Silence does not mean I support, neither does it mean I disagree. It sometimes actually mean I am considering the consequences should I express my thoughts. It's been a hectic week for me. I worked for the whole of last week and had some commitments over the weekend. This week, though I worked 3 days only, I felt exhausted. I've been attending baking classes and tried some baking at home too. Besides baking, I've also committed myself to the gym. I have spend some money on the membership and I am determined not to waste my hard earned money by missing gym. Hence the reason why I've been exhausted.

I'm in my 30's. It is supposed to be the prime time of my life. It is the time where most people would move to an upper level at work. To be stable in their life. To be settled down with their family. To own their dream car and own a property...etc...etc.  But for me, I have only achieved I think less than 50 per cent of what I mentioned. At 30, I am still searching. But the journey is not as easy as those in their 20's because I have many commitments in mind. I have to think of my family in every thing that I consider and that includes my actions.

For example, even if I hate my job (I have to say that's not really true), I cannot just quit because I need to think of the well being of my family. My family's well being covers the finances as well as my emotions when I come home from work. If I'm pressured at work, I will certainly bring it home to my family. But things are different if I am not married. I don't think I will prioritise this factor if I want to switch my job. At 30, I am also a mother and a wife. I need to carry myself well so that I do not embarrass my family and be a good example to my son. (This is really not easy). As a mother and wife, I also need to ensure that my family is well taken care of. I must ensure that my son is in good hands when I go to work. I must ensure that his care giver's well being is taken care of so that she can look after my son well. I need to ensure that my family's meals and needs are looked into. If I serve them with hawker's food every day, they will loose their fitness and easily fall ill. My current job is not a regular nine to five job. The odd working hours has its pros and cons. With my family in mind. I am constantly adjusting my working hours so that I can give more to my family. To find time to spend with them and to maximize of free time doing things that would benefit my family. I am still new at all this and I am struggling to cope with managing my 30's lifestyle.

It is indeed not easy to be an adult.It comes with responsibilities and for every single thing that I do, I must think of the consequences. People are not that forgiving to a 30 year old who utters the wrong word because maturity is expected to come from you.While I am writing this, it suddenly came to my senses to wonder, at 30, am I living a life for myself or am I living a life for others? It sounds like I am whining, but I am honestly sharing what I am feeling right now. And I am sharing this, to create the awareness that the life of those whom we see on the streets are not necessarily as rosy as what we think it is.

It is almost 12 midnight and Gregory is asleep. Oh what a bliss. Each time I look at him sleep, the feelings in my heart are priceless. I cannot describe how it feels but I know it is worth more than a million. My little boy is 8 months now and he is becoming more and more like a human. His emotions are becoming more and more visible these days and he is getting pretty good at expressing it. Every morning, he wakes up with a cry but the very moment you switch on the lights, he will blink his eyes, rub them and then greet you with the cutest smile, exposing his two front teeth. As you walk towards him, he will giggle and shriek with joy.

He is a pretty strong boy now and he can stand (being supported) for a long time and can crawl pretty fast too. He is friends with Brandy our dog and sometimes they sit side by side. If Brandy suddenly barks, you can see Gregory shake in shock and suddenly cry in fear. Though I know Gregory does not like it, but this scenario (which rarely happens can be really funny to watch). Gregory has his breakfasts in the garden every morning with grandma and he enjoys looking at all the activities outside. Among the people he meets in the morning is the Kakak next door. She will call out 'boy, boy" and he will pretend to peek at her and smile in delight and Kakak will respond with "boy,boy pandai gurau ya".

At 8 months, he knows how to show his likes and dislikes. Of course, he dislikes being left alone and he would whine each time we put him in the play pen and walk away. He loves to crawl around the house (who would not love the freedom?) and loves music and loves to touch and fiddle with whatever he can reach. But his first and ultimate love is his pacifier which we are trying to stop him from using. He is observant and knows where we hide it and he will crawl towards the pacifier. He will push himself up, stretch to reach the top of the TV cabinet and pick the pacifier before pushing it into his mouth. It is annoying but cute to watch.

At 8 months, Gregory is really fun to play with. Now, this is something positive about being in my 30's. I have a son whom I love so much.

Gregory will hit 7 months in a few days time. Oh how time flies. What are his developments so far?

Speech : Still can't talk but I have a feeling he is going to say daddy as his first word. Whenever he tries to babble, it sounds as though he is saying daddy even though Leslie has been introduced as papa to him instead of daddy

Movements: He is really good on the baby walker. He can walk really fast in it but we try to minimize those special moments as we have been told over and over again that baby walkers are bad for the baby's physical development. At 6 months plus, Greogory can sit steadily. He can crawl and can stand pretty well with condition that he is holding on to something. He still tumbles from time to time though.

