I'm starting work today. I'll be teaching in a reputable private university for a semester as a part-time lecturer. I believe that I am very fortunate to get this job. I learned that my degree is not sufficient anymore if I decide to pursue in the education field. I have to do my masters and also obtain a teaching diploma from somewhere. I am sometimes frustrated because I never knew the difference between my degree and a TESL graduate's until I started teaching. I wish I knew so that I do not have to go through the hassle of obtaining a certificate to teach (Which costs RM 6000 for a few months of weekend classes) and even with that, I can't teach in government schools because it's not recognized. Government institutes only provide teaching diplomas for those who will teach in government schools and those who go through such programmes will be bonded for 5 years (including the years of study) Sometimes I feel that it is unfair, just so unfair. I actually have the desire to even teach in a public school despite knowing how terrible it may be if I'm unlucky enough to be posted to a notorious school but the system is not making things any easier. Firstly, I may be sent to study in a teacher's training college that is very far away from home and upon graduation, I will be posted to an interior part of Malaysia for three years. By then, I'd be already say thirty five? How can I provide care to my parents? How can I be a responsible wife? How can we start our family?

I was told by a lecturer at a teachers' training college that many of her students who are training to be English teachers are not competent at all. I get frustrated each time I hear statements like this. This system needs to be improved. I've been teaching at tertiary level because I'm not qualified to teach in schools. Isn't it a joke?

My sister is coming home tomorrow, it is just for a day but I look forward to having her around. Although we sometimes quarrel, I love having my sisters around and I think I'm lucky that my sisters actually make a point to put family in their priority list.

Early this year, I received a call from an ex-schoolmate informing me about the passing of another schoolmate. I was lost for words when I received the news. The deceased had posted in her facebook last year that she was glad to be finally loosing weight, little did she realize that she was actually sick. Her stomach rejected food and caused her to loose weight. When she passed on, she was only 30 + kg.

I do not know much about this schoolmate, I did not speak to her a lot but her death hit me. She was just another young lady who was living her life to the fullest. She traveled, cooked, tried and experienced all that life could offer and silently an illness came and took her life away, just like that.

Her passing reminded me of how fragile our life was. If it could happen to her, it could happen to me and also those whom I love. I feel sorry for her loved ones, for her husband especially. I have no idea on what lead to the illness and how she fought the illness but I hope she was at peace when she passed on. Rest In Peace Mi Ee.

This will be my first blog entry for the year 2011. Today is the 3rd week of January and if I should ask myself if I'm happy this year, my answer would be yes. I do not think that I have experienced sadness yet this year. I guess the main contributing factor is that I do not have much to worry about for now. For starters, I am not working and do not have work stress and I have my husband by my side and that contributes a lot to the happiness that I am experiencing. I cannot imagine how life would be if we are separated again. It is such a joy to be able to see him everyday, to share and to listen about each other's everyday experience. My parents live with us and dad's condition is not improving at all but I do not feel the burden and I believe this is because I have my husband by my side and I have confidence in him that any form of challenges can be resolved because I am not alone and I have him.

I will begin my part-time job next week. I will begin to teach again after a 3month break. It's going to be a new environment and a new experience, I have mixed feelings about it. I fear that I'm not able to live up to the expectations yet at the same time I'm glad that I'm being given a chance to prove that I'm capable.

I look forward in 2011, I look forward to making Bukit Jelutong our home, I look forward to making significant events happen this year.

23Dec 2010 is going to be a historical day. It is the day the movers will come to move my parents to KL. It is going to be a sad day for many of us, including our neighbors. My family has lived in our humble little bungalow that overlooks the main road for 32 years. Almost everyone in Bukit Glugor knows our house, many children have played in our garden, many adults have in one way or another walked into our compound, many people have passed our house and have waved at it's occupants each time they see us. Everyone in Bukit Glugor notices us, even Brandy our dog and everyone will notice the lifeless state of the house after the 23rd.

We are moving out because we, all the children are now married and have our own family commitments and we are not able to offer our parents sufficient care in that home due to different priorities and commitments. My parents will move to Shah Alam with us where we will live under the same roof and be present to attend to each other's needs. Changes have to be made as time goes by and we have been taught to move on. Yet, I cannot erase the fact that who I am today is a result of the past which forever remains in my memory.

I am sad that I don't have a home to go back to after the 23rd. Going to Penang is never going to be the same again. What is going to become of our Penang home? I really don't know. I still want to have a piece of that humble looking yet priceless house in my life, but then again, who is going to look after it? Every time I think of this, my heart aches, I feel helpless.

I'm now clearing my leave. I am pretty free. I now have time to do things that I want yet sometimes, I drag my feet to do the things that I have procrastinated for so long. I guess I have not done those things not because I was too busy but more because I did not want to do it. I feel lazy.

I am starting to be aware that I am wasting my youth away again. I don't like the idea that I have nothing to do. I hope to be occupied again, doing something that I enjoy. I look forward to the day I move to Shah Alam and be united with Leslie. I dislike waiting.

I don't know them but I'm sad that the murder took place. How could they be heartless and take away the lives of people? I watched the wife of one of the victims cry on TV, holding back her tears and breaking down as she cried 'What am I going to do? How am I going to raise our children without their father?' They slit his throat and also the three others' and burnt their bodies into ashes to destroy the evidence. The murderers were prominent lawyers who were respected by many for their community work. It is shocking that such a crime should take place in this country which we claim to be peaceful. The newspaper reported that the four whose ashes were found were not their first victims. Apparently, anyone who got into their way somehow just disappeared and never returned to their loved ones including an Indian national. I wonder how did they get away with the other murders? Did the police take the previous reports seriously prior to this case? It took a prominent public figure, a millionaire's disappearance to discover the evil acts of these murderers.
If this could happen to Kamarudin Shansudin, it could happen to anyone of us. His only fault was that he was at the wrong place, at the wrong time and that he worked for a millionaire who made a bad business deal. His wife will never know exactly what happened to him neither will she be able to see or even touch his face for one last time. All she can do is touch the dust of his remains.

Here are some safety tips for one's awareness
( from my email)
In daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation...

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do :
The elbow is the strongest point on your body.
If you are close enough to use it, do!

2.. Learned this from a tourist guide.
If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse,
DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM.
Toss it away from you.... Chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse.
RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car,
kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy..
The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit
doing their chequebook, or making a list, etc.
(DON'T DO THIS!)
The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go.
AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR , LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE..

5. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head
DO NOT DRIVE OFF!
Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car.
Your Air Bag will save you.
If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it .
As soon as the car crashes bail out and run.
It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

6. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor , and in the back eat
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side... If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.
IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

7. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs.
Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot.
(This is especially true at NIGHT!)

8. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN!
The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern!

9. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic:
STOP
It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted
his next victim.

10. Water scam!
If you wake up in the middle of the night to hear all your taps outside running or what you think is a burst pipe, DO NOT GO OUT TO INVESTIGATE! These people turn on all your
outside taps full ball so that you will go out to investigate and then attack.

Stay alert, keep safe, and look out for your neighbours!

Yesterday, again I caught a student cheating in the exam. Just for your information, I've never considered myself as a policewoman who goes around during examinations trying to catch and get hold of students who cheat. Whenever I invigilate, my priority is to make sure that students are not sitting for the wrong paper, they fill in the right details according to the instructions given and submit their answers before the exam is over and assist them should they need any help especially those first year students who are prone to experience exam jitters due to lack of experience. Some of you may think that it is unnecessary but trust me students always spring surprises. Some can sit in the exam hall and answer exam questions that are not meant for them and only realize it when the invigilators approach them. Some students fill in their friend's ID numbers and details instead of their own. Students are interestingly capable of making the most unimaginable mistakes so much so that as invigilators, we do our very best that such problems do not occur during examinations.

