Simply Jenn.....

2012-01-28T19:42:00.002+08:00

Greg did not sleep the whole afternoon so I guess he is going to knock out tonight. I am almost exhausted already. He just would not sleep. He was restless the whole evening and was constantly throwing up the milk I fed him with. Each time this happens, my heart aches because what's being thrown out is my breast milk, fruits of my labour and my energy. I know why Greg threw up the milk, it's because he was not properly burped. But then again, we did try to burp him and he did burp but I guess he needed more burping.

For me, the process of burping Greg is one of the most challenging part of raising Greg. To me, improper burping is the root to all the problems we are currently facing. He is generally an easy child to look after provided that he is able to sleep well. For him to sleep well, the milk that he drinks needs to be properly digested otherwise he will be crying for more milk and probably throw out what is not well digested after that, causing a lot of wastage as well as frustration as well as exhaustion.

Greg was probably restless today also because there were a lot of visitors today. We had our cousins from Ipoh visiting and there were five little boys having fun in the house. They came for lunch and left after four so Greg's usual routine was slightly disrupted. To add on, the weather was a little warm today.

Today is the 17th day after Greg's birth and I finally washed my hair today thanks to some motivation from Janice. I've been wanting to wash my hair for a long time but did not do so as I've read in a few books that one should avoid washing their hair until their lochia discharge had stopped and I waited for that day to come. Unfortunately, that day has not arrived and I could not stand it anymore as my hair was getting a little difficult to comb and I felt really embarrassed each time I had visitors. I have been using the dry shampoo as an alternative to clean my hair prior to this but the dry shampoo is a little messy and is unable to clean some parts of my head. Besides, it does not clean as well as water hence I can feel sweat and stickiness on some parts of my head and it is really uncomfortable. I hope washing my hair today will not bring any side effects.. I actually have some headaches at the moment but I would like to believe that it is the weather as well as lack of sleep.

2012-01-27T16:44:00.002+08:00

Two things I notice about myself of late. Firstly, my appetite has GROWN. I eat more than when I was pregnant. This I have to say is the fault of the confinement as well as my mom. She insisted that I had more meat so much so that my meat servings are large. On average I have a quarter chicken for every meal and of course vegetables and rice. It is rather a large amount compared to what I use to have. To make it worse, I don't feel as though I have over eaten after every meal. For breakfast, I have a bowl of oats with cheese and a thick glass of milk or 4 slices of gardenia white bread with nestum and milk. In the afternoons and in the middle of the night, I dig for snacks. Nowadays I even have biscuits and cookies. I for one used to be a person who seldom eat between meals but I am now doing it all. I hope this big appetite of mine will reduce once the confinement is over. My weight now is 75 kg, 7 kgs more than before I was pregnant and 13 kgs less than when I was pregnant. I was 75kg since the day I came home from the hospital. My weight has not changed since then but I am very worried that it will go up soon. But then again, I can't help it. During meal times I just want to eat and eat. Sigh.

The other thing I noticed about myself is that I have become more absent minded. I have been fixing the wrong covers for the wrong bottles and turning on the wrong switches. What scares me is that this absent mindedness happens every day. The other day, I even dropped the cover of a bottle into Gregory's milk. My sister did mention to me that she felt a little stupid after delivery but I am still wondering if this is a normal phenomena. I hope this too will go away soon because if the problem is not addressed, I may just endanger myself as well as little Gregory.

I am counting the days....can't wait to be independent and be able to do all that I want to again.

2012-01-26T18:29:00.002+08:00

My son just shit on me. I was changing his diaper when he decided that he needed to poo again. It was disgusting. I guess this is something I have to bear with until he is able to wipe himself clean after he eases himself. This is the second time I had him easing himself on me. Last week, he urinated on the both of us but that was less disgusting, yet I don't look forward to experiencing it too often especially when I am all ready to go out or to work.

Last night, I had one of the best sleep in 15 days. Leslie was such a dear. He took Gregory to another room and slept there with him. Hence I was left undisturbed for 6 hours. It was such a luxury, something which I appreciated so much. Leslie has started to work again and I am learning to adjust to handling Gregory without his presence. Thank goodness my in-laws are still around as they help in the cooking as well as bathing Gregory. I am still unable to touch water directly from the tap and i try my very best not to expose myself to it hence their help is much appreciated too. I am starting to make myself more independent now in preparation to their departure. I washed the clothes today using the washing machine, I've swept and mopped the floor (I leave it for Leslie to throw the water away when he returns), put the laundry out in the sun and collect them so on and so forth. Even though these little housework are a few, it actually occupies rather a bit of my time as I try not too be too aggressive in my movements and yes I have to spend most of my time attending to Greg's needs.

A few things I have learnt so far from parenthood:

There is no U-turn - once you decide to have the baby, there's no turning back. You can't say I don't want the baby and reject it. Hence the only choice you have is to make the best out of parenthood.

Facing responsibilities- in the past, if I ever faced something challenging, I could easily avoid it by running away from the reality. Now that I am a parent, I cannot afford to do that anymore, I need to face it. For example, if I don't know how to burp the baby, I need to by hook or by crook learn to do it cause if i don't, who else would do it for me? I can't put his life in danger. Diaper change, as much as I hate it, I still have to do it, cause if I don't what is going to happen to my baby?

Sacrifice- I have not given so much of my time to anyone before and I am doing it now because I want to and also because the baby needs us.

These are just some of the things I reflected on. I'm sure more would come along the way. Parenthood is indeed a growing up process.

2012-01-25T15:14:00.003+08:00

Gregory loves to sleep in the afternoons and we are not too happy about that because he will be more alert at night and not want to sleep, causing us to not get the rest we need. Gregory sleeps so well in the afternoons that I bet even if earthquake were to happen, he would sleep through. I tried waking him up just now to feed him his milk but all my efforts failed. I hope to find a solution soon otherwise we his parents will very soon turn into zombies.

Today I had my 'tu kah chor' (vinegared pig's trotters) I have been waiting to eat this dish even before I delivered Gregory. Unfortunately, nobody could cook it for me, hence I got Leslie to buy me the ingredients and I finally cooked it yesterday and had my first serving of it today. It was not the best tu kah chor I've eaten but i was satisfied. I guess it did not taste that good because the pig's trotters was too small and the vinegar was too much. Hence I plan to get Leslie to buy me another pig's trotter to add into the vinegar and hopefully the taste would be perfect.

2012-01-23T18:32:00.002+08:00

Today is 12 days after Gregory's birth and the first day of Chinese New Year. It feels as though Gregory is more than 12 days old. I'm so used to his presence now. In fact, everything that is happening in my life at the moment is about him.
It is not fun at all to be in confinement during Chinese New Year. Temptations are many yet I must refrain myself from all those temptations for my own good. Actually, I really feel like having a sip of any form of Soda drink right now but I know I can't because the consequences will be really terrible. I also feel like taking some cold fruits and probably ice cream. The temptation last night was worse. I could not eat those delicious prawns served by my brother in-law. All I could do was just watch others enjoy it together with their Shandy while I felt the thirst in my mouth and tried to get comfortable despite feeling extremely warm.
So far Gregory has had 3 people visiting him over the past 3 days. His first visitor was little Lolo and her parents Jacqueline and Daniel. They brought him a big packet of Drypers plus an ang pow and gave me a bottle of Dome. The next day, our neighbors Pat and Joe dropped by and also bought him a big pack of Drypers and some food for me. Today, Sabrina dropped by with her mom bringing bathing essentials for little Gregory. So far we have been pretty lucky as all the gifts for Gregory have been very practical ones. Even those who gave the diapers bought the bigger sized ones so that Gregory will still be able to use them in the next few months.
To be honest, I can't wait for the confinement to be over and to get back on my feet again. For now, I still cannot fully carry Gregory yet as I am not very stable myself. I avoid carrying up and down the stairs for fear that I might trip on my own sarong and tumble down the stairs with Gregory. I also can't wait for confinement to be over so that I will be less dependent on others. For now i am not suppose to wash my hands with the tap water. It is so troublesome to be unable to do so. The old wives' belief that one should not wash their hands with the tap water is very true. Some time last week, I actually washed Gregory's bottles and exposed my hands to the tap water. After that, my fingers began to hurt and that joint pain has not left ever since. Kak Moon the urut lady said this is a bone problem and not because of wind. She said nothing much can be done to cure this problem. I fully regret washing the bottles on that day. I should have just played safe. Now I still wash Gregory's bottle but I use a tool to grip on the bottles and caps instead of my hand. Other than the joint pain I am generally recovering from the delivery. My womb does not hurt that bad now each time I sneeze and I am able to help myself out of the bed more easily. My stitches are also recovering well. I still have headaches and migraines sometimes but I believe that is due to the lack of sleep as Gregory sometimes stays awake in the middle of the night, making it impossible for us to sleep. I have another 18 days before confinement ends. God willing that I will be doing the right thing and eating the right food so that I will be up and well again and hopefully more energized that before.

2012-01-21T16:01:00.002+08:00

Ever since Gregory's birth, the nights have been really long for the both of us. On good days, he will wake up every 2 to 3 hours for milk and he will sleep back again. Unfortunately, not every night is a good night for us. Last night, Gregory woke up at 2am and stayed awake till 6am. When he woke up at 2am, we fed him with 2 1/2 ounce of milk. He drank the milk and made a big poo after that. So we had to change him. While changing him, his umbilical cord detached from his belly button. So we had to dress him a little. At 3am, we tried to make him sleep but he cried and asked for more milk. So we gave him another one ounce. This time, we had difficulty burping him after his feeding. At 4am, we tried to make him sleep again and he continued to ask. Gave him another 1 ounce. This time, the little boy was too lazy to suck his bottle. He kept playing with it. It really tested our patience. Each time we removed the bottle from him he wailed. I knocked out at 4.30am but Leslie still stayed up. At 5am it was Leslie's turn to knock out while I took over. I breast fed him and like the previous feed, our boy was too lazy to suck and took his own sweet time. At 6am he knocked out and I finally got to sleep.

As today was my last urut session with Kak Moon, by hook or by crook i had to wake up at 8am to prepare myself before she came. So in total, I only managed to get 4 hours of sleep yesterday. I asked myself how then can I work on night shifts. How will leslie be able to cope with Gregory while i am at work? Looking back, I guess my last miscarriage happened for a reason. We were both not ready for the baby then. Imagine us having a baby while we were living apart. How challenging would it have been. It might even drift us apart as we would have lacked in communication and I would probably be angry at Leslie most of the time for not being there.

2012-01-19T15:58:00.002+08:00

Today I had my first urut session from a Malay lady called Kak Moon. I found her contact through a blog in the Internet. She charges RM 400 for 3 post natal massages and she comes to the house. The massage session lasted around 2 hours. Though I have experienced better massages, I have to say that what Kak Moon did for me really helped to relief some of my discomfort and I really felt good after the session. From what I've read, it is important for the new mother to cleanse her body well through the lochia discharge after birth. This is not a traditional belief as the doctor at the hospital was also particular about this matter. While I was at the hospital, they gave me 3 dose of injection to make sure that my blood did not clot and the lochia would be well discharged from my body. Kak Moon's massage this morning helped in this sense too. I could feel the toxic flow out from my body after the massage. Her massage also helped to increase my milk supply immediately. She will come again tomorrow and complete her 3 days session with me on Saturday. I hope to benefit from this traditional Malay post-natal healing method.

Gregory is 8 days old today. Leslie thinks that he has gained in weight and is beginning to feel his back ache as a result of Gregory's weight. I do not feel it that much as I have not been carrying him much due to my still weak condition. We are both still adjusting to our new role as parents. It is an exhausting experience. The responsibilities are never ending and sometimes we feel really frustrated. However, I have to say that little Gregory is actually a bundle of joy. Looking at him is like a therapy itself. His innocence and his cuteness just carries all the negative emotions away from us each time we look at him.

2012-01-18T09:25:00.002+08:00

It's been a week since Gregory was born. How has it been? EVENTFUL. That's how I would describe the whole experience. When we were still warded, caring for Gregory was so much more easier but I did not appreciate it then. You see, when Gregory cries, he is really loud and I always felt bad that his crying disturbed my other roommates who were trying their best to rest, so I wished to be discharged as soon as possible so that I would not feel bad. Little did I realize that Gregory's loudness was just part of the challenges I would face. The nurses at the hospital were wonderful. Though it was a government hospital and charged very little for its services, the nurses treated me like a queen. Each morning, they would come to my bed side to make sure that I was ok. Someone would bring hot water and towel for me to wash up while another nurse would come and check my body condition and my wound before the doctors did their rounds. This luxury to be honest is something I can't get at home due to my husband's limitations (which I don't blame him for because he has so much in his hands). To add on, the nurses sometimes helped to nurse the baby too. Whenever he cried loudly, the nurse would rush in and wheel him away. They are also the one who bathes and dresses him. Each time they return Gregory, he is nicely swaddled and cuddly and he will sleep real soundly until he gets hungry again.

This one week has been a learning experience for the both of us. In fact, it was only yesterday that I successfully applied the right feeding formula for Gregory so that the three of us would not be left tired and restless throughout the night. For the past one week, we had not been able to sleep well at all because we were still unclear of Gregory's sleeping and feeding trend. For the first 4 days after delivery, I hardly had any milk to feed Gregory. Hence he was constantly wailing in hunger and constantly suckling for milk until my breast became sore and I became really tired. It was only until I shared this problem with some friends that I discovered that is was ok to feed him with some formula milk. However, we could not constantly depend on the formula milk as I personally wanted Greg to be breastfed at least while I am still not working. So we still had to juggle with different feeding method to ensure that Gregory had his feed, so the challenge continued. Why is feeding Gregory so exhausting? Let me share the whole process.

Option 1- Feeding directly from the breast.
1. Baby cries
2. Lift baby - my wound is still raw and I am still weak, so lifting him is a little challenging
3. Let baby suckle the breast- I don't know how much milk I have and how much is really enough for him. He will suck and suck and suck until he is satisfied. Sometimes it takes only 20 minutes, sometimes an hour. During the first few days, he suckled for more than 2 hours. When I feed him this way, he cries for milk more often.
4. Baby stops suckling -but we are unsure how much milk he has drunk
5. Time to burb the baby- we are still new at doing this so he does not burb so fast.
6. Check his diapers - so that he will not be left soaking in his poo or pee for ages. We do this last because sometimes he poos while he drinks his milk. Sometimes, doing this can be a real challenge as the baby has the tendency to soil the newly changed clothes. For example, just now, right after his bath, I fed him and he pooed right after that. While I was changing him, he pee right on his face and naked body. So with urine all over him, he had to be bathed once again. To add on, he left his changing area filled with pee. So we had to wash that place after that. As a result, the laundry is now full of his clothes which he wore for less than 30 minutes.

Option 2- Feeding from the bottle

Advantages
1. I know how much the baby drinks each time I feed him and I am 80% assured that he will not cry for the next 2 hours.
2. The milk is ready and I do not need to worry that I do not have enough to feed him.
3. Feeding time is reduced to 15-20 minutes.

Disadvantages
1. Less mother and child contact
2. Need some time to heat the bottled milk and prepare the feeding bottle

It is almost the same as the first except that there is washing to do before and after the feeding. Many people are encouraging me to start feeding him from the bottle now as many babies refuse to drink from the bottle after they get too used to suckling from the breast. This becomes very difficult when the mothers start working.

2012-01-15T17:24:00.002+08:00

11th January. Leslie was already waiting for me at the labor room. It was comforting to see him, to know that he would be by my side. I was pushed into the labor room. Two nurses were already there, I could here them saying 'new client has arrived! who is this new client?' as they pushed me onto the bed. 10 minutes later a senior doctor with around 5 students came to examine me. My cervix was still open at 4cm only. The doctor instructed the student to burst my water bag. This is it she said, your bag is broken and you will have your baby today. So they left me in the bed as the wait continued.

A doctor walked in and offered me Epidural. I rejected the offer but the pain got even more intense. Another doctor walked in and offered it to me again but still I rejected. Then the nurse came and asked me if I was sure. She warned me that the pain would be worse later on and it would be too late by then to get the Epidural. After discussing with Leslie, I gave in to the Epidural. It was a relief. All the pain just went away. I only felt the pain each time there was a contraction.

At 2pm, a doctor came to check my cervix, it was still at 4cm. I heard him speak of C-section. He was pretty adamant about it but the other doctors said to give me another chance. The nurse gave me Syntocinon Drip to increase the contraction with the hope to speed up the opening of the cervix. At 4.30pm, another doctor came to check the cervix. It was only open at 5cm. She gave me a sympathetic look and said " I'm so sorry but we will have to operate you" I could feel Leslie's heart sink. He was so reluctant while I was scared. At 5.30 pm, they wheeled me into the operation theater. The doctor assured us that we were in safe hands and she would ensure that she would do her very best. She also assured Leslie that he will be able to see the baby right after the procedure was completed.

I lost my focus the moment I was wheeled into the theater. Everything happened so fast. I don't know why but I started to shiver non stop. Though awake, I was not conscious. I was just trying my best not to bite my tongue as the shivering was so severe. It was as though I was having fits. I could here people talking but I did not know when they took the baby out. At 6.35pm they brought the baby towards my face and showed me his gender. They wiped him clean and told me to kiss the baby before sending him out to Leslie. Gregory was finally delivered, I was relieved but a little regretful that i could not really savor the moment.

