it is bruised. I stepped on it during my fall and another colleague stepped on it because she could not stop on time. I am grateful that I did not break my back or injure myself terribly. Thank God, I'm safe =)

Recently, my immediate neighbor retired and she has been a more sociable person since her retirement. She drops by to visit my parents and chat with my mum. Yesterday, my mum informed me that she even fried 'Char Koay Teow' for them. It was a very simple plate of 'Koay Teow' without much ingredients but I think it was a very thoughtful act. My neighbor is not married and I sometimes wonder if she is lonely. Even if she is, I'm glad that she is bringing some joy to mum and am grateful for that.

Uncle Lim is another neighbor who lives in another street. When I was a child, I remembered my mum calling him a 'Kay Poh Chee' because he talked too much. Over these years, mum learnt to appreciate this 'Kay Poh Chee' because he was more reliable than her own daughters, myself included. He visited my parents three times a week and ran errants for them before I came home to live with them. Sometimes he even brought food and cakes from home for my parents. Even though I now live with my parents, Uncle Lim continues to drop by every now and then and has even made himself to be Brandy's favourite uncle because he never fails to bring her snacks whenever he drops by. Last night, I received a telephone call from a very much overjoyed Uncle Lim. He called to announce that Michael Lim, his first grandson has arrived into this world and that I should now call him 'datuk'. I could sense his happiness over the phone. I could imagine seeing him laugh in his dentures. Around this time last year, Uncle Lim was fighting for his life. He had a heart bypass and that period was a very challenging moment for the Lim family. As I spoke to him over the phone, I wondered why did he choose to call me of all people and inform us. It made me suddenly realize that he is just like a family and that we are important to him, so much so that he wants to share his joy immediately with us.

I am going to miss Bukit Glugor...........

I'm trying to adapt to the idea that I'm an adult. Perhaps it is because I'm the youngest in the family and that is why I often find it odd to accept adult thoughts for example saving for the future and also to start building a family.

It may sound odd to some of you but I do have a desire to have a child. I can't really identify what influenced me to have that desire but I'm actually hoping that we will get pregnant soon. I was not depressed when I had my miscarriage but once a while when I think about it I actually feel sad. I feel sad that I lost it and I wonder if we will ever get a second chance again. I have begun to give up on things that I pretty much like i.e alcoholic drinks and also refrain myself from extreme movements like climbing, chopping things, carry heavyweights..........(you guys know lah what kind of unladylike things Jenn is capable of doing) for fear that I would repeat the same mistake again. Am I being a paranoid? I don't know.

I continue to live life everyday like how I usually do but I do hope that you will keep us in your prayer and that we be ready to accept what God has in store for us and do the right things.

I've always loved to play with water but I had three fears. My first fear is that there will be something underwater that would injure me i.e jellyfish or snakes while my second fear is that I would sink and my third fear is to expose my body (to me it is almost naked) when I wear the swimsuit. As a result of these fears, I have denied myself many times from the joy of having fun freely in water.

Early this year, I accidentally tried out a swimsuit which was less revealing. I could accept seeing myself in the mirror wearing that swimsuit and that gave me the courage to give swimming a chance. So, I dared myself and managed to convince my program supervisor to give me a swimming lesson in the college pool. My first attempt was not very encouraging. Firstly, the pool was pretty deep and most of the time I held tightly to the edge of the pool for fear that I would sink. It wasn't so fun and I almost gave up. A fellow colleague found out about my new interest and invited me to try out the pool at her apartment the following week. The reason was that the pool was less deep and more suitable for beginners like me. It was a better experience but I felt like a buffalo which fell into a pool. I was clumsy and often I struggled in the water. Yet I was encouraged.

I continued to try out different pools and struggled in them. I dared myself to swim despite breathing and sucking in water from the pool and choking many times. I was often frustrated with myself and felt as if i had a disability whenever I watched kids play happily in the pool. Sometimes, I was embarassed by my own disability but most of the time, I was determined to be part of the crowd so I continued to try. I guess I should also be grateful that Leslie was also determined to see me master the skill. He created opportunities for us to spend more time in the pool and was patient enough to accompany me as I struggled with the water.