Yesterday, I saw a student referring to pocket size notes which she smuggled in for the examination. When I attempted to take the notes, she held my hand and begged me to give her a second chance. I could not look into her eyes as I reprimanded her. I felt bad. She gripped my hand tightly and told me to give her a chance. Her eyes turned red and I could see the tears coming as I pulled the notes out from her answer booklet. I was sorry that I had to do it. Before I pulled the notes out, I asked myself if I was doing the right thing. I felt so bad as I saw the tears coming. I was aware of the consequence that she may be expelled from the college if she is found to be guilty. I did not want to be the person who made it happen. I do not want her to remember for the rest of her life that I was the lecturer who caught her yet I had to do it. The students who sat near her knew what was happening, it was not just between the two of us anymore plus my own conscience will not free me. I called for another lecturer to help me pull the evidence out and she knew it was all over.

I felt bad over the whole incident. It was the same feeling I experienced when I caught a boy last year for cheating as well. I asked myself if I should have given her a second chance and after putting some thoughts I knew that I did nothing wrong. Firstly, I would never know if those tears that were shed by her were crocodile tears. I wouldn't know if she was sorry or not for what she had done. She could have been just trying her luck on my compassion plus if I did not take action she might just repeat this mistake again and think that she will always be able to get out of trouble again just by crying. She will never learn and may take rules for granted and might even commit offence that are worse in the future.

I was invigilating a group of students the other day. Since I was free and had nothing much to do, I observed the students I invigilated. It was their first paper, it was an English paper. They were weak at it and had trouble answering easy questions. I don't blame their lecturer for their weakness in the language. What could she do in 14 weeks? I looked at them and wondered if they had good or lousy English teachers back in school. The way some students answered the questions was as if English was a foreign language to them.
I remember asking my students once if they had taken English tuition during their school days and most of them said no. When asked why, most of them answered that they did not see it as a need because it did not really matter if they passed their English for SPM. Maths and BM were the more important subjects and thus the reason why they neglected their English.
I am determined to help students improve their English. I know I am not the best person around but I can see myself making a difference there. Shall I take the challenge when I move to KL? Shall I start giving secondary school kids English tuition instead of working full-time in a particular company? I am honestly all geared up to give it a try. I just don't know how to start.

I am offended, I was having my lunch and somebody named A approached me and thanked me for spreading rumours. It was an ugly suprise for I do not know that person well enough to be really bothered about her life at all. Before I left, she walked to my table again and thanked me again for spreading the rumours. It was obvious that she intended to send me a clear message.

I was shocked yet and annoyed at the same time. I looked at the person who was having lunch with me named B and I immediately knew how A thought that I was spreading the rumours because I remembered myself asking B a few months ago if A was dating a guy and I stopped there because B did not know the answer and it was not really important for me to know. Little did I know that B went to tell A that she heard from me that A was dating someone.

What annoys me further is to know that B whom I trust does not see that she instigated the misunderstanding that A has towards me because she did not phrase the words properly and made A believe that I had passed a rumour.I only asked a very simple question out of curiosity and now I'm being accused of spreading rumours of which I did not. B does not see it as a problem but to me it is a problem. To add on, it was 3 months ago when I asked that question and I have totally forgotten about this matter. If A had been upset, why did she not just approach me instead of remaining bitter for 3 months, thinking that I am spreading rumours about her?

I am unhappy, I just hope that there's no rumours saying that Jennifer says that so and so is dating........because I did not start it, I just asked if it was true and that has gotten me into trouble. Next time, I'll just mind my own business. Thank goodness I'm leaving!

I fell down while walking down the steps today. Sabrina described it as a graceful fall. I'm glad I did not land with a painful bump. It's really surprising how I fell. I was carrying a few envelopes of exam answer booklets. It was heavy and it blocked my view. I stepped on my pants and I fell from the top to the bottom amazingly without really injuring myself. It was unbelievable. I just sat on the floor and smiled. Everyone was shocked. A male colleague immediately came and wanted to help me up but since I could help myself, he helped to pick up all the envelopes that I dropped. Deep inside, I felt grateful that most of my students had already left for it would be really embarrassing to have a few hundred students looking at me in such a humiliating condition.

I am actually amused by the whole incident. I guess it has been a very long time since I fell and my leg hurts because it is bruised. I stepped on it during my fall and another colleague stepped on it because she could not stop on time. I am grateful that I did not break my back or injure myself terribly. Thank God, I'm safe =)

Recently, my immediate neighbor retired and she has been a more sociable person since her retirement. She drops by to visit my parents and chat with my mum. Yesterday, my mum informed me that she even fried 'Char Koay Teow' for them. It was a very simple plate of 'Koay Teow' without much ingredients but I think it was a very thoughtful act. My neighbor is not married and I sometimes wonder if she is lonely. Even if she is, I'm glad that she is bringing some joy to mum and am grateful for that.

Uncle Lim is another neighbor who lives in another street. When I was a child, I remembered my mum calling him a 'Kay Poh Chee' because he talked too much. Over these years, mum learnt to appreciate this 'Kay Poh Chee' because he was more reliable than her own daughters, myself included. He visited my parents three times a week and ran errants for them before I came home to live with them. Sometimes he even brought food and cakes from home for my parents. Even though I now live with my parents, Uncle Lim continues to drop by every now and then and has even made himself to be Brandy's favourite uncle because he never fails to bring her snacks whenever he drops by. Last night, I received a telephone call from a very much overjoyed Uncle Lim. He called to announce that Michael Lim, his first grandson has arrived into this world and that I should now call him 'datuk'. I could sense his happiness over the phone. I could imagine seeing him laugh in his dentures. Around this time last year, Uncle Lim was fighting for his life. He had a heart bypass and that period was a very challenging moment for the Lim family. As I spoke to him over the phone, I wondered why did he choose to call me of all people and inform us. It made me suddenly realize that he is just like a family and that we are important to him, so much so that he wants to share his joy immediately with us.

I am going to miss Bukit Glugor...........

I'm trying to adapt to the idea that I'm an adult. Perhaps it is because I'm the youngest in the family and that is why I often find it odd to accept adult thoughts for example saving for the future and also to start building a family.

It may sound odd to some of you but I do have a desire to have a child. I can't really identify what influenced me to have that desire but I'm actually hoping that we will get pregnant soon. I was not depressed when I had my miscarriage but once a while when I think about it I actually feel sad. I feel sad that I lost it and I wonder if we will ever get a second chance again. I have begun to give up on things that I pretty much like i.e alcoholic drinks and also refrain myself from extreme movements like climbing, chopping things, carry heavyweights..........(you guys know lah what kind of unladylike things Jenn is capable of doing) for fear that I would repeat the same mistake again. Am I being a paranoid? I don't know.

I continue to live life everyday like how I usually do but I do hope that you will keep us in your prayer and that we be ready to accept what God has in store for us and do the right things.

I've always loved to play with water but I had three fears. My first fear is that there will be something underwater that would injure me i.e jellyfish or snakes while my second fear is that I would sink and my third fear is to expose my body (to me it is almost naked) when I wear the swimsuit. As a result of these fears, I have denied myself many times from the joy of having fun freely in water.

Early this year, I accidentally tried out a swimsuit which was less revealing. I could accept seeing myself in the mirror wearing that swimsuit and that gave me the courage to give swimming a chance. So, I dared myself and managed to convince my program supervisor to give me a swimming lesson in the college pool. My first attempt was not very encouraging. Firstly, the pool was pretty deep and most of the time I held tightly to the edge of the pool for fear that I would sink. It wasn't so fun and I almost gave up. A fellow colleague found out about my new interest and invited me to try out the pool at her apartment the following week. The reason was that the pool was less deep and more suitable for beginners like me. It was a better experience but I felt like a buffalo which fell into a pool. I was clumsy and often I struggled in the water. Yet I was encouraged.