2012-01-15T17:08:00.002+08:00

10th January, I arrived at the KLGH at 3pm thinking that I would be in labor anytime soon. Unfortunately, the doctor in charge told me that my cervix had only dilated be another cm after 5 hours, hence they would need to induce my labor. However, it was a hospital policy that only a specialist will carry out that procedure and that this procedure is only done in the mornings, therefore I would need to be admitted and wait until the next morning before the next action is being taken. So Leslie had to leave me in the ward and return the next day for Gregory's birth.

At 7pm, hell began to break loose for me, the 10 times greater period pain came and never left. I could not sleep, could not lie down, sitting was just as uncomfortable, while walking helped to distract me from the pain. So throughout the night of 10th January, I was walking up and down the ward, distracting myself from the pain as I watched other mothers to be go through their own kind of pain while others nursed their newborn. Honestly, I must thank God for the nurses, they were really fantastic, they said the right words and did the right things to help me ease the pain. I would not know if I could have survived the night if not for them.

At 6am, the doctor checked my cervix again and told me that it had dilated for 4cm and she could send me to the labor room. So the nurses prepared me, gave me my breakfast and brief me of the long day ahead and told me to call Leslie to come before wheeling me into the labor room. For the very first time, I felt scared. As the nurse wheeled me, I felt emotional and wanted to cry. After having waited for so long, my son was finally going to be born, but was I really ready?

2012-01-15T16:36:00.002+08:00

9th of January, the anxiousness grew stronger as Gregory had still not arrived. I started to feel a little desperate and looked for signs and symptoms of labor pain. In the morning, I requested for Leslie to take me for a walk. So we took a walk to the nearest mamak shop in Bukit Jelutong for breakfast. It is around 1km away, hence the walk to and from the shop lasted an hour plus. After the walk, I discovered some spotting of blood. That got me pretty happy, unfortunately, that was it, there were no other signs after that. Hence in the afternoon, i requested to exercise again, hence Leslie took me to Sunway Pyramid. We walked from the 5th floor to the ground floor and walked back to the fifth floor. It was not a shopping trip but more of a quick window shopping and people watching. The walk still did not induce any labor pain, hence it got me frustrated. Towards later in the evening, I spotted blood again. I decided to use this as and excuse to get myself attended at the clinic. So at around 9pm, Leslie took me to the Serdang hospital and I got what I wanted, a check up. The doctor checked me and told me that there were no signs of labour yet, however since the baby was over due for more than 9 days, something had to be done. However there was one problem, a very major one, the hospital was full, they could not admit me. Hence they sent me home and told me to come back the next day at 9am to get admitted. When we reached home, it was already 4am in the morning, it was indeed an exhausting night. To make it worse, I felt the pain. The pain that was worse than a period pain by 10 times. I could not climb on the bed and had to try to sleep in a different room so that Leslie could get his rest. The feeling was horrible I could not lie down.

10th January, still tired, we left home for Serdang hospital again. The checks that were conducted the night before were repeated again in the morning. It was not fun, to add on, I had the pain on and off and was bed bound. It was not fun for Leslie either as he had to wait outside. At around 11am, the Doctor told me that my cervix was getting ready for labor. It had dilated by 1 cm. According to her, I had to wait until the cervix dilated by 10 cm in order to give birth. She also said that usually, the cervix will dilate at 1cm per hour which means that if everything goes well, I should be able to deliver in 10 hours. However there was a problem. The hospital was still full. They have 15 people on the waiting list already. So they told me to wait while they arranged for me to be transferred to another hospital.

At 2 pm, the ambulance came and sent me to the Kuala Lumpur General Hospital, a move which is probably a blessing in disguise. The journey to the hospital itself was an interesting one. For the first time in my life, I was a patient in an ambulance while other vehicles made way for me to pass through.

2012-01-08T14:04:00.002+08:00

8th January. Today is great-grandfather Gregory Than's birthday and great-grandson Gregory Than junior is still in the womb. I think the halba recipe may actually be effective after all. I'm not experiencing contractions but I do have those odd sensations like those one would feel when they are having menses. The menstrual pain is there, the cramps are there and yes it becomes more intensed when I am about to get up from my seated position. These odd sensations are making it pretty challenging for me to want to go out. This morning, I got a call from a very concern Patricia reminding me to walk, walk and walk. I know she means well but it is really uncomfortable to walk a lot.

Leslie has not recovered from his Christmas illness and he felt suddenly dizzy last night. So we went to the chinese sin seh in Subang. The doctor was from Taiwan and told him that he had problems with his digestive system. So the treatment began last night with some massage at the Clinic and medication. Today, the sin seh applied acupuncture. It is a painful experience for Leslie but I can testify that he is much better now then he was since Christmas. The treatment and medication is almost RM 200 but I think it is worth it as I am seeing the difference in my husband. The sin seh took interest in my pregnancy too and requested to read my pulse. Apparently, he is training to master in treating pregnant ladies and wanted to practice some of his knowledge on me. He did not charge me for this but told me to eat less meat as I had fatty liver. Leslie will see him again on Wednesday before he leaves for Taiwan for a Chinese New Year break. I hope Leslie will recover well under his care. He has been exhausted lately due to his commitments at work and at home. The absence of the maid and the extra responsibilities since my pregnancy has taken a tol on him. It actually saddens me to see him being unwell, only God will understand how much he has been going through.

Back to the pregnancy, I hope what I am experiencing today is a sign that Baby Gregory will be born very soon. His grandparents are already here so what else is he waiting for?

2012-01-07T16:03:00.002+08:00

January 7th. Gregory Vaz-Than is still in my womb! I had difficulty sleeping last night. Ended up watching TV until 1.30 am but still could not sleep. Perhaps it was because I accidentally drank a cup of tea in the morning. I finally managed to sleep after Leslie woke up and gave me a leg massage at around 3am. It was a good one. I slept soundly for 3 hours plus before nature called.

Today I experienced a weired sensation in my cervix. It felt as though I had ENO being dissolved in it. The gassy sensation lasted a few seconds and then dissapeared. It came back again more often while I was preparing lunch. I told Leslie perhaps we should send my mom over to my sister's house after lunch just in case that was my form of contraction. Interestingly, that weired sensation did not return after lunch. So the intense urgency to send mom over just disappeared. Besides the odd sensation, baby Gregory has yet to show any sign that it wants to be delivered yet. I am beginning to feel anxious as we now only have 3 days left. I am beginning to consider certain desperate measures to entice him out. One of the methods according to the malays is to drink coconut water. I have drank that 3 times already this week. Hence it does not seem to work for me. I have drank a lot of coconut water throughout my pregnancy and i think I won't crave for it for a while anymore. In fact, I am beginning to be fed up of it. Thank goodness that coconut water tastes good, otherwise it would be such a pain.

Besides coconut water, I have been encouraged to walk more. I think I have done that too though I have to admit that I am sometimes lazy. I do the housework, vacuum and mop the house and yesterday I once again used the shear to cut the grass. That too did not work. There are other methods too which you can read on the net. I avoid doing things that requires the consumption of certain foods as I find it a little risky. One of my colleagues told me that she went into labour immediately after drinking goat's milk. I choose not to try that.

Yesterday an indian colleague gave me this recipe to help me in my delivery. To mix half a teaspoon of halba with a glass of water and leave it overnight and drink it the next day. It is said to help to smoothen the delivery process. I tried to google and read up more about it but found almost nothing so I decided to forget about it for fear that I will do it wrongly. Then, while cutting the grass in the evening, my neighbor Joe somehow told me to do the same thing. He affirmed that halba would help me in my delivery. Hence I gave this recipe a try. The drink was tasteless but the halba tasted a little bitter. I googled regarding this recipe again and discovered that halba is also good for milk production, hence I may be killing two birds with one stone after all.

My in-laws will be arriving tonight. i hope little Greg will not keep us waiting for too long. Have faith and pray that everything will be alright.

2012-01-06T07:53:00.002+08:00

January 6th. He is still inside. He has been very active though. His movements have been vigorous. I can see major shifts taking place actively in my tummy. Every two hours he wakes me up to the toilet. Sometimes there is nothing to wake up for but since he is bigger now, he is pressing on certain organs, causing me to feel as though I need to go to the toilet. My in-laws are coming tomorrow and he is not out yet. Leslie says he is waiting for them to arrive before he decides to see the world. Perhaps he is right. But this also means that they may not be around during his full moon or baptism.

We have sort of confirmed his name. Gregory Vaz-Than Zhi Xian it will be. We decided to name him after Leslie's Grandpa whose birthday falls on January the 8th. Gregory means 'vigilant'. To add on, I have yet to meet a Gregory whom I dislike hehehehe thus I believe naming my son Gregory should make him a pretty likable person. As for Zhi Xian, well according to the chinese tradition, the boys of the same generation will carry a similar middle name and Zhi happens to be the middle name for Leslie's nephew. 'Zhi' means wisdom and knowledge while 'Xian' means virtuous. Hence we hope that this little boy will grow up to be a knowledgeable and virtuous man.

It is frustrating to wait for his arrival yet at the same time I am aware that things will not be the same anymore once he is born. There will be restless nights and also other forms of frustrations. Honestly, I do not look forward to that but then again, is that not what parenting is all about? I have been looking for right storage items for the baby's milk and was told by my friend who is a chemistry teacher to not use plastic at all for freezing the milk. I understand her reasons but this also means extra cost. Glass bottles are very expensive but at the same time, I do not want my infant to start consuming all those chemicals at this young and tender age. Honestly the best storage bottle is myself but i got to work and cannot have the child clinging on to me 24 hours a day. but then again, is that not why most of us grew up to be healthy people? Because our moms fed us directly from the breast? Sigh........

Motherhood will officially begin in a few days time. i wish myself all the best.

2012-01-05T10:52:00.002+08:00

Today I went for a check up at the Klinik Kesihatan. This would be the last until I deliver. The nurse who checked me was almost 50, one of the oldest in the clinic. I've always found this nurse to be amusing. She is a little chubby and looks fierce and rough but my encounter with her has so far been pleasant. Today she teased me about the baby being late. She said a little prayer before touching my tummy and spoke to the baby. "Mengapa? Tak nak tengok muka mama ye?" She asked the little one. My blood pressure was a little high 130/70 today and she asked me if I've been sleeping late. She pressed my tummy and said the baby was head down and all set to be delivered. She warned that he would be a little big as he seemed to have grown in size since my last visit. I am glad my last visit ended well with this nurse.

She is right in the sense that I have not been sleeping well of late. The discomfort in my tummy has caused me to be unable to sleep early. In fact, I feel tired now and I could really do with a nap after lunch. I'm actually tired of waiting. Every day I live my life as though I will be on confinement the very next day. I wash my hair every day for fear that I won't be able to do it for the next few days. I treat myself with some snacks for fear that i won't be able to taste them for the next one month. I wash the clothes every day even though the laundry is not really full for fear that I won't be able to wash them the next day and so on. The only thing that I am not doing right now is to drive around. I am scared to drive too far for fear that I may experience contraction while driving. It's actually a little frustrating as I am confined to the house.

I really hope the baby will not take too long to come. My excitement is transforming into frustration. Baby oh baby!

2012-01-04T10:14:00.002+08:00

4th January. Baby still in the womb. Each time we wake up the question that lies in our head would be should Leslie go to work today? His colleagues have asked him to stay at home but then again, if we had listened, imagine how many off days he would have wasted since January the 1st. I believe after the baby is born, he would need to take many off days from time to time especially to bring that little fella to the clinic for check ups and injections.

Of late, I have been feeling a little tired and exhausted. Maybe it is because I've been staying home for too long. It hurts at times when I lie on bed and it takes me some time to adjust to the right position before I can sleep. I dislike waking up to go to the toilet because each time I do so, I will need to readjust myself again in bed. It is also troublesome to sit down at times. Sitting on the wrong position would cause pain at the abdomen. I get heart burns from time to time too and I have somehow lost interest in cooking. I sigh when I think of what to cook probably because I dread the washing up after the cooking. Sounds depressing right? Perhaps that is why it is healthier for women to go to work this days instead of staying at home. Staying at home for too long will just cause us to fall into depression.

Oh when will the baby come?

2012-01-03T10:52:00.002+08:00

January the 3rd. Baby is still in the womb. No signs of contraction yet. When will it come? Our anxiousness has increased. Each time I wake up to ease myself in the middle of the night, I ask myself if this is normal and that causes me to stay wide awake for a while before I go back to sleep again. I am not getting enough sleep of late because of this. I keep worrying that I missed doing something right. But then again, didn't the first doctor say that the due date was the 8th of January? So he may have been right after all. But then again, the waiting game is frustrating. It is not a matter of hours which we are talking about here, it's about the number of days we have to wait. Every day when Leslie goes to work his mind is not at peace because he knows that he may need to rush back one of these days to get me to the hospital. As for me, I am constantly worried that he is not able to come back on time. Friends have been sharing with us their experiences of going into labour. Some stories are comforting while some are scary. I just hope that everything turns out fine for us.

While the waiting game continues, I am beginning to crave for the wrong kind of foods. Yesterday, I had this very great desire to take a sip of gas drink. Something fizzy and very cold. Of course, I did not submit myself to this craving. This morning, I woke up with the desire to have a nice bowl of instant noodle, maggie mee to be exact. A really harmful desire it was but once again, I did not give in to the desire. I wonder what's going to be next on my craving list. I hope its going to be something reasonably healthy (cravings so far are nothing healthy) and easy to find.

Since the date of birth has been delayed, the list of our baby's names has also been narrowed down.It will unlikely be Peter for papa's birthday was yesterday neither will it be Noel. That leaves us with Francis and Gregory or should we also consider Sebastian? I really don't know.

2012-01-01T20:35:00.002+08:00

Today is the due date! And the boy is still very comfortable in the womb. I don't know if I am imagining things but I feel as though my baby bump has shrunk in size. Perhaps my eyes are playing tricks with me. Perhaps it is just the position and the height of the bump. It is lower now, not so close to the chest as it used to. On a positive note, I don't feel that sick anymore. I believe I am recovering well.

Yesterday, we bought ourselves a vacuum cleaner from electrolux. Leslie was elated over the buy as he believes the machine will make his household chores much more simpler. So today, we decided to use it. I vacuumed the floor while he mopped it. It took us 1 hour plus to clean both upstairs and downstairs but I think it was a job well done. It was a really good exercise for me as I soaked with sweat after the job was done. Despite the hyper activity, there was still no signs of contraction. Hence i believe the baby may just decide to stay a little longer in the womb. Every day, Leslie will ask the baby, hey, when will you decide to come out. If only the baby could let us know. Every day is a guessing game for us. No commitments and promises to anyone for now for we are constantly waiting in anticipation.

2011-12-30T18:57:00.002+08:00

After weeks of searching, I finally found someone to urut me during my confinement. There are so many massage packages around but I decided to opt for a traditional Malay massage session as I somehow felt that the Malays are more specialized in this matter. Unfortunately, the people I asked did not seem to know of anyone who was good at it. Some spas offered such services but they charged ridiculously high. So after 2 months of searching in vain, I decided to google and found a few names. I decided to call Kak Moon who was highly recommended by one of the blogs and she sounded positively keen to do the job. She charges RM 400 for a package of 3 sessions which includes the massage for the mother, bertungku and mengikat bekung. The package also includes bathing the baby as well as massaging the baby. I think for KL, what she is charging is reasonable as she will come to the house. Hence saving us the trouble to travel as well as petrol. Now all I have to do is to hope that she provides a good service as described by the lady in the blog.

Today is the 30th, two more days before my due date. My tummy gets harder everyday and my clothes especially the pants are getting tighter. I guess this happens as the due date draws nearer. I am feeling pretty uncomfortable and have not been sleeping well. First reason is because I am still sick and the second reason being I seem to be experiencing constipation. Hence i feel very uncomfortable throughout the day. I had my hair cut for the 2nd time this month. This time, i made a very bold decision. I have cut my hair short. My neck is no more covered by my hair and I can feel the breeze when the wind blows. It took the hairstylist almost 1 hour to get the job done. It was a little painful to see so much of my hair being snipped off but when I think of the cooling effect, the regret just slips away. Despite having my hair cut short, I still had to change my clothes twice last night due to the sweating. So can you imagine how warm it would be for me if i did not cut my hair?

I can say that I am physically ready for the delivery but I really don't know what to expect when the labour pain begins. Lets pray that everything turns out fine. I am a brave girl. I think I can do it. Just hope that my illness will dissapear before the labour begins.

2011-12-28T12:17:00.002+08:00

I am sick. Not having fever but am down with flu. I have headache, blocked nose and cough. I feel terrible and at the same time frustrated. I could not sleep well last night. I am not sure if I got infected by Leslie's sickness but I am definitely unhappy that I am sick. To add on to my anxiety, my due date is drawing near and I cannot afford to be ill for the nurse warned me yesterday that any form of illness may cause me to be unable to go through natural birth and that the baby will need to be delivered through C-Section which is what I do not wish for.

Nevertheless, I am very thankful for Leslie. He has been a wonderful husband, doing his very best to make me feel better. For example, he took time off from work today to look after me. We went to the market to buy some pork for porridge and he is now cooking for me in the kitchen. Last night, he rubbed oil on my back hoping that it will make me feel better. unfortunately it did not. Nevertheless, I am grateful that I have a husband who cares. He has his weakness but then again, he is doing a lot of things which other men may not do for their wife.