Eating: He is a little picky when it comes to food. Our mistake that we introduced sweet food to him too soon. He loves food that are fruit based and often rejects food prepared without fruits. Hence, cooking his porridge has been an uphill task for me and getting him to eat is even more challenging. Nevertheless, he has been eating well for the past two days. What an achievement for mommy!

Behavior: He is a little demanding. When he wants something, he wants it NOW. He cries when he sees people walking away and he is starting to show preference to who carries him. Last week, while we were in Kuching, he didn't like it when his papa was carrying his cousins. Jealousy? Perhaps.

And so, our little boy is getting adventurous these days. Since he can move, he loves to explore. This has kept us on our toes as he seems to be often interested in the most dangerous things we can imagine.Hence, we had no choice but to invest in a play pen. It cost us RM 515 but we thought if we wanted to buy one, it ought to be something that will not end up as a white elephant in the house. So we bought him a lindam safe and secure playpen. So far, it has served us well and I'm sure Jen Jen our maid loves it too. Hopefully, it will remain in tip top condition so that we can sell it when we are done with it and earn some money back.

While we are excited about his development, I guess like any other parents, our concerns have grown as well. God willing, we will be good parents and raise our little boy well.

I looked through the photos in facebook trying to recollect the sweet memories I had of her.  Most of the photos brought a smile to my face. But as I looked at her recent photos, sadness loomed within me. I could not find the sparkle she used to carry in her previous photos. I saw sadness. Perhaps it's just me trying to to think too much. When was it that she was first diagnosed I wonder. When did she find out that she had cancer? A person who is full of life,  who would maximize every minute she had doing meaningful things. That was how she was. She never wasted time. She was always occupied and full of energy. The cancer ruined everything. She was just too young. Why did the cancer have to live in her. She had so much to achieve in life. I wonder how the last few days of her life was like? To know that her hours were numbered. To be too tired to do anything.  She was just 30 plus. Too young to leave this world.  Where are you now? Can you see us from above? Nevertheless, thank you. For teaching me to make the most out of my life. For teaching me to be positive. For giving me the courage to dare to dream. Every thought of you is pleasant, hilarious and memorable. Thank you for touching my life, thank you for your time, thank you sharing a part of you with me. Thank you for accepting me as your friend.

Today was Gregory's first day at his 2nd part-time care giver's (Mrs. M) home. His first day to his first part-time care giver was a month ago. That time, the first lady told us she could not continue to care for Gregory because he was too demanding and she was unable to fulfil her responsibilities as a mother to her own children. Hence, we were left without a person to care for Gregory while we went to work. It was stressful and HORRIBLE.

As Mrs M lives near to Leslie's work place, Gregory travelled with his father to work. They left the house at 6.30 am. It was the first time since Gregory's birth I passed my morning at home without his presence. Honestly, that left me ample space and time to get a lot of things done. I managed to wash the laundry, cook lunch cum dinner, pump Gregory's stock of milk and take a 1 hour nap before leaving for work. It was a fruitful morning yet I was not happy today because I missed my little boy.

I hardly spent any time with him today. When I came home from work today, it was already 9.30pm and he was already asleep. The only time I spent with him was during feeding time. I felt really sorry and bad for my little boy but this is the best solution we can think of at the moment as we are still waiting for the maid to come. Thankfully, Gregory does not need to travel to Mrs M's house every day. He only goes there 3 times a week when I am at work.

Gregory is 69 days old. For some people, they will say: 'Wah so fast, time really flies" but for me, I keep wondering when will his sixth month come. I can't wait to see him being able to sit on his own. He is much easier to look after now compared to when he was just born. These days, he only wakes up twice at night for milk, of course there are still some nights when he refuses to sleep but those nights have been reduced.

Gregory is now pretty talkative, in his baby language, he calls for attention and likes it when you talk to him. The reward for chit-chatting with him is the very cute smile in his face. Sometimes he even laughs and reveals his toothless gums. It is really nice when that happens. He will laugh, and move his hands and legs at the same time.

I bought him two CDs when I was pregnant and I've been playing those two CDs over and over again these days. The songs in the CDs are in baby language and he loves it when I mimic the songs to him. That really motivates me because it is a sign that he has been listening and he recognizes things. Raising Gregory is indeed very interesting, sometimes, i find it hard to believe that I have a son.