I continued to try out different pools and struggled in them. I dared myself to swim despite breathing and sucking in water from the pool and choking many times. I was often frustrated with myself and felt as if i had a disability whenever I watched kids play happily in the pool. Sometimes, I was embarassed by my own disability but most of the time, I was determined to be part of the crowd so I continued to try. I guess I should also be grateful that Leslie was also determined to see me master the skill. He created opportunities for us to spend more time in the pool and was patient enough to accompany me as I struggled with the water.

One day, with Leslie's help, I swam 50 metres in an Olympic size pool. It boosted my confidence immediately and from that moment onwards, I dared to go to public pools on my own to learn and try out learning Breastroke by observing other swimmers.

It has been six months since I stepped into the college pool and I'm glad I gave myself a chance. I still continue to swim at the edge of the pool but I now dare to swim at the deeper end more confidently. Yesterday I tried to swim Freestyle. It is pretty challenging but I'm happy to learn it. I love my new found interest and hopefully, I'm able to burn some fat as I enjoy myself in the pool.

My sincere thanks to Maam, CPJ and Leslie for being supportive and also creating opportunities for me to learn swimming. I would not have gone this far if not for these three people. You have helped Jenn to be a more confident person. Cheers

Here's something I got from my sister. I would say it is pretty much true.

The Winner is always part of the answer;The Loser is always part of the problem.

The Winner always has a program;The Loser always has an excuse.

The Winner says, "Let me do it for you";The Loser says, "That is not my job."

The Winner sees an answer for every problem;The Loser sees a problem for every answer.

The Winner says, "It may be difficult but it is possible";The Loser says, "It may be possible but it is too difficult."

When a Winner makes a mistake, he says, "I was wrong";When a Loser makes a mistake, he says, "It wasn't my fault."

A Winner makes commitments;A Loser makes promises.

Winners have dreams;Losers have schemes.

Winners say, "I must do something";Losers say, "Something must be done."

Winners are a part of the team;Losers are apart from the team.

Winners see the gain;Losers see the pain.

Winners see possibilities;Losers see problems.

Winners believe in win-win;Losers believe for them to win someone has to lose.

Winners see the potential;Losers see the past.

Winners are like a thermostat;Losers are like thermometers.

Winners choose what they say;Losers say what they choose.

Winners use hard arguments but soft words;Losers use soft arguments but hard words.

Winners stand firm on values but compromise on petty things;Losers stand firm on petty things but compromise on values.

Winners follow the philosophy of empathy: "Don't do to others what you would not want them to do to you";Losers follow the philosophy, "Do it to others before they do it to you."

Winners make it happen;Losers let it happen.

Winners plan and prepare to win.The key word is preparation.

I sent in my resignation letter yesterday. I've resigned as a lecturer. The end to my teaching career of two and a half years. I never expected myself to come this far. I never expected myself to be an educator and I did become one. It's interesting how we live our lives doing the things that we never expected ourselves to do. Do I regret teaching? Surprisingly, I enjoyed my two and a half years. Of course I did wish that I had equipped myself better in terms of knowledge but it was really a joy to teach. Of course there we minor hiccups with naughty and lazy students but it was not too bad to the extend that I should hate my job. When I think of students, I remember their innocence, their determination, their curiosity. I do love them.

I must say that being an educator has boosted my self-esteem. I have become more confident with myself and yes, I now respect myself for the knowledge that I own. I used to think that I was never good enough. I still have those thoughts but it is not as bad as how it used to be. To pursue my masters and to continue being a lecturer is a possibility but then again, do I really want that for myself? What about the inner desire and passion towards food? Should I pursue on improving my culinary skills? What's stopping me? Is it my fear of failure?

What's next? I really don't know.........it's time to invite the divine intervention to lead me.

I'm kinda upset at the moment. My dad's condition is not getting better and what makes it worse is the bedsore is getting bigger. I've read very nasty explanations about bedsores and I have consulted many doctors who do not offer much solution to healing it. The pictures shown on the Internet are gross and I'm worried that dad's bedsore is going to be that bad. I can't imagine it happening at home. My mom told me before that sometimes, maggots will be found in the bedsores when it gets serious because that was what happened to the many bedridden people that we knew.

It's sad to see my dad in such condition. I don't know if he can actually feel pain. There's no expression in his face, it is like he is sleeping all the time. When I sit down and look at him, I wonder what's in his mind. How does he feel?

I'm also worried if Sokha is able to cope with caring for my dad. I myself am not prepared to deal with what lies ahead. I hate to imagine what lies ahead for the future.

When the semester began three weeks I ago, I felt a little odd because many students bowed when I walked past them. Since I joined the college, I rarely had students whom I did not teach greeting me, what more to bow. However, this semester, it seems to be a norm to have students bowing. It was an indication that this batch of new students had better manners compared to those in the past.
Today, I reprimanded a student for receiving a call in class while I was teaching. I had expected her to be bitter about it and maybe rebel but much to my surprise, she actually came and apologized as I walked back to my room. I don't know if she did it upon her own free will or did her friends influence her to do so as I overheard her friends telling her to apologize to me during class. I was of course taken aback by her apology, yet at the same time I was happy and I respect her for her courage to come forward.
I notice myself being less frustrated with the students this semester. I do not have much problems with them. Even if they are disobedient, they do change after being being told off. I see them improve. To me, it is a good sign and I am happy that this is happening.

The past few weeks have been very confusing ones. I did not know that I was pregnant until I started to experience irregularity in my menses. I went to see the doctor and was told that I was 4-5 weeks pregnant based on the blood test. The problem was that the doctor could not detect the baby from the ultrasound. He told me that there were two possibilities. The first possibility was that I experienced early abortion (miscarriage) and the second possibility was that I was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy. Neither of it was good news but of course to have a miscarriage would be better than to have an ectopic pregnancy because an ectopic pregnancy would mean that I will need to remove a fallopian tiub. Since he could not identify the problem, he told me to return 2 days later for another blood test to see if my HCG readings would drop and if it did, then it would be very possible that I experienced miscarriage instead of an ectopic pregnancy.

After waiting anxiously for two days, I got a call from the clinic saying that my HCG readings had dropped and that I most probably experienced a miscarriage and that I should observe my own condition for another one week before doing a urine test to make sure that I am no more pregnant. I was relieved by the news yet at the same time the thought that we could have been parents saddened me. Was it a boy or a girl that we lost?

I sat down and thought over the things I did on the day I lost the child and I realized that I did everything wrong that day. I rode the bicycle for 2 hours, I had mangoes, I did heavy gardening for 2 hours, I drank green tea and ate raw food.....I just did everything that an expecting mother was not supposed to do.

Perhaps God has His reasons for this to happen. Perhaps it is a sign, telling me to get ready, to make sure that I get myself healthy and prepare for a healthy pregnancy.

Ever since I joined the college, I've been given two subjects to teach every semester. This semester is however different as I only have one subject to teach and the positive side of it is that I save on preparation time and I can fully focus on one subject instead of two. The only setback is that I have to repeat myself eight times, twice every week as I teach this same subject to eight different classes. Sometimes, I feel like a parrot. Sadly to say, sometimes I become less enthusiasted as well because I can more a less predict how the next one and a half hour in class is going to be.

Schools and colleges these days are becoming like a production factory. The focus is to make students pass a certain paper and move on. Educators these days can't afford to commit too much to their students because there are just too many of them. There is hardly any opportunity to sustain a good relationship with the students. Every semester (14 weeks), I have an average of 200 students under my care and I meet them for only 3 hours per week. There are 3 semesters in a year so on an average, I teach around 500 - 600 students a year.

I used to be inspired by my educators in the past but I wonder if I do inspire my own students at all. There's just too little time with so much to accomplish. What is life?

A new semester has begun and as usual, I experienced some first day jitters again thanks to my low self-esteem. I have eight classes under my care and in total I have around twenty scholarship holders from these classes. Let's pray that this semester be good and that my students gain from their lessons with me.