We called the clinic to ask what to do about this flu and the nurse has asked us to go over for a check, hence we will need to go to the clinic after lunch and I hope they can give me something which can boost my recovery. Gosh, I just cannot wait to get rid of this headache. It is really driving me nuts.

2011-12-27T20:42:00.002+08:00

Human relationship is sometimes the hardest to deal with. In some relationships, the easiest way of solving it is by walking out of the relationship. Unfortunately, this method cannot be applied in some relationships because the person is important in your life and you cannot afford to just walk out of it for if you do so, you may just regret it for the rest of your life. I am upset today. I have failed to convince someone to cooperate. I've been trying to instill some positive habits in the person for her betterment but my efforts have not been successful. Perhaps I am using the wrong method but then again, no one else have succeeded in making the person see the importance of changing her bad habits. The last time this person changed her bad habits was when she landed in the hospital for almost a month and almost died. That lesson made her change a little bit. Today was an extremely frustrating day for me. My efforts landed me into a heated argument with her. I felt angry at first but after listening to some of the things she said, I felt hurt. I just do not know what to do anymore. Perhaps i should just let her be. Let her ruin her own life, let her eat whatever she wants. If she does not want to exercise, just ignore her and let her be. Let her end up being bedridden and let the nursing home worry about her needs. I wonder which is more cruel. To let her do whatever she wants now and let her bear the consequences later on her own or to continue to do monitor her movements and diet so that she will not end up being sick and confined to bed. I really don't know and am lost

2011-12-26T14:49:00.002+08:00

Today is the 26th of December, the baby is due in less than a week. It scares me to actually think that I'll be going into labour soon. It also scares me a little to realize that soon, the baby will be in our arms and no more in my womb. Early this morning, I got a false alarm. I woke up to empty my bladder and realized that i had not felt the baby move for a while. I waited for 30 minutes, shifting my body positions, hoping to make the baby move but my efforts were in vain. There was no movement. I got worried and woke Leslie up. We waited for another 15 minutes and still there were no signs of movement. What if something is wrong with the baby? I imagined, gosh, after carrying it for 9 months please God don't let anything happen to it. I could not imagine what I would have to go through if something was wrong. Leslie went to take out a stethoscope, hoping to hear at least some signs of movement. It was really funny of us to do it but honestly, in moments of helplessness, one would resort to silly things just to ease a disturbed mind. After 50 minutes, finally there was a slight movement, a few minutes later, there was a major shift in my belly. That little brat really scared the hell out of us. Boy were so relieved to see it move. Of course this false alarm also caused us both to lose our sleep as I had to send my sister to the bus terminal to catch her 7.30 am bus.

Christmas this year was not the best for us. Poor Leslie was in bed throughout Christmas as he was down with high fever. In fact, he is still sick. He even had to give the Christmas lunch at my other sister's home a miss as he was too sick to join in. As for me, I was worried about his condition. His fever started on Friday and on Saturday, we went to see the doctor. The fever did not subside and he was confined to bed most of the time even until today. I really hope he recovers fast as I do not wish to go into labour with him sick and unable to be present when the child is born (I doubt the doctor would allow him to be near to the baby if he is sick). It is our first child and I really want him to be around during this memorable moment. So despite not needing to cook at all this Christmas (my brother in-law wanted me to just relax this time due to my pregnancy), Christmas day this year was still a little exhausting but in a different manner. Nevertheless, I am grateful for the moment spent with everybody. I am thankful that my second sister made it a point to travel from Penang to join us. I am sure that it added much joy in my mom. I am grateful for the little gathering and the time spent at my sister Christine's home. I am grateful for being able to get the right gifts for the right people. The only setback is of course that Leslie was sick.

Yesterday, I received a call from Uncle Francis. He told me that he had offered a mass for me for a smooth and safe delivery. He had initially selected the 28th of December as the date for the mass but due to some reasons, the church clerk set 30th of December instead of 28th. Uncle Lim believes that the 30th was chosen for a good reason and told me to be mentally prepared. 30th is a good day indeed as it is the feast of the holy family, what a meaningful day should the baby be born on that day. I don't know when the baby will come, but one thing for sure is that I am still pretty comfortable for someone who is expecting the baby anytime soon. I'm not experiencing too much discomfort yet and I am still able to do some housework. Maybe I'm a little lazier this days but I am still mobile and active.

2011-12-23T14:28:00.002+08:00

We had our first and only appointment at the hospital yesterday. The doctor scanned the baby and revealed that the baby is a BOY. Honestly, it did not really come as a surprise as our instincts and comments from others have somehow indicated that the baby would be a boy, yet I was happy to have an accurate record on the baby's gender. One of the reason is so that we can decide on its name. It's not easy to think of an ideal name for the baby, especially its Chinese name. Neither of us are very familiar with the aspects to consider when deciding on the Chinese name. For example, I was told that the child must not have the same name as the father. Since Leslie's Chinese name is Thian Lung, our child's name cannot carry the word Thian or Lung. They are other rules to follow but neither of us are familiar with it. The other downside is that I have really lost touch with mandarin, hence it is a struggle for the both of us. Nevertheless, I am confident that we will find a nice name for it when the time comes.

Based on the doctor's scan, the baby is only 36 weeks. Two week's younger than the expected due date. However, as written in many books, the due date scanned during this period is not accurate. My only conclusion is that this little boy is still small in size. It's weight is not heavy enough to be of a 38 week old baby and so is its height. The doctor has fixed January 10th as the final date for me to deliver. If the baby is not born by then, I will have to admit myself at the hospital and they will probably induce me to deliver the baby. I hope that will not need to happen. I am very much hoping for a natural birth that is free from any complication.

It was fun to see the delight in Shawn (my nephew)'s face when we revealed to him that his little cousin would be a boy. Being the only child, Shawn has shown eagerness to have another playmate and I guess have a playmate of the same gender is indeed a bonus. He is 9 years old now, I hope he will not find our little boy an irritating pest as how my sister used to think of me during our childhood. Shawn has suggested Sebastian for his cousin's name (much nicer name compared to Santa Claus which he had earlier suggested) but to be honest, I keep thinking of Sebastian the crab whenever I think of the name as much as i think Sebastian is a very nice idea. Why did Shawn suggest Sebastian? Because it begins with an 'S' just like Shawn.

After seeing the doctor, I went to the Medela service centre to get spare parts for the Mini Electric Plus breast pump which my cousin loaned to me. Replacing those items cost me RM 165 but I am grateful that at least I do not need to buy one. The market price for the pump is RM 599. Hence I am saving a lot of money by using what is given by my cousin. Besides, Medela seems to be one of the better brands in the market, if not for my cousin, I may not have the luxury of using a pump of such quality. I may end up buying other cheaper brands which I would later need to compromise for the weight and comfort.

The baby's items are almost all ready, except for the mattress. Again, we failed to find one that fits into the cot. Nevertheless, it may have been a blessing in disguise. The coconut husk mattress sold at Little Whiz was RM 300 plus and yesterday, when we enquired at a shop in Taman Sri Serdang, we found one that cost only RM 140. Leslie plans to buy the mattress from the man in Taman Sri Serdang. Guess we are going to force the mattress into the cot. We are left with no choice unless we buy a new cot for the baby, but then again, that would be a waste of money.

So, every day we are preparing for the arrival of the little one. Either we are buying something or we are fixing or cleaning something for him. I am looking forward to his arrival.

2011-12-21T10:25:00.002+08:00

I went for medical check up at the clinic kesihatan today. My pink book says I am 38 weeks pregnant. As the due date draws closer, the visit to the clinic also becomes more regular (weekly). In fact, I am due to see the specialist for the first time tomorrow. It will be my first visit to the specialist. The reason why I am only seeing the specialist now is because the nurses did not feel that I needed the consultation of a specialist. Based on the regular check-ups I've gone for, my pregnancy is generally problem free. The purpose of this coming visit is to fix my due date as I actually have 2 due dates based on my previous scans. The 1st date is January 8th while the 2nd date is January the 1st.

Today I asked the nurse to describe what a contraction felt like. Last night, I felt a few instances of sudden pain near my cervix area. Those pain lasted a few seconds but it was so intense that I had to stop walking for a while. The sudden attack got me worried. Thank goodness, it was a false alarm. According to the nurse, I felt those pain as the baby was trying to push its way towards the cervix. According to her, when a contraction happens, I would feel my tummy harden and extremely painful. If the contraction becomes more intense the pain would move to the back and probably cause backache. Very simple but clear explanation. It was easy to comprehend as she touched and showed me the areas of my body which I would feel the pain. At least now I will not scare myself unnecessarily. Sometimes, the odd pains that we feel are due to the movements of the baby. As the baby grows in size, the space in my womb becomes tighter, causing the baby to sometimes press on certain nerves or organ in the body hence the sudden shocking pain. In general, this little one has been a pretty good baby, it has not caused me too much problem neither has it obstructed my movements or caused me much severe pain. I hope it remains this way even after birth. Healthy but calm and not often restless.

We still have not found the right mattress for the cot yet. We went to IKEA yesterday upon the suggestion by the owner of Little Whiz but much to our disappointment, their mattresses could only fit into their custom made cots. I tried washing some napkins and baby clothes yesterday but the weather has not been encouraging. The sun is not hot enough to dry them. Hence I cannot do my second round of washing today as I need space to dry these clothes. My laundry has also increased. Each time I do housework ie. mop/sweep the floor, cook, iron the clothes etc, I would sweat so much that I would need to change my clothes. What is stressful is that due to my growing size, I have very limited amount of clothes to change and I really dislike it when I need to change like four times a day due to the sweating. Yet, despite these inconveniences, I am not rushing to deliver the baby. i hope it will not be born prematurely. We have not chosen the name of the baby yet but we have a few names on our list. I believe I will be inspired to decide its name once I see it. Will it be Noel? Francis? Alban? Peter? I really don't know. Well i trust God will inspire us.

2011-12-19T10:57:00.003+08:00

Im currently on maternity leave. Will be off from work for a few months. I took early time off so that we are better prepared to receive the baby. We spent around RM 500 over the weekend for the baby's arrival. I spent almost 200 ringgit on herbs for my confinement while the rest were spent on baby essentials. Baby essentials are so expensive, I wonder how does the poor afford these items. A baby milk bottle is more than 30 ringgit and of course we cannot do with only one. We need at least 2, that also if we are careful with the bottles. Like the lady said, it's good to have back-up just in case we misplace the bottle somewhere whenever we go out. A plastic bottle is 30 ringgit and can only be used for 6 months, after that, it must be discarded as it is said to be unsafe for infants (how environmentally unfriendly) . If we want one that can last longer, we should get the glass milk bottle. But then again, it cost around 60 ringgit and it is heavy. We also bought a set each of clothes, mittens and booties for the baby (I was afraid that the baby would come anytime and would not have anything to wear). Buying the whole set came up to around RM 50 for just a set. Fortunately, we only bought one set because right after we got home, Christine my sister arrived with a bag full of hand-me-downs from Michael Lim, our Bukit Glugor neighbor's 1 year old grandchild. His clothes were good quality ones and almost complete. Yesterday, we received another bag full of baby clothes from Christine's sister-in-law. 5 year old Matthew's clothes we still in really good condition and looked so cute. (honestly, as I unpacked, I tried to imagine how cute my little one will look in those clothes). They also gave us 2 car seats, one was the usual one for transporting the baby, the other one was a convertible car seat which can also be used as an aeroplane seat and stroller. (I was so grateful with those two seats, to be honest, we would not have bought the convertible car seat as I doubt is it cheap and we would not have thought of getting the baby a special seat when it travels with us back to Kuching, now with that seat, travelling will be so much more easier). Matthew's parents also gave us an unused play mat, a baby bouncer (to be used by the baby when it can sit up) and some other little stuff, easily saving us maybe 1 thousand ringgit i supposed if we were to buy those items on our own.

I feel that we are very fortunate indeed to be getting all these hand-me-downs. Some people prefer to buy new items for their precious ones but we are really saving a lot of money by being willing to accept all these good quality stuff and we really thank God for these kind people and their generosity.

Unfortunately, we could not get the baby mattress as planned. The lady from little whiz told us that our cot seemed to be of an odd size and she did not have any mattress that could fit into the cot. We also did not buy the bath tub yet as the one we saw at Tesco costs 30 ringgit and did not give us the feeling that it would last. So still on our shopping list are these two items and a good vacuum cleaner. Both of us are really exhausted cleaning the house. The house that we currently live in is big and needs to be swept and mopped at least once in two days. Unfortunately we have not been able to clean the house so well due to our commitments at work and our preparation for the baby. We both agreed that the vacuum cleaner will help to ease our burden.

So though I'm off from work, there's still so much to do. Just wish that there will be more sunshine these days so that I can wash all the laundry that needs to be washed (it's a lot of laundry) before baby arrives.

2011-12-14T15:51:00.003+08:00

Tomorrow will be my last day of work. I have requested to take time off prior to my delivery so that I have time to settle some matters before the baby arrives. Though we have done some shopping, we have yet to arrange it's space. We have not cleared the cupboard to put its clothes, arrange a changing table and also really identify the things we want to put upstairs. Honestly, of late, I've not been a good planner. I dislike planning ahead and have always been spontaneous. But then again, I am worried that I will not be strong enough to help myself after the delivery, what more to rearrange the room. Hence, i better get these things done right now before it is born.

I am thankful that Leslie's father has taken leave from work to come and help us in January. I am not expecting much from his parents but I think the experience they have as parents and grandparents will guide us to becoming good parents to the baby. His dad cooks pretty well too and I see that as a bonus because it also means that I get to eat nice food during my confinement. It is really consoling to have them around especially since we suffered another setback in our maid recruitment. Apparently the maid that we chose was diagnosed with high blood pressure. As such, we have to reselect another maid and the agency has not provided us with any profile yet. Hence we will not have any maid for another two months, also meaning that we may need to look for a temporary baby sitter. We tried to look for a confinement lady prior to this but most of them were either not interested or wanted to charge between 5000 to 6000 ringgit as the confinement period coincided with Chinese New Year.

All these stress and setbacks that we are experiencing is actually distracting me from the Christmas preparation. It is hard to believe that Christmas is just 11 days away. I am looking forward to this time out from work so that i can readjust myself and prepare for Christmas as well as for the arrival of the baby.

2011-12-11T22:56:00.002+08:00

Last Tuesday, a car parked in front of my vehicle at the clinic. I could not leave the clinic as the car was blocking me. Thank goodness, the driver had some sense, he left the car on a free gear mode and left the handbreak down, hence, the car could be moved even without his presence. However I was not too keen to push the car on my own as I am heavily pregnant and I know that I am not so abled neither am I fit enough to prevent any unwanted accidents should it happen. So I asked a man who was driving around the car park, looking for a parking space to help me, with the intention of letting him have my space after I vacate it. So this kind gentlemen got out from the car and helped me to push the car away. As he was pushing the car and I vacated, another vehicle came along and just drove into the spot. It was so obvious that he saw the man pushing the car away and yet he pretended not to see anything and snatched to parking space. The car which he drove was a new and expensive imported car. The driver was stylish and walked away as though nothing happened. I got a little upset but the man who pushed the car told me that it was ok. I felt embarrassed. I wondered if the rich man felt that his actions was wrong. To be able to afford to drive an expensive vehicle, he must be somehow knowledgeable enough to be civic minded and have some level of common sense but his actions proved otherwise.

Today as I was about leave my work place, I found my car being blocked by a vehicle. The driver parked his vehicle right behind my car even though there was another car parked in front of mine. I was definitely irritated as I was tired from work and it was already late. I was even more upset when I realized that the car was actually parked on the yellow box. Unsurprisingly, the car was a very expensive imported car. I wondered how could the driver afford to buy the car when he did not have the brains to understand how he should park his vehicle. I called the guard for help and he was shocked to see how the other vehicle was parked. By right, he should have clamped the vehicle but he did not dare to as he suspected that it belonged to a VIP. Two guards guided me out from the very tight space. it took us 20 minutes. As I drove out, I noticed that there were plenty of empty parking space in the vicinity. It was really annoying. Why are people so selfish? So much for an educated Malaysian society. I think we are moving backwards when it comes to civics.

2011-12-09T16:23:00.003+08:00

My pink booklet says I am 36 weeks pregnant. My baby bump is still growing and it is beginning to obstruct my movement at times. For example, there are some seats at my office which I cannot get into anymore. Sometimes when I am cooking, the gravy drips on my tummy and burns my skin. I can't walk along narrow paths and I try to park at wider parking lots so that I can easily move in and out of the car. Honestly, I can imagine how inconvenient it is for a person to be obese. It is so difficult to move around with a big tummy. You can't bend and squat whenever you want too. And sometimes little movements can be exhausting.

Anyway, we went to a baby store named little whiz on Tuesday. This shop specializes in selling baby items and most of their customers buy their products through the internet. I am glad that we went to the shop because the owner provided us with very helpful information on practical things to buy. We got the sterilizer and food warmer from her as well as breast pads for breast feeding moms. We have yet to buy the mattress for the baby but there is a strong likelyhood that we may buy it from her as well. To date, I think the mattress will be the most expensive item to buy. It costs around 300 ringgit but it is probably worth it as the lady said the one she is using has lasted her for more than 10 years.

It is hard to believe that the baby will be out in less than a month.