One day, with Leslie's help, I swam 50 metres in an Olympic size pool. It boosted my confidence immediately and from that moment onwards, I dared to go to public pools on my own to learn and try out learning Breastroke by observing other swimmers.

It has been six months since I stepped into the college pool and I'm glad I gave myself a chance. I still continue to swim at the edge of the pool but I now dare to swim at the deeper end more confidently. Yesterday I tried to swim Freestyle. It is pretty challenging but I'm happy to learn it. I love my new found interest and hopefully, I'm able to burn some fat as I enjoy myself in the pool.

My sincere thanks to Maam, CPJ and Leslie for being supportive and also creating opportunities for me to learn swimming. I would not have gone this far if not for these three people. You have helped Jenn to be a more confident person. Cheers

Here's something I got from my sister. I would say it is pretty much true.

The Winner is always part of the answer;The Loser is always part of the problem.

The Winner always has a program;The Loser always has an excuse.

The Winner says, "Let me do it for you";The Loser says, "That is not my job."

The Winner sees an answer for every problem;The Loser sees a problem for every answer.

The Winner says, "It may be difficult but it is possible";The Loser says, "It may be possible but it is too difficult."

When a Winner makes a mistake, he says, "I was wrong";When a Loser makes a mistake, he says, "It wasn't my fault."

A Winner makes commitments;A Loser makes promises.

Winners have dreams;Losers have schemes.

Winners say, "I must do something";Losers say, "Something must be done."

Winners are a part of the team;Losers are apart from the team.

Winners see the gain;Losers see the pain.

Winners see possibilities;Losers see problems.

Winners believe in win-win;Losers believe for them to win someone has to lose.

Winners see the potential;Losers see the past.

Winners are like a thermostat;Losers are like thermometers.

Winners choose what they say;Losers say what they choose.

Winners use hard arguments but soft words;Losers use soft arguments but hard words.

Winners stand firm on values but compromise on petty things;Losers stand firm on petty things but compromise on values.

Winners follow the philosophy of empathy: "Don't do to others what you would not want them to do to you";Losers follow the philosophy, "Do it to others before they do it to you."

Winners make it happen;Losers let it happen.

Winners plan and prepare to win.The key word is preparation.

I sent in my resignation letter yesterday. I've resigned as a lecturer. The end to my teaching career of two and a half years. I never expected myself to come this far. I never expected myself to be an educator and I did become one. It's interesting how we live our lives doing the things that we never expected ourselves to do. Do I regret teaching? Surprisingly, I enjoyed my two and a half years. Of course I did wish that I had equipped myself better in terms of knowledge but it was really a joy to teach. Of course there we minor hiccups with naughty and lazy students but it was not too bad to the extend that I should hate my job. When I think of students, I remember their innocence, their determination, their curiosity. I do love them.

I must say that being an educator has boosted my self-esteem. I have become more confident with myself and yes, I now respect myself for the knowledge that I own. I used to think that I was never good enough. I still have those thoughts but it is not as bad as how it used to be. To pursue my masters and to continue being a lecturer is a possibility but then again, do I really want that for myself? What about the inner desire and passion towards food? Should I pursue on improving my culinary skills? What's stopping me? Is it my fear of failure?

What's next? I really don't know.........it's time to invite the divine intervention to lead me.

I'm kinda upset at the moment. My dad's condition is not getting better and what makes it worse is the bedsore is getting bigger. I've read very nasty explanations about bedsores and I have consulted many doctors who do not offer much solution to healing it. The pictures shown on the Internet are gross and I'm worried that dad's bedsore is going to be that bad. I can't imagine it happening at home. My mom told me before that sometimes, maggots will be found in the bedsores when it gets serious because that was what happened to the many bedridden people that we knew.

It's sad to see my dad in such condition. I don't know if he can actually feel pain. There's no expression in his face, it is like he is sleeping all the time. When I sit down and look at him, I wonder what's in his mind. How does he feel?