After all that has been promised to Sarawak, the government surprisingly still lost the Sibu by-elections. I wonder why did the people vote against Barisan. Was the carrot dangled not big enough or the Sibu citizens are generally not a greedy bunch of people?
Nevertheless, i am happy with the outcome. The message sent by the people of Sibu is very clear. It is not the money that they want but something else. I personally felt that the government was making too many promises. Why is it that only the people of Sibu were offered all those lucrative benefits? How about the Sabahans and the people in Peninsular?

What we read in the papers these days are so disturbing. Why do humans have to be so inhuman. We seem to be the most privileged of all the living creatures yet some humans are worst than animals. Why? Why do we have to be unkind? Why do we have to destroy the lives of others?

I used to think that all those terrible acts that we see on the screen are merely dramas but as I grow older and listen to people share, I realized that the lives of people I know are not much of a difference from the dramatic stories that I see on tv.

I know gossips are bad but of late, the gossips that I hear awaken me. These gossips actually tell me that I should appreciate and be thankful for the lovely people that come into my life, because there are many people out there who are living with people who are worst than monsters. I am thankful for my family, thankful for my husband, thankful for my colleagues, thankful for having good friends.

I am furious. First, the girl is an orphan. It is already sad that she does not have a family. To make it worst, her classmates raped her. Reading yesterday's news gave me the notion that she was raped by a classmate so I thought that boy was just sick and desperate (I'm not indicating that it was ok for him to rape her), however after I read today's news, my blood boiled. It was not one boy who raped her but many boys. They took turns to rape her. She is their classmate. Someone whom they sit with in class everyday and yet they did such a thing to her. How could they?
To add on, the incident took place in their classroom during recess. Where were the rest? What were others doing? Did anyone not sense anything even after it happened? This girl really needs help. If I were in her shoes, I might not be able to trust others again.
Oh, I forgot to mention, they even stuck a pencil inside her. I think these boys need to be canned. Since they are old enough to rape, I believe that they are old enough to be punished as well.

It is nice to have Brandy around. Of late, she has been trying to get my attention and sometimes I wish I could read her mind. A few days ago, as I was watching the television, Brandy sat at the middle of the living room and barked at me as if to ask me to give her some attention. I ignored her and she continued to bark until I put my hand out to ask her to come. She sat next to me and enjoyed a good pat. After a few minutes, I diverted my attention to the screen again. Brandy was not satisfied, she went to her original spot and barked at me again. I was irritate yet amused. I thought she was cute.

Brandy has been seeking my attention often these days. Sometimes, she will come and sit next to me or on my feet while I'm doing my household chores. It feels nice to be wanted even though Brandy is just a dog. I had many dogs before Brandy but none behaved like Brandy so I really wonder if it is natural for dogs to behave this way. Nevertheless, I love my dog. She is a good companion.

I wonder how life is going to be when we begin to live together. I believe I will continue to wonder until the day comes.



Both of us are currently living apart due to our current situation. I do not like the current arrangement but our current condition does not really allow us to stay together. We need to be realistic and therefore we are not rushing into the idea of staying together though we do not wish to prolong our current condition. Everyday, I pray that this separation will not last.



The common question that people ask us these days is 'How is married life'? Often I wonder what they are referring to. Nevertheless I would say that married life has actually brought us much closer to each other. It was after marriage that I truly understood chastity and its importance. I am glad that I never tried to be intimate prior to our marriage. I was of course frustrated with the idea that he never held my hand while we were dating. I was frustrated because I thought that I was so unattractive so much so that he had no desire for me. Thankfully, things are different now and I actually enjoy the change.



Married life is beautiful, he accepts me as imperfect as I am and I do not need to pretend and wear a mask in his presence. I dare to discuss my insecurities with him and this is one of my new experience as a married person.

I had a lovely time at NAAB restaurant at Bukit Bintang with four of Leslie's Iranian friends. They had requested that we as the newly wedded husband and wife have dinner with them. According to them, it was a culture for family members to treat the newly wedded to a dinner and they decided to do the same to us. I thought it was a very thoughtful act. Besides a photo frame, they also gave us (me especially) a box of nuts. They stressed to Leslie that it was for his wife and not so much for him. I was impressed as Leslie only mentioned to them once two years ago that I loved nuts and they remembered till today.

I've never sat at the same table with Iranians before and it was really pleasant. I learnt about the Iranian culture as well as a little bit of the world history and of course the Iranian dishes were delicious. They were cooked using my favourite ingredients namely, lamb, herbs and spices, olive, olive oil, yogurt and nuts. It was a lovely evening indeed and I was a contented lady.

I got a message from a friend yesterday stating that her mom who was suffering from stomach cancer was very much in pain. I did not manage to reply her message. This morning, I got another message from her stating that her mum has passed on.

Being aware of her mother's condition, I had anticipated for this day to come. I'm sure my friend did too as she did share with me about her mother requesting to have her ashes placed in a certain place prior to her passing. Yet despite knowing all these, I am not sure of how I should console her. .......

I am anxious. I've been looking forward for this day to come. Tomorrow, I'm going to KL again, to meet my husband. I'm happy to be meeting him again after two weeks. It's interesting that I tend to miss him more after we got married though our daily routine is still very much the same as how it used to be.
Prior to the wedding, after we got registered through the civil registration, I found it very odd to tell people that Leslie is my husband but somehow right after the wedding mass, I had no problem addressing him as my husband. I wonder what made that change within me.
I'm going to KL, catching the earliest bus I can get after work. I look forward for tomorrow to come.

Last weekend, a friend broke the news to me that she broke up with her boyfriend of more than 4 years. I was taken aback. I do not really know how she feels about it as we communicated through sms but I am sure it's a heartbreaking situation for her. I did not try to probe further because we were only communicating through sms. I have always preferred to talk over such sensitive matters face to face as I think facial expressions are very important in such conversations. She volunteered further details by telling me that he had another girlfriend.

It felt terrible to know that this friend of mine is experiencing a breakup in a relationship. She is such a nice person, helpful, caring, capable and not materialistic. What quality did the other girl have that my friend did not have to the extend that he was willing to give up his long term relationship with my friend for another girl? I just could not understand.

When I shared the news with Leslie, ' aren't we both lucky people?' was his reply. I agree with him. I am lucky that despite the many weakness that I have and the imperfections of the family that I belong to, he still chose me as his wife.

What is fascinating about weddings is that it only happens once in your life and there is no practice or second chance in making it great. Despite all the preparation that is done, the outcome sometimes can be most unexpected.



I have to admit that I screwed up a little here and there prior and during the wedding and thus the wedding became less perfect and there are some things that I wished I had done during the wedding in order to make it perfect. Yet, despite the little faults that happened during the wedding, I have to admit and say that I was a happy bride and I could not ask others for more in order to make our wedding day special.



I am truly touched by the efforts made by many people. I thank my sisters for giving all they can give, I thank my friends for travelling the distance and providing all sorts of assistance, I thank all friends and also friends of my family, not forgetting relatives for contributing their time, generous 'Ang Pows' and for coming. I understood well that I was loved by many on my wedding day and I really do not know how to show my sincere appreciation to each and everyone of them. My maid of honor was the best MC I could ever ask for at my wedding dinner and so were the friends who sang at the dinner. Indeed we are a blessed couple and I pray that we can be life giving to others like how many of you were to us at our wedding.

Love
Leslie and Jenn

It's been 24 days since I became Mrs. Than and it feels good to be married. Things between the two of us have been smooth so far and to be honest, I did not expect it to be this great. Somehow, life after marriage seems to be even better than how it used to be before the wedding. What lies ahead is surely going to be interesting and I pray that we will always find joy in this marriage.

Am I trying to make a comeback? I'm not too sure. I find the comment by anonymous interesting. I wonder what he / she meant about the newer post being better because I hardly spent time on the things I wrote lately due to many reasons.