2011-12-01T16:35:00.002+08:00

One of the daily necessary routine of an expectant mother is to monitor the movement of the child in the womb. She must feel the child move more than 10 times in less than 10 hours or otherwise immediately go to the hospital for further action. Lack of movement actually means that the child may be in danger. In most cases it is because the child is suffocated by the umbilical cord or is experiencing other problems. I actually have a problem monitoring my child's movement. This is because I can hardly feel it move even though its movement is visible to others. My baby bump can move so aggressively at yet I may not even notice it myself. Hence, I sometimes panic and worry because of that. I have to grip on to my tummy for a while and wait for it to move before I can sigh in relieve. I don't know why I am less sensitive in this. Maybe it is because I am too occupied with other things to the extend that the baby's movement can hardly be felt. At 5pm today, I suddenly realized that I hardly felt the baby move today. I got worried and started to imagine things. What if my child is choked? It's been so many hours, what if it is gone? Fear overwhelmed me for a while. I found myself a private corner in the office and gripped to my stomach for a while and waited. The movement did not come. I held my tummy in fear and waited for another 5 minutes and suddenly felt the kick. It was such a relieve. At least it is still alive.

2011-11-30T10:37:00.002+08:00

The little one is 35 weeks old in my womb now. My stomach is huge and the stretch marks can be seen. I still do not know its gender yet but the Filipina who gave me a pre-natal massage on Monday insisted that it is a boy. I asked her why and she said she has four boys herself and she knows how a mother expecting a boy looks like. Some elders have also indicated that it is very likely to be a boy but I guess we will only be sure of its gender when we hold it in our arms. Anyway, boy or girl, it does not really matter. What's most important is that it is healthy and that its delivery is smooth and God willing, it will not be our only child. At 35 weeks, I can still do some things like drive myself to work, cook, do light gardening, do some housework...etc. Due to my baby bump, I can't really pick things up from the floor these days. I can't do too much laundry or squat. People say I walk pretty fast for someone of my condition but i do experience shortness of breath each time I walk up the stairs at work. Some male colleagues have advised me to use the lift but I still use the stairs as a form of exercise. Of course I have to be extra cautious so that I do not fall.

I am still able to sleep reasonably well at night, my feet does not really swell but my fingers experience joints pain especially when I sleep. I feel warm most of the time and sweat a lot more than usual hence the increase in our laundry. I am seriously thinking of cutting my hair short yet I am worried that I would look terrible as I've always had difficulty managing my hair when it is short. But then again, i cannot stand having sweat dripping down my hair especially during the afternoons when the weather is warm.

We have started to shop for the baby's items but I have to admit that compared to others, we have not spent much. Being willing to accept hand me downs actually saves a lot of money. Our latest collection of hand me downs are an electric milk pump (from my cousin), a nursing pillow and a bottle of DOM (from Janice and Alvin), a baby hammock (from a BEC member), baby clothes (from Uncle Lim's Grandson), Baby cot, Napkins, Baptism clothes, CD's, Toys (from Shawn) and so on. We still need to shop for milk bottles and sterilizer, bathing tub, baby car seat (someone is also offering a hand me down) and a little bit of this and that.

Advent this year is indeed special for the both of us as we are literally waiting in anticipation for the birth if our own child. It would be even more interesting if the baby decides to come on Christmas day itself.

2011-11-05T17:57:00.002+08:00

I'm moving towards the 8Th month of my pregnancy now. I'm growing in size the my wardrobe is getting limited. I'm not able to wear most of my clothes now. I went shopping a few weeks ago to increase my selection of clothes but unfortunately it was not fruitful due to two reasons. One being my unique body size (as always) and secondly the price. I don't know if the price of clothes is getting more expensive these days or maternity clothes are naturally more expensive than ordinary ones but i honestly feel that they are over priced. For example, I bought a pair of slacks for RM 90 after getting a 70% discount. Most maternity clothes are priced RM 80 and above. I wished I had a body frame which was ordinary like most people. I wish I could fit into all types of clothes so that I would not need to worry so much about not having suitable clothes to wear. I feel frustrated when I have to think of clothes. If one were to ask me about what I disliked about being pregnant, my appearance would definitely top the list. I dislike to look at myself in the mirror these days. I dislike my size and the way I dress. I look forward to delivery so that I can wear back my old clothes again and lose the extra pounds and feel good about myself again.

Other than my appearance, I think i ought to be grateful that my pregnancy has not given me much problem. I have been pretty healthy, did not need to see any doctors other than for my usual monthly check-up and on a whole, i think i have been eating pretty well (without indulging too much due to cravings). Of course I do experience the effects of pregnancy like tiredness and aches and pains but which expecting mother would not need to go through that? It is just part and parcel of being pregnant and i accept it.

Though we are eight months pregnant, I have to say both Leslie and myself are not fully ready for the child yet. Firstly, we have not found a confinement lady. Secondly, there's no permanent helper to help us yet. We are waiting for Sokha's replacement to come but I am not sure if she will arrive before the baby. Neighbors have been helpful but more in the aspect of offering advice. One neighbor gave me a few recipe's (really good ones) to be used during confinement. (She did not have any confinement lady when she delivered her children and actually looked after herself, hence she is pretty confident that I can do the same), another neighbor offered me phone numbers of confinement ladies but we opted not to consider them due to extravagant charges. So far, we have only bought 1 item for the baby which is a stroller and we hope to shop for more items during the upcoming baby fair in two weeks time. Having a baby is surely not cheap. We need to put aside a few thousands to prepare for its arrival.

Well I hope all will turn out fine and i pray that our little junior will be a healthy child and that we can like other families, grow in love, peace and harmony.

2011-10-11T20:07:00.002+08:00

Today was my medical check up at the Klinik Kesihatan. I was initially worried as I thought I had gained more than 3 kg (as reported by the unreliable weighing scale at home). I was scolded by the nurse last month for the sudden weight gain and I was not looking forward to be scolded again this time. Thankfully, the scale at the clinic revealed that i had only gained 1 kg (pretty little for someone who is in her 3rd trimester).

The nurse told me that everything seemed normal and that my hemoglobin readings had improved. Hence, she encouraged me to stop the iron supplement (which i would gladly do due to 2 reasons. 1st. It did not taste nice and 2ndly i read that too much of Iron will lead to some side effects in health). As I'm now in my 3rd trimester, my check up at the clinic will be more regular. i will need to go for check up every once in two weeks and I now need to keep track of my baby's movement. So I need to carry my pink book with me all the time and make a tick whenever I feel the baby move. It's going to be a little troublesome but I believe I will soon get use to it. The nurse also told me that i need to increase my milk intake so that I will not get cramps on my leg in the night. She said those cramps are cause by the lack of calcium.

I am a fat expecting mother and I am overweight for sure. I am trying to push myself to do some exercise so that I will have the stamina to PUSH when it's time to deliver. Besides, I know what it feels like to grow up being fat, hence I don't want my child to go through what I went through during my teenage years. Now, I must control my weight and God willing, everything will be alright.

2011-10-07T21:10:00.002+08:00

Serving others seems to be ideal. But then again, I think I have my limitations. To me, I think I can only serve others when I can cope with things. I can't serve others when I don't even have time for myself to do the necessary important matters. For me important matters include getting my own life in order, making sure that I don't have a pile of things waiting for me to clear. I don't want to be stressed out because I am constantly getting errants done leaving no time to relax and breathe. I enjoy certain moments when I can just lie on my bed and relax, not having to think of a single task.

Of late, relaxing has not been an option. I wake up in the morning with errants running in my head. I don't sleep well because I am constantly reminded that I have things to settle before I go to work. So I drag myself out from bed even though I still could do with some extra sleep and walk down the stairs to get what I have to do done. I try to enjoy whatever i am doing but then again, time does not wait. I realise that I'll be late for work if I do not hurry and suddenly, I feel pressured. And so, I rush to prepare for work and drive to work in a stress mode for fear that I won't be able to clock in on time. When I reach my work place, I breathe with a sigh of relieve, knowing that I made it on time. When I reach home after work, I can't afford to sit on the sofa because there's errants awaiting me. I have stopped enjoying the tv programmes because there's no time for it. When I get the errants done, it's already time to sleep. I feel as though I'm like a robot. A very task oriented one. And so I lack of emotions these days. I seldom sit down and look at the greens in the garden anymore.

So I often get irritated when people promise on my behalf that I can get certain things done. Because I don't think I am currently in a condition whereby i can be generous enough to run favours for others because I myself do not even have the time to get my own agendas done. TO add on, I am expecting a child and I want to prepare for the arrival of the child. I don't want to have a child in a messy environment whereby things are not in order and I end up feeling stressed, worst still, to have pre-natal depression. I plan to enjoy motherhood in a normal way and not have people sympathizing over my condition. The problem is, some people just are not sensitive enough to understand these concerns. Some people tend to see things in a very simple manner. Perhaps they lack exposure to realize that.

2011-10-06T16:54:00.002+08:00

I lost my tooth today! I am saddened by the fact that I lost it. I was having massive pain on my upper right molar for 4 days and finally I had the time to see the dentist (Lee Fah) today. She took a look at my tooth and gave me a sympathetic look.
Lee Fah: "Jenn ah, your tooth has cracked. It's a very long crack. I think it's gone."
Me: "You mean I can't do anything about it anymore?"
Lee Fah:"I'm afraid so"
Me: "Are you saying I need to extract it?"

So, I got the very unexpected done today. I got my tooth extracted. Honestly, I thought the whole process was worse than what I went through when I extracted my wisdom tooth. i think she took almost 15 minutes to get it done. Reason being, my tooth broke into 3! That shows how bad the crack was. I don't like the fact that I don't have a perfect set of teeth anymore. I don't like the fact that I am going to get an artificial tooth. I also don't like the fact that I'll be spending a bomb on my tooth next year. My other concern was that this whole dental adventure may have a effect on my pregnancy. I hope my child will not be effected. My upper right gum really hurts right now and I cannot take any pain killer other than panadol.

After leaving the clinic, I went to Tesco to do buy some grocery. The experience was HORRIBLE. It was a MISTAKE to go there. While I was getting some things, my gum started to hurt. I thought I could bear the pain so I just made it a point to get all that I wanted to buy as fast as I could. The pain got worse and I headed to the counter to pay (since I did not want my efforts to be wasted). Most of the counters were closed. I was unfortunate enough to Que behind this REALLY SLOW guy. He was REALLY SLOW and had so much to buy. He took his own sweet time to take the things out one by one from the very full cart and took his own sweet time to pack the goods and put them back in the cart. My gosh my patience was tested to the brim. Then suddenly, while I waited, I started to feel uncomfortable inside. I felt like vomiting and dizzy and I started to sweat. I really felt like sitting down on the floor but I told myself that I had gone this far hence I should finish my task. The feeling was horrible. I called Lee Fah to ask why I was feeling this way and she told me that I should have gone home straight to rest as I was expecting and it was natural that I would feel a little sick. Goodness me. It was Horrible......so today was a really bad day for me. I know everyone is sad about Steve Jobs' death for me but for now, I don't care because my gums hurt so badly.

2011-10-03T22:28:00.002+08:00

After sending her to the airport about a month ago, we went to LCCT last night to pick Sokha. We waited for more than an hour only to discover that she did not board the plane. I was upset alright, but at the same time not surprised. After all that has happened for the past few months, we expected her to disappoint us in this manner. What made me angry was that she did not bother to even tell us that she did not want to return. We would have accepted it if she had just at least informed us. In fact, it was she who asked to come back and work. We were prepared to let her go and find another domestic helper. But she begged and said that she needed the money and asked us to keep her. So much for the crocodile tears and tales, she finally proved to me that I had not misjudged her.

The consequence of the event is that my mom is now partially neglected. She is left alone at home when we go to work. The good thing about my current job is that I work on shifts. Hence, I still can prepare her meals (most of the time) and leave it on the table for her so that she can help herself. This new arrangement is working but it is not a very good plan. Reason being I'll be delivering in 3 months time and I won't be able to be her caregiver during confinement as I myself will need assistance. The other problem is that we will have a baby in the house in three months time and the baby would need to be cared for. Hence, we would still need to find a caregiver that is able to do both. My mom for now actually still can clean and bathe on her own. Hence the helper's role is mainly to prepare her meals and make sure that she does not fall. Why are we adamant about getting a helper to be in the house? Because I think it saves cost and at the same time everyone can remain happy. I've observed nursing homes function and I've seen how overworked workers dump their stress on the occupants. I've heard of scary babysitters who neglect the child they have been paid to care for. Hence if we employ a caregiver to come and work at our home, we believe the person will do a better job and be happier. Besides, my mom will be able to also look out for her grandchild and make sure that its not being ill treated by the caregiver. The question now is, how do we find a solution within such a short period of time? As for Sokha, i think I would prefer to let her be history and not talk about her anymore because speaking of her will only upset us all.....

2011-09-22T02:36:00.003+08:00

I'm in my sixth month of pregnancy and I experienced a sudden weight gain. It is actually pretty disturbing. What did I do wrong? I can't figure out an accurate answer. Is it the cakes that I've been eating? The extra slices of bread I had for breakfast? The brown rice that we are now eating? Sigh......it's disturbing. I seldom take supper unless when I'm working. That too, i only take snacks and not heavy meals. The nurse has instructed that I take another glucose test which I took this morning. The experience was horrible. I had to fast and drink a glass full of very thick syrup (so thick that it was a little bitter) and wait for two hours without consuming any water or food before I had my blood drawn to test if I was diabetic. I will not know the results until my next medical appointment which is 3 weeks from now. I am worried that I will have diabetes because that will lead to many other risk for myself as well as the baby. The constant heartburn continues from time to time. I've searched for remedies but there seem to be none as the solutions that are available are not appropriate for pregnant women.
Today, while waiting in clinic, the nurse shared with us about birth control. The government is advocating healthy pregnancies and is highly recommending that women space out their pregnancies by at least two years. The nurse shared with us on family planning methods and to be honest, none of the suggested methods were useful for me as it is wrong for Catholics to use them. Among the suggestions were the use of condoms, birth control pills, vasectomy, birth control implant.....just to name a few. Two things ran in my head as I listened. Firstly, i felt disgusted when some shared on the different options. Some shared about what they do to prevent pregnancies. They were honest and open but I felt it was inappropriate to share such a personal encounter with strangers. Secondly, how about Catholics who are not aware of the Church's teachings? I'm sure they would listen and accept all the method's that is being suggested and practice them. Would that not be a sin then? Before we dismissed, the nurse reminded us to discuss with our husbands on which birth control method to opt for. I was truly uncomfortable. Don't i want to have a healthy pregnancy and remain free from all the unwanted aches and pains at the later years of my life? of course I do. But then again, I've been taught that it is wrong to do what I was taught to do at the clinic this morning. Why didn't the nurse teach us about the family planning method that's being promoted by the Church? Getting pregnant to be honest has made me see life very differently. I believe once the child comes, Leslie will also see a lot of changes take place in his life too. Lets pray and hope that the changes will lead us to grow in a positive manner.

2011-09-13T14:27:00.002+08:00

I read a note on a friend's facebook yesterday stating that she has been diagnosed with cancer. I am still in a state of shock over what i read. I laid in bed last night thinking over her situation. She is married with two very young kids. I wondered how did her husband accept the news. As far as I'm concern, he loves her deeply and i'm very positive that this news really breaks his heart. How is he going to cope looking after the two kids while my friend undergoes her treatment? They just recently bought a landed property and are still paying for the loan. It must be a very difficult period for this family. I tried to figure out the cause of the cancer but it just did not make sense. My friend leads a very healthy lifestyle. They don't smoke and don't drink. In fact, my friend is a health freak. She exercises A LOT and is always careful with her diet. Yet she has cancer. How could this be? I'm shocked by what is happening to my friend, it also serves as a reminder to us that cancer can just hit anybody, without any signs and symptoms, even when we try our best to be healthy. Scary isn't it?

2011-09-10T18:43:00.003+08:00

Recently, someone seems to be giving me cold shoulders. This person is a new friend. I had not met her for a few days and suddenly after she returns, she begins to give me cold shoulders and I don't even know why. Did I do anything wrong? I hardly speak to that person and only say hi and bye and yet I'm receiving cold treatment from this person. What did I do wrong I wonder. Gheez..... people are really weird. As I grow older, I tend to meet really weird people around.........don't they feel miserable this way?

2011-09-08T14:24:00.002+08:00

According to the pink book, I am 24 weeks pregnant. Why am I not confident to declare the age of my pregnancy? It is because I lost count of my last menstrual cycle and thus the doctors are unable to accurately confirm the age of my fetus. The pink book is a record of my pregnancy. It carries the details throughout my pregnancy. Every expecting mother who seeks treatment at the government's health clinic will be very familiar with this pink book which looks like an exercise book. It is an essential item to carry with us whenever we see our doctors.

Unlike most of my peers, I think I've been pretty lucky. I do not suffer from much complications throughout this pregnancy. So far, I've not vomited. I have other symptoms and discomforts but I think compared to other expecting mothers, mine is rather minor. Recently, I've been experiencing heart burns. I feel discomfort below my chest, the websites on the Internet tells that this is a normal experience for mothers who are moving towards the end of their second trimester. I do not have cravings but I'm gaining weight pretty rapidly, around 2 Kg per month. It is actually pretty disturbing as I do not want to be obese again.