I'm also worried if Sokha is able to cope with caring for my dad. I myself am not prepared to deal with what lies ahead. I hate to imagine what lies ahead for the future.

When the semester began three weeks I ago, I felt a little odd because many students bowed when I walked past them. Since I joined the college, I rarely had students whom I did not teach greeting me, what more to bow. However, this semester, it seems to be a norm to have students bowing. It was an indication that this batch of new students had better manners compared to those in the past.
Today, I reprimanded a student for receiving a call in class while I was teaching. I had expected her to be bitter about it and maybe rebel but much to my surprise, she actually came and apologized as I walked back to my room. I don't know if she did it upon her own free will or did her friends influence her to do so as I overheard her friends telling her to apologize to me during class. I was of course taken aback by her apology, yet at the same time I was happy and I respect her for her courage to come forward.
I notice myself being less frustrated with the students this semester. I do not have much problems with them. Even if they are disobedient, they do change after being being told off. I see them improve. To me, it is a good sign and I am happy that this is happening.

The past few weeks have been very confusing ones. I did not know that I was pregnant until I started to experience irregularity in my menses. I went to see the doctor and was told that I was 4-5 weeks pregnant based on the blood test. The problem was that the doctor could not detect the baby from the ultrasound. He told me that there were two possibilities. The first possibility was that I experienced early abortion (miscarriage) and the second possibility was that I was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy. Neither of it was good news but of course to have a miscarriage would be better than to have an ectopic pregnancy because an ectopic pregnancy would mean that I will need to remove a fallopian tiub. Since he could not identify the problem, he told me to return 2 days later for another blood test to see if my HCG readings would drop and if it did, then it would be very possible that I experienced miscarriage instead of an ectopic pregnancy.

After waiting anxiously for two days, I got a call from the clinic saying that my HCG readings had dropped and that I most probably experienced a miscarriage and that I should observe my own condition for another one week before doing a urine test to make sure that I am no more pregnant. I was relieved by the news yet at the same time the thought that we could have been parents saddened me. Was it a boy or a girl that we lost?

I sat down and thought over the things I did on the day I lost the child and I realized that I did everything wrong that day. I rode the bicycle for 2 hours, I had mangoes, I did heavy gardening for 2 hours, I drank green tea and ate raw food.....I just did everything that an expecting mother was not supposed to do.

Perhaps God has His reasons for this to happen. Perhaps it is a sign, telling me to get ready, to make sure that I get myself healthy and prepare for a healthy pregnancy.

Ever since I joined the college, I've been given two subjects to teach every semester. This semester is however different as I only have one subject to teach and the positive side of it is that I save on preparation time and I can fully focus on one subject instead of two. The only setback is that I have to repeat myself eight times, twice every week as I teach this same subject to eight different classes. Sometimes, I feel like a parrot. Sadly to say, sometimes I become less enthusiasted as well because I can more a less predict how the next one and a half hour in class is going to be.

Schools and colleges these days are becoming like a production factory. The focus is to make students pass a certain paper and move on. Educators these days can't afford to commit too much to their students because there are just too many of them. There is hardly any opportunity to sustain a good relationship with the students. Every semester (14 weeks), I have an average of 200 students under my care and I meet them for only 3 hours per week. There are 3 semesters in a year so on an average, I teach around 500 - 600 students a year.

I used to be inspired by my educators in the past but I wonder if I do inspire my own students at all. There's just too little time with so much to accomplish. What is life?

A new semester has begun and as usual, I experienced some first day jitters again thanks to my low self-esteem. I have eight classes under my care and in total I have around twenty scholarship holders from these classes. Let's pray that this semester be good and that my students gain from their lessons with me.

After all that has been promised to Sarawak, the government surprisingly still lost the Sibu by-elections. I wonder why did the people vote against Barisan. Was the carrot dangled not big enough or the Sibu citizens are generally not a greedy bunch of people?
Nevertheless, i am happy with the outcome. The message sent by the people of Sibu is very clear. It is not the money that they want but something else. I personally felt that the government was making too many promises. Why is it that only the people of Sibu were offered all those lucrative benefits? How about the Sabahans and the people in Peninsular?