It's 6 days before my wedding and I'm not in my highest spirit. Too many things are happening. The wedding is not perfect and I do not expect it to be. I just hope things will run smoothly as planned and nobody does anything silly to ruin the celebration. Honestly, my major concern now is not on the wedding but more on what is happening at home. Dad's condition worsened lately and he is now bed bound. He cannot chew his food anymore and yesterday, my sister who is a nurse inserted the tube through his nose so that we could feed him using the tube.

A few month's ago, a nurse gave me a nose swap to check for H1N1 and it was a very painful experience for me. It was so painful that I got angry at the nurse for inflicting so much pain. Dad's tube insertion yesterday was worse than what I experienced. His tube was 10 times longer than the long cotton bud that the nurse put into my nose and my sister had to make sure that it reached dad's stomach and not the lungs so she actually had to take it in and out of him a few times. The tube remains in dad and I can imagine the discomfort that he is experiencing.

Dad now lies in the living room as it is more conducive for his condition while mum is not caring for her own well-being. I cannot understand her actions of late and this whole situation is giving me and my sisters stress.

It is 6 days to our wedding. The common question that people greet me with is 'Your wedding is drawing near, how do you feel'? Honestly, I am anxious yet am not at peace. Pray for us.

My student: Teacher, I had stomach edge (ache) yesterday, I went to the doctor but I did not know how to explain the pain. So I told her that my shit cannot come out. Can or not teacher? Right or not ah?

Myself: You mean constipation? You feel like you need to pass motion but it won't come out?

My student: Teacher, what is pass motion? I want to pangsai then my shit cannot come out, like that lo....

Myself: It is called constipation.



Next Class
Student: Teacher, I saw your body errr.....wah very sexy lo....
Myself: ??????I don't get what you mean.
Student: Yesterday I went to watch Jennifer's body. I like it so much teacher....
Myself: Owh, ok but that is not MY body, so how can you say you saw MY body?
Student: TEACHER WHY YOU WEAR SLIPPER TO CLASS!????
Myself: Speechless...
(Due to the leg pain I've been wearing socks and slippers in the staff room and I forgot to change) I got to go up and take my things.
Student: Take your time ah....we will wait for you ohhhh......


Sometimes, a little humor is needed to make life interesting. Have a nice day!

Since the wedding is drawing near, I decided to inform some friends ahead of time so that they would be able to block the dates and make it for the wedding. My heart broke when I read this reply from a friend.

"Hi, congratulations to you! I'm not sure if I can make it because I'm now looking after my mom. She met with an accident last December"

That message surprised me. I did not know that her mom had an accident and was actually bedridden. She can't talk or eat. Suddenly I felt grateful that despite the aches and pains that I have on my body, at least I am still able to do many things and still enjoy life despite the pain.

My concern is now real. I received my blood test result today and it is RHEUMATOID FACTOR POSITIVE. I have been referred to see a specialist. I'm upset. I remember Auntie Samson and I have always felt sad for her. For so many years, her husband and children had to lift her from the car and sit her near the church entrance because of Arthritis.
I'm not even married yet and I already have it. Why? I just cannot comprehend. Is this a wake up call for me to do the things I have failed to do all these years? That I should not take my life for granted anymore?

It's not gout! My blood tests results are out and my health condition is clean. So what's the problem? I really have no clue. 'Yau Kwai' told me that it could be because I lack certain nutrients in my body. I still have the joint pains. The medical officer gave me some vitamins and told me to see him again in 1 week if the pain is still there.....anyway, I'm glad it is not gout yet at the same time I hope it's not something worst.

Our newspaper man lost his home early this week when bulldozers came to clear Kampung Buah Pala. It is actually hard to believe that Kampung Buah Pala will never be what it used to be again. In fact, I wonder if Jalan Kaki Bukit too will still be there in years to come. Bukit Glugor will be different with that village gone.

Jalan Kaki Bukit is the steepest road in Bukit Glugor, it is almost impossible to cycle up the road as it is too steep. I always had a sense of achievement each time I successfully cycled up to the top of the road without having to push my bicycle. Going up and down that hill was like an adventure itself. It was dangerous yet thrilling. I will never ever be able to do that again because Jalan Kaki Bukit has been sealed by the developer who will soon build Oasis- Condominiums on that piece of land. I'm going to miss the cows and goats that moo as they pass by my house and the smell of their dungs too. Dogs in our area will not have dungs to roll onto and cows to bark at anymore.

It is so sad to see the change take place in our housing area IN THE NAME OF DEVELOPMENT. For who is the development for? I really wonder. How could that piece of land be sold when there were so many families dwelling in it? Machines are going to come in. Our roads are going to be damaged, there's going to be pollution in the air in our once peaceful little housing area of Bukit Glugor.......

Being the youngest in the family, I never had anyone younger in my family to care for. Therefore I sometimes treated my younger friends like brothers / sisters. Understanding a student's way of life, prompted me to spend on these friends whenever I felt I should. Some learnt to give in return in their very own way. "Yau Kwai" was one of those who often gave in return.

I call her "Yau Kwai" because that was what she used to address herself when talking to me. She was different from the rest. She had a lot to give and was often generous at least to me. I liked her, I was fond of her. To me, she was like a little sister. Automatically, I played the protective role in our friendship even though I did not have to and sometimes I go overboard, advising her when she did not need to be advised.

This weekend, she came over to spend a day with me. We had meals together and she paid for my meal for the very first time. Her reason was that she had received her paycheck and she wanted to give a treat. Today, 'Yau Kwai' is no more a student. She has graduated and is a government officer. In fact, she is earning more than I am. After she left, I realized that I should stop treating like a student. I should stop my protective behavior and respect her as an adult. It's going to take me a while to make that change but I should.

I'm done marking! I am so glad that I'm through with it.The past 8 days were terrible. I was tempted to fail many of them but at the same time I knew that making them repeat the paper would not help them to improve their English either. The results proved that we the educators were not miracle workers and that the fourteen weeks we had with them was not enough.

As I marked the written work, I noticed that students were very much alike in their thoughts. The storyline of their essays were very predictable. Where did they get their ideas from? The sample essays sold in the market? I understand that many have poor command in their language but I am disturbed that many of them lacked in ideas. They did not have logical reasoning in their points for essay.

I remembered myself sharing with my students on our Deputy Prime Minister- Tan Sri Dato' Haji Muhyiddin bin Mohd. Yassin once and my students asked me who was that. Surprised by that question I asked my students from other classes if they knew who this man was and only a handful of them told me that he is the Deputy Prime Minister. How could tertiary students not know who their Deputy Prime Minister was? In fact, what do they actually know?

I'm disturbed by it and at the same time keen to create some awareness within them....where do I begin?.....how to make them think and at the same time enjoy it?

I've been having massive pain on both my feet and sometimes my fingers. I believe the injury on both my hands and feet are similar yet I feel the pain more on my feet because I stand on my feet and my whole body weight is on it.

The pain irritates me as I have difficulty wearing shoes.I can hardly try on a new pair of shoes due to the pain. I can't walk fast and even struggle as I walk down the staircase. My movements are restricted and I am frustrated.

Today, I finally found time to go to the government hospital for a check up. The medical officer suspected that I have Gout and has requested that I go for a blood test.

How can I not be worried? I'm not yet even thirty, not yet even married, I don't even have any children yet and I have a great life ahead of me to enjoy and cherish. I can't afford to be mentally unfit. I still want my legs to carry me wherever i go. To be able to run, jump, walk and dance whenever I feel like it. I still want to cook and not feel any pain as I do the things I enjoy.

After spending so much time on the photo session it was natural that we felt anxious over the outcome. We headed to 'Blissful' again the following day to have a look at the outcome as well as to select the 20 photos for the album. It was a difficult task.

The photos turned out to be not too bad but we did not look perfect all the time. I was not fully pleased with the outdoor shots. I firmly believe that the photos could have been better if Chris and Ah Khoon had done more. Perhaps outdoor photo shoot is just not Ah Khoon's cup of tea as the studio shots looked so much better than the outdoor shots. I liked a few shots but sadly we could not have all the shots we really liked as we could only choose 20 pictures and we had to fulfill certain criteria. It was really painful to press the delete button sometimes but I guess we had to do it or else we would have to pay more.