Am I ready for motherhood? Not really. In fact, I cannot imagine what lies ahead. I don't know if Leslie is ready as well. It sounds simple enough and most of my friends have gone through it but then again, are we ready to sacrifice the freedom that we currently have for the little one that is expected to arrive in January? I don't know. I also am not sure if our finances are sufficient to lead a comfortable life after the little one comes. But then again, I'm sure we are financially better off then many other poor people out there and they seem to be coping well with parenthood, so I guess we should be able to pull through, unless....we start comparing ourselves with other people who seem to be able to afford everything under the sun.

At 24 weeks, how is my baby? Well according to books and websites, it already has all the vital organs and has a 40% survival chance if it is born. It can hear and function like a human and even pee but its skin is still delicate. It's starting to require more calcium and I must make sure that I have enough so that it won't need to share the calcium needed for my body. Am I excited? Well...OF COURSE!!!

2011-07-28T15:15:00.002+08:00

After papa passed on, my communication with our domestic helper started to deteriorate. She started to show signs of dishonesty. I discovered this because my working hours were inconsistent and she was not aware of it. Sometimes when I returned home, she was not in the house. I also learnt that she bought herself a cellular phone from another domestic helper living in the same neighbourhood. When I confronted her over the matter, she lied to cover her act. I was shocked and disappointed because all these while, we had praised her for her honesty. I don't know what happened. I don't know if someone had approached her while we were at work and influenced her or she was finally being herself, to be brave enough to reveal her true colours. We began to notice that she lied a lot and often denied her actions.

Today, my neighbour's domestic helper came over to talk to me. I do not know her intentions. I don't know if she came over to speak to me in order to protect herself or because she was sincere and wanted to help. She told me that our domestic helper has been communicating with another person living in the neighbourhood. She told me that our girl had been using her trips to buy bread as an excuse because she always went another direction instead of walking towards the shop. She said the girl has been buying phone cards from the other person and has been making friends with other domestic helpers in the area. (I am not surprise because I notice that she often gets food from others whom she claims to be neighbors)

I am actually not surprise with all that I heard but I felt really disappointed. I felt disappointed because she had promised us that she would not do things that would jeopardize our trust towards her again.

Earlier this month, after making a phone call back to her hometown, she told us that she had family problems and wanted to return to Cambodia. We decided to let her go on the condition that we find a replacement before she leaves. I am currently searching for a replacement and it has been a very challenging task for me. Firstly, it is very costly to bring in a maid these days regardless of their nationality. It costs between 11 - 13 thousand just to bring them in. The salary of the domestic helpers now range between 650 - 1200 ringgit. Having lived with one for 3 years now, I realized that there are many factors which I need to consider when choosing a maid as well. Since I am currently expecting, I need to consider the safety of my infant under the care of the maid while I am away. I need to make sure that she is hygienic and is not reckless. I also need to make sure that the maid is patient with my mother and knows how to cope with my mom. It sounds as though as I am looking for a perfect maid but then again, I think these factors are really important factors, I am going to put the lives of two very important people in the hands of this person whom I am going to employ and I must make sure that they will be cared for.

2011-07-20T20:08:00.002+08:00

Do we judge our parents too much? Some of us now live with aging parents who need extra care. No doubt, some parents can be naughty and do things that cause them to deteorate but then again, are we depriving them of their own personal freedom when we supervise them too much? Why do we bother so much. Is it because we really love them or is it because we do not want them to cause further inconvenience in our lives? I think some of us complain do much. We say that they are not helping themselves, they spend too much time watching tv, they are wasting their life away...so on and so forth but then again, how much effort are we putting in to make their life better? Do we even spend at least an hour a day with them? Do we talk to them? I think some of us are getting a little too big headed because we seem to be more educated then our parents. We think we are cleaverer than them. So we become bossy when caring for them. Perhaps it is time for us to reflect on our sincerity.

2011-07-11T21:09:00.002+08:00

I've heard of her name a few times in the past. She made some statements on the judicial system and the human rights issues. She spoke up for those who could not defend themselves. I always saw her as someone who was just doing her job right and nothing more. She was one of those who often made statements which I would agree upon. Yet, despite all, I only saw her as another ordinary woman who was doing things right. Uncorrupted but nothing spectacular. Recently, this lady made headlines. She became a household name all of a sudden. She became someone whom many Malaysians knew. Some people see her as a heroine while others see her as a threat, a villain. To me, Dato' Ambiga Sreenevasan is someone who is just doing her job right, fighting for a cause which she believes it. The recent bersih 2.0 incident however made a little switch in my perception towards her, from nothing spectacular to someone impressive. I am impressed by her courage to be adamant in pursuing something which she truly believes in. I do not know if her determination was politically motivated or not but I am amazed by the energy this woman has. She was threatened, called names and yet she stood firm in her mission. Did she not fear death? Did she not worry about her own safety and also the safety of her loved ones? I hope I have the courage that she has someday, to be brave enough to stand up for something that I believe in.

2011-07-08T21:58:00.002+08:00

I am expecting my first child. It is a wonderful experience. Of course everyone is excited and I'm glad that they are happy for me. Concerns are being shown upon me, especially on my diet and my health. Every mother would want their child to be born healthy, and of course she would do her utmost best to do things right so that the little one arrives healthily into this world. What frustrates me is that I have certain individuals who try contribute too much in this pregnancy. They tell me to eat things which they think is good for me. I have only ONE stomach and I can only eat this much. Besides, the tongue is mine and there are things which I get tired of eating. The doctor has warned me against taking too much herbs and so has other people, but some people still won't listen and overdo things. Why is it that they don't trust me to look after myself? Why do they want to be stubborn and force me to follow their way when the pregnancy is mine? I am grateful for their concerns but I want to have my say too. I want to have a choice in what I eat. I know how much my body can take, why can't they just leave me alone? I am frustrated because it involves money too and I don't like wastage.

2011-07-08T21:13:00.002+08:00

Looking at the traffic and chaos happening out there, I am grateful that I was given three days off from work. I did not request for the off day but somehow, my boss arranged for me to be off. Whatever it is, I am grateful. Honestly, I do not see the need for such road blocks to take place in the city. How can one identify a potential demonstrator on the eve of a demonstration? Do they paint their face yellow or shout slogans on the street to identify themselves? Why must the rakyat have to go through the roadblocks and be stranded in the jams? What is the purpose of such enforcement? There is only 1 reason why I do not want to go near the city tomorrow and that is because I fear the enforcement. I am worried that I may be injured in the situation should things get rough. I fear the water cannons and tear gas, I fear a possible stamped, I fear the safety of the child I am carrying in my womb. I feel all these enforcement is only increasing the rakyat's frustration. Some people may blame the organizers of the rally for initiating the event and cause their routine to be disrupted but I think what the administration is doing is a presentation of its fear. I feel the administration is being defensive and not open to listen to the voice of the rakyat. To listen to their frustration and disappointment, to accept that there is a weakness in the current administration and further improve for the people's sake. The leader of the rally is a learned lady. She shows no signs of violence. Her fellow organizers are respectful people in society, they I believe do not carry weapons. Why then should the administration fear them? Perhaps listening to their words of wisdom may bring the nation to a greater level of success?

2011-06-18T18:41:00.002+08:00

The most interesting thing happened to me at work today. A colleague who is not well liked by others actually saved my day at the very last minute. Ever since I came to the editor's desk, everyone has been nice to me except for her. For the last 3 weeks, I found her to be anti-social and mysterious. She hardly spoke to anyone and she always kept to herself, keeping her work very much to herself and never really shared anything with anyone even when she was supposed to. Fellow colleagues often complained that it was difficult to work with her due to this attitude. However, what happened today seems to tell me that I should give her a second chance and try to understand her. There was an error in our duty roster and I had to take up the duty of the editor who was absent. All this while, I had worked under a senior editor. However, today's situation required me to work alone and take charge of two news sessions. As I had never done that duty at all before, I struggled and almost could not finish on time, all of a sudden she approached me and offered to help out. She corrected my errors and even contributed some stories. She was so helpful and it actually took me some time to recover and accept her assistance. I am shocked by what she did and I think her actions actually changed our relationship. She smiled for the first time and she bade us goodbye before she left. I am still puzzled by wha happen and I do not know if she will smile at me when I see her again the next day, but what i know is that today's experience tells me that she can be nice, if I play the cards right with her and maybe I can help to make her more approachable at work in the future.

2011-06-05T20:00:00.002+08:00

It's been 4 days since I moved to the editor's desk. The experience has been facinating. I am amazed by how fellow editors manage to produce news for airing every hour. I must admit that I have much to learn. The only downside which I don't really like about my work is that I have to come in at very odd hours. Sometimes I have to work overnight, sometimes I have to start work at 4am in the morning. The working hours are odd and I wonder if I am able to cope with it. I look forward to gaining experience and producing news which I can be proud of.

2011-05-30T06:32:00.002+08:00

A few days ago, I lost my patience towards some people because of time. The people who were supposed to replace my night duty came in half an hour late. I was frustrated. I was exhausted and had a whole list of things waiting to be done yet, I had to delay my plans because they were late. To add salt to the wound, they were my friends, so I lost my temper and I did not react positively when they walked into the room. I was upset and I wanted to send the message across and I burst. Obviously, my friends were shocked. I guess they did not expect that to come from me.
Although I knew they were wrong to be late, I was disturbed by the way I had reacted. I somehow had a sense of guilt. I felt guilty of showing my frustration. Till now, I still feel guilty for bursting. I have not met those friends yet and I don't know if they are upset with me or not but I feel uncomfortable that I let it happen.
It is a culture at my workplace for people at my work place to walk into the office late. The culture started because people were assigned to duties that were out of their shift hours. Hence, the department heads allowed the flexibility to happen. However, some people have taken this flexibility for granted, they come in late because they had personal matters to settle. As the number of staffs in our office is big, their lateness do not affect their fellow colleagues during the normal shifts, sadly, some of them carry this lateness with them when they are on night and morning shifts whereby there is only 1 person on duty and the person needs to wait for them to come before they leave the office so that the office is not left unattended. I was told this morning by a fellow colleague that there are some people who came in 2 hours late for their duty and caused other people to wait for them without having any sense of guilt. How could people do such things? I just cannot understand. Even if our colleagues are not punctual, does it mean we have to be like them?

2011-05-27T17:41:00.002+08:00

My phone rang twice this morning. It was rare for this friend to call at such an odd hour. Besides, she was not one of those who would call as she preferred to SMS. I tried to call back but no one answered the call. I felt a little uncomfortable. Two hours later, my phone rang again. My heart beat faster when i discovered that the person over the phone was not my friend. I embraced myself for the bad news. My friend Wei Ming had passed on. She died yesterday after a fall in the bathroom. She was recovering from a surgery. My heart sank.

Many questions rushed into my head. WHY? HOW? HOW COME? How did she feel during the last moments of her life? How about her aging parents? She was their only child, who would take care of them? I felt emptiness all of a sudden. I felt like crying but no tears flowed......... Wei Ming was my friend since 14. She was a simple girl and was carefree. I never felt stress whenever I was with her. I could talk about anything under the sun and she would listen. I remember her especially for her laughter. It was so easy to make her laugh. She laughed at almost everything even when we talked about serious matters. Being simple minded, Wei Ming never furthered her studies after form 5. She was not a slow learner. She just did not see the need to further her studies to obtain better qualifications. She was contented with her surroundings so much so that she did not switch jobs at all. She worked as a cashier at the bowling alley for almost thirteen years from the day she left school until the day she died. Despite not earning much, Wei Ming was always generous. She always paid for my food whenever we ate at her workplace. She was the cashier, thus she always paid before I could even ask the waitress for the bill. Sometimes she even paid for one or two of my bowling games, telling me to just keep quiet and enjoy the game because I do not have the priviledge of getting a discount.

Wei Ming's passing is a loss for me. I have loss a dear friend whom I was always comfortable with. I am going to miss her. It hurts to be unable to see her for the last time, to bid her farewell. It hurts to know that I was never by her side when she was sick, it hurts to know that I was not a good friend. I felt the pain when the caller told me that Wei Ming's mother insisted that I was informed of her death as I was her good friend. Rest in Peace Wei Ming. Until we meet again.......

2011-05-10T21:25:00.002+08:00

History repeated again today and I just could not believe that what happened did happen. This time however, things are slightly different. Somebody actually said that I made a statement which I did not make at all.

I remembered sharing with a colleague on how I would approach unfriendly colleagues if I ever encountered with one. I did not specifically mention any names neither did I say that I disliked anybody in the office. To me, it was merely a general sharing on how to deal with office politics.

Today, a junior colleague approached me and asked me if I told that particular colleague that I disliked some people in the office. I was surprised. This junior colleague told me that that person told her that I disliked some senior staff in the office. I was disappointed and stunned at the same time. I had trusted that colleague so much and felt so comfortable speaking to her. Now, I realize that she cannot be trusted. Besides, I never told her neither did I tell anyone that I disliked anybody in the office. I sincerely hope that this is happening due to miscommunication as both of us are more comfortable using different languages. Maybe she misunderstood me. Nevertheless, once bitten twice shy, perhaps I really need to just shut up and focus on getting my work done.

2011-05-10T21:13:00.002+08:00

I got a chance to speak to Dato' Dr. Jimmy Choo today. It was an interesting experience. My colleague was so excited when she got a glimpse of him, I however was less enthusiastic. Yet, I think I should thank my colleague for her enthusiasm otherwise, I would not have gotten the opportunity to speak to him and shake his hand. Despite his fame, I have to say that I am inspired by his humility. He was so approachable and willing to help. Speaking to him today tells me that success is not that difficult to achieve, all we need is the right attitude.

2011-05-09T09:08:00.002+08:00

I walked into the office yesterday and was rudely shocked by what was being reported in a reknown daily. My colleages were discussing about it and I felt totally uncomfortable with what I heard. I being a minority opted to keep my opinions to myself but deep within me, I was upset by what was written in the paper. I was dissapointed that the daily could make such a bold statement and yet get away with it. How can we allow such reporting to be done in our country? How could a reporter write an article based on an assumption and not the truth? Will action be taken against the reporter and the newspaper for propagating false belief and hatred? I pray for justice to be done.

2011-04-17T22:46:00.002+08:00

I followed the Sarawak Elections with great interest and I secretly supported a particular party. My observation also made me see how some people cheated in gaining the people's support. Although I am married to a Sarawakian, I do not think I am in the right position to announce my opinion towards the outcome of the elections. I have not stayed in the state long enough to really judge its leadership. All I can say is that the lives of the Sarawakians could be better.

I read today's paper with great interest and one victory which captured my attention was Baru Bian's victory. I only knew who Baru Bian was after reading the articles today. Prior to this, all I knew about Baru Bian was that he was the opposition coalition's choice of Chief Minister should they topple the state government. Today, I discovered about his deeds, I learnt how he helped to natives to fight for their land. To me, his victory is most deserving.

Although the Opposition Coalition failed to deny the Barisan Coalition of the 2/3 majority, I think DAP did really well in this election. Yet, one question that I ask is if the candidates representing DAP really had the credibility to win. Did they win because they were really capable or did they win because the citizens in their constituency was so fed-up with the present government that they just wanted someone else to win. THe candidates who represented DAP were those who were only in their 20's with not much experience, yet they won their seats with big majorities. Did the elders vote for them because they have seen them in action and really trusted their capability? I wonder.

If the opposition wants to win the trust of the people, they must start working hard now. The opposition needs more Baru Bians who would serve the people CONSISTENTLY with great sincerity. There's a lot to be done in Sarawak, hence there should be no excuse for future want to be leaders to say that they were not given enough opportunities to help to build the state.

Sarawak is a beautiful state, rich in nature and culture yet there are many who live in poverty. Some are contented with life while many are struggling to survive. Some have left the state for greener pastures elsewhere. I hope the elected leaders will sustain and preserve the natural beauty of the state and work on improving the economy of the state.

2011-04-09T22:03:00.002+08:00

It's been a long time since I wrote in this blog. Many things have happened yet I hardly shared anything here. I sometimes ask myself where has my enthusiasm gone to? Is facebook ruining my life? I think it is, yet, I cannot resist it and I succumb to the temptations found in facebook.

I'm currently adjusting to a new environment. I started my second part-time job a week ago and am still adjusting to it. I find myself exhausted at the end of the day and I wish I did not have to mark anymore essays. What to do? I live in KL, things are expensive here and we are just starting to build a family and there's extra expenditure involved, thus, I need to force myself to do a little more to contribute my part and lighten my husband's financial burden.

I find my new job interesting and I can sense that I will eventually find fulfilment in it. I was recruited to be a radio news editor but since I lack in experience, they have assigned me to be a news reporter for the time being. I follow senior reporters to functions and events and learn how to write a news report for the event. It looks easy but for a beginner like me, the task is not that easy as I'm not familiar with the reporting language. However, the enthusiasm which I see in my colleagues motivates me. I see fulfilment in their faces whenever they hear their reports being read in the news. I seek to achieve that kind of fulfilment someday although I do not plan to retire as a reporter. I still want to be a news editor. I'm glad that I'm taking this new challenge =)

2011-02-24T21:54:00.002+08:00

It's been 24 days since papa left us and life is back to how it was before papa's passing. The only difference is that there are now four people in the house instead of five and that papa's bed is no longer in the common area of the house. Despite his absence, papa is constantly in my head. I think for as long as I continue to live in this house, I will continue to think of him every day. I don't know why but sometimes I still shed tears whenever I think of him. For example, I went to TM today to end papa's telephone subscription and much to my own surprise, I had difficulty telling the girl over the counter that papa had died. I managed to hold back my tears but I was taken aback by my own emotions. I felt my nose wet as I wrote a letter to papa's 96 year old friend, informing him about papa's passing. It was just out of my control and I cannot explain why.