Human relationships are so challenging. This is not the first time I am making this statement in my blog. I have said it a few times. Relationship problems often make us feel lonely because it makes us feel as though we are unimportant and unwanted. It feels as though we are not important enough to get the cooperation that we need. I realize that I have problems communicating. I realize that I have difficulty expressing and influencing the other person to listen to my opinion. i feel frustrated that the other person is not listening to my problem. I feel frustrated because the other person is not sensitive enough to help me cope with my challenges. I feel lonely. I am stressed. I am emotionally down. I find it hard to smile, I find it hard to be cheerful, I find it hard to stay positive because I am not confident and I feel alone.

Gregory is 48 days old and I'm getting more attached to him, probably because I enjoy his presence more these days compared to feeling frustrated most of the time. These days, he cries less, instead he has begun to create conversations in his baby language. It is so much more soothing to the ears compared to his crying. He has also begun to smile now and once again, that makes caring for him much more fun. I can't wait for the moment to come when he begins to laugh. His vision is developing well too. He is now able to observe things and movements. Though this development is good, it also makes it more difficult for us to make him sleep because he is now easily distracted. He now notices our presence and will cry should we walk away. In the past, it was easy to make him sleep. All we had to do was to pacify him and he will doze off. Nowadays, he will keep watch on us while dozing off. Yesterday, he cried when we switched off the lights. he stopped crying after we switched on the lights. Hence we had to sleep with the lights on for about an hour.

I bought him a simple baby gym at almost RM 30 from tesco. He loves it. He touches it and looks at its colors. Each time I pick his hand up to press the music button, he will smile as the ABC song is played. I also bought him a set of baby books from the baby fair. It's still a little too early to see him appreciate the book but I like the book very much.

Tomorrow will be Gregory's first day at the baby sitter's. She will be looking after him 3 times a week. I have adjusted my working hours so that I can spend more time with Greg. The baby sitter is not cheap but at least I get to go to work. Hope all turns out fine tomorrow.

Gregory turned one month old on Saturday. He is now 4.8kg and 63 cm tall. He is getting a little too heavy for me to carry all the time and to make it worse, he is starting to have the habit of crying out loud so that people will carry him. If he is left alone, he will wail until someone comes and lift him. Unfortunately for him and for us, there are not many people in the house who can carry him, hence the three of us (Leslie, myself and my mom) are experiencing aches here and there as a result of carrying this heavy little bundle.

Gregory does not like to be left alone. Each time we have our meals, he will wake up and cry for attention. He seems to like company. Sometimes, he would rather not sleep for a few hours so that he can play with whoever around and of course the whoever will either be his father or myself. The nurses at the clinic say he is growing well. In fact, he can now lift his head and each time we put him face down, he is able to push himself to face the side. Of late, Gregory has been sleeping pretty well at night too. He wakes up for milk after 3 hours and sometimes, he is so deep into sleep that I have to wake him up instead. The only problem now is that his appetite has increased and these days, he sometimes takes four ounces instead of three and sadly, my breast milk flow has suddenly decreased after the confinement, hence I am having a little stress on this matter. I am now doing what I can to increase the milk flow and God willing I will have enough to feed him. It is too soon for me to start feeding him permanently with formula milk.

I never expected motherhood to be this challenging until I became one. Not only it is challenging but it also requires sacrifices. As a mother to an infant, I have to watch over this little one 24 hours a day. Even if I am not watching over him, I have to pay attention to his crying, While attending to other needs, I need to listen and be alert to his calls. Every single thing is about him now.

As I have mentioned in my previous posts, we are one of the many thousands who are having a difficult time recruiting a maid. Our last agent played us out. They took our deposit but made us wait for more than 4 months and still did not find us a maid. We have changed our agent. This new agent seems very promising but has told us that the waiting period is around 3 months. Hence, we are still stranded without a helping hand. As such, there is no one to look after Gregory once I go back to work.

We did consider finding him a babysitter but it is not easy to find a reliable one these days. Besides that, my shift working hours will make it very difficult for Leslie to cope with him alone in the evenings. As a result, Leslie has suggested that I stay at home to look after Greg. Of course this would be the best for the baby but not for me. I actually love my job. Taking further time off from it puts me at the risk of losing my job. Besides that, it also means that I will not have much opportunity to meet people. I'll only be facing Gregory 24 hours a day. I will loose touch with what's happening outside. When i became pregnant, I was prepared for the possible challenging delivery. I was prepared in financial management. I was prepared to have a new addition in the house, an extra mouth to feed. But I did not expect it to be this challenging. To have sleepless nights, to be partially disabled, to be confined to home, to lose my job.

Aunty Julie is in the house. So I am on half day leave today, yippie! This is so rewarding. As much as I love Gregory, I appreciate this few hours away from him to at least get some things done.