So......our photo shoot is settled. Now we have to wait for the final outcome. Meanwhile, it's time to worry about the other matters, to continue planning for the wedding.

It has been a wet week. I had almost given up hope that there was going to be any sunshine on Saturday. I was however wrong. God was kind enough to actually give us some sunshine, enough for us to have a few outdoor photo shots.

Leslie and I arrived at 'Blissful' at 9am. We were the first to reach. In fact, the bridal house was not yet even open. Mei Ling the make up artist greeted us and briefed us about the whole process of the photo shoot. We had a little discussion prior to that so that she would understand our style and liking. After the discussion, we were brought to the make up room where we were transformed. I actually did not really like what I saw but I believed Mei Ling knew best on what was suitable for me and at 10.30 a.m, the first setback took place when Mei Ling brought in a gown for me to change into. My gown which was the first out of five was not altered as promised and it did not fit me perfectly. The tailor had to make last minute modification on my dress and obviously, the last minute work on the gown was not perfect.

Nevertheless, we left for Botanical Gardens at 11 a.m for the first photo shoot. We had requested to have our photos taken by the beach but Ah Khoon our photographer said that the beach was not the best place due to the weather, the sky was not blue enough for a nice scenery. It was probably a blessing in disguise as Ah Khoon brought us to the seaside after that. Therefore we had more variety for our outdoor background instead of only one as stated in our package.

We knew that photo sessions would be taxing but we never expected it to be so time consuming. At 1pm, we were only done with our first gown and we had four more to go. I got my second shock at 1 p.m too. The second gown that Mei Ling brought in was not what I chose! I began to feel slightly irritated. How could they make such a big mistake? It was ridiculous for a professional bridal shop to make such a blunder. Fortunately, Mei Ling was quick in finding a solution. Damage was already done yet the make up artist and the photographer did their best to make the best out of what was lacking.

The photo session finally ended at 7p.m. We were exhausted but happy despite the setbacks. Thanks to Ah Khoon the photographer, Chris and Mei Ling the make up artists, I would say we did enjoy ourselves. There were lots of laughter together with a lot of first time experiences. During the photo shoot, I was bitten by ants and Leslie stepped on my fingers, I screamed in pain and and had tears rolling down my cheeks thanks to those fake eyelashes yet I would say it was an enjoyable experience and I have to admit that the session brought both Leslie and myself even closer. I had never looked into his eyes so many times in my whole entire life!

If one can afford it, I think the bridal photo shoot is definitely worth the experience. We actually opted for the cheaper package with only one album and I think that is good enough. Bridal photo shoots should be fun and exciting. I feel it should not be overly done to the extend of tiring oneself.

I have lost a piece of document which is very important. I cannot imagine if it fell into the wrong hands. The damage will not be 'that' bad but it would not be nice for others to see as the content is confidential. I'm disturbed that I can't find it and my emotion is printed on my face. I don't look happy but what can I do? I do not know where to search anymore. I've gone through all the possible places.....sigh...is all I can say.

I felt exhausted today. It was a feeling of being 'fed up'. I felt angry yet I knew that I should not be. Those who attended the classes were good students and I should not reveal my unhappiness to them after all they did nothing to make me unhappy. It would unfair for me to be emotional just because I was upset with those who were often absent and failed to submit their assignments.

I am trying to control my temper. It is indeed a challenge. Sometimes I ask myself why should I allow those students to affect me when there are so many students out there whom I should pay attention to. Perhaps I'm doing it wrong.

I spent today with mum. I picked her up from the nursing home early in the morning and we left for mass. It was just the two of us because dad vomitted and it was better for him to remain home. It was actually my first time attending mass with mommy alone. It actually felt nice though it was a little bit troublesome as mum was a little slow in her movements as she is learning to walk again after being sick for so long.

We went home and I prepared lunch while both mum and dad waited to be served. Mum was glad to be home. She had looked forward to this day ever since I suggested to her that we should go to mass together last Wednesday. She disliked the nursing home but we had no choice as I had to work while dad had already gotten Sokha's hands full and she was not capable of caring for two old folks alone at home. Mum has been counting the days for her two months stay at the nursing home to end. She craves for home and I try my best to bring her home whenever I'm not working. So I guess today was indeed a rewarding day for mum and I'm glad to have made her happy.

Ever since I moved home, I feel as though my bonding with my mother has strengthened. I tend to think of her more often and as well as wonder about her feelings and thoughts. I cannot detect what changed my feelings towards my mom but I'm glad it is happening.

I used to envy friends who did not have to care for their parents and were able live their dreams and do whatever they wanted because they did not have such responsibilities. However, i feel differently now. I do still feel frustrated at times that I have to consider about my parent's needs each time I plan to make a major decision but at the same time, I am also grateful that I still have them in my life, to be able to be still experience their presence and company. To watch them grow old and care for them. It is not easy but I thank God for the opportunity.

I had been having pain on my fingers and feet for a few months already. Last month, I told the doctor at GH about it and she said if I continued to have fever with the pain, I should go to the hospital and get a check up because it could be a sign of arthritis. That got me worried because I know how is it like for one to have arthritis and I really do not want to have it before I even turn 30. Thank goodness, the fever left, however the pain of both my fingers and feet remained. Today, I went to the Chinese Physician, curious to know what he had to say. He read my pulse and told me that I am rather weak.

You have not been sleeping enough -I guess so
You are always sleepy during the day - very true
You eyes are dull - true, I've always wondered if it was because I did not use any eye care product
Have you been walking too much? -Yes I do walk, in fact I stand a lot because I teach but then again, why is it that my fingers ache too?
Ah so, your occupation contributes to the aches, you write and stand, that is why.

Honestly, I was satisfied with his reasoning. It was very logical.

I am going to give you some herbs, can you boil them using the clay pot? I prefer you to use that method. I will also add in some herbs to help you sleep better. Don't worry, it's not like those 'sleeping pills' you don't have insomnia, you just need more rest and there's too much 'wind' (toxic I assume) in your body.

So what's your name? (He wanted to fill in my details on the computer) -Jennifer Vaz
How is that written in Mandarin? -So I wrote it for him
Ah? I did not know there's such a surname, which part of China are your ancestors from? - Oh, I'm not Chinese.
So sorry, you are easily one, you seem so Chinese. -thank you, I'll take that as a compliment.

So that was my visit to the 'Sin Seh' It was pleasant and I hope he was right in all that he said. It's been ages since I felt revitalized. I really miss that feeling.

I gave up an opportunity to earn extra yesterday. I thought for a while before telling my supervisor that I was willing to give up three hours of my overtime to a new lecturer. It was a painful decision as I really could do with some extra money and I was so tempted to push myself to work extra hours despite the awareness that I would not perform well in class anymore due to the workload.

I wondered if I was a fool to let go of the money. I wondered if my reason of letting go was because I was just too lazy to work a little harder. But then again, what kind of life would I be living if I pursued on my desires? I won't even have time to spend with anyone, there will be no more social life at all. All my weekends will be used to mark assignments and exercises and I might just end up being a moody lecturer. I would not have anytime to bake cakes and cook, neither will I have anytime to prepare for the wedding.

Today, I got my new timetable. I was glad, I now have some space to breathe, I now have time for students who come in for consultation. I now have time to have short conversations with my colleagues, I now have time to prepare for lessons in campus. Oh! How I wish I lived in a world where money is not a necessity!

My little niece had an operation today. Initially when my sister told me that she was going for the surgery, I was cool about it. To me, it was just another surgery, there was nothing extraordinary about it and perhaps I was very much convinced that the surgery would be successful and that everything will be all right.