TO be honest, I was not emotionally close to papa when he was sick. I did not now how to communicate with him. In fact, our relationship had already become distanced ever since I left home to further my studies. By the time I moved home to stay with my parents, papa was already diagnosed with Dementia. Thus I never really had any heart to heart talk with him, our communication was not enough to create any form of emotional attachment. Yet, I'm experiencing this and I cannot explain why.

On the other hand, mom seems to handle his passing very well. She seemed so relaxed these days. She sleeps well and laughs more. I know what I'm about to say is merely an assumption and may not be true but I believe that God brought papa to Shah Alam so that mom would get adjusted to her new living environment first. I doubt mom would have been this calm if papa had left her while we were still in Penang. Well, God always works in mysterious ways and many things that happen in our life often has its reasons and only God knows why they happen.

A tribute to Papa from a Neighbor

2011-02-10T09:25:00.000+08:00

I will always remember Uncle Peter a kind man - calm, soft spoken and warm-hearted. His kindness and your mom's hospitality always made your home a place where your friends feel welcomed.

His kindness (of giving me many song tapes) allowed me to enjoy numerous beautiful hymns and songs of praise, ...not to mention the many times when he and your mum allowed me to play the piano forte in your home when I still could not afford a piano.Thinking back, I greatly appreciate all your tolerance of me for 'polluting' your sense of hearing. :P

I could still remembered him riding his 'lau yar' motorbike with either your mum, or one of you sitting on the pillion behind passing by my house...

And how I enjoyed his hospitality during Christmas, the BEC gatherings and many other occassions.

Oh yes, I will not forget the good old Uncle Peter.

Both he and your mum have brought you up well and turned you guys into fine persons.

2011-02-10T08:33:00.002+08:00

I've heard in the past that the soul of the deceased would return home on the 7th day after his death and that the chinese would place white powder on the floor so that they would know if their dearly departed did return. I thought about this belief when papa passed on and wondered if it was true. I also wondered if papa would go home to Penang or here in Shah Alam and my mom said 'of course here lah, there's no one at home in Penang, there's no point for him to go there.
So I got a little anxious after papa's seventh day prayers. I wondered if papa would appear in my dreams and he did not. Instead, I slept more soundly than I usually did and did not even know that Leslie had left for work. Mom told me the following day that papa did come home and she said that there was a lot of people gathering around his bed. I asked her if she saw papa and she said she did not and that the people were blocking her view. I got a little skeptical towards mom's statement. Besides, she also said that she saw one of my brother-in-law among the crowd. My brother-in-law is still alive and thus I concluded that mom was just dreaming.

Yesterday was the 9th day after papa's death. while we were preparing dinner, Sokha confessed that she saw papa early in the morning at 1 am and she ran back to the room. According to her, she was awaken by mom's snoring. It sounded like how papa used to snore and she walked out to check on him, forgetting that he had already passed on. As she walked towards papa's bed, she came to her senses that papa had passed on. Much to her surprise, she saw papa washing his hands and wiping them like how he used to while he was still physically able and he had that cheeky smile on his face. She turned and walked quickly back to her room. She said papa looked happy but it terrified her to see what she saw. Was she dreaming? Only Sokha knows.

While we listened to her, a little florescent green praying mantis rested on the table. It hopped all over me. We tried to take a picture of it but it was blurry. This little praying mantis hopped around on Mary and Leslie too for more than three hours. It was still in the house, resting on the sofa when I went to sleep at around 12. I joked and said maybe it was a symbol of papa and I was scolded for being rude. Nevertheless, that insect amused me because I've never seen an insect behave the way that praying mantis did. It was just too active. I am not saying that the praying mantis was papa, it's such a coincidence to have this insect come during this period of time.

I do miss papa. From time to time, I will shed tears when I think of him. I understand now what is it like to mourn. I'm not sad that he has died. I just miss him.

2011-02-02T06:06:00.003+08:00

At 12 noon, 1 Feb 2011, papa breathed his last. He could not say goodbye, he went silently like how he always comes and goes. Papa was never a loud man, he disliked loudness and valued peace very much.

I was only three when papa retired from the police force. I guess I was the privileged one to have him present in my growing years. He bathed me, fed me and taught me what he could. I remembered how upset I was when he told me that God was my Father while he was just a temporary replacement of Him on earth. I remember asking him why then is my mom my one and only mother and not just a temporary one like him. He had no explanation and I got angry. Papa only hit me once throughout this 30 years of my life and my sisters told me that I refused to speak to him for a week after that hit. For years, I was papa's little hairdresser. I combed his hair twice a day once in the morning after his bath and the second one after his afternoon nap in the afternoon. I would sprinkle Vitalis on his head and comb his hair over and over again until I was satisfied with what I saw in the mirror. Sometimes he accepted my masterpiece while on other times, he combed his hair again after I left the room.

Papa had a few expensive hobbies. One of it was collecting popular songs. He loved music and spent his pocket money making hundreds and hundreds of copies of popular songs, hymns, instrumental music, workshops, prayers.....whatever he could get hold of and interest him. He did not allow us to touch or use his cassette player without his supervision because it was his 'little baby' and was expensive. He spent hours every day maintaining his player. Thanks to this hobby, we grew up listening to all types of songs. I enjoy listening to "Keroncong", oldies, 'Theresa Teng', Jim Reeves, Slim Whitman, Nana Mouskouri because of papa's influence.

Although I became less attached to papa as I grew older, papa still had influence in my school life. He used to carry me on his bike to school, tuition, church and so on. Although I often took the public bus, papa was my most reliable transporter. Rain or shine, he was there. He was rarely late neither did he ever say no to my requests for a lift. To many of my school friends, papa was a handsome dad. He often took off his helmet (showing off his partially bald head) and sat relaxingly on the bike as he waited for me. Our teachers respected papa too. He was once the chairman of the PIBG and he was committed to his position.

Peter Vaz was a man whom everyone respected. He was a man who did not interest gossip makers. People respected him for his simplicity and kindness. Financially, he was not rich. He never even owned a car or traveled out of Peninsular Malaysia. He never even owned a passport but people remember him fondly. Even though he was bed-ridden, he still had people traveling the distance to visit him, to call and ask about him, who sent greeting cards. With his pension of RM 700, he raised four daughters, sent three to University, one to the nursing school. With that little salary, he also gave us shelter and never deprived us of the necessities in life.

Papa is not a millionaire but he will be remembered dearly by everyone. I should not be sad. He has lived a good life. He is in a better place right now.

Rest in Peace Papa. Thank you for raising me,and for sharing what you could share.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

2011-02-01T09:09:00.002+08:00

We celebrated our first anniversary two days ago. There was no candlelight dinner but I was glad with how we started our day. We attended mass in St. Peter's church in Padungan, Kuching early in the morning.It was the 7.30am mass but the church was full (an athmosphere one would never see in the Semenanjung churches on an early Sunday morning). Many people even had to sit outside the church. The church was so alive on that early morning. The choir sang so beautifully, I felt as if I was attending mass on a Christmas morning. After mass, we went for breakfast and then to the market. To some, it sounds so unromantic but I was contented.

2011-01-28T14:11:00.002+08:00

Two months ago, we admitted papa to the Penang GH because we wanted to have his PEG tiub changed. His PEG tube was dirty and we felt it needed to be changed. As it costs RM 5000 plus to get it changed at a private hospital, we decided to save cost by going to GH, after all papa was a civil servant and he is entitled to medical benefits. Sadly to say, I was totally dissatisfied with how they handled papa's case.

1. Upon admission, a lady doctor checked on papa and exclaimed in front of everyone that his PEG tiub was dirty. She said it was disgusting and went around the ward, sharing with her fellow medical officers on how dirty papa's PEG tube was. I honestly felt like telling her off. How could a doctor humiliated a patient in such a manner? She did that not only once but for a few days. She questioned us for not keeping the tube clean and confidently declared that she would have the tube changed.

2. 4 days passed and nothing was mentioned by any doctor about Papa's PEG tube. Over that four days, papa was only treated for his chesty condition (ever since papa was confined to be, papa's been having pneumonia and that was what the doctors treated) We asked the doctor in charge about the PEG tube and the doctor told us that they could not do it. We continued to request and on the fifth day, a medical officer told my sister that the surgeon would change the tube but we had to go and buy the tube. We bought the tube and it was RM 650.

3. On the 6th day, we brought the tube to the doctor and the doctor asked us how to use it. (that was the first joke). My sister explained to the doctor how it was done at the private hospital and the doctor made a remark which shocked us. 'Oh, so complicated one ah, I thought we could just pull it out' Two things ran in my head. Firstly, had it been so easy, we could have easily done it at home and not admit him to a hospital right? Secondly, the PEG tube was attached to my father's stomach, how could we pull a tube out from my dad's stomach? If we did that then we could look into the stomach already right? How could a doctor make such a stupid assumption?

4. On the seventh day, a Gastroenterologist spoke to my sister and told us that it was normal for the PEG Tube to be dirty and that it was unavoidable. He added that the PEG tube can last for two years and we should not change the tube that often as it was not good for the patient. TO me, it was a fair explanation but why did we have to wait for seven days to get such an explanation. To add on, we paid RM 650 for the PEG tube and now, it was not going to be used. I should have filed a complain but I did not. I am sharing this in the blog because I regretted not filing a complain. The medical officers were all very irresponsible in the way they treated my dad. They failed to investigate and made their own assumptions. To add on, one of them passed remarks that humiliated us and also papa. How could a doctor do things like that? How can we trust such doctors to cure us? I have decided that I will file complains in future should I meet such circumstances again. There are too many irresponsible doctors around.

2011-01-28T12:22:00.004+08:00

We live in a terrace house and there is a neighbor who constantly parks their car outside our house everyday, leaving no space for us and also our immediate neighbor to park our own cars. Even when we have outstation visitors, they will still park their car outside ours despite being aware that we need the parking space for ourselves. And because their car is parked outside ours, we and our guests have to leave our cars at a nearby park and walk the distance. Once, this neighbor even blocked our gate with their car and my husband had to leave them a note. THey did apologized but they continued to park outside our house.

It irritates us to see their car outside our house so much so that these days, we would purposely park our car at that spot each time their car is not around. It is a very unhealthy practice but I noticed that some neighbors have resorted to other selfish methods too in order to protect their own parking space. What irritates us the most is that this neighbor would rather take up other people's parking space and leave their own gate clear. One neighbor blatantly described this particular neighbor as selfish. I can't understand how some people can be so thick-skinned. Don't they feel ashamed taking up other people's parking space? If they can afford to buy that many cars, then perhaps they should buy a bigger house for their cars instead denying others from parking in front of their own house.

2011-01-27T23:31:00.003+08:00

We enjoyed all the fuss over us at this time last year. We received tons and tons of smses, greetings, wishes, gifts, praises...etc...etc....etc..... it's almost a year now and we are still standing strong (so far so good).

In this one year of marriage, I've learnt many things about my own husband. I learnt to trust him deeper. I admit that I did feel a little insecure prior to our marriage because he reserved many things from me and that frustrated me a lot. However things have changed for the better. I've learnt to be patient towards his actions (though at times he still irritates me) I respect my husband for the person that he is. Gentle he may be yet he has proven to me that he is worthy to be a family man, a provider. He is not good when it comes to saying the right things but he makes wise decisions that benefits the family. Our first year of marriage was better than I expected. I am grateful to God for all the blessings showered unto us. I pray that the second year of our marriage will be as blissful as the first and I pray that I'll be a better wife and be more life-giving in our marriage. I thank God for the people who walked into our lives and have touched us as we strenghten our marriage.

2011-01-26T21:13:00.003+08:00

Today, we received another mail from this 95 year old uncle. THis was the content.

MY LEGACY TO YOU WHEN I'M GONE

THE ART OF LIVING
Do not always take, you must sometimes give. There is joy in giving, even to those you do not like. Seems paradoxical but it's true. Giving in expectation of reciprocation is not giving. Hatred breeds hatred. You hate yourself in the end.

FREE THINKING
You cannot be a good Christian, a good Muslim, a good Buddhist unless you are a good human being. No religion can help you. You have to help yourself.

HEAVEN AND HELL

Is there heaven or hell? Why worry? You can create a heaven or hell - even in your lifetime. Your future is in your hands. You are your architect. Your future depends on your present deeds. That's KARMA. KARMA is life itself. Be a good human being and don't worry whether there is a heaven or hell.
Remember what you have sown you will certainly reap. You cannot escape. You cannot find a way out.

DREAMS
An elephant never forgets. So does the writer. But to err is human, to forgive devine. My memory of those who have helped me is indelible. May they rest in peace.

CONCLUSION
Got the message above? If not, let it be your mantra. GOOD LUCK, SEE YOU AGAIN- IN HEAVEN, OF COURSE, WHERE ELSE?

My mother felt so sad when she read the letter. She held the letter, waiting for us to come home.

2011-01-26T20:18:00.003+08:00

Today, I have decided to share a letter written by an old friend to my father. Recently, he has been writing letters to my dad. He is aware that my dad is ill but he still writes. This letter was dated 23/12/10 (the day we left Penang). I'm sure reading what he wrote to dad leaves us with different thoughts. I have omitted the names for privacy reasons

Dear Peter,

I understand you have removed to stay in Shah Alam. Although it is not too far away from Penang, I feel I have lost you forever and cannot say when I can see you again. My youngest son is working in Maybank KL. If you happen to drop in at the bank, please make it a point to look him up and say hello to him for me. He is an officer there and is due to retire in a couple of years upon reaching the age of 55, probably end of 2012.

I am so sorry to hear you are not in good shape physically. Don't give up hope, there's always a silver lining and light at the other end of the tunnel. God bless you as you have always devoutly gone to church. You will be richly rewarded in your afterlife. You can be sure of that!!

Although I find some difficulty in walking ( I cannot walk without a walking stick) I make it a point to go to KOMTAR to strengthen my leg muscles and knees. If I don't do so, I will soon be confined to the bed and that will be the end of me.

I spend much of my morning listening to classical music of the great composers like Beethovan, Chopin, Schbert, Mozart..etc..etc. My brother helped me to listen and appreciate classical music. Among our clerical staff at the police dept in Penang, he had the best educational qualifications. He even passed Latin in the senior Cambridge Exam in Dec 1931. He could have gone to college had my father had the means to let him further his education. My father was the chief clerk in Gopeng, Perak, in the Mines office. My brother was a genius in his own right although he was said to be 'eccentric'. Some officers in the Penang Police praised him for his good command of English. I miss him very much. He was not only a brother to me, he was my tutor in English too!

I am still corresponding with Mr. R.G. He was the OCPD G/Town in the 1960's. He was a very strict OCPD. All officers under him and the clerical staff (especially in the traffic branch) feared him. Can you still remember the names like Anthony XXX ( who I hear was in very bad shape, almost blind. Remember XXX? He passed away many years ago. He was a jovial type and a chinese scholar. Also remember XXX and brother XX? I wrote to him too. He is lame and have to go about in crutches. He likes to talk-non-stop.

Well, so long, Peter. I have always kept you in my mind. I never forget old friends. They are worth more than gold to me!

Yours very sincerely,
XXX
(age 95 +. my target is 100!)

2011-01-23T20:24:00.003+08:00

Ever since I brought my parents to stay in KL, I've been overwhelmed with praises. My parents' friends constantly tell me that I'm a filial daughter and that my parents are blessed to have a daughter like me. It feels good to be praised but at the same time I feel that I'm being 'over praised'. It looks as though I'm being noble but is that not something every child should be doing? To be caring for their parents when they are not capable of looking after themselves anymore? Times have changed and we now live in a society where many of the elderly are left all alone by themselves and perhaps that is why the peers of my parents are happy for them when they know that their own child will care for them. Perhaps that is why they are being so generous in praising me.

Sometimes people ask me questions like 'don't you have other siblings? Why are you taking up the responsibility?' They try to convince me that I am the better daughter among my sisters. On surface it does seem so but I'm very sure that my parents are aware that their other daughters care for them as well, it is just that situation does not permit them. For example, one of my sister is already caring for her father-in-law and she also has a child. It is not easy to cope with such responsibilities, how can one expect her to invite my parents to live with her? It would be ridiculous for me to let that happen. Despite her heavy responsibilities, this sister of mine still makes sure that my parents feel loved. She picks my mum up at least once a week and bring her back to have dinner with her family. Is that not love? All of us including myself have our limitations and we do what we can. The strength of another sister compliments my weakness and that is how we give love to our parents. Of course, those who are not close to the family will not see the contributions of my other sisters but that does not mean that they are not doing anything

I feel blessed to have the privilege of having my parents living with me even though I'm already 30. I feel blessed to be able to listen to mum talk about 'those days'. I feel doubly blessed that I married a man who is willing to accept my parents and live with them. I feel blessed that my husband calls my mother Mak and is willing to lend her his ears and listen to her talk, and talk even though the topic may not be interesting, I feel blessed that my husband is not being calculative in the efforts and care that he provides to my parents. Honestly, I will not be able to live the life I am living now if not for my husband. I am confident that I did not marry the wrong guy. He is not perfect but he makes me feel blessed.