Having Julie in the house is such a relief for the both of us. First, she helped to clean the house, then she took over the caring of the baby, then she cooked lunch for my mom while we had the opportunity to send Leslie's parents to the airport, then she helped to cook dinner.

Thank you so much Julie for making our day great and for all the consultation on how to care for baby Greg.

Having Greg has taught us many things and we are still learning. One of the things we are learning now is how to buy gifts in future for our friends who have just delivered. Today I will share on some practical gifts that will be much appreciated by new parents.

1. Practicality comes before beauty - We have received a few hampers. Many of them are beautifully packed but sometimes the contents are not necessarily practical thus it leaves a lot of wastage. In fact, the packaging itself is a wastage. It uses a lot of plastic and many of the plastic are of low quality and cannot be recycled.


2. We got a hamper which looked really good but half of its contents are not suitable for usage. In fact, sorry to say, some of its contents are of not very practical (i.e the material used for the t-shirt is very warm) and hence we may not use it for the baby. We have also received a gift from Leslie's supervisor. It was not wrapped and was given in the parkson plastic just as how she bought it. The contents however were very useful. Even the parkson plastic can be reused again, this is what I would call practicality. Though the hamper looked beautiful, we appreciated the parkson packed gifts more because we could use them.


3. Buying clothes - In the market, there are not many new born clothes. Most of those sold are for infants age 6 months and above, hence, we actually don't have much new born clothes. Often the clothes we get are slightly bigger for the baby. Mittens and booties are very important for the baby as it keeps them warm and also prevents them from scratching themselves since their nails are difficult to cut at this fragile stage. Unfortunately, some manufacturers only focus on the cuteness of the attire, some mitten holes are so small that even the baby's hands can't fit into it, causing a possible injury when we try to force his hands in. The other problem we often face is the material of the clothes. Some clothes are so thick that is it not appropriate to dress the baby in it. In our weather condition, the best attire for infants at home is actually short sleeve shirts and shorts. Unfortunately, people rarely give short sleeve shirts and shorts. Most of the time, what we get are long sleeves and long pants. Hence we have not used any of those gifts for Gregory yet because we have not gone to any air-conditioned places with him yet.


4. Buying diapers - One of the most practical and appreciated gifts. We have received 3 big packs of diapers so far and thank goodness, they are all of good quality brands. I guess for now, we will not need to buy the diapers for at least 2 months. It is important to take note of the size of the diapers before buying. Imagine buying a big pack of diaper which is too small for the growing baby. What a waste it would be and probably the recipients will have to give it to others. It is also important to give diapers that are good quality because we should not compromise the comfort of the child's buttocks. If we buy diapers that are prone to cause diaper rash, then the recipients may not want to use it on their child and it would really be not nice to give something that is not good for your child for other people's child.


5. Other practical and much appreciated gifts include - toys (non hazard ones), baby wipes (lots of it), baby shampoo and powder (1 bottle of each is enough because it takes more than 1 month to finish 1 bottle) and ang pow.


6. Pati Ikan Haruan - Some people buy this for C-section mothers but for your information, many of these pati ikan haruans have been banned as they contain steroids. in fact, the hospital discourages mothers from consuming it too. It is said that ikan haruan should not be taken too much as the wound must heal slowly and naturally. The hospital has also encouraged mothers to consume to real fish, ideally from the padi field and not the mass produced ones instead of the processed ones.


7. Of course there are many other things which one can buy for a new born. However, it is always best to check with the parents on what they need to prevent wastage as well as the baby from getting more than 1 similar gift.

I am writing this blog with bitterness. Yes, women under confinement are not supposed to get upset because it will cause her to bring in all the negative toxins into her body but I have had enough of it and I personally feel that letting out my frustration will do me more good.

I've never met a person who has been so selfish throughout my life and of all times, I have to deal with this person during this time of my life, when I am physically at my weakest point. I cannot understand why a physically able person wants to behave as though he or she is disabled. A person who is not even entitled to be a senior citizen wants to behave and be treated like an 80 year old person. Why is it that this person has to deprive others of happiness just because he or she does not know how to seek joy in every little thing in life? Just because others find joy in very simple things in laughs out of happiness this person has to be jealous. I don't mind if this person chooses to remain depressed and feel sorry for himself or herself but who gives this person the right to ruin other people's life? It is so unfair. It is so unfair that every body has to be sad and feel blue just because of this person. Every body has to be exhausted just to serve this person, to please this person. Every body is always giving in to this person, depriving themselves of what makes them happy and yet this person is not grateful, does not even show any signs of appreciation but instead like my sister always says 'climbs on your head and shits on it'.