As the day of the operation drew closer, I started to feel slightly uneasy that my little niece would be operated upon. I felt uneasy with the idea that this little girl will have her body cut. All my life, I had never been operated upon, neither have I ever been stitched before and I would surely be disturbed if I needed to go for any form of surgery, even if it was as minor as having my gum cut to extract my wisdom tooth.

I wonder how is my niece right now. I wonder how did she react when she went into the operation theatre. Was she scared? Did she cry? She is 7 and I am 28. She is brave.

I am feeling LONELY

Sigh.......

I manipulated the situation and got things done my way. I wonder if it happened because I talked too much so much so that the other party became submissive or was it because I was convincing and my idea was good. After the meeting ended, I felt as if I was a bully because there was no opposition at all towards everything I had said. Somebody told me that I made my point very clear and that it was needed because we were almost heading nowhere before the meeting.

Despite being uncomfortable about the whole situation, I'm somehow glad that what I proposed is going to be carried out. Now we need to focus on getting the project done, living up to it's objectives.

Do we know what we are doing?

Why are we such critical people?

Perhaps criticising others boosts our own esteem.

Sometimes I think we are 'syiok sendiri'

Believing that we are doing good when

We are just selfish people who only care about ourselves.

Question my intentions and I discover that

I am noble because it makes me feel good being the noble one

Do I really care about what others feel?

Perhaps not. I just want to look good in their eyes.

It just feels good to show people that

I AM NOBLE, I AM HOLY, I AM A GOOD CATHOLIC

It just excites me to see myself inspiring people

Are my intentions sincere?

-confession of a butt kisser-

I don't know why and how I wrote this.

I was just thinking of

something and of someone when

I suddenly clicked on to type this on my post.

It was done within 5 minutes.

I am leaving it as it is.

Perhaps I will edit it in future, perhaps I will leave it as it is.

For now, I'm just letting it be.

It is purely unedited, not even grammatically corrected.

Hello People!

How's life been? I believe it's been ages since I wrote any post in the blog. There are a few reasons like, I was busy at work (really busy uh), I was not inspired, too lazy and sometimes....THE INTERNET (which is most of the time the main culprit. I get so fed up trying to get online that I end up not posting anything on the blog.

Time flies when there's much to do in life. I'm surprised myself but I do really love working in this college. I can actually imagine myself retiring in this place but of course it won't happen because of marriage. I'm currently on a semester break which does not really seem to be like one at all. There's lots of paper work and lesson plan to work on. I'm also involved in the college orientation therefore I have some extra work to attend to as well to add on, I have a course to attend this coming weekend (which is so not the right time as Leslie's parents will be down to meet my own parents =( )

I had Fiona and Myd visiting me last week on separate days and it was a delight to revisit Penang with them again. As always, I learnt more about my hometown while bringing them around. I discovered a great place to eat nasi briani and fried oysters and some Chinese food. I also discovered some less pleasant things like 'the Air Itam laksa is not living up to it's reputation' and the ' illegal jaga kereta's are increasing despite reports that the state is clearing them off the streets'.

What a week it has been. More exciting things are expected to come.......I hope to watch 'Sell Out' while it is still in the cinemas though.....

I gave my students a two hour test on Friday. It was to prepare them for their finals tomorrow. As I had a bad toothache, I left them to do the test while I took a rest. When I returned to class, I saw a boy doing his test facing the wall. I found it very odd therefore I asked him why he was facing the wall. He did not answer. He just smiled.

Being a naughty lecturer, I grinned and pointed at his friends and I said aloud 'Hah, you guys must have been disturbing him so much so that he had to move away. You have been bullying him haven't you?' The boys who were already smiling all the way laughed loudly and said 'Teacher! He is the noisy one, that's why we asked him to sit there'

I could not help but smile. These fellas are so childlike, at the same time, I still find it hard to believe that the boy obediently moved his seat just because his classmates told him to.

I'm currently teaching a group of students who did not get credit for their SPM English. I meet them for six hours everyday so sometimes I give them activities such as games to make learning fun.

Last week, I did the 'Answer Hunt' game with them. I gave them a list of questions for them to search for the answer. The questions were related to the facilities and people in the college. One of the question was 'Name five people who are in love'. Of which I expected them to ask among their classmates for the answer for many of them were in a relationship. Much to my surprise, my students did not think of asking their classmates this question. They went around campus asking other students ' Are you in love?'

I was amused when i was told what they did. Having taught in this campus for almost a year, I've never had students who had such guts to actually approach strangers, what more to ask them if they were in love and my students just did it. To add on, the respondents responded positively towards these students, many smiled and laughed when asked if they were in love.

I'm actually very satisfied with the result of the game. I saw them gain confidence in themselves while learning and having fun. The only complain I got was ' Haiyo teacher, so hot and tiring lah'

I am taxable! Another sign of adulthood. and that I have responsibilities.
Some months ago, I announced that I was seriously considering to pursue in my masters. I found myself a supervisor and got all excited about it. It was the first time I gave some serious thought to pursuing my masters and perhaps that thought came too sudden so much so that I jumped on the wagon without analyzing much. It was a mistake. I found myself struggling to come out with a proposal. My supervisor’s interest was slightly different from mine and I could not understand the system and techniques. I struggled for two months. It was not hell but my mind was not at peace. Each time I thought of Dr. G and the proposal, my spirits would go down. Yes, I was not motivated and I dread his calls. I asked myself why the proposal was so difficult to do and I could not really answer the question.
One day, while reading some journals, I accidentally read articles that were related to the language but of a different area of focus. I could easily click and comprehend with the topic. At that point, I realized that I had chosen the wrong topic and perhaps the wrong supervisor and after putting much thought to it, I decided to tell my supervisor the truth. I’m so happy that he received my reasons well.
I feel so relieved at the moment, the burden has been taken off my shoulders, I’m not haunted by the sense of guilt and I do not have to do something that I do not enjoy anymore. I am still working on doing my masters with a different supervisor but I have learnt my lesson. I’m going to think before I jump on any opportunity that comes along the way and make wiser decisions. I have yet to approach anyone but I am not afraid anymore. Somehow, I thank God for letting meet Dr. G.

Lies and the net

BUZZ!!(Friend's name): Tony and Linda just told me to try these red tablets I saw at their place, Acai berry. They get them for $5 and they swear they lost weight, 23 pounds in two weeks. Anyways, I seen them both and wow they lost a lot of weight it really shows. http://darkclap.com

This is a message I received from a friend on my Yahoo Messenger. It is not the first time I got such a message and I know my friend would not send me such a message. When I checked with the supposed sender, she apparently knew nothing about it. I have therefore come to a conclusion that the YM system is not safe (actually all of us are aware that it is not safe) and there is a need to clarify with friends should their messages sound odd and unfamiliar. Someone is using our identity to send messages that may not be pleasant to the people on our lists and yet we are not aware of it. I am posting this note just in case some of you are not aware of such situations whereby people use others to spread lies on the internet.

I took a facebook True age test today. The initial result stated that I am 13 years old. I refused to believe it so I took the test again and the result stated that I am 19 years old. I accepted the second result.

Of late, I've been in deep thoughts again. I am indecisive. I cannot decide how / where do I want to see myself when I am 35 years old. Everything seems possible. I am having second thoughts about my postgraduate studies as I am not sure if that is really the thing I really want to do. I notice that I am not passionate about it. My excitement was short lived and I cannot foresee myself going far in the research. I do not like the idea that I'm not excited about the postgraduate studies as it causes me to have little respect for myself. Thoughts of -why others can do it but you can't? Yes Jennifer, you are lazy. Why can't you be as determined as other people? Jenn, you are just plain lazy, you and your tidak apa attitude - floods my mind. I see people around me getting their masters while I am still a common and ordinary degree holder. I do not like that feeling. I feel useless and hopeless. Yet each time I try to read up something that is related to the research, I tend to loose interest. And this is just the initial stage. I am only working for a proposal, I have not even started with the real research and I'm already having discouraging emotions.