2011-01-21T08:41:00.003+08:00

YEsterday was a public holiday. Leslie asked if there were any housework to be done. There were many things to be done but I told him that I would prefer to just forget about everything and just enjoy the day and that is how we ended up making PAO. I do not have a name for the pao but it was made of Pork, Shitake Mushroom and Yam.

We googled for the recipe, there were many versions so I studied and few and proceeded. The pao turned out to be ok, edible, better than those you buy in Malay shops (no offense to the Malays but I would never buy pao from Malay stalls because they are not nice at all). If I'm to make pao again in the future, I'd put Sengkuang instead of Yam.

2011-01-19T21:01:00.003+08:00

I conducted a lecture today. It was a three hour lecture. Although there's room for improvement, I'm glad with the outcome. I like my students. I was actually amazed by how they responded to the lesson. They were vocal and expressive so much so that it made teaching them so much more easier. I am encouraged by what happened in lecture today. I hope this situation will remain.

2011-01-19T08:46:00.003+08:00

I'm starting work today. I'll be teaching in a reputable private university for a semester as a part-time lecturer. I believe that I am very fortunate to get this job. I learned that my degree is not sufficient anymore if I decide to pursue in the education field. I have to do my masters and also obtain a teaching diploma from somewhere. I am sometimes frustrated because I never knew the difference between my degree and a TESL graduate's until I started teaching. I wish I knew so that I do not have to go through the hassle of obtaining a certificate to teach (Which costs RM 6000 for a few months of weekend classes) and even with that, I can't teach in government schools because it's not recognized. Government institutes only provide teaching diplomas for those who will teach in government schools and those who go through such programmes will be bonded for 5 years (including the years of study) Sometimes I feel that it is unfair, just so unfair. I actually have the desire to even teach in a public school despite knowing how terrible it may be if I'm unlucky enough to be posted to a notorious school but the system is not making things any easier. Firstly, I may be sent to study in a teacher's training college that is very far away from home and upon graduation, I will be posted to an interior part of Malaysia for three years. By then, I'd be already say thirty five? How can I provide care to my parents? How can I be a responsible wife? How can we start our family?

I was told by a lecturer at a teachers' training college that many of her students who are training to be English teachers are not competent at all. I get frustrated each time I hear statements like this. This system needs to be improved. I've been teaching at tertiary level because I'm not qualified to teach in schools. Isn't it a joke?

2011-01-14T10:44:00.002+08:00

My sister is coming home tomorrow, it is just for a day but I look forward to having her around. Although we sometimes quarrel, I love having my sisters around and I think I'm lucky that my sisters actually make a point to put family in their priority list.

2011-01-13T11:12:00.003+08:00

Early this year, I received a call from an ex-schoolmate informing me about the passing of another schoolmate. I was lost for words when I received the news. The deceased had posted in her facebook last year that she was glad to be finally loosing weight, little did she realize that she was actually sick. Her stomach rejected food and caused her to loose weight. When she passed on, she was only 30 + kg.

I do not know much about this schoolmate, I did not speak to her a lot but her death hit me. She was just another young lady who was living her life to the fullest. She traveled, cooked, tried and experienced all that life could offer and silently an illness came and took her life away, just like that.

Her passing reminded me of how fragile our life was. If it could happen to her, it could happen to me and also those whom I love. I feel sorry for her loved ones, for her husband especially. I have no idea on what lead to the illness and how she fought the illness but I hope she was at peace when she passed on. Rest In Peace Mi Ee.

2011-01-13T10:23:00.002+08:00

This will be my first blog entry for the year 2011. Today is the 3rd week of January and if I should ask myself if I'm happy this year, my answer would be yes. I do not think that I have experienced sadness yet this year. I guess the main contributing factor is that I do not have much to worry about for now. For starters, I am not working and do not have work stress and I have my husband by my side and that contributes a lot to the happiness that I am experiencing. I cannot imagine how life would be if we are separated again. It is such a joy to be able to see him everyday, to share and to listen about each other's everyday experience. My parents live with us and dad's condition is not improving at all but I do not feel the burden and I believe this is because I have my husband by my side and I have confidence in him that any form of challenges can be resolved because I am not alone and I have him.

I will begin my part-time job next week. I will begin to teach again after a 3month break. It's going to be a new environment and a new experience, I have mixed feelings about it. I fear that I'm not able to live up to the expectations yet at the same time I'm glad that I'm being given a chance to prove that I'm capable.

I look forward in 2011, I look forward to making Bukit Jelutong our home, I look forward to making significant events happen this year.

2010-12-14T10:06:00.003+08:00

23Dec 2010 is going to be a historical day. It is the day the movers will come to move my parents to KL. It is going to be a sad day for many of us, including our neighbors. My family has lived in our humble little bungalow that overlooks the main road for 32 years. Almost everyone in Bukit Glugor knows our house, many children have played in our garden, many adults have in one way or another walked into our compound, many people have passed our house and have waved at it's occupants each time they see us. Everyone in Bukit Glugor notices us, even Brandy our dog and everyone will notice the lifeless state of the house after the 23rd.

We are moving out because we, all the children are now married and have our own family commitments and we are not able to offer our parents sufficient care in that home due to different priorities and commitments. My parents will move to Shah Alam with us where we will live under the same roof and be present to attend to each other's needs. Changes have to be made as time goes by and we have been taught to move on. Yet, I cannot erase the fact that who I am today is a result of the past which forever remains in my memory.

I am sad that I don't have a home to go back to after the 23rd. Going to Penang is never going to be the same again. What is going to become of our Penang home? I really don't know. I still want to have a piece of that humble looking yet priceless house in my life, but then again, who is going to look after it? Every time I think of this, my heart aches, I feel helpless.

2010-09-22T13:42:00.003+08:00

I'm now clearing my leave. I am pretty free. I now have time to do things that I want yet sometimes, I drag my feet to do the things that I have procrastinated for so long. I guess I have not done those things not because I was too busy but more because I did not want to do it. I feel lazy.

I am starting to be aware that I am wasting my youth away again. I don't like the idea that I have nothing to do. I hope to be occupied again, doing something that I enjoy. I look forward to the day I move to Shah Alam and be united with Leslie. I dislike waiting.

2010-09-14T11:46:00.002+08:00

I don't know them but I'm sad that the murder took place. How could they be heartless and take away the lives of people? I watched the wife of one of the victims cry on TV, holding back her tears and breaking down as she cried 'What am I going to do? How am I going to raise our children without their father?' They slit his throat and also the three others' and burnt their bodies into ashes to destroy the evidence. The murderers were prominent lawyers who were respected by many for their community work. It is shocking that such a crime should take place in this country which we claim to be peaceful. The newspaper reported that the four whose ashes were found were not their first victims. Apparently, anyone who got into their way somehow just disappeared and never returned to their loved ones including an Indian national. I wonder how did they get away with the other murders? Did the police take the previous reports seriously prior to this case? It took a prominent public figure, a millionaire's disappearance to discover the evil acts of these murderers.
If this could happen to Kamarudin Shansudin, it could happen to anyone of us. His only fault was that he was at the wrong place, at the wrong time and that he worked for a millionaire who made a bad business deal. His wife will never know exactly what happened to him neither will she be able to see or even touch his face for one last time. All she can do is touch the dust of his remains.

2010-09-06T10:11:00.002+08:00

Here are some safety tips for one's awareness
( from my email)
In daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation...

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do :
The elbow is the strongest point on your body.
If you are close enough to use it, do!

2.. Learned this from a tourist guide.
If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse,
DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM.
Toss it away from you.... Chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse.
RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car,
kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy..
The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit
doing their chequebook, or making a list, etc.
(DON'T DO THIS!)
The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go.
AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR , LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE..

5. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head
DO NOT DRIVE OFF!
Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car.
Your Air Bag will save you.
If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it .
As soon as the car crashes bail out and run.
It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

6. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor , and in the back eat
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side... If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.
IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

7. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs.
Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot.
(This is especially true at NIGHT!)

8. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN!
The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern!

9. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic:
STOP
It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted
his next victim.

10. Water scam!
If you wake up in the middle of the night to hear all your taps outside running or what you think is a burst pipe, DO NOT GO OUT TO INVESTIGATE! These people turn on all your
outside taps full ball so that you will go out to investigate and then attack.

Stay alert, keep safe, and look out for your neighbours!

2010-09-04T11:38:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, again I caught a student cheating in the exam. Just for your information, I've never considered myself as a policewoman who goes around during examinations trying to catch and get hold of students who cheat. Whenever I invigilate, my priority is to make sure that students are not sitting for the wrong paper, they fill in the right details according to the instructions given and submit their answers before the exam is over and assist them should they need any help especially those first year students who are prone to experience exam jitters due to lack of experience. Some of you may think that it is unnecessary but trust me students always spring surprises. Some can sit in the exam hall and answer exam questions that are not meant for them and only realize it when the invigilators approach them. Some students fill in their friend's ID numbers and details instead of their own. Students are interestingly capable of making the most unimaginable mistakes so much so that as invigilators, we do our very best that such problems do not occur during examinations.

Yesterday, I saw a student referring to pocket size notes which she smuggled in for the examination. When I attempted to take the notes, she held my hand and begged me to give her a second chance. I could not look into her eyes as I reprimanded her. I felt bad. She gripped my hand tightly and told me to give her a chance. Her eyes turned red and I could see the tears coming as I pulled the notes out from her answer booklet. I was sorry that I had to do it. Before I pulled the notes out, I asked myself if I was doing the right thing. I felt so bad as I saw the tears coming. I was aware of the consequence that she may be expelled from the college if she is found to be guilty. I did not want to be the person who made it happen. I do not want her to remember for the rest of her life that I was the lecturer who caught her yet I had to do it. The students who sat near her knew what was happening, it was not just between the two of us anymore plus my own conscience will not free me. I called for another lecturer to help me pull the evidence out and she knew it was all over.

I felt bad over the whole incident. It was the same feeling I experienced when I caught a boy last year for cheating as well. I asked myself if I should have given her a second chance and after putting some thoughts I knew that I did nothing wrong. Firstly, I would never know if those tears that were shed by her were crocodile tears. I wouldn't know if she was sorry or not for what she had done. She could have been just trying her luck on my compassion plus if I did not take action she might just repeat this mistake again and think that she will always be able to get out of trouble again just by crying. She will never learn and may take rules for granted and might even commit offence that are worse in the future.

2010-09-02T14:59:00.002+08:00

I was invigilating a group of students the other day. Since I was free and had nothing much to do, I observed the students I invigilated. It was their first paper, it was an English paper. They were weak at it and had trouble answering easy questions. I don't blame their lecturer for their weakness in the language. What could she do in 14 weeks? I looked at them and wondered if they had good or lousy English teachers back in school. The way some students answered the questions was as if English was a foreign language to them.
I remember asking my students once if they had taken English tuition during their school days and most of them said no. When asked why, most of them answered that they did not see it as a need because it did not really matter if they passed their English for SPM. Maths and BM were the more important subjects and thus the reason why they neglected their English.
I am determined to help students improve their English. I know I am not the best person around but I can see myself making a difference there. Shall I take the challenge when I move to KL? Shall I start giving secondary school kids English tuition instead of working full-time in a particular company? I am honestly all geared up to give it a try. I just don't know how to start.

2010-09-01T12:22:00.003+08:00

I am offended, I was having my lunch and somebody named A approached me and thanked me for spreading rumours. It was an ugly suprise for I do not know that person well enough to be really bothered about her life at all. Before I left, she walked to my table again and thanked me again for spreading the rumours. It was obvious that she intended to send me a clear message.

I was shocked yet and annoyed at the same time. I looked at the person who was having lunch with me named B and I immediately knew how A thought that I was spreading the rumours because I remembered myself asking B a few months ago if A was dating a guy and I stopped there because B did not know the answer and it was not really important for me to know. Little did I know that B went to tell A that she heard from me that A was dating someone.

What annoys me further is to know that B whom I trust does not see that she instigated the misunderstanding that A has towards me because she did not phrase the words properly and made A believe that I had passed a rumour.I only asked a very simple question out of curiosity and now I'm being accused of spreading rumours of which I did not. B does not see it as a problem but to me it is a problem. To add on, it was 3 months ago when I asked that question and I have totally forgotten about this matter. If A had been upset, why did she not just approach me instead of remaining bitter for 3 months, thinking that I am spreading rumours about her?

I am unhappy, I just hope that there's no rumours saying that Jennifer says that so and so is dating........because I did not start it, I just asked if it was true and that has gotten me into trouble. Next time, I'll just mind my own business. Thank goodness I'm leaving!

2010-08-27T14:32:00.002+08:00

I fell down while walking down the steps today. Sabrina described it as a graceful fall. I'm glad I did not land with a painful bump. It's really surprising how I fell. I was carrying a few envelopes of exam answer booklets. It was heavy and it blocked my view. I stepped on my pants and I fell from the top to the bottom amazingly without really injuring myself. It was unbelievable. I just sat on the floor and smiled. Everyone was shocked. A male colleague immediately came and wanted to help me up but since I could help myself, he helped to pick up all the envelopes that I dropped. Deep inside, I felt grateful that most of my students had already left for it would be really embarrassing to have a few hundred students looking at me in such a humiliating condition.

I am actually amused by the whole incident. I guess it has been a very long time since I fell and my leg hurts because it is bruised. I stepped on it during my fall and another colleague stepped on it because she could not stop on time. I am grateful that I did not break my back or injure myself terribly. Thank God, I'm safe =)

2010-08-26T09:00:00.003+08:00

Recently, my immediate neighbor retired and she has been a more sociable person since her retirement. She drops by to visit my parents and chat with my mum. Yesterday, my mum informed me that she even fried 'Char Koay Teow' for them. It was a very simple plate of 'Koay Teow' without much ingredients but I think it was a very thoughtful act. My neighbor is not married and I sometimes wonder if she is lonely. Even if she is, I'm glad that she is bringing some joy to mum and am grateful for that.

Uncle Lim is another neighbor who lives in another street. When I was a child, I remembered my mum calling him a 'Kay Poh Chee' because he talked too much. Over these years, mum learnt to appreciate this 'Kay Poh Chee' because he was more reliable than her own daughters, myself included. He visited my parents three times a week and ran errants for them before I came home to live with them. Sometimes he even brought food and cakes from home for my parents. Even though I now live with my parents, Uncle Lim continues to drop by every now and then and has even made himself to be Brandy's favourite uncle because he never fails to bring her snacks whenever he drops by. Last night, I received a telephone call from a very much overjoyed Uncle Lim. He called to announce that Michael Lim, his first grandson has arrived into this world and that I should now call him 'datuk'. I could sense his happiness over the phone. I could imagine seeing him laugh in his dentures. Around this time last year, Uncle Lim was fighting for his life. He had a heart bypass and that period was a very challenging moment for the Lim family. As I spoke to him over the phone, I wondered why did he choose to call me of all people and inform us. It made me suddenly realize that he is just like a family and that we are important to him, so much so that he wants to share his joy immediately with us.

I am going to miss Bukit Glugor...........

2010-08-25T17:05:00.002+08:00

I'm trying to adapt to the idea that I'm an adult. Perhaps it is because I'm the youngest in the family and that is why I often find it odd to accept adult thoughts for example saving for the future and also to start building a family.

It may sound odd to some of you but I do have a desire to have a child. I can't really identify what influenced me to have that desire but I'm actually hoping that we will get pregnant soon. I was not depressed when I had my miscarriage but once a while when I think about it I actually feel sad. I feel sad that I lost it and I wonder if we will ever get a second chance again. I have begun to give up on things that I pretty much like i.e alcoholic drinks and also refrain myself from extreme movements like climbing, chopping things, carry heavyweights..........(you guys know lah what kind of unladylike things Jenn is capable of doing) for fear that I would repeat the same mistake again. Am I being a paranoid? I don't know.

I continue to live life everyday like how I usually do but I do hope that you will keep us in your prayer and that we be ready to accept what God has in store for us and do the right things.

2010-08-24T11:54:00.003+08:00

I've always loved to play with water but I had three fears. My first fear is that there will be something underwater that would injure me i.e jellyfish or snakes while my second fear is that I would sink and my third fear is to expose my body (to me it is almost naked) when I wear the swimsuit. As a result of these fears, I have denied myself many times from the joy of having fun freely in water.

Early this year, I accidentally tried out a swimsuit which was less revealing. I could accept seeing myself in the mirror wearing that swimsuit and that gave me the courage to give swimming a chance. So, I dared myself and managed to convince my program supervisor to give me a swimming lesson in the college pool. My first attempt was not very encouraging. Firstly, the pool was pretty deep and most of the time I held tightly to the edge of the pool for fear that I would sink. It wasn't so fun and I almost gave up. A fellow colleague found out about my new interest and invited me to try out the pool at her apartment the following week. The reason was that the pool was less deep and more suitable for beginners like me. It was a better experience but I felt like a buffalo which fell into a pool. I was clumsy and often I struggled in the water. Yet I was encouraged.

I continued to try out different pools and struggled in them. I dared myself to swim despite breathing and sucking in water from the pool and choking many times. I was often frustrated with myself and felt as if i had a disability whenever I watched kids play happily in the pool. Sometimes, I was embarassed by my own disability but most of the time, I was determined to be part of the crowd so I continued to try. I guess I should also be grateful that Leslie was also determined to see me master the skill. He created opportunities for us to spend more time in the pool and was patient enough to accompany me as I struggled with the water.

One day, with Leslie's help, I swam 50 metres in an Olympic size pool. It boosted my confidence immediately and from that moment onwards, I dared to go to public pools on my own to learn and try out learning Breastroke by observing other swimmers.

It has been six months since I stepped into the college pool and I'm glad I gave myself a chance. I still continue to swim at the edge of the pool but I now dare to swim at the deeper end more confidently. Yesterday I tried to swim Freestyle. It is pretty challenging but I'm happy to learn it. I love my new found interest and hopefully, I'm able to burn some fat as I enjoy myself in the pool.

My sincere thanks to Maam, CPJ and Leslie for being supportive and also creating opportunities for me to learn swimming. I would not have gone this far if not for these three people. You have helped Jenn to be a more confident person. Cheers

2010-08-24T08:45:00.002+08:00

Here's something I got from my sister. I would say it is pretty much true.

The Winner is always part of the answer;The Loser is always part of the problem.

The Winner always has a program;The Loser always has an excuse.

The Winner says, "Let me do it for you";The Loser says, "That is not my job."

The Winner sees an answer for every problem;The Loser sees a problem for every answer.

The Winner says, "It may be difficult but it is possible";The Loser says, "It may be possible but it is too difficult."

When a Winner makes a mistake, he says, "I was wrong";When a Loser makes a mistake, he says, "It wasn't my fault."

A Winner makes commitments;A Loser makes promises.

Winners have dreams;Losers have schemes.

Winners say, "I must do something";Losers say, "Something must be done."

Winners are a part of the team;Losers are apart from the team.

Winners see the gain;Losers see the pain.

Winners see possibilities;Losers see problems.

Winners believe in win-win;Losers believe for them to win someone has to lose.

Winners see the potential;Losers see the past.

Winners are like a thermostat;Losers are like thermometers.

Winners choose what they say;Losers say what they choose.

Winners use hard arguments but soft words;Losers use soft arguments but hard words.

Winners stand firm on values but compromise on petty things;Losers stand firm on petty things but compromise on values.

Winners follow the philosophy of empathy: "Don't do to others what you would not want them to do to you";Losers follow the philosophy, "Do it to others before they do it to you."

Winners make it happen;Losers let it happen.

Winners plan and prepare to win.The key word is preparation.

2010-08-22T08:50:00.005+08:00

I sent in my resignation letter yesterday. I've resigned as a lecturer. The end to my teaching career of two and a half years. I never expected myself to come this far. I never expected myself to be an educator and I did become one. It's interesting how we live our lives doing the things that we never expected ourselves to do. Do I regret teaching? Surprisingly, I enjoyed my two and a half years. Of course I did wish that I had equipped myself better in terms of knowledge but it was really a joy to teach. Of course there we minor hiccups with naughty and lazy students but it was not too bad to the extend that I should hate my job. When I think of students, I remember their innocence, their determination, their curiosity. I do love them.

I must say that being an educator has boosted my self-esteem. I have become more confident with myself and yes, I now respect myself for the knowledge that I own. I used to think that I was never good enough. I still have those thoughts but it is not as bad as how it used to be. To pursue my masters and to continue being a lecturer is a possibility but then again, do I really want that for myself? What about the inner desire and passion towards food? Should I pursue on improving my culinary skills? What's stopping me? Is it my fear of failure?

What's next? I really don't know.........it's time to invite the divine intervention to lead me.

2010-07-09T15:32:00.002+08:00

I'm kinda upset at the moment. My dad's condition is not getting better and what makes it worse is the bedsore is getting bigger. I've read very nasty explanations about bedsores and I have consulted many doctors who do not offer much solution to healing it. The pictures shown on the Internet are gross and I'm worried that dad's bedsore is going to be that bad. I can't imagine it happening at home. My mom told me before that sometimes, maggots will be found in the bedsores when it gets serious because that was what happened to the many bedridden people that we knew.

It's sad to see my dad in such condition. I don't know if he can actually feel pain. There's no expression in his face, it is like he is sleeping all the time. When I sit down and look at him, I wonder what's in his mind. How does he feel?

I'm also worried if Sokha is able to cope with caring for my dad. I myself am not prepared to deal with what lies ahead. I hate to imagine what lies ahead for the future.

2010-06-08T15:09:00.002+08:00

When the semester began three weeks I ago, I felt a little odd because many students bowed when I walked past them. Since I joined the college, I rarely had students whom I did not teach greeting me, what more to bow. However, this semester, it seems to be a norm to have students bowing. It was an indication that this batch of new students had better manners compared to those in the past.
Today, I reprimanded a student for receiving a call in class while I was teaching. I had expected her to be bitter about it and maybe rebel but much to my surprise, she actually came and apologized as I walked back to my room. I don't know if she did it upon her own free will or did her friends influence her to do so as I overheard her friends telling her to apologize to me during class. I was of course taken aback by her apology, yet at the same time I was happy and I respect her for her courage to come forward.
I notice myself being less frustrated with the students this semester. I do not have much problems with them. Even if they are disobedient, they do change after being being told off. I see them improve. To me, it is a good sign and I am happy that this is happening.

2010-06-07T10:49:00.002+08:00

The past few weeks have been very confusing ones. I did not know that I was pregnant until I started to experience irregularity in my menses. I went to see the doctor and was told that I was 4-5 weeks pregnant based on the blood test. The problem was that the doctor could not detect the baby from the ultrasound. He told me that there were two possibilities. The first possibility was that I experienced early abortion (miscarriage) and the second possibility was that I was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy. Neither of it was good news but of course to have a miscarriage would be better than to have an ectopic pregnancy because an ectopic pregnancy would mean that I will need to remove a fallopian tiub. Since he could not identify the problem, he told me to return 2 days later for another blood test to see if my HCG readings would drop and if it did, then it would be very possible that I experienced miscarriage instead of an ectopic pregnancy.

After waiting anxiously for two days, I got a call from the clinic saying that my HCG readings had dropped and that I most probably experienced a miscarriage and that I should observe my own condition for another one week before doing a urine test to make sure that I am no more pregnant. I was relieved by the news yet at the same time the thought that we could have been parents saddened me. Was it a boy or a girl that we lost?

I sat down and thought over the things I did on the day I lost the child and I realized that I did everything wrong that day. I rode the bicycle for 2 hours, I had mangoes, I did heavy gardening for 2 hours, I drank green tea and ate raw food.....I just did everything that an expecting mother was not supposed to do.

Perhaps God has His reasons for this to happen. Perhaps it is a sign, telling me to get ready, to make sure that I get myself healthy and prepare for a healthy pregnancy.

2010-05-21T08:25:00.002+08:00

Ever since I joined the college, I've been given two subjects to teach every semester. This semester is however different as I only have one subject to teach and the positive side of it is that I save on preparation time and I can fully focus on one subject instead of two. The only setback is that I have to repeat myself eight times, twice every week as I teach this same subject to eight different classes. Sometimes, I feel like a parrot. Sadly to say, sometimes I become less enthusiasted as well because I can more a less predict how the next one and a half hour in class is going to be.

Schools and colleges these days are becoming like a production factory. The focus is to make students pass a certain paper and move on. Educators these days can't afford to commit too much to their students because there are just too many of them. There is hardly any opportunity to sustain a good relationship with the students. Every semester (14 weeks), I have an average of 200 students under my care and I meet them for only 3 hours per week. There are 3 semesters in a year so on an average, I teach around 500 - 600 students a year.

I used to be inspired by my educators in the past but I wonder if I do inspire my own students at all. There's just too little time with so much to accomplish. What is life?

2010-05-18T08:34:00.003+08:00

A new semester has begun and as usual, I experienced some first day jitters again thanks to my low self-esteem. I have eight classes under my care and in total I have around twenty scholarship holders from these classes. Let's pray that this semester be good and that my students gain from their lessons with me.

2010-05-17T10:46:00.002+08:00

After all that has been promised to Sarawak, the government surprisingly still lost the Sibu by-elections. I wonder why did the people vote against Barisan. Was the carrot dangled not big enough or the Sibu citizens are generally not a greedy bunch of people?
Nevertheless, i am happy with the outcome. The message sent by the people of Sibu is very clear. It is not the money that they want but something else. I personally felt that the government was making too many promises. Why is it that only the people of Sibu were offered all those lucrative benefits? How about the Sabahans and the people in Peninsular?

2010-04-29T09:01:00.002+08:00

What we read in the papers these days are so disturbing. Why do humans have to be so inhuman. We seem to be the most privileged of all the living creatures yet some humans are worst than animals. Why? Why do we have to be unkind? Why do we have to destroy the lives of others?

I used to think that all those terrible acts that we see on the screen are merely dramas but as I grow older and listen to people share, I realized that the lives of people I know are not much of a difference from the dramatic stories that I see on tv.

I know gossips are bad but of late, the gossips that I hear awaken me. These gossips actually tell me that I should appreciate and be thankful for the lovely people that come into my life, because there are many people out there who are living with people who are worst than monsters. I am thankful for my family, thankful for my husband, thankful for my colleagues, thankful for having good friends.

2010-04-23T07:52:00.002+08:00

I am furious. First, the girl is an orphan. It is already sad that she does not have a family. To make it worst, her classmates raped her. Reading yesterday's news gave me the notion that she was raped by a classmate so I thought that boy was just sick and desperate (I'm not indicating that it was ok for him to rape her), however after I read today's news, my blood boiled. It was not one boy who raped her but many boys. They took turns to rape her. She is their classmate. Someone whom they sit with in class everyday and yet they did such a thing to her. How could they?
To add on, the incident took place in their classroom during recess. Where were the rest? What were others doing? Did anyone not sense anything even after it happened? This girl really needs help. If I were in her shoes, I might not be able to trust others again.
Oh, I forgot to mention, they even stuck a pencil inside her. I think these boys need to be canned. Since they are old enough to rape, I believe that they are old enough to be punished as well.

2010-04-22T11:06:00.002+08:00

It is nice to have Brandy around. Of late, she has been trying to get my attention and sometimes I wish I could read her mind. A few days ago, as I was watching the television, Brandy sat at the middle of the living room and barked at me as if to ask me to give her some attention. I ignored her and she continued to bark until I put my hand out to ask her to come. She sat next to me and enjoyed a good pat. After a few minutes, I diverted my attention to the screen again. Brandy was not satisfied, she went to her original spot and barked at me again. I was irritate yet amused. I thought she was cute.

Brandy has been seeking my attention often these days. Sometimes, she will come and sit next to me or on my feet while I'm doing my household chores. It feels nice to be wanted even though Brandy is just a dog. I had many dogs before Brandy but none behaved like Brandy so I really wonder if it is natural for dogs to behave this way. Nevertheless, I love my dog. She is a good companion.

2010-04-20T17:20:00.004+08:00

I wonder how life is going to be when we begin to live together. I believe I will continue to wonder until the day comes.

Both of us are currently living apart due to our current situation. I do not like the current arrangement but our current condition does not really allow us to stay together. We need to be realistic and therefore we are not rushing into the idea of staying together though we do not wish to prolong our current condition. Everyday, I pray that this separation will not last.

The common question that people ask us these days is 'How is married life'? Often I wonder what they are referring to. Nevertheless I would say that married life has actually brought us much closer to each other. It was after marriage that I truly understood chastity and its importance. I am glad that I never tried to be intimate prior to our marriage. I was of course frustrated with the idea that he never held my hand while we were dating. I was frustrated because I thought that I was so unattractive so much so that he had no desire for me. Thankfully, things are different now and I actually enjoy the change.

Married life is beautiful, he accepts me as imperfect as I am and I do not need to pretend and wear a mask in his presence. I dare to discuss my insecurities with him and this is one of my new experience as a married person.

2010-03-15T11:12:00.003+08:00

I had a lovely time at NAAB restaurant at Bukit Bintang with four of Leslie's Iranian friends. They had requested that we as the newly wedded husband and wife have dinner with them. According to them, it was a culture for family members to treat the newly wedded to a dinner and they decided to do the same to us. I thought it was a very thoughtful act. Besides a photo frame, they also gave us (me especially) a box of nuts. They stressed to Leslie that it was for his wife and not so much for him. I was impressed as Leslie only mentioned to them once two years ago that I loved nuts and they remembered till today.

I've never sat at the same table with Iranians before and it was really pleasant. I learnt about the Iranian culture as well as a little bit of the world history and of course the Iranian dishes were delicious. They were cooked using my favourite ingredients namely, lamb, herbs and spices, olive, olive oil, yogurt and nuts. It was a lovely evening indeed and I was a contented lady.

2010-03-15T10:53:00.002+08:00

I got a message from a friend yesterday stating that her mom who was suffering from stomach cancer was very much in pain. I did not manage to reply her message. This morning, I got another message from her stating that her mum has passed on.

Being aware of her mother's condition, I had anticipated for this day to come. I'm sure my friend did too as she did share with me about her mother requesting to have her ashes placed in a certain place prior to her passing. Yet despite knowing all these, I am not sure of how I should console her. .......

2010-03-11T09:57:00.002+08:00

I am anxious. I've been looking forward for this day to come. Tomorrow, I'm going to KL again, to meet my husband. I'm happy to be meeting him again after two weeks. It's interesting that I tend to miss him more after we got married though our daily routine is still very much the same as how it used to be.
Prior to the wedding, after we got registered through the civil registration, I found it very odd to tell people that Leslie is my husband but somehow right after the wedding mass, I had no problem addressing him as my husband. I wonder what made that change within me.
I'm going to KL, catching the earliest bus I can get after work. I look forward for tomorrow to come.

2010-03-08T09:54:00.002+08:00

Last weekend, a friend broke the news to me that she broke up with her boyfriend of more than 4 years. I was taken aback. I do not really know how she feels about it as we communicated through sms but I am sure it's a heartbreaking situation for her. I did not try to probe further because we were only communicating through sms. I have always preferred to talk over such sensitive matters face to face as I think facial expressions are very important in such conversations. She volunteered further details by telling me that he had another girlfriend.

It felt terrible to know that this friend of mine is experiencing a breakup in a relationship. She is such a nice person, helpful, caring, capable and not materialistic. What quality did the other girl have that my friend did not have to the extend that he was willing to give up his long term relationship with my friend for another girl? I just could not understand.

When I shared the news with Leslie, ' aren't we both lucky people?' was his reply. I agree with him. I am lucky that despite the many weakness that I have and the imperfections of the family that I belong to, he still chose me as his wife.

2010-02-23T16:20:00.004+08:00

What is fascinating about weddings is that it only happens once in your life and there is no practice or second chance in making it great. Despite all the preparation that is done, the outcome sometimes can be most unexpected.

I have to admit that I screwed up a little here and there prior and during the wedding and thus the wedding became less perfect and there are some things that I wished I had done during the wedding in order to make it perfect. Yet, despite the little faults that happened during the wedding, I have to admit and say that I was a happy bride and I could not ask others for more in order to make our wedding day special.

I am truly touched by the efforts made by many people. I thank my sisters for giving all they can give, I thank my friends for travelling the distance and providing all sorts of assistance, I thank all friends and also friends of my family, not forgetting relatives for contributing their time, generous 'Ang Pows' and for coming. I understood well that I was loved by many on my wedding day and I really do not know how to show my sincere appreciation to each and everyone of them. My maid of honor was the best MC I could ever ask for at my wedding dinner and so were the friends who sang at the dinner. Indeed we are a blessed couple and I pray that we can be life giving to others like how many of you were to us at our wedding.

Love
Leslie and Jenn

2010-02-23T15:45:00.002+08:00

It's been 24 days since I became Mrs. Than and it feels good to be married. Things between the two of us have been smooth so far and to be honest, I did not expect it to be this great. Somehow, life after marriage seems to be even better than how it used to be before the wedding. What lies ahead is surely going to be interesting and I pray that we will always find joy in this marriage.

2010-01-23T08:18:00.002+08:00

Am I trying to make a comeback? I'm not too sure. I find the comment by anonymous interesting. I wonder what he / she meant about the newer post being better because I hardly spent time on the things I wrote lately due to many reasons.

It's 6 days before my wedding and I'm not in my highest spirit. Too many things are happening. The wedding is not perfect and I do not expect it to be. I just hope things will run smoothly as planned and nobody does anything silly to ruin the celebration. Honestly, my major concern now is not on the wedding but more on what is happening at home. Dad's condition worsened lately and he is now bed bound. He cannot chew his food anymore and yesterday, my sister who is a nurse inserted the tube through his nose so that we could feed him using the tube.

A few month's ago, a nurse gave me a nose swap to check for H1N1 and it was a very painful experience for me. It was so painful that I got angry at the nurse for inflicting so much pain. Dad's tube insertion yesterday was worse than what I experienced. His tube was 10 times longer than the long cotton bud that the nurse put into my nose and my sister had to make sure that it reached dad's stomach and not the lungs so she actually had to take it in and out of him a few times. The tube remains in dad and I can imagine the discomfort that he is experiencing.

Dad now lies in the living room as it is more conducive for his condition while mum is not caring for her own well-being. I cannot understand her actions of late and this whole situation is giving me and my sisters stress.

It is 6 days to our wedding. The common question that people greet me with is 'Your wedding is drawing near, how do you feel'? Honestly, I am anxious yet am not at peace. Pray for us.