Yes, I am thinking of telling my potential supervisor that I am reconsidering the programme. I do not know how to tell him as it's going to cause a negative mark on my reputation -Oh, Jennifer, I remember her! She gave up without even putting in much effort. Maybe I am thinking too much.

I continue to dream. I am dreaming of what I am going to be in time to come. I know my strengths and I think I am pretty sure of my weakness. How can I maximize my strengths without facing my weakness? I really don't know.........

Maybe the first result is right, probably, I have the mind of a thirteen year old. Immatured....

Recently, something happened. I had a slight misunderstanding with a friend. Actually, I don't even know if there was a misunderstanding at all. It's just that our relationship turned cold after an incident. I asked myself if I did the wrong thing and I asked her too if she was offended by my actions. She did not answer my question and that left the misunderstanding unsolved. It is actually not the first time such silence happened between the both of us. Every time such incidents happen, my heart aches. Why? Firstly it's because I (think) have hurt my friend's feelings (although I don't know what I did wrong) and secondly, the cold shoulder that I get hurts me. It is easier to cope with the first problem and it is more difficult to handle the second problem because the second problem makes me feel as if my friend does not love me anymore and that definitely cuts me deep.

So for now, each time I think of this friend, some sense of joy is taken off me. I do not dislike or hate this friend but I do feel hurt whenever I think of her. I just cannot smile when I see her photos or gifts because it reminds me of the unsolved misunderstanding.

Dogs! It's interesting how they leave impact in your life. Brandy has been with us for half a year now and I believe adopting her was one of the best decisions I ever made. She is cute, naughty and loving and has been a good companion to everyone at home, even Sokha.

Yesterday, in order to allow the grass cutter to do his job, we had to chain Brandy up and Sokha chained her near to the neighbour's fence. Few minutes after that, we were shocked to find Brandy on the other side of the fence. Apparently, she squeezed her way into the neighbors garden and stood there looking confused. She liked where she was but I smelled trouble coming as our neighbor had three dogs of whom Brandy loved barking at. I tried to pull Brandy back to our side of the fence but she wouldn't cooperate. My fears came true when the neighbor's dogs realized that Brandy was in their garden. They seized the opportunity and attacked poor Brandy with no mercy. My felt hopeless, my dog was being bitten by three dogs right in front of me and I could not do anything. My neighbor was not home. Sokha took the stick and hit the neighbor's dogs but it was useless, I ran and searched all over for the right weapon, I wanted to get the aerosol but could not find any, finally, I found enough water to splash at the dogs and they let poor Brandy go.

Brandy is still a pup yet she was brave, she did not whine but we all knew she was in pain. She had facial injury and blood dripped down her face. I was grateful for it could have been worst. Eventually, I had to cut the fence to bring her back. I could not risk leaving her there. Brandy is still in pain. Not a single whine came from her.

(The dogs that bit Brandy)

I get shivers up my spine when men call me ‘Jenny / Jenni ’. I don’t know how to explain it but it just feels weird. It’s like I have a name- Jennifer and in short it’s Jenn. Why do men need to add on the ‘ny’ after the ‘Jenn ’? I don’t mind men who watched me grow up (in other words uncles) call me Jenny but I find it odd having peers or strangers calling me that. Oh well….that’s just some thoughts that came up to my mind after an encounter with a man this morning.
Anyway, yesterday, I went hiking at Bukit Jambul. What made the trip special was to have an old friend joining me. She was the ‘Angel’ on the bike who introduced me to CSS. If it had not been for her, I might not have been active in CSS and might not have even known Leslie. So indirectly, she is someone who made a major change in my life.
It was nice to have met her again after two years, to just chat and share about life. I had fun yesterday even though it was just a simple hike. Penang is special in this sense. I don’t have to meet up with friends in shopping complexes or restaurants. There are so many nice places to go to with nice activities to do with friends and these are the things that help me stay vibrant!
Yes, this is a very messy post I know. My mind is currently disorganized. =)

More than 10 women told me this,

'Jenn, you should start going for facial, you need to look good for your wedding day and also photos'

Yeah I know, I knew this all along. I have had skin issues since I can't remember when. I have imbalance skin tone and color and some parts of my face can be so oily that I look as if I do not clean my face and of course, I'm bothered by it and I envy people with nice skin complexion. Who does not want to look good anyway? I wish I could just use facial cleanser and toner and be done with it but beauticians tell me that 'no, no, that's not enough, you better look after your skin, women must look good one you know, your skin is like this and like that and blah...blah...blah. And after they are done condemning my skin, they will recommend me with bottles of facial products (that's the scariest part) and I would look and them and give them my sweetest smile before they drop the bomb, 'ok, so for your case, this is what I recommend for you lah, you really need these things to repair your skin, all of this cost RM XXX....(which ranges between RM 300 to RM 2000) and after the bomb comes the most difficult part - telling them that I cannot buy their products. Beauticians never understand NO. Sometimes I wonder if they pretend to be naive or they do not understand English. They will push the products down your throat. So, as a result, I fear beauty centres. I have phobia asking for quotations at these centres because I am intimidated by them.

So yesterday, I dropped by at a skincare centre to check out their service. A beautician was trying to convince a customer to use their product. The customer told her 'you know, every part of the body seems to need care, I don't think I have the ability to worry about every part of my body and I think I will just stick to my current package'. Like other beauticians, that girl did not say get it and continued telling the customer to buy the product. The lady got fed up and said 'that's the problem with you people, you just force people to buy and buy, you know very well that the economy is bad enough and not everyone can afford things, why must you force me? Don't you understand NO? I don't print money at home ok! Wow, that left everyone in shock, I wish I had the guts of that lady.

Oh by the way, the beautician who attended to me told me that I needed a RM 3500 package for my facial care. Gosh! There are cheap beauty centres around but sometimes I'm skeptical. I am not sure of the products they use. I don't want to pay RM 60 per session and have banned China products being used on my skin......and this is why Jenn until today has yet to go for any facial treatments.

Who drives a big car?
I have many things in my head these days. There's work, masters (which I have not really done much work on), marriage....and the list goes on. Almost all the things I mentioned above are the things I did not really pay much attention to in the past but are now of importance to me. As a result, I tend to show more interest in these matters.

And so, one of the thoughts that happen to linger in my head is the 'Wedding Car'. Yes, I know, of all the things.....so of late, I've been asking myself what kind of bridal car would I want to travel in. Of course, the ideal is that my own car be the bridal car, but then again, WCN has lost its shine and is not a suitable car to use. As a result, I tend to look at the cars that travel on the road. I tend to look at friends' cars and wonder if they could be used as a bridal car. After a while, I realized that - most of my friends do not spend on cars! (which is not a bad thing actually). I could not really think of a friend that drives a luxurious car. Everyone seems to be loyal to the local industry that produces smaller vehicles. I actually do not know of anyone who has a car which is big enough to be the bridal car. Well, it is not an issue actually. If there's no big cars, small cars can be used too, no big deal.

I still practice the habit of observing luxurious cars and it's drivers and I discovered an interesting fact. The expensive imported vehicles that are parked in the college actually belongs to the STUDENTS while the kancils, kelisas, myvis, kenari, savy and old toyotas belong to the lecturers and other staffs.....hmmmm.....interesting.....there are many things in life that I cannot comprehend......but honestly speaking, it's not a big deal to me.

Why the sudden silence?

I am preparing for marriage, yes I have gone for the weekend for the engaged and we are working towards marriage. Why the sudden silence in my blog? It is not because life is dull and uninteresting. it is just that my present thoughts are not appropriate to be made public. I still continue to think alot, I often do reflections but they are so personal that I don't think it's fair for me to write it down for others to read. I would not be doing justice to my other half. Therefore, my apologies for the long silence

Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate. This post was taken from an email and I thought I'd share it with you....

A Message by George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete... Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.Live a pleasing life to God. - George Carlin

Honestly, I never knew who George Carlin was. The message just so happen to express what I felt after reading an sms that dissapointed me